FLABBY & ASSOC. BIOS PAGE –
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Below find intimate details on Flabby Hoffman and his intrepid co-conspirators as written by Kurt Vonnegut’s second cousin Poindexter Sploogenheimer. Names of the innocent have been used explicitly in an effort to protect the guilty. Those who are pregnant, have a weak stomach, or have irritable bowel syndrome should seek a doctor’s advice (and large quantities of prescription level narcotics) before reading this section. These descriptions are honest interpretations of people who are so foul and contemptible that they naturally involve graphic language that might be offensive to younger and more sensitive viewers (as well as anyone with even an ounce of self respect).
In addition to his being the front man for one of the most intense rock bands in the history of pop music (now with 3 albums including the triple album masterpiece “Coup De Ta-Ta’s,” writing a 750,000 word long book entitled “The Avant Guardian” which is a darkly satirical take on the compromising of the human spirit by the aristocracy in an effort to turn the world into The Fourth Reich, he has booked more than 500 shows on the Chicago rock circuit, produces a weekly hour long TV variety showcase on local cable TV, fronts an online radio station and is attempting to put together a farm system to encourage the growth and development of the creative process without having to compromise the art or sell out in the process and currently putting together a full length feature mockumentary to document his and his cohorts’ efforts to reinvent the demented culture of our perverted society. Should he ever wind up selling or distributing his own creative output to any significant degree, you can bet the mainstream media would approach his bio in disparaging terms such as: He’s the guy that puts the “low” in “lowest common denominator.” The first person ever to be voted more despicable than an insurance salesman. Over his lifetime, no less than four of his best friends and three of his former AA sponsors have tried to give him a viking funeral while he was taking a nap. And unlike the famous song where the singer is too sexy for his shirt, the only thing that Flabby is too sexy for is his adult protective undergarment. The last time he tried to punch his girlfriend’s fudge, it punched back. The only dating he’s been doing lately is carbon dating. Creator of the tradition of Obvious Day and part time leader of The Sea Monkey Conservation Society. Currently he is leading the charge to make baby seals illegal so that no one even has an opportunity to club them to death. Sure he’s the fattest surviving founding member of Menudo, sure he’s one of the few remaining closeted heterosexuals, sure he’s the reigning poster boy for skid marked crotchless edible lederhosen, but at least he’s….uh, well as soon as we come up with a redeeming quality, we’ll update the bio. Next year they’re opening a 9 hole executive golf course on a portion of his torso as well as a farm raised salmon hatchery.
At night this firebrand roams the street as a socialist anarchist Bolshevik agitator and Agent Provocateur, but by day he is a mild mannered reporter for a local porn magazine’s real life steamy letters column. He also has the ability to powerfully vomit on command due to a super refined, hyper sensitive gag reflex. His projectiles can be forced and focused enough to hit a rapidly moving target at fifty paces. This particular talent has made him one of the world’s best hockey players as he can use his puke to shoot and deflect pucks with laser sharp pin point accuracy. It is inadvisable to make furtive movements in his presence or you might get mega-puked. You would also do well to stay on his good side or he might deem you duplicitous and organize a reactionary political uprising against your status quo and lead a series of protest marches against all of your interests and then tie you down and puke on you till you go into a diabetic coma.
He was chosen early in life by one of the Valkyries to be one of the great warriors to live in Valhalla with Odin as is customary for the most courageous in the Norse mythological tradition. His benefactor early in life was Jormungandr the Sea Serpent, and he learned well his lessons and the discipline of pillaging small waterfront villages and violating the townsfolk. It has been foreseen that Quarter Paisan will be one of the survivors of Ragnarok and be amongst those who repopulate the Earth. In fact one of the Bryggen Inscriptions reads: “May Thor receive you, may Odin own you and may Quarter Paisan mercilessly ravage your girlfriends.” Of course nowadays, the modern Viking warrior doesn’t have a lot of options when it comes to the nomadic seafaring life, and random acts of ransacking (as opposed to man-sacking) are by and large frowned upon by the community at large. No the modern way to loot and maraud a village is to become an investment banker and bone the average Joe until they don’t know what hit them with the aid of a veil of fraud and corruption supported by the government and justified in the minds of the “sheep” by using faux social outrage inflamed by a bunch of exploitative neo-con quasi Nazis looking to edge the country more towards the right by any means necessary and protect what few shards remain of the long since impotent “elite” white majority. All of them are being used by an entity to destroy our lives and our souls in the name of creating more power for those very few at the very top. Ruthless bastards, ultimately corrupted by ultimate power. Killers of light and love while embracing lifelessness and fear. Quarter Paisan has the power to change all that. With his magic bass guitar he can wield lightning, thunder and give free refills on soft drinks all in the name of righteousness.
A former research scientist and Heisman Trophy winner, Orange has always been on the short list for great achievements in any of the endeavors he’s ever tried. In 1980, he was the first human being to beat a horse in a steel cage wrestling death match. In 1492 he sailed the ocean blue. In 1990, he was the first astronaut to moonwalk actually on the moon and in 1972, he was the first person to count the number of licks that it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. His stellar career and overachieving ways were to come to a grinding halt however when a laboratory experiment designed to find a cure for the spooky anxiety condition commonly referred to as “the willies” went horribly wrong and wound up creating and unleashing a more advanced and grotty looking sequel to herpes simplex entitled “herpes duplex.” The scientific community as well as the porno industry wound up shunning Julius and shaving off his iconic man pelt. Also, as it turns out, during the fateful experiment he was stung by a radioactive sting ray and gained the mysterious animal’s ability to bottom feed on the ocean floor and wield his spiny barb at predators. It was around this time that he took up playing drums and soon thereafter became an integral part of the most famous Flabby Hoffman tribute band called “Blood Fart.” This would of course bring him to the attention of Flabby himself and later he was invited to join the trio and play local bar gigs and such.
Listening down to Uncle Wakeman is like getting an embarrassment of wealth like in The 12 Days Of XXX-Mas including: 12 rim jobs, 11 Cleveland Steamers, 10 Dirty Sanchez, 9 Hot Karls, 8 Sticky Whores, 7 Sloppy Seconds, 6 Golden Showers, 5 Dingos sideways in some chick’s ass, 4 Nipple Rings, 3 Half and Halfs, 2 Circle Jerks and a Hot Water Hummer In Bed. Gosh its rather like binging on a combination of crack, acid and ecstasy on your way to a PTA meeting. Imagine yourself as God sitting in the nothingness before creation thinking about what to do to make things more interesting and you suddenly came up with the idea of creating everything. But at the same time you’re omniscient and so you know everything that is ever going to be, so all of the sudden you think, wow, I could really go for a refreshing italian ice. But the only flavor they’ve got in stock over at the italian ice store is chunky bong water. And so you get pissed off and decide to make everything on Earth harsh and uninviting, but then you think, probably not a good way to win friends and influence enemies so you figure that if you create Uncle Wakeman to jam on the keyboard and add a multi-timbre palette to the Flabby Hoffman Trio that it would be a fairly decent trade off for starving thousands of children every day (many of whom die in their mother’s arms), creating AIDS, giving all the economic power on Earth to misanthropic psychos and all the other horrors that come par for the course around these parts.
Nicknames: Eddie The K, The Desert Fox, Sperminator X. Hobbies: Collecting Mork and Mindy memorabilia, shooting womp rats on Tatooine in his T-16, getting down just for the funk of it. Turn ons: people who use hackneyed quips, toe tapping broadway musical showstoppers, easter bunnies. Turn offs: people who insist on labeling everything, chunky style things (i.e. peanut butter, soup), tongue kissing. Eddie The Chest is a prolific talent who was able to raise himself up from humble beginnings to become one of the Flabby Hoffman Trio’s most respected bassists. So modest were The Chest’s roots that he was known to have worked his way through kindergarten. According to source documents obtained under FOIA, Eddie sold his body to science three times before his 10th birthday to raise enough bucks to buy the family some burnt toast. Occasionally, there was enough money to afford to pay someone who had recently eaten polish sausages to belch in his family’s faces just to sniff the meat residue inside the belch breeze. Later once he turned 7, he was able to land a job at a local strip club bikini waxing the local talent and scrubbing their undercarriages for 10 bucks a throw. Eventually all the hard work paid off as The Chest was able to become the youngest pimp in history, macking out his women while still in grade school. Legend has it that he was subject to an epiphany and awoke one night to a shimmering light. He had a vision, to pick up the bass guitar and use it to transmogrify pea brained robotic morons to a more engaging life. He gave up the bitches, bought a rig and joined up with the Flabby Hoffman Trio…blazing his righteous licks to illuminate the mouth breathers.
Years ago, Sid was a truck driver from Alabama by the name of Grizelda Meat-Tweezers. About 12 years ago he got in a huge accident as he ratcheted his rig out of the way of a family of wayward Ethiopian Jews crossing I-65 outside of Nashville on their way to temple. The crash was horrific and Grizelda suffered massive head trauma. And while the body of Grizelda Meat-Tweezers survived, the impact and gravity of the incident had caused a transformational personality to emerge in his mind which influenced him to convert to Judiasm. Henceforth, the heroic trucker would be known as Sid Yiddish, crusading and fearless Hebraic artist and sentient seer of truth and nuance. Today, as the resident poet laureate of the Flabby Hoffman Trio, he is known for pearl necklaces of wisdom that he puts forth during such fan favorite segments as the pop culture haikus and throat singing such favorites as Silent Night and Many Rivers To Cross. Also his meditative energy is a profound channeling resource for the Trio’s performance as well.
Flabby discovered the legendary Pat Black at a pharmacy soda fountain on the corner of Hollywood and Vine at the same snack counter that Earnest Hemmingway used to get his chocolate phosphates and where Hollywood golden age mogul Louie B. Maypole discovered Angie Dickenson back in 1949. The two hit it off immediately, what they hit off and what they hit it off of however is something of an urban legend. Regardless, the two hit it off immediately and the duo started booking acoustic gigs immediately under the name “Flabby And The Temple of Poon.” But shortly afterwards, Flabby would succumb to a series of diseases such as sudden infant death syndrome, ebola, phlebitis, mange, dropsy and the blue flu. They were soon to reform and throw down once again this time booked as “Flabby and the New Duncan Imperials.” They won three Granny Awards (awards given out by the Association of Grandmas and Spinsters) for their debut cassette release entitled “Flabby Soup.” Their second cassette release was more of a letdown however. Entitled simply “Harsh” it is a rock opera that takes place over a series of two and a half songs that last on average more than 45 minutes each. The entire lyric sheet of the album reads: “Where the f*ck are my keys?” While considered the biggest critical failure in the history of recorded music, it did sell like a hotcake (not a typo…it actually sold like one hotcake). Their third effort entitled “Self Destructive Unlistenable Pile Of Crap” was so bad that they were convicted for assault with a deadly weapon within ten minutes of its release. Of course after they finished their stint in the joint, Flabby formed the current Trio and the rest is history.
Rumors circulate faster about legendary eccentric and occasional Z-tar player of the Flabby Hoffman Trio than herpes flare ups on a member of the Kardashian family. Questions like: what plastic doll is he currently ravaging, what planet is he from, does he drink his boilermakers with the shot glass dunked inside the beer, in a perfect vacuum which drops faster: a chunk of Flabby’s spare tire fat or a feather, is room temperature fusion feasible, how many condoms does he wear while whacking off, and why does he insist on riding a team of white stallions to make his entrance onto the stage at every show. How big of an influence is Harpo on leftist subculture and haute couture? It’s hard to say. Perhaps the answer is in the mere fact that there is no one way ticket to answerville when it comes to the incendiary Z-tarist. But has anyone noticed how close the word “Z-tarist” resembles the word “Czarist?” Could it be that this master of the revolutionary social upheaval is a fifth column operative seeking to reestablish the monarchy in mother Russia? We hold these lies to be self evident…after all the United States never really officially considered all people created equal.
Spent a lot of time hanging out with super heroes and had been scheduled to officially be enlisted as one of the Super Friends prior to the sudden and surprising cancellation of the series back in ’78. Master Groovulus started out an evil and heartless lawyer, sold out and suckling on the horrifying plague riddled corporate teat like a brood of newborn rabid sewer rats on their multi-nipped rat mommy. But the Master was to have an epiphany. He had been serving with a battalion of lawyers on the famous Supreme Court case The Wealthy Vs. Everybody and was instrumental in getting the court to default to a 5-4 decision (and by decision I mean following the orders of their aristocratic benefactors) to defend the right of corporations to kill anyone they want to, install any people they want to at any time to high government office and basically ruin the lives of common people until they suck everybody’s soul dry as a Canadian desert (what’s that? No Canadian deserts you say? Stay tuned and thanks global warming). Within weeks, decreased oversight allowed for a school bus company to pull the brakes out of all their vehicles without any liability and caused thousands upon thousands of innocent children, many of whom happened to be retards, to plunge off cliffs to their deaths. Many of the busses fell into rivers or treacherous ravines where the deaths of the kids would have dragged out for a measurable amount of time as they slowly drowned or were buried alive in avalanches. After these tragedies, Master Groovulus could take no more and turned from the dark side, bought a ticket on a privately run outer space junket where he was belted by cosmic particles and became the super charged groove explosion that we know him to be now, using his superior drumming prowess with the Flabby Trio to reinforce what’s good in the world.
The resident theremin player for the FH Trio, he is renown the world over as the instrument’s chief exponent. Some say that he found his legendary ax at the entrance of an indian burial ground, others think he found it whilst excavating ancient ruins near Khirbet Qumran lying with the Dead Sea Scrolls. Whatever the origins of this mythic blaster, the vibe of the thing cannot be contained or quashed. It is unquashable. The overall un-quashability of the thing is off the frickin charts. We’re talking quash-tastic here. What so you don’t believe me? How’d you like to believe my foot up your ass? In fact, why don’t you take your unbelieving cynical butt over to someone that gives a crap. Both you and the horse you rode in on can bite my entire beef circus.
The only survivor of the Morlocks/C.H.U.D.s War from 10,000 years in the future, Eddie Sunshine brings a mix of bravado and simpatico to the Flabby Trio. He spent his childhood years on the talk show circuit promoting a theory which he called “Turdelini” which postulated the path to true happiness and enlightenment was to inject massive amounts of industrial paint solvent directly into one’s genitals. He is also the only person known to have been kidnapped as a baby by wild dingoes and actually survive. He came under the tutelage of legendary guru The Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh which led him to become devoutly dedicated to indulgent nitrous oxide binges and to have a penchant for the bitches. Currently he is working on a theory that states that Papa Smurf is the actual and true messiah of the jewish people combined with the design for a hydrogen powered Vespa. He is also one of the most profound exponents of the electric guitar with licks and lines more fluid and expressive than August Strindberg writing a copy of Master Olof in a snow drift with his own urine. He blames the gradual destruction of western culture on the growth and consolidation of corporations who have sucked all the life force, creativity and humanity out of everyone claiming the only thing that thrives in such conditions is hatred and greed. Can one man so dedicated bring about a righteous revolution without being deliberately being compromised or turned into a victim? The world may never know.
He got his start playing bass guitar when he was mistakenly kidnapped by gypsies as a 1st trimester fetus. While finishing the rest of his gestation in a terrarium, the gypsies would frequently entertain the little sprout with the calming and dulcet tones of solo bass guitar. The complicated and syncopated rhythms and unique eastern European melodies of the nomadic wanderers laid a foundation in his musical stylings as well as his bohemian attitude. His bohemian rhapsody attitude however was influenced from when he was later kidnapped as a 2nd trimester fetus by a tribe of professional Freddie Mercury celebrity impersonators. By the time he was an 8 month old fetus not only was he was already sitting in on bass with a Charles Mingus tribute jazz trio, but he also earned the Guinness Book World Record for the only person to get a hand job from a groupie backstage at a nightclub while technically in an embryonic stage. He also commands an army of albino lizards from the planet Zortex and they will eat you for lunch if you don’t watch yourself.
Outside of possibly Keith Richards, there has never, ever been a person in this plane of the Universe more ideally suited to be the living embodiment of a rock and roll guitarist. He rules…everyone else drools. All the rest of the guitar players you will ever see are going to pale in comparison. The blast off is inevitable as his chops, timing and incredibly voracious command of the language of rock has more power than the comet that smashed into Earth and killed off all the dinosaurs. He brings an omnipotent jamming attitude and organic honesty that is totally lived in and permanent that makes it almost a predestined inevitability that your tiny little world will be as transformed after seeing and hearing him in action than our world was when the asteroid blew away T-Rex. But you don’t have to take my word for it…why not read these unsolicited celebrity endorsements. “Lizard is rockin beyond where the human condition has heretofore been able to rock.” Phallus Cooper, “Lizard is balls out for breakfast” Air Bud (basketball playing doggie movie star), “Its like getting a hard core orgy of the senses led by an electrified voodoo chieftain.” F. Scott Fitzgerald. So you see it is a fait accompli that he would rock thee AND roll thee.
The only female currently in the burgeoning, bourgeoisie sausage fest known as the Flabby Hoffman Trio (unless you count Harpo Marxist who’s sexual affiliation is still a matter of contention). Sultry voiced, passionate and profoundly expressive traits all come effortlessly to this emotive font of profound nuance and power. She has come a long way from her humble beginnings. Hottie is the latest in a long line of fortune telling interior designers. Her bloodline has long had a knack for predicting the future with uncanny accuracy as well as an incredible sense of color, fabric, utilization of space and the integration of form, ergonomics and style so critical in the interior design arts. So while she feng shui’s your bathroom and spruces up things in the boudoir, she can also let you know things from your future such as whether that flirtatious wink from the pool boy will lead to getting your storm drains cleared; whether that piece of farm land you’ve been ruminating over is worth investing in or is really a low grade radioactive waste dump on the edge of a hog farm or even where and when your underage baby sitter is going to go public about you tossing her salad while driving her to her Girl Scouts meeting. Plus she’s also one of the only female pimps in the major metropolitan area, specializing in role playing hookers. She’s got a Little Bo Peep that will knock your socks off and if you really want a party to remember, why not try out her Jerk Du Soliel package which features athletic hookers who have mastered the art of things like administering a coffee enema while in the boston crab position. Just don’t mess with her or she’ll send her enforcers out after you who are escaped army experimental mental patients/former used car salesmen with a long history of cannibalism and fan boy behavior to beat your ass raw and give you ultra mega rabies.
There are approximately 200,000 words in the english language; 180,000 words in the new testament; 50,000 words in the average Harlequin romance novel; but none of them measure up to the rapid fire lyrical word explosion that awaits you with Shag. He has been known to throw, on average, somewhere between 750,000 and 752,000 words per rap. And not a single one of them is a repeat. How does he do it? Why it’s something that none of you peasants would know about…and that’s a little something called “style.” Other emcees crumble like a urinal cake under the amber hued stream of the most slovenly beer swilling elephantine slob (aka Flabby Hoffman). He disses dis, he disses dat, his disses never misses. So best to keep on his good side or he’ll verbally rip you a new one and serve up a beat down that’ll take you straight to frown town. He spits fire, so make sure that you keep a bucket of water nearby. The Society For Rappers, Hip Hoppers and Modern Day Beatniks, which is the adjudicating and certification board for all things rap and hip hop, has ranked Shag amongst the best all time rappers/beatnik vocalists. In fact the list of the top five includes: 1.Shag 2. Shag 3. Shag 4. The Last Poets and 5. Shag
Life has got so many facets that we gloss over every day and if you quiet your mind you can hear it talk to you sometimes and show you things and send you messages. It’s difficult to sense them, and darn near impossible to figure out, but they are definitely there. If you listen closely, while Xenophon plays his guitar the messages and symbols will come to you in full force. He is a cosmic spaceman hovering over you and inside you, speaking to you on a plane that has no words or gestures. He drinks you with a straw, like a gin and tonic. He’ll also put some hair on your chest…especially you ladies. I mean that literally. He’ll put a prosthetic chest hair wig on the gals because that’s how the rest of the guys in the band like it. That’s how Xenophon rolls. He’s the ultimate wing man. It’s always good to have a sentient otherworldly guitar player on your running crew. Why not too long ago the Flabby Trio got into a scrum with the members of the bands Velvet Revolver and The Ohio Players hanging out at the Rainbow Room on the Sunset Strip. Harpo Marxist and Shag were on a Harvey Wallbanger binge and bashed in Slash’s jaw with a giant bottle of Galliano after he started taunting them about how the FH Trio weren’t fit to kiss his sack. Before you know it, a full scale donnybrook had eruptured and there were more chairs flying through the air than on a very special episode of Saved By The Bell. And then Xenophon climbed on top of a table and stood in the corner and simply waved his hand. The fight immediately stopped, the room became tranquil and then ten minutes later all three bands were sharing a taxi and on their way to Sunset Sound to pull an all night session re-recording the Band Aid song “Do They Know It’s Christmas” to raise money to build polyurethane igloos for Eskimos who have been displaced by global warming.
Flabby and Jerry go way back. Back to when music meant change and a way out of the plastic fantastic mind controlling rat race. Back to the days when a “Junior Mint” was a kind of candy and not a euphemism for an underage thai lady boy with an altoid flavored condom. But the point people for the revolution we’re killed off, the high minded succumbed to the narrow minded and the murderers slid into power to replace them. And the rat race just got darker and more demented as the global aristocracy saw what a threat an empowered multi-cultural and free society would bring to them. Because ultimately, when the oligarchs have finished consolidating companies and shipping all the middle class jobs to impoverished areas, and circling the wagons behind the impenetrable wall of the new omnipotent police state and taking that one open minded society and cloistering it behind a wall of fear, ignorance and hatred the world would be ripe for the plucking and the ultimate dystopian global totalitarian state. This “Fourth Reich” will usher in an empire of darkness throughout the world for 1000 years. Plus, they’ll also destroy all chocolate! It’s all outlined in Jerry’s new book: “How I Learned To Stop Hating Analingus” now available in your local grocer’s freezer case.
Old Glacky got his start as a former member of a poorly conceived all male version of the New York City Rockettes. The ill fated dance troupe made what in hindsight could be viewed as the worst tactical decision in history by booking their opening tour exclusively in maximum security prisons and aboard wayfaring sea vessels of the Merchant Marines. They were mercilessly pelted with rocks and garbage at every venue. A year later he was featured in yet another foolhardy venture, an all male version of the Golden Girls in the role of Gertrude, a former Tahitian fecal freak with earlobes the size of testicles. The tour manager for this stage show was also a psychotic putz and booked the act in nothing but hard core deep south bible studies and Pentecostal revival meetings. Each night was another adventure in trying to avoid getting “defrocked” as it were. It seemed that his luck would change when he was asked to become the host of a new reality TV game show modeled after the dark comedic 80’s movie Throw Mama From The Train, but unfortunately it was cancelled during the first episode after three of the players had successfully committed matricide on camera. So where do people go when everything in their creative lives has pinched a prodigious dump on their heads? Why to the Flabby Hoffman Trio of course…where all the marginally talented failures and fecal freaks can find a home.
Nicknames: Pee Pee Dookie, Sponge Boob Square Pants and Gunk Magnet. Hobbies: Stamp collecting, part time Tooth Fairy, Bass Guitar. Turn Ons: Goose liver pate mixed with fresh fetal embryo cells, bermuda shorts, bass guitar. Turn Offs: Rude people, minotaurs, muppets. A lot of people refer to Deluge as a human blooper reel, but the truth is, he’s more like a living and breathing version of Dopey from the 7 Dwarves. His affliction first manifested early in life when young Deluge was known to frequently play in the middle of the street and was hit numerous times by passing cars directly in the brain. As a teen he was a jittery and self conscious geek who wound up asking a large mountain goat to be his date for the senior prom. The only school he could get accepted to after high school was clown college, and even that he flunked out of during the enrollment period for his first semester of classes. He got a job as a professional loofah technologist with a specialty in exfoliating stretch marks. It was this job that inadvertently gave Deluge his first brush with fame as he was hired to work on attempting to smooth out the stretch marks of none other than Jerrod The Subway Guy, a task that was rumored to have brought Pierre to the brink of a nervous breakdown from exhaustion. It was his reputation however for doing such fine work in the field that first brought him to the attention of Flabby, but once he heard him play bass, Flabby convinced him to give up the sponge baths for good and become arguably, the most charismatic bassist of all time.
Eclectic somnambulist and author of the radical theological treatise known as “The Unabomber Manifesto Part Deux: Return To The Blue Lagoon,” Oprah Bin Laden has found his ultimate vehicle for self expression in the bass guitar. It took a long journey of self discovery to come to this realization and many trials and tribulations were surmounted in this quest. These trials included, but were not necessarily limited to: receiving an intimate deep tissue massage from a nude Rosie O’Donnell; having all his nose hairs yanked out by a epileptic Nepalese Sherpa with a rusty tweezers; eating at nothing but Olive Garden for 3 days in a row; walking on sunshine; being forced to watch Katie Couric while on acid; getting a high colonic during low tide; having his ears pierced with the same ice pick used to kill Trotsky and being forced to read People Magazine at gun point. He is perhaps most famous for creating a version of the AIDS quilt for people suffering from “the drip” called The Gonococcus Quilt (now currently containing 3 panels). Famous quote: “I came, I saw, I conquered…and then I came two more times.”
Keytar is one of the most least understood instruments in the english language. In addition to being perhaps the sexiest instrument in the history of folk music, it is also the first instrument to ever to have someone play a rocking solo on while getting a simultaneous BJ and body cavity search (that infamous solo appears on the song “I’m All Outta Love” by Air Supply). The Rich Xperience is recognized as the leading exponent of keytar in the world today (primarily due to the fact that he is the only one on Earth that still plays one) but he has found his home with the Flabby Trio as a flautist. He flaunts his flute, flirtatiously flaming like flares in a fluke conflagration. Many people have reported seeing sparks fly out of his ass while he is tooting away on his stiff, shiny tube. There are no words that can adequately describe the intense moisture that forms in one’s nethers when Rich X gets to pumping out a series of blasts. And like some modern day, real life, asexual Pied Piper, he can put listeners into a trance and command them to do his bidding. Things like free prostate exams; free rectal thermometer exams; free coffee enemas; free advice and free hugs. His latest solo album “Imprison All Honkies” is referred to as a “seminal” work primarily because of the amount of semen that was discharged during the recording sessions. He also worked part time sniffing out drugs for the D.E.A. which he can do because his olfactory senses are higher than even the most cornholed bloodhound in all of dixie.
His actual native russian name is physically unpronounceable however it roughly translates to “Ivana Humpyerleg.” This robust and testosterone fueled crooner and bass master’s raw expressiveness is so profound and rare that it vividly points out a classic example of how miserable the rest world has become. Had Richard Nixon never installed a policy of co-opting radio to create a counter-revolutionary indoctrination device thereby ruining our culture and turning us all into a bunch of neutered and brainless slaves, Ivan Russia would be deemed a god among men. Unfortunately, after the government has bombarded our souls with the eternally robotic and demoralizing waves of disco, MTV and now Clear Channel “music” the whole damn place is lousy with desensitized idiots and pacified zombies. Had the world been left to organically develop as it was meant to into a more responsive, dynamic and equitable free society, Ivan today would be in a permanent state of receiving blow jobs 24/7 as a function of and in response to his raw power and expressive heft. As is, even with the world being reduced to a useless and sterile police state, Ivan still gets blow jobs at a rate higher than 20 average men. Its Blow Job City USA man!
Got his start in show biz the typical way by being a seven year old gopher behind the scenes in the ladies dressing room at a graphic burlesque show. He was raised around more boobs than you’d find at party featuring the United States Congress and The Grammy Awards winners for the last 20 years combined. It wasn’t all just bikini waxing and pasties for the lucky young lad, there were some drawbacks to overcome. By the age of 8 he was already a addicted to most needle drugs, an alcoholic, had chronic penis envy, double dyslexia, was a pill popping fiend, had stockholm syndrome and full blown alzheimer’s. His first job onstage instead of backstage was to win the lead role in the Annie, the first boy to ever perform the lead role. During opening night however his nads dropped 30 seconds after the first scene commenced and he was ultra mega fired by the time act two had started. Turned out that this was a blessing in disguise as when they threw him out of the theater he hit his head on an abandoned dumpster baby out in the alley and went into a coma for 16 years. The rest is, as they say, history. He woke up, immediately went down to the rehearsal space where the Flabby Trio was putting the final touches together in advance of their groundbreaking Steel Wheels Tour (groundbreaking only in as much as there is no concrete strong enough to keep from cracking when Flabby walks across it) walked into the room and immediate became their lead singer and occasional bassist.
This legendary pioneer has a penchant for peeling grapes for casual sex partners and is known for wearing an iconic tight body suit made entirely out of cat skin. Sure he’s one of the most dynamic bassists in history, however few know that he first rose to prominence as 3 out of the 5 original members of The Temptations. One time at band camp while receiving a rusty trombone from a then as of yet undiscovered Yitzak Pearlman, he came up with an idea that was to revolutionize the way that musicians stuffed their crotches. 525,600 minutes later an iconic methodology was born as for the first time ever a cucumber was used by a rock musician to enhance the crotch area. When asked what those early pioneering experiences were like The Duke would reply using a crude amalgam of smoke signals, semaphore and arcane pictographs to respond that no one on Earth has as of yet been able to decipher. He was also the first person to wear a scratch and sniff moustache.
David Bowie refers to the talented violinist of the FH Trio as “who are you talking about, I’ve never heard of him.” He got his start in an all violin marching band at the University Of Gorgeous outside of Rouge Baton Lousyanna. After 23 years of grad school in which he earned 13 different doctorates in a wide variety of subjects including geology, astro-physics, how to turn around distressed property for fun and profit and animal husbandry, he went on to become a famous Hollywood stunt violinist. He was the first violinist to successfully jump the Snake Canyon in a rocket car, the first violinist to walk over a shark tank on a tightrope while playing “Love In Bloom” and he was the on call stunt violinist for all of Burt Reynolds 1970’s action movie blockbusters such as Gator, Cannonball Run, Sharky’s Machine and Stroker Ace. Also had a 15 minutes of fame moment when he was included in the movie “Fame” alongside Irene Cara and a spool of twine in a scene that lasted exactly 15 minutes.
A founding member of The League Of Extraordinary Gentiles as well as the President of the Dutch Oven Affinity Society, Keith has had a lot of intense experiences. Like his favorite flavor of ice cream, life has frequently been a rocky road. Everyone already knows about the well publicized public persona of Keith Samsonite, but what few people know is that he is also the world’s foremost authority on novelty panties. His collection, now occupying an entire wing of the Smithsonian Institution, includes such inconceivable trinkets as: the Dribble Panties, Magnetic\ Panties, Double Stuff Panties, Achy Breaky Panties, Glass Bottom Panties, Chattering Teeth Panties, Fake Doggie Doo Panties, Joy Buzzer Panties and Groucho Panties. He is an icon, an redonkulously gifted guitarist, a national treasure and a floor wax that cleans as it brightens.
The first emperor of the little known ancient Roman prefect in the Haight Asbury district of San Francisco circa (200-143 B.C.), Magnus was a pioneer and one of the most effective and just administrators on the outer reaches of the Roman Empire at its pre-Jesus years peak. He built a small coliseum in the southern reaches of his territory (now known as Candlestick Park) that grew to become legendary for the spectacles he would put together feeding a wide variety of lead guitar players to lions, tigers and occasionally a voracious pack of badgers. Later in life he mellowed and, being a lead guitarist of immense power and dynamic range himself, took to freeing many of the guitarist slaves in his keep and instead started sacrificing bass players to the lions. The person we see performing with the FH Trio is the actual Magnus Maximus who was accidentally transported to our time space continuum as part of an alien abduction that went horribly wrong….like a fox!
A sexy completely hairless member of a tribe of aboriginal indigenous 19 year old man boys from a secluded valley deep in the New Zealand outback is where Twink Floyd hails from. He spends most of his life, as his ancestors did, appearing in barely legal deviant porno movies where the plots are as thin as Kate Moss during her anorexic heyday and the man meat flows like wine at a Charlie Sheen bachelor party. One evening following a shoot on a film entitled “99 Bottles Of Queer On The Wall,” Twink went with the best boy and the key grip from the movie to a bar where the FH Trio was performing. One schwing led to another and before you knew it….he was getting a series of blow jobs on stage by the Jonas Brothers. Before that happened however, he sang a few back up vocals for the FH Trio, played bass on a few songs and bada bing he became a full fledged member of the outfit. Nowadays he splits his time between part time back up vocals and hard core bukkake vids and according to his blog could not be happier. (p.s. for those who are wondering….he spits.)
Not only is Seagrams 7 one of the greatest improvisers and vibest of vibes players in the free world, he is also one of the greatest exponents of applying various elements from a wide array of cultural and religious practices all into one lifestyle which he calls “Tele Shriner Yoga-Toga Uber oly-ology” or C.A.N.C.K.L.E. for short. Few people realize that his name is not only signifying booze, but also denotes his having attained the 7th level of consciousness in the Concentric Rings of The Circle Of Seagrams (a very sacred holy order of extreme partiers and iconic myth busters). His own Order Of The C.A.N.C.K.L.E. combines a search for the kundalini, with kegel exercises, a strict interpretation of the Bhagavad Gita, watching a specially constructed dvd made up of nothing but local car dealer commercials, calling forth a giant salmon named Prince Blotto from the ancient Great Stream Of The Cahokia Mounds, sucker punching dehumanized industrialists, partying on the moon, digging in the dirt finding the places we got hurt, Meiji Period/Era style Kabuki Theater and creating the ultimate spork. Groove off it like your life depended on it.
A jock of all trades, Deet has been at one time or another: a private dick, a pantomime zebra, a trapeze pivot/anchor for The Flying Wallendas, a sheep shearing shepherd, a wet nurse for siamese twins, a mechanical bull designer, a voodoo doll, a career bachelor, a stunt double for Rosie O’Donnell on The Flintstones movie, a pre-Chihuahua “yo quiero Taco Bell” mascot, a brewmaster for a microbrewery called Fizzmunger’s Stale Ale, a crash test dummy for N.A.S.A., a not-so-hot plate for warming things up to room temperature, an Indian burial ground, a Riverdance choreographer, a speech writer for Stephen Hawking and a spokesperson for The Society Of Ass To Mouth Celebrity Call Girls and Cum Dumpsters (also known as the S.A.T.M.C.C.G.C.D). He is responsible for such incredible achievements as: creation of a pitch to NCAA for second college hoops tournament in May called the May Mayhem (as a follow up addition to March Madness), built the world’s first robotic nuclear powered army of super birds, invented a cocktail using nothing but the fluid squeezed out of used hypodermic needles and coney island whitefish found washed up on New Jersey beaches and bathtub gin, won the Oregon State Fair jelly and jam competition eight years in a row, became the first living creature to reliably predict the past with a greater than 45% accuracy rate, is the only person to be a fan of the movie The Lair Of The White Worm, plus he also he rewrote the Constitution to replace that list of all of those stupid rights and freedumbs that no one uses anymore with a simple one sentence statement “God loves handguns!”
Got his nickname of “table leg” out of a cereal box as a youth and was known to frequent fancy french boutiques, boulangeries and salons until one day during an out of body experience he had a vivid yet largely surreal vision which he misinterpreted to be a calling for him to become a drummer (turns out that the actual meaning of his vision he would find out much too late was actually to become an insurance salesman). His first few days of trying to learn the drums were a whirlwind, but provided him with meteoric success. Within 45 minutes after his first lesson he was asked to be the replacement drummer for John Bonham in Led Zeppelin when the legendary drummer drowned to death in 1982 in a shallow puddle of his own vomit. Ever since then, Miles incorporates a fake drowning in his own vomit scene in the middle of every one of his drum solos. One time while working on a follow up to the Security album with Peter Gabriel he was told to play on the entire album using nothing but cymbals in a move Gabriel referred to as “symbolic.” The album was of course totally unlistenable as no one could hear anything but cymbal washes and crashes and was not only never released but the master tapes were burned, blown up during an underground nuclear testing, shot out of a bazooka and pissed on by rabid hobos with a virulent case of scurvy. He hooked up with the Flabby Trio after meeting Flabby while playing drums for a Pablo Cruise/Slayer tribute band on a prisoner transport vehicle while Flabby was being transferred to an all female impersonator wing of Sing Sing prison. They have been collaborating on mind expanding and transcendent rock jams ever since.
Ted is the latest in a long line of Ted Shreds and the contemporary edition of a heroic and immensely powerful tradition. Like some combination of Green Lantern, The Phantom, Shazam and Jane Fonda, the person that becomes Ted Shred is chosen by the previous Ted Shred to carry on the legacy. The origin dates back to Greco/Roman times and the name “Ted Shred” is actually an acronym, each letter of which explains part of where his power is derived. T is for the leg strength from a “T-Rex”; E is for the sexual attraction to one’s own mother from “Edipus;” D is from the long lasting refreshing breath from cinnamon flavored “Dentyne gum;” S is for the capability to pull of long extended prog rock jams from the influence of “Suppers Ready” by Genesis; H is for the heat containment that keeps 92% of the heat from escaping his body through his head that he gets from “Hats;” R is for the acting talent derived from none other than acting superstar “Raul Julia;” the other E is from the tailoring ability he got from “Euripides” (as in Euripides pants…you bought em); and the other D is from the major league pitching ability from none other than “Don Larsen.” Together these powers have combined to form the most intense lead guitarist in the universe and part time intergalactic crime stopper.
One of the most hard core breathtaking guitarists ever and super creative, Mick Stone is a world class musical persona. He had humble beginnings though. When he was a youngling, his entire family was kidnapped and sent to work as gophers for Kathy Lee Gifford and never heard from again leaving him to raise himself. By the time he was 5 years old he already had two full time jobs and a thriving side business on the inspirational talk circuit harping his self help series of books. His third literary release: “Beat Me, Whip Me, Make Me Write Bad Checks” wound up on the New York Times Best Seller List (it turns out that his being on the best seller list was a typo and based on actual sales should never have been anywhere near that list…but it was on there nonetheless). By the time he was 18 he had already been married three times and had 5 kids and 4 grandchildren (all of whom were all named Mick Jr.). Currently he owns a series of ethiopian restaurants in south Alabama and is a well respected and innovative dog trainer who is trying to create the very first all dog version of Shakespeare’s Hamlet (in 1974 he released the famous children’s book version entitled Green Eggs And Hamlet).
An occasional bassist for the FH Trio is more widely known as the world’s top Vladimir Lenin celebrity impersonator. He got his start as the host of the controversial virgin deflowering game show entitled The Newley Speared Game where players vie to become the first man to put the spurs to a barely legal hottie virgin and bleach her rectal hair with a Q-tip. After the show was cancelled due to having ratings so high that no one was watching any other show on television, Fil went on a 3 year bender. When he started to come out of it, he found that he had spent 18 months as a combination Hare Krishna/Arms Dealer who had invented an artificial life support system for a hairdo. Currently clients for his hairdo system whose coiffures are being kept alive artificially include the hairdos of Zsa Zsa Gabor, Phyllis Diller and Ryan Seacrest. The name of his company is Hairdos And Donts. He also is into F-PILFs (family pets he’d like to F). His most intriguing power over all is the power of his jaw to jut out on command…the single most crucial element of his face which he developed in his many years on the celebrity Lenin impersonation circuit. His profile is said to be one of the powerful hand to hand combat weapons in recorded history due to the incredible jutting facility of his powerful jaw.
What do you get when you cross a horn arranger with a master percussionist a techno-vibes pioneer and a dessert topping? Aegis Pfefferman of course. He started off as a golf pro on a miniature golf course (the only one of his kind). His video “How To Swing On A Golf Course” was both the most sexually explicit training video in the history of putt putt golf and also garnered the best supporting actor Golden Globe award for a then unknown up and coming actor (and still totally unknown) Pervis Bloodgasm. His first experience with the A List music biz crowd was as the tour massage artist (under the alliterative nome de guerre of “Monsieur Tour Masseur De Jour De Rigueur”) for Madonna on both the Blonde Ambition and the Shameless Cash Grab Money Grubbing Talentless Slut Tours. His next experience found him actually performing onstage. He starred in the critically acclaimed Shaft: The Musical as the black private dic who’s the sex machine with all the chicks which he followed with the tour de force starring role as Desdemona in the groundbreaking all vegan version of Macbeth (which due to product tie ins with the “golden arches” people was renamed “McBeth” with the obligatory Happy Meals with poisonous toads, purple horseshoes, green clovers and of course a poseable Iago with Kung-Fu Grip toys…collect all six). He was fired with extreme prejudice (including a number of people calling him such non-politically prejudiced names as “shirt lifter” and “irish”) when the suits found out that neither Desdemona nor Iago were actually in Macbeth, but instead were in one of Shakespeare’s lesser known plays “A Midsummer Night’s Salad Tossing” which was later made into the famous movie Dude Where’s My Car? Following all this, Aegis decided to follow his muse and perform and arrange cutting edge jazz and progressive music as much as humanly possible.
Hailing from one of the darkest and most sensual areas of the Scandanavian Peninsula, namely Sweden, Sven is an artist’s artist seeking only to perfect the craft of expressing himself at the highest most evocative level possible at all times. Carrying on the great Swedish tradition in the discipline of video, Sven has become a living embodiment of the quest for an undeniable video excellence in art form. He earned his stripes as most Swedish videologists do, in the porn industry. Many have frequently written lengthy, effusive and didactic treatises on his work citing the influences of icons of cinema such as Bergman, Fellini and Ron Jeremy. He served in a variety of capacities in the field (except of course “fluffer”) on such movies as “Wankenstein,” “The Joy Suck Club,” “Silence Of The Clams,” “Gilligan’s Bi-land,” “Creature With The Black Harpoon,” “Scrotal Recall,” “Spray It Forward,” “The Codfather,” “Diddle Her On The Roof,” “A Star Is Shorn,” “Ate Men Out,” “Beverly Hills Copulator,” “Citizen Kanal,” “Meat The Parents” and of course the Academy Award winning skin flick musical “My Bare Lady.” Now he’s taken all the skills he learned in the rough and tumble world of smut and translated it into the art of the video installation which he proudly unfurls in wild, weird and picturesque archive of videos as part of the Flabby live experience. Because one thing’s for sure, if you’ve ever gotten a close look at the members of the Flabby Trio, you know that you’ll need to have something else to stare at besides their faces lest you get a bout of nausea that would make a hard core case of Montezuma’s Revenge seem like mild indigestion. You’re bound to be warm for his form in more ways than three from the word go.
Another space traveler and old soul on a pit stop here on planet Earth waiting for his instructions from beyond the space time vortex to continue on his journey throughout the various planes of awareness. The sleeper inside you awaits the pulsating quiver that his kind will bring to us all from a place that is both inside us and beyond the known capacity of our cognizance. Plus he’s also a notary public, so he’s got that going for himself as well. He also comes complete with a full array of spy gadgets which he uses to neutralize the advantage any enemy might seek on him. His state of the art field kit includes: death ray laser watch, mini-mobile crime lab, exploding toe, squirt gun that shoots 8 month old fetid wolverine urine, explosive tipped toilet brush, poison cheese, a fountain pen that turns into a fountain, the first season of the TV series Gray’s Anatomy on laser disc, a cufflink that turns into an Iroquois class battle destroyer, a Hawaiian tiki amulet that causes 60’s and 70’s stereotypical nuclear families to hit skids of bad luck and throw a series of kanipshin fits, a dog that can eat its own mouth and a robot shaped like a giant anthropomorphic duck that breathes fire and drops wads of chewing gum on sidewalks which people get on their shoes which grosses them out and pisses them off but good. When it comes to vocals, his dynamic talents and explosive charisma are unrivaled by anyone anywhere.
He is a founding member of the famous animatronic band, The Bulbous Norriegas, at the now defunct Blowfizz Pizza chain. He is also the only local Chicago sax player to not only have gone full EGOT (winning Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony awards), but he has also added several other less universal, but nonetheless stellar achievement awards such as the Uniformity Of Granulation Award for his recipe for oatmeal, Best Turn Around Time Award for his rapid response to a request to change an email address on his mailing list, a Nobel Peace Prize for Advanced Urinalysis, an Illinois State Fair Blue Ribbon for coming in first in a Pie Eating Contest and the Employee Of The Month Award at Long John Silver’s. Claims that he himself is a cybernetic robot from the planet Neptoid Prime who has come here to harvest our ear wax and nose hair have been derailed by a series of scathing articles in the New England Journal Of Medicine and Boy’s Life Magazine. Suffice it to say that if there’s a party in your mouth, you’d do well to invite him.
Many of the Flabby Trio members (who shall go nameless) have performed as celebrity personalities before. One of them is a part time Olympia Dukakis impersonator, another is a Dakota Fanning impersonator and even a third appears at Shriner’s conventions disguised as Loni Anderson. But Green E. is perhaps the best of them all. The Environmental Elvis is not only an impersonator, but a crusader as well. Because no matter where you come down on the argument about whether global warming exists or whether you’re a moron brainwashed by years of disinformation and an innate infantile stupidity, the fact is that land fills are overflowing, floating garbage piles are clogging waterways, methane from dairy and beef cows is choking the atmosphere, glaciers are melting, the polar ice caps and the rainforests are shrinking at unheard of rates and even the supposed left wingers are drilling baby drilling and strip mining mountain ranges and the ocean bottom at a rate which is bound to leave us on a dried out husk of a planet which cannot sustain life in any form whatsoever. Which in all honesty isn’t all bad, because in theory if all the humans on Earth were dead that would definitely stop traffic jams, stupid commercialized culture and finally end the war on terror. But in an effort to save the planet, one man/king has drawn a line in the oil drenched sand and refuses to roll over and play dead…and that man is Green E. Wont you help him raise awareness of and permanently defeat the hunka hunka Burnin Sludge.
A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. What is the sound of one hand with the clap? Soup, its what’s for dinner. These questions and others have wracked the tiny, infantile brains of human beings since the beginning of Spring Training 1993. Most people dig a hole in their back yards and bury their heads inside them daring and tempting every dirt farmer to wig out in technicolor until the cows come home with bells on singing “Nearly My God To Pee” in the native Swahili. Not Windstruct Didgeridoo. He has mastered the fine art of defining one’s own passion in idyllic and utopian splendor which transports the essence of the progenitor of the human soul into the realm of pure relentless motion. One becomes utterly free the moment they are captured in the bubble of its eternal boundlessness. The air has color, the mind forms shapes and electrical pulses glow as words become faces and the trial becomes background noise. Do not let yourself see it or feel it until you are ready to admit it into your heart otherwise it would tear up your facade and make you impenetrable.
Pantomime Zebra has been the single most meaningful icon in the underground music scene for the last 25 minutes. The dizzying highs, the staggering lows, the creamy middles…these are both par for the course and a day in the park for Pantomime Zebra. But you didn’t need me to tell you that. Teen People Magazine voted Pantomime Zebra the most recognizable figure in music today after having eaten Beyonce shortly after the national insult she perpetrated by lip synching at the 2nd inauguration of the nation’s first black president. Now viewed as a patriot and a symbol of a rebirth in America searching for an end to the brutal rule of the corporate nazis and slave masters who have for too long kept us shackled under the unbearable yoke of their oppressive indoctrination devices and social engineering.