“TOON-INS” – THE CARTOONS OF FLABBY HOFFMAN

swisarmy   SWISS ARMY VIBRATOR This miracle of modern science known as The Swiss Army Vibrator can really make a difference in your life…and oh what a difference.  Now available in butt plug only edition and travel size.   horton   HORTON HEARS A HOOKAH This delightful children’s tale is literally riddled with amusing quips and follies as the hard scrabble life of a burned out junkie elephant named Horton goes face down kitty up for drug money. Plus as a bonus, each page is made out of blotter acid for a full blendys in yer fobgundler.   pro_lifesavers   PRO LIFESAVERS Pro-Lifesavers are the delicious candy treat specially designed for the indoctrinated, brainwashed and beligerent toadies of the ultra-right as they smash and burn everything in their path on orders from their beloved overlords… Jesus and Charles Koch. Each candy comes laced with enough zoloft to take down Phillip Seymour Hoffman.   miss_parallel_universe   MISS PARALLEL UNIVERSE COMPETITION Coming soon to the Flocks Network is a whole new take on the great American tradition of beauty pageants…it’s the Miss Parallel Universe Competition. Its women and women like creatures from beyond our time space continuum gathered together with a panel of intergalactic judges voting on the most appealing based on a combination of physical beauty, multi-conferrable digestive capabilities, tele-kinetic brain amplitude and how good they look in a thong.   gw_titanic   GLOBAL WARMING TITANIC Still the top grossest movie of all time, Global Warming Titanic tells the tale of a mate and a mighty sailing man who set sail on a 143 hour tour of the Atlantic Ocean only to run afoul of a iceberg that due to climate change has assumed the size of a small rapidly melting flake of crushed ice. The drama kicks in when this scourge of the briny deep rips into the hull of the “unsinkable” ship and dissipates into flotsam almost immediately.   chitty_chitty_gang_bang   CHITTY CHITTY GANG BANG Chitty Chitty Gang Bang is the gritty no nonsense movie with a heart on. Coming to a local multi-screen brothel near you soon.   PASSION   THE PASSION OF THE ANTI-CHRIST

Finally the gospel according to Hollywood with all of its undeniable illusions, spectacle and multi-million dollar splendor. This new movie, The Passion of the Anti-Christ, shows just how masterfully and seamlessly The Industry has become at replacing the facts with individual fanatical beliefs and editorial content dressed up as truth. It’s the story of a satanic maniac and his sacrilegious cabal of pathological monsters who use their stranglehold on everything we see, read or hear to destroy all of humanity and wield their unholy police state and destructive machineries to bring about the apocalypse of Earth. Catch the exciting musical finale which takes place in the underground billion dollar lair of Anti-Christ as we are treated to 17 hours of dead members of the Kennedy family river dancing to the tune of Addicted To Love as sung by the disembodied condemned soul of Robert Palmer. The final line of this movie has the members of the brat pack from The Breakfast Club rip the head off of Charlie the Tuna and puke down his neck screaming: “Sorry Charlie, Americans don’t want sacrosanct tuna, Americans want tuna that is sacrosanct” which is destined to go down in movie history along with such lines as “I’m your huckleberry” from the movie “Fish Hook McGloin Rides Wonder Womb.”

    EXTREME   EXTREME TAKEOVER

New from the producers who brought you the reality show smash Extreme Makeover, where desperate families get their houses remodeled, comes the reality show about the U.S. military invading desperate countries to get their governments remodeled. Extreme Takeover features fun and inspiring scenes of Uncle Sam saving the godless and unwashed heathens of the world. After all of the show trials, chemical and explosive collateral damages, thousands of destroyed lives, media controlled distortions of the civilian death counts and wounded we get to see the pay off as the main streets are lined with McDonalds and commercialized state run television and newspapers are put into place to make the people think that they are happy and that all the suffering was worth it. For what is an amputated leg or scrotum when measured against the pure joy of having a fresh sausage biscuit while you watch Katie Couric perform auto-fellatio on herself with her ego every morning. Cause the truth of the matter is we invaded Afghanistan for the opium fields and we invaded Iraq for the oil and the Bush Regime used 9/11, and maybe even orchestrated it, as an excuse to do it as well as perpetuate a myth of an enemy to give renewed purpose to the military in a post Cold War era. If you don’t believe me, Google the Reichstag Fire, the Maine battleship, Yellow Journalism, and Iran-Contra. The Bush Regime is run by high level officials from the Nixon Administration. Check out COINTELPRO, Echelon and Watergate. Fact is we dumped more chemical weapons of mass destruction on Vietnam than Sadaam ever did on his people. The fact is you bought the lie or didn’t even take out enough time to really know how much we’ve really destroyed. To love your country blindly is to not love it at all, but a pipe dream. To truly love, you must be resolved to defeat the foes of the common good and fix the flaws over time until the object of your love is a true reflection of what you believe it should be, not a pipe dream.

    FOX   FOX IN FROCKS

While you are busy doing everything you can to turn yourself and your children into thoughtless and obedient zombies killing your souls in a effort to conform to some hideous agenda your pathological leaders are trying to mold you with. And your government has been systematically exporting what once were good paying honest jobs to make a career in the military one of the best options that a lower middle class person can achieve. You get suckered in everyday into thinking that the NRA and NASCAR are randomly and organically conceived organizations and not some clandestine way the government created to obtain the expenses for research and development for various war machinery like guns and high powered engines from the private sector. Occasionally this massive socialization process will backfire and you might just turn your kid into a fruit cake. Now you need not worry with the first children’s book for the gender confused Fox In Frocks. This delightful tale about a transgendered fox exploring his inner “fem” will teach your child about the joys of cross dressing and buggery. Now your kids can learn how to pick up a shore lunch and play ring around the spice hole without feeling all naughty and sassy.

    MILLION   MILLION DOLLAR RABIES

Some movies transcend the definitions of entertainment and move into a position within our cultural lexicon or even sometimes become like old family friends. How many shared moments or rights of passage have been experienced through movies like Mary Poppins, The Little Mermaid or Faces Of Death Pt. 3? Now there is a movie that makes all the rest of those old family favorites seem like a puddle of filth in a bathroom stall at a homeless shelter for indigent alcoholics. That movie is Million Dollar Rabies. Winner of over 16 Acadummy Awards including Best Scrotal Amputation Scene, Best Andean Mountain Plane Crash and Subsequent Cannibal Scene and Best Female Supporting Fudge Puncher, Million Dollar Rabies is a disturbing and graphic look and the most depraved people imaginable and fun for even the youngest and most impressionable viewers. Featuring the tantalizing acting work of Sneaky Bigjugs in the lead role of a washed up female boxer and former hooker that can suck the chocolate chips out of a cookie at 50 paces and her team of geriatric pimps, Milton Fruitcup and Marvin Cheesecheaks. Each one of them has a stupid and contrived coming of age moment blah, blah, blah which culminates in the greatest 3-D daisy chain scene in the history of family cinema.

    GRINCH   THE GRINCH WHO STOLE KWAANZA

This perennial TV holiday favorite is now available in an uncut directors version. Featuring the tale of a hideously deformed and disfigured beast that has become hateful from years of abuse, neglect and isolation. The Grinch attacks those things that he hates the most, which he blames as the source of his pain. Things like judging people on what they look like, materialism, and a mass media that sets a high level of beauty and perfection as the benchmark for everyone else to be compared to, in other words he sets out to destroy television. The tale comes to a raucous and hilarious end as the Grinch is strung up on top of a bed of razor blades and slowly sliced to death over for over 90 percent of this 3 hour movie. You’ll laugh so hard your head will split open like a 1000 degree hot popcorn kernel and rinse away the troubles of your useless complacent family by giving them the greatest gift of all, your death. Now available on VHS, Beta and Laser Disc. Special features include the directors commentary which goes into specific detail how to utilize and make the most out of your brain spatter.

    INCREDIBLE  

THE INCREDIBLE BULK

Action adventure never tasted so good. See Flabby Hoffman, radical iconoclast and social pariah wander the Earth following his having accidentally eaten a radioactive experimental chocolate cheesecake which releases his inner rage and destructive impulses to ingest comfort foods. He becomes the rampaging Bulk, a giant green fatso that destroys everything in his path in an effort to find cream pies and sweedish meatballs. Neither the police, nor the army, not even the Royal Canadian Mounties can contain the hunger of this amorphous blob. In the pilot episode watch as the Incredible Bulk eats the Keebler Elves, Kirstie Alley and Alaska. You are the single most self-absorbed, self-involved, greedy, conflicted and disingenuous person that I have ever met, and those are your better qualities. Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to have sex with me? There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was his name oh. Ich bin ein Berliner.

    FAREHNHEIT   FARENHEIT 7-11

You’re a Black Ops agent on a secret mission for the Neo-Fascist cabal that overthrew the United States in 1963, to kill a group of innocent civilians and make it look like a foreign terrorist organization. You have been ordered to kill Marla Ruzicka before she is able to get an accurate count of Iraqi civilian dead and make it look like a car bombing, but you have run out of plastic explosives. It’s 1:00am and your on a deadline to get the job done in time for the Monday morning news. That’s when it’s time to run out to Fahrenheit 7-11, your one stop 24 hour convenient store for the covert operative on the go. Featuring specials like a free order of nachos with every hand grenade or try the Big Cluster Bomb now only $0.99 with any $5 billion dollar purchase. Coming this summer, Fahrenheit 7-11 is being made into a documentary movie by Michael Moore. Using footage captured by the security cameras inside the stores, Moore’s film plans to show the intimate details of the behind the scenes process how thousands of secret operatives of the United States actually implement and support most of the violence throughout the world in an effort to feed the military industrial complex with grist for its mills.

    CHRISTIANEYE   CHRISTIAN EYE FOR THE QUEER GUY

Clearly our society has challenges. Ever since the election of Ronald Reagan in 1980, the United States has been on a path of rampant and inescapable destruction of everything that once made it great. We are now characterized by our intolerance, we live in a police state, our infrastructure is in tatters, our debt is nearly insurmountable, our education system is amongst the worst in the industrialized world, our culture is brainless, the gap between rich and poor has skyrocketed, the middle class has been nearly destroyed, corporate consolidations have destroyed free competition and capitalism as well as any sense of individuality within our society, health coverage is a joke and our violence and prison systems have grown to a level never seen since the dark ages. These are the accomplishments of the Republicans since they have assumed control of the United States in 1980. True, the United States gave up all of these things to win the Cold War,the price we paid however has destroyed everything that made us strong. What does any of this have to do with Christian Eye For The Queer Guy? Nothing, but I can’t help it if you’re conventional mindset and preconceived notions have forced your expectations into such predictable strictures. Proof again that you are being duped.

    CHICKEN   CHICKEN OF THE ECSTACY

Gnarly the Tuna is the original party animal and has spent his entire life consuming mass quantities of drugs and performing as many indecent acts as possible with various female crustaceans of ill-repute. He in fact lists his greatest accomplishment as being the time that he got a hand job from an octopus. Now that he is getting on in years, Gnarly is trying his best to find a way to fulfill his destiny and have 98% of his body and vital organs chopped up to make up a part of Chicken of the Ecstacy, the tuna that is laced with potent psychotropic hard core hallucinogens. He finds himself turned down time after time however usually due to the fact that he is currently in a same sex marriage with a cod. Chicken of the Ecstacy after all, like all other drug pushers, is owned by Republican right wing social engineers, who realize that same sex marriages, abortions and activist judges (90% of which they are responsible for appointing) are destroying our children’s ability to accept the Iraq War as just and they should volunteer to kill in the name of Jesus. Once we destroy all divergent culture and thought in America, it will make it much easier to convince people that the insurgency in Iraq is not being carried out by American operatives to give the world and the Iraqis an excuse to keep the American occupation ongoing while we pump oil out.

    iraq   IRAQ ‘EM SOCK ‘EM ROBOTS

Parents, have you been wondering how to get your selfish little spoiled piglets socialized into the conformist mindset of the neo-fascist ultra right society of The Forth Reich (a.k.a. The United States)? The answer is of course to simply let them watch TV. While TV is doing it’s job however, you can pitch in by making sure that you buy the incredibly thoughtless and hurtful toys that the multi-level marketers are designing to ensure that your children never have a personality deeper than a muddy puddle of night filth. One such is example which you must immediately procure is Iraq ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots. This game gives your kids the dose of sanitized mechanical violence which will addict them to the unique adrenalin rush of modern mechanized warfare. Two robots: Team Bush and Team Sadaam go up against each other in a battle royale. The Bush robot is fixed to win every time as Team Sadaam has been weakened by years of embargos and precision bombings. It’s time for us all to become reckless and destructive, and with Iraq ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots, your kids can get the head start that will serve them well when they serve time in one of our many future prisons or are indoctrinated into the Army Of Darkness for our upcoming war with the Iranians.

    du   DU-2

War is a many splendored thing. Without war we would never have been graced by the incredible politically insightful and socially intuitive charismatic music of DU-2. Formed when members of the rock band U-2 got too close to artillery shells laced with America ‘s favorite chemical weapon of mass destruction, depleted uranium (D.U.), while playing a concert to entertain the U.S. Stormtroopers in Iraq. The high levels of radiation in the D.U. have made those that come into contact with it get radiation sickness, cancers and the so called Gulf War Syndrome. DU-2 has contracted them all. Their loss is our gain however, for as they make their way to a life dominated by nausea, pain, illness and premature death, as so many of our conquered foes and servicemen have suffered, they are making some of the most impressive gothic/alternative music in the pop culture cannon. The proud screaming puke at the end of their song The Inoperable Fire is considered by most as one of the greatest moments in recorded rock history. While their star has been tarnished a bit when their lead singer’s breast fell off during a televised halftime performance at the 2003 WNBA Championships, they are still considered the best terminal band of all time.

    worst   THE WORST WING

There’s a new name in drama as the man destined to become the patron saint of the idiot box, none other than Prez. George Jr. now has his own hour long drama. Yes, from the producers of The West Wing this new blockbuster is called The Worst Wing. Watch in silent amazement as Bush Sr. and Dick Cheney employ the most devious and destructive government since the days of Stalin while they send their satanic smirking puppet George W. on a non-stop campaign tour for four years. While many think this series shows that there really must be a free media capable of dissent, the truth of the matter is that the reason this show exists is to create a database for the NSA of those interested in a show that offers some anti-establishment content. Those people found to actually view this show will be put on a watch list and in the second Bush term will be rounded up and sent to Sri Lanka to work in a forced labor camp. In that camp you will be subject to tortures most foul and your skin will become so rancid that you will contract a deadly and inoperable crotch rot and ultimately be driven to hang yourself using your own entrails. Your body will then be hollowed out and used as a shipping container to send the tennis shoes your work camp manufactures to Foot Lockers all around the country.

    chopping   THE HOME CHOPPING NETWORK

Some international legitimate resources claim that as many as 68,000 people have died as a result of the war in Iraq . Now a cable TV network has found another way besides harvesting Iraqi oil to capitalize on all the death. Al-Jeezeera, the infamous Arabic news network is proud to bring you the latest in exploitative cable channels; The Home Chopping Network. Now thanks to HCN, everyone can join in the insurgency within the comfort of your own home. You can cherry pick from one of many Western hostages and have them shipped directly to your village. HCN will send you a webcam with links directly to your very own anti-American website so you can broadcast your torture and beheading to the entire world. Each purchase comes complete with the informative booklet called “50 Tips For Fun And Profit With Western Cadavers.” This booklet has over 49 different exciting and potentially rewarding uses for your hostage once the “Chopping” has been completed. Everything from whoring out the cadaver at the local bus depot to doing the Mexican Hat Dance using your victim’s head instead of a sombrero. So if your tired of hanging on the sidelines and letting your anger and loss get the best of you, but due to having your legs blown off during a precision bombing you just can’t make it to Fallujah, you too can exact your pound of flesh thanks to The Home Chopping Network.

    morocco   MOROCCO BELL

Featuring the first drive thru window for camels, Morocco Bell is the fast food haven for the Middle Eastern cuisine maven. With one bite of our delicious swill you will feel like a sexy little bitch on the way to the senior prom in a limo with the captain of the football team feeding you a fist full of pancakes through your breathing tube. You will spew forth a liquid filth of radioactive super jizz and monkey sweat in a frenzied fervor for the flavor of our copious servings. Your very spirit will be kidnapped and sent to a Guatemalan Death Camp where you will sit in as guest host entertaining the camp’s inmates on their very own stage show called Total Request Evisceration. And now you can bring in the kids and get them an Unhappy Meal. Each meal comes with a falafel, a side order of baba ghanouj, a seltzer and a fun Coalition themed toy. You can get such premiums as a Tommy Franks action figure, an un-detonated cluster bomb, a pair of L. Paul Bremer’s combat boots, an ancient artifact looted from the Iraqi National Museum , a coupon for an uninterrupted hour of electricity or a Teenage Mutant Ninja Burn Victim doll. So quit being a victim of the extermination of an entire race of people, and bring the entire harem on down and pig out, oops I said “pig!”

    christ   THE FASHION OF THE CHRIST

The power and scope of the pathological super demons that exert their stranglehold over the United States have been revealed for those that pay attention in this new movie about the little known years of Jesus’ career as a runway model in The Fashion Of The Christ. The underlying strength of the social engineering at play in formulating your absolute compliance with the status quo is in that entire social events are specifically orchestrated to manipulate our culture to mold our consciousness. Just as the issue of gay marriage has somehow made its way into the public dialogue seemingly on schedule to motivate the living hell out of the reactionary right wingers in time for them to defend America’s honor by voting Republican (nothing motivates a right winger more than the opportunity to repress a minority). Such is the case with this movie, showing the incredible suffering that the Jews in charge of the fashion industry inflict on Jesus. This is manifest in hours of graphic footage showing the King of Kings binging, purging and later starving himself just to fit into a pair of size 26 Calvin Klein jeans. The right wingers feel justified and empowered by the movie imagery and Hollywood glamorized glory depicted on the screen of their heroic leader’s incalculable suffering as a call to them to make sacrifices to thwart the evil Jews (Democrats) from stopping Jesus (George W.) from delivering millions of unwanted unborn fetuses directly into a lifetime of welfare, minimum wage and imprisonment.

  WELCOME BACK QATAR   WELCOME BACK QATAR

Laugh along with joyous glee at this new DVD collection of the seminal 1970’s TV sitcom. Made back in the days when television featured classic ensemble casts instead of crappy second rate and or washed up movie actors and nobodies, Welcome Back Qatar features the classic coupling of Osama and Sadaam. A duo that some people (i.e. American Regime elements) are still trying connect in some way. This series is not a Hollywood original, but amazingly it is only a third generation derivative. Relive the magic again and again, and don’t forget to check out the directors cut featuring the commentary of someone imitating the voice of Chairman Mao.

    sixth_sensi   THE SIXTH SENSE – IMILLA

There are some movies that are more than just 90 minutes of bull crap, some films are transcendent works of luminous incandescence which make our puny and ineffectual lives seem otherwise insignificant in comparison. This particular radiant movie has got plenty of that second type, in spades even. It features the journey of a young stoner who comes across some one hit “kind” bud and smokes up using his enchanted seven foot magical graphics bong. His buzz however is so intense that he starts to hallucinate, seeing the ghostly images of members of the Grateful Dead. He then meets up with a spirit guide, a Tuberculosis infested dead papoose named Runs With Stomach Cramps, who spends the rest of the movie talking about the symbolisms inherent in the characterizations from the movies of Fellini.

    fish_wanda   A FISH CALLED RWANDA

This movie is the first to combine the formidable elements of slapstick comedy with the high powered action of scene after scene of systematic genocide. In a plot that features more twists and turns than the political obfuscations of a Republican Press Secretary, “Fish” is not a sham of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a sham. This movie is instead a metaphor for the symbolic. Splicing scenes of pie fights with the graphic slaughter of tribesmen and frequent colorful subtitles repeating the transcript of the court case of the Unibomber, “Fish” is a panacea reverberating in the deepest parts of humankind’s innermost collective unconscious. Also there are no less than thirty seven separate transvestite revealing scenes a la “The Crying Game” where the main characters are forced to fall in love with women who are in reality well hung.

    amistad   AMISTAD – THE BOARD GAME

In today’s day and age, most of the toys that are made for kids are product tie-ins with movies that are little more than eye candy. Most of the time it looks like the movies are created specifically to sell the merchandise. With this in mind it is no wonder that the children of today are vapid, creatively empty, intellectual midgets. Now there is a licensed product from a movie that guarantees to have your children fraught with relative historical perspectives. Amistad, The Board Game, is the game where you try and sink your opponent’s slave ships before he sinks yours. Your children get to utilize strategy, cunning and a fanatical devotion to white supremacy in this game. Skills which unfortunately are as pertinent today as they were back in the days of the inhumanly diabolical exploitations of the early Empire of The United States. And if you like Amistad, you don’t want to miss the new “Monopoly “ The Tuskeegee Experiment Edition, available this Christmas.

    spongebob   CONTRACEPTIVE SPONGE BOB

What with the right wing usurping of power within the Empire of The United States, it can’t be long before the right to abortion becomes a crime punishable by death. Soon America will be crushed under the weight of having a million and a half unwanted children born into impoverished situations causing welfare roles and prison populations to explode. The pirate-like pharmaceutical companies are one step ahead of the game in sponsoring this new kiddie toy that combines the plush toy fun of a cute little friendly doll with the utilitarian versatility of a contraceptive sponge. Kids are experimenting with sex at younger and younger ages and soon we’ll have to send 12 year olds to the gas chamber for having to illegally terminate pregnancies that would have killed them during childbirth. It’s a high stakes game risking the eminent demise of your child rather than buying them this cute little fuzzy prophylactic. Get on board for the big win!

    JERRY LEE LEWIS TELETHON   THE JERRY LEE LEWIS TELETHON

Once thought of as too graphic to be talked about in public, now it’s Hollywood ‘s latest “cause celeb;” people who marry their own underage cousins are now considered anti-heroes dedicated to a cause against insurmountable odds. Many have found the philosophy of “The Killer,” Jerry Lee Lewis to be refreshing in this age of stoic repressive right wing megalomania, self-righteousness and endlessly conservative media which pervade every aspect of our daily lives. The producers of the Jerry Lewis Telethon have graciously given of themselves to create this televised charitable event in support of the fight to protect the rights of the practitioners of underage incest. In the climate where these innocent people are forced to have their entire lives defined as criminal by a pending effort of the quasi-totalitarian ruling party to make a constitutional amendment banning the practice of underage matrimony, hillbillies everywhere are fighting to keep the act of robbing the cradle from having to go underground. Tune in and pledge when this show airs, check your local listings for time, and give ‘til it hurts.

    americans_idle  

AMERICANS IDLE

It’s the nuttiest game show this side of “Celebrity Meltdown Turkey Shoot” and the most riveting reality show since “Baby Bong Load Plus Eight,” American’s Idle documents the lives of various couch potatoes as they spend nearly one third of their lives (based on current averages) vegging out and watching other people’s lives as theirs is squandered in the pursuit of emptiness. Plus you watching at home can vote for your favorite.

   

brain_dead

  NIGHT OF THE LIVING BRAIN DEAD

“Night Of The Living Brain Dead” tells the story of a mild mannered crypto-fascist and his ex-boyfriend slaughtering lithium addicted wife named George W. and Laura who through fault of their own become the most powerful puppets in The Land Of Misfit Toys. They go searching for fresh brains, but can’t find any…especially in their own heads.

    cialis_in_wonderland   CIALIS IN WONDERLAND

This wondrous fairy tale features a mind expanding world of imagination and quirky characters…in the boudoir. Its Cialis In Wonderland. Immerse yourself in the fun and frolicking children’s book that dares to tell all about a fantasy run amok when the Mad Hatter pops a priapism….and oh what a priapism. 8 hours later after an orgy described in exhausting detail, the Red Queen goes off half cocked and then its off with everyone’s heads.

old_man_and_the_seacrest   THE OLD MAN AND THE SEACREST

The Old Man And The Seacrest is a classic novel by Hernest Femingway about a man in a boat who is fighting off something fishy. Just as everything was getting ponderous, Ryan Seacrest shows up and its party time. A yawn for the ages…I mean “yarn” for the ages.