Musicians Descriptions

Flabby Hoffman (Multi-Purpose Renaissance Geek) - He's the guy that puts the "low" in "lowest common denominator." The first person ever to be voted more despicable than an insurance salesman.  Over his lifetime, no less than four of his best friends and three of his former AA sponsors have tried to give him a viking funeral while he was taking a nap.  And unlike the famous song where the singer is too sexy for his shirt, the only thing that Flabby is too sexy for is his adult protective undergarment.  The last time he tried to punch his girlfriend's fudge, it punched back.  The only dating he's been doing lately is carbon dating.  Creator of the tradition of Obvious Day and part time leader of The Sea Monkey Conservation Society, and currently is leading the charge to make baby seals illegal so that no one even has an opportunity to club them to death.  Sure he's the fattest surviving founding member of Menudo, sure he's one of the few remaining closeted heterosexuals, but at least he's….uh, well as soon as we come up with a redeeming quality, we'll update the bio. Next year they're opening a 9 hole executive golf course on a portion of his torso as well as a farm raised salmon hatchery.


Baron Rugmunchausen (drums) - At night this firebrand roams the street as a socialist anarchist Bolshevik agitator and Agent Provocateur, but by day he is a mild mannered reporter for a local porn magazine's real life steamy letters column.  He also has the ability to powerfully vomit on command due to a super refined, hyper sensitive gag reflex.  His projectiles can be forced and focused enough to hit a rapidly moving target at fifty paces.  This particular talent has made him one of the world's best hockey players as he can use his puke to shoot and deflect pucks with laser sharp pin point accuracy.  You would do well to stay on his good side or he might deem you duplicitous and organize a reactionary political uprising against your status quo and lead a series of protest marches against all of your interests and then tie you down and puke on you till you go into a diabetic coma.


Tip Top Motel (bassist) - He got his start playing bass guitar when he was mistakenly kidnapped by gypsies as a fetus.  While finishing the rest of his gestation in a terrarium, the gypsies would frequently entertain the little sprout with the calming and dulcet tones of solo bass guitar.  The complicated and syncopated rhythms and unique eastern European melodies of the nomadic wanderers laid a foundation in musical stylings as well as a bohemian attitude.  So by the time he was an 5 month old fetus not only was he was already sitting in on bass with a Charles Mingus tribute jazz trio, but he also earned the Guinness Book World Record for the only person to get a hand job from a groupie backstage at a nightclub while technically in an embryonic stage.  He also commands an army of albino lizards from the planet Zortex and they will eat you for lunch if you don't watch yourself.


Sid Yiddish (visionary) - Years ago, Sid was a truck driver from Alabama by the name of Skidmore Balzonia.  About 12 years ago he got in a huge accident as he ratcheted his rig out of the way of a family of wayward Ethiopian Jews crossing 1-65 outside of Nashville.  The crash was horrific and Skidmore suffered massive head trauma.  And while the body of Skidmore Balzonia survived, the impact and gravity of the incident had caused his mind to convert to Judiasm.  Henceforth, the heroic trucker would be known as Sid Yiddish, crusading and fearless Hebraic artist and sentient seer of truth and nuance.  Today, as the resident poet laureate of the Flabby Hoffman Trio, he is known for pearl necklaces of wisdom that he puts forth during such fan favorite segments as the pop culture haikus and throat singing such favorites as Silent Night and Many Rivers To Cross.  Also his meditative energy is a profound channeling resource for the Trio's performance as well.


Harpo Marxist (z-tarist) - Rumors circulate faster about legendary eccentric and occasional Z-tar player of the Flabby Hoffman Trio than blood pumping through Dick Cheney's constricted, stent enabled arteries.  Questions like: what plastic doll is he currently ravaging, what planet is he from, does he drink his boilermakers with the shot glass dunked inside the beer, in a perfect vacuum which drops faster a chunk of Flabby's spare tire fat or a feather, is room temperature fusion feasible, how many condoms does he wear while whacking off, and why does he insist on riding a team of white stallions to make his entrance onto the stage at every show.   How big of an influence is H.M. on leftist subculture and haute couture, its hard to say.  Perhaps the answer is in the mere fact that there is no one way ticket to answerville when it comes to the incendiary Z-tarist.  But has anyone noticed how close the word "Z-tarist" resembles the word "Czarist?"  Could it be that this master of the revolutionary social upheaval is a fifth column operative seeking to reestablish the monarchy in mother Russia?  We hold these lies to be self evident…after all the United States never really official considered all people created equal.


Terry Lilac (saxist) - He is a founding member of the famous animatronic band, The Bulbous Norriegas, at the now defunct Showfizz Pizza chain.  He is also the only local Chicago sax player to not only have gone full EGOT (winning Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony awards), but he has also added several other less universal, but nonetheless stellar achievement awards such as the Uniformity Of Granulation Award for his recipe for oatmeal, Best Turn Around Time Award for his rapid response to a request to change an email address on his mailing list, a Nobel Peace Prize for Advanced Urinalysis, an Illinois State Fair Blue Ribbon for coming in first in a Pie Eating Contest and the Employee Of The Month Award at Long John Silvers.  Claims that he himself is a cybernetic robot from the planet Neptoid Prime who has come here to harvest our ear wax and nose hair have been denied by a series of articles in the New England Journal Of Medicine and Boy's Life Magazine.  Suffice it to say that If there's a party in your mouth, you'd do well to invite him.


Seagrams 7 (vibes) - Not only is Seagrams 7 one of the greatest improvisers and vibest of vibes players in the free world, he is also one of the greatest exponents of applying various elements from a wide array of cultural and religious practices all into one lifestyle which he calls "Tele Shriner Yoga-Toga Uber oly-ology" or C.A.N.C.K.L.E. for short.  Few people realize that his name is not only signifying booze, but also denotes his having attained the 7th level of consciousness in the Concentric Rings of The Circle Of Seagrams (a very sacred holy order of extreme partiers and iconic myth busters).  His own Order Of The C.A.N.C.K.L.E. combines a search for the kundalini, with kegel exercises, a strict interpretation of the Bhagavad Gita, watching a specially constructed dvd made up of nothing but local car dealer commercials, calling forth a giant salmon named Gondor from the ancient Great Stream Of The Cahokia Mounds, sucker punching dehumanized industrialists, partying on the moon, digging in the dirt finding the places we got hurt, Meiji Period/Era style Kabuki Theater and creating the ultimate spork.  Groove off it like your life depended on it.


Lizard (guitarist) - Outside of possibly Keith Richards, there has never, ever been a person in this plane of the Universe more ideally suited to be the living embodiment of a rock and roll guitarist.  He rules…everyone else drools.  All the rest of the guitar players you will ever see are going to pale in comparison.  The blast off is inevitable as his chops, timing and incredibly voracious command of the language of rock has more power than the comet that smashed into Earth and killed off all the dinosaurs.  He brings an omnipotent jamming attitude and organic honesty that is totally lived in and permanent that makes it almost a predestined inevitability that your tiny little world will be as transformed after seeing and hearing him in action that our world was when the asteroid blew away T-Rex.  But you don't have to take my word for it…why not read these unsolicited celebrity endorsements.  "Lizard is rockin beyond where the human condition has heretofore been able to rock." Phallus Cooper, "Lizard is balls out for breakfast" Spuds McKenzie Party Animal, "Its like getting a hard core orgy of the senses led by an electrified voodoo chieftain." F. Scat Fitzgerald.  So you see it is a fait accompli that he would rock thee.


The Magpie (keys)  - Listening down to The Magpie is like getting an embarrassment of wealth including 12 rim jobs, 11 Cleveland Steamers, 10 Dirty Sanchez, 9 Hot Karls, 8 Sticky Whores, 7 Sloppy Seconds, 6 Golden Showers, 5 Dingos sideways in some chick's ass, 4 Nipple Rings, 3 Half and Halfs, 2 Circle Jerks and a Hot Water Hummer In Bed.  Gosh its rather like the 12 Days of Christmas on Crack, Acid and Ecstasy.  Imagine yourself as God sitting in the nothingness before creation thinking about what to do to make things more interesting and you suddenly came up with the idea of creating everything.  But at the same time you're omniscient and so you know everything that is now and ever is going to be, so all of the sudden you think, wow, I could really go for a refreshing italian ice.  But the only flavor they've got is bong water.  And so you get pissed off and decide to make everything on Earth harsh and uninviting, but then you think, probably not a good way to win friends and influence enemies so you figure that if you create Magpie to jam on the keyboard and add a multi-timbre palette to the Flabby Hoffman trio that it would be a fairly decent trade off for starving thousands of children every day, creating AIDS, giving all the economic power on Earth to misanthropic psychos and all the other horrors that come par for the course around these parts.


Sven Bjorgstrasse (video installation artist) - Hailing from one of the darkest and most sensual areas of the Scandanavian Peninsula, namely Sweden, Sven is an artist's artist seeking only to perfect the craft of expressing himself at the highest most evocative level possible at all times.  Carrying on the great tradition in the discipline of video, Sven has become a living embodiment of the quest for an undeniable video excellence in art form.  He earned his stripes as most Swedish videologists do, in the porn industry.  He served in a variety of capacities in the field (except of course "fluffer") on such movies as "Wankenstein," "The Joy Suck Club," "Silence Of The Clams," "Gilligan's Bi-land," "Creature With The Black Harpoon," "Scrotal Recall," "Spray It Forward," "The Codfather," "Diddle Her On The Roof," "A Star Is Shorn," "Ate Men Out," "Beverly Hills Copulator," "Citizen Kanal," "Meat The Parents" and of course the Academy Award winning skin flick musical "My Bare Lady."  Now he's taken all the skills he learned in the rough and tumble world of smut and translated it into the art of the video installation which he proudly unfurls in wild, weird and picturesque archive of videos as part of the Flabby live experience.  Because one things for sure, if you've ever gotten a close look at the members of the trio, you know that you'll need to have something else to stare at besides their faces lest you get a bout of nausea that would make a hard core case of Montezuma's Revenge seem like mild indigestion.  You're bound to be warm for his form in more ways than three from the word go.


Aston Martin (vocalist) - Another space traveler and old soul on a pit stop here on planet Earth waiting for his instructions from beyond the space time vortex to continue on his journey throughout the various planes of awareness.  The sleeper inside you awaits the quickening that his kind will bring to us all from a place that is both inside us and beyond the known capacity of our cognizance.  Plus he's also a notary public, so he's got that going for himself as well.  He also comes complete with a full array of spy gadgets which he uses to neutralize the advantage any enemy might seek on him.  His state of the art field kit includes: death ray laser watch, mini-mobile crime lab, exploding toe, squirt gun that shoots 2 month old fetid wolverine urine, explosive tipped toilet brush, poison cheese, a fountain pen that turns into a fountain, the first season of the TV series Gray's Anatomy on laser disc, a cufflink that turns into an Iroquois class battle destroyer, a Hawaiian tiki amulet that causes 60's and 70's stereotypical nuclear families to hit skids of bad luck and throw a series of kanipshin fits and a robot shaped like a giant anthropomorphic duck that breathes fire and drops wads of chewing gum on sidewalks which people get on their shoes which grosses them out and pisses them off but good.  When it comes to vocals, his dynamic talents and explosive charisma is unrivaled by anyone anywhere.


Gladys Pimperella (vocals) - The only female currently in the burgeoning, bourgeoisie sausage fest known as the Flabby Hoffman Trio (unless you count Harpo Marxist who's sexual affiliation is still a matter of contention).  Sultry voiced, passionate and profoundly expressive traits all come effortlessly to this emotive font of profound nuance and power.  She has come a long way from her humble beginnings.  Gladys is the latest in a long line of fortune telling interior designers.  Her bloodline has long had a knack for predicting the future with uncanny accuracy as well as an incredible sense of color, fabric, utilization of space and the integration of form, ergonomics and style so critical in the interior design arts.  So while she feng shui's your bathroom and spruces up things in the boudoir, she can also let you know whether that flirtatious wink from the pool boy will lead to getting your storm drains cleared or whether that piece of farm land you've been ruminating over is worth investing in or is really a low grade radioactive waste dump on the edge of a hog farm or even where and when your sister is going to die.  Plus she's also one of the only female pimps in the major metropolitan area, specializing in role playing hookers.  She's got a Little Bo Peep that will knock your socks off and if you really want a party to remember, why not try out her Bride Of Frankenstein package.  Just don't mess with her or she'll send her enforcers out after you who are escaped army experimental mental patients with a long history of cannibalism and psychotic behavior to beat your ass raw and give you rabies.


Kleptomaniac (rapper/vocals) - There are approximately 200,000 words in the english language; 180,000 words in the new testament; 50,000 words in the average Harlequin romance novel; but none of them measure up to the rapid fire lyrical word explosion that awaits you with MC Klepto.  He has been known to throw, on average, somewhere between 750,000 and 752,000 words per rap.  And not a single one of them is a repeat.  How does he do it?  Why its something that none of you peasants would know about…and that's a little something called "style." Other emcees crumble like a urinal cake under the amber hued stream of the most slovenly beer swilling elephantine slob (aka Flabby Hoffman).  He disses dis, he disses dat, his disses never misses.  So best to keep on his good side or he'll verbally rip you a new one and serve up a beat down that'll take you to frown town.  He spits fire, so make sure that you keep a bucket of water nearby.  The Society For Rappers, Hip Hoppers and Modern Day Beatniks, which is the adjudicating and certification board for all things rap and hip hop, has ranked Kleptomaniac amongst the best all time rappers.  In fact the list of the top five includes: 1. Kleptomaniac 2. Kleptomaniac 3. Kleptomaniac 4. The Last Poets and 5. Kleptomaniac


Xenophon The Younger (guitarist) - Life has got so many facets that we gloss over every day and if you quiet your mind you can hear it talk to you sometimes and show you things and send you messages.  It’s difficult to sense them, and darn near impossible to figure out, but they are definitely there.  If you listen closely, while Xenophon plays his guitar the messages and symbols will come to you in full force.  He is a cosmic spaceman hovering over you, speaking to you on a plane that has no words or gestures. He drinks you with a straw, like a gin and tonic.  He'll also put some hair on your chest…especially you ladies.  I mean that literally.  He'll put a prosthetic chest hair wig on the gals because that's how the rest of the guys in the band like it.  That's how Xenophon rolls.  He's the ultimate wing man.  Its always good to have a sentient otherworldly guitar player on your running crew.  Why not too long ago the Flabby Trio got into a scrum with the members of the bands Velvet Revolver and The Ohio Players hanging out at the Rainbow Room on the Sunset Strip.  Harpo and Klepto were on a Harvey Wallbanger binge and bashed in Slash's jaw with a giant bottle of Galliano after he started taunting them about how the FH Trio weren't fit to kiss his sack.  Before you know it, a full scale donnybrook had broken out and there were more chairs flying through the air than on a very special episode of Geraldo.  And then Xenophon climbed on top of a table and stood in the corner and simply waved his hand.  The fight immediately stopped, the room became tranquil and then ten minutes later all three bands were sharing a taxi and on their way to Sunset Sound to pull an all night session re-recording the Band Aid song "Do They Know It's Christmas" to raise money to build polyurethane igloos for Eskimos who have been displaced by global warming

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Pat Black (blues harp) - Flabby discovered the legendary Pat Black at a pharmacy soda fountain on the corner of Hollywood and Vine at the same snack counter that Earnest Hemmingway used to get his chocolate phosphates and where Hollywood golden age mogul Louie B. Mayor discovered Angie Dickenson back in 1949.  The two hit it off immediately, what they hit off and what they hit it off of however is something of an urban legend.  Regardless, the two hit it off immediately and the duo started booking acoustic gigs immediately under the name "Flabby And The Temple of Doom."  But shortly afterwards, Flabby would succumb to a series of diseases such as sudden infant death syndrome, ebola, phlebitis, mange, dropsy and the blue flu.  They were soon to reform and throw down once again this time booked as "Flabby and the New Duncan Imperials."  They won three Granny (awards given out by the Association of Grandmas and Spinsters) awards for their debut cassette release entitled "Flabby Soup."  Their second cassette release was more of a letdown however.  Entitled simply "Harsh" it is a rock opera that takes place over a series of two and a half songs that last on average less than 25 seconds each.  The entire lyric sheet of the album reads: "Where the f*ck are my keys?"  While considered the biggest critical failure in the history of recorded music, it did sell like a hotcake (not a typo…it actually sold like one hotcake).  Their third effort entitled "Self Destructive Unlistenable Pile Of Crap" was so bad that they were convicted for assault with a deadly weapon.  Of course after they finished their stint in the joint, Flabby formed the current Trio and the rest is history.
Green E. - Many of the Flabby Trio members (who shall go nameless) have performed as celebrity personalities before.  One of them is a part time Olympia Dukakis impersonator, another is a Dakota Fanning impersonator and even a third appears at Shriner's conventions disguised as Loni Anderson.  But Green E. is perhaps the best of them all.  The Environmental Elvis is not only an impersonator, but a crusader as well.  Because no matter where you come down on the argument about whether global warming exists or whether you’re a moron brainwashed by years of disinformation and an innate infantile stupidity, the fact is that land fills are overflowing, floating garbage piles are clogging waterways, methane from dairy and beef cows is choking the atmosphere, glaciers are melting, the polar ice caps and the rainforests are shrinking at unheard of rates and even the supposed left wingers are drilling baby drilling and strip mining mountain ranges and the ocean bottom at a rate which is bound to leave us on a dried out husk of a planet which cannot sustain life in any form whatsoever.  Which in all honesty isn't all bad, because in theory if all the humans on Earth were dead that would definitely stop traffic jams, stupid commercialized culture and finally end the war on terror.  One man/king has drawn a line in the oil drenched sand and refuses to roll over and play dead…and that man is Green E.  Help him raise awareness of and ultimately defeat the hunka hunka Burnin Sludge.


Orange Julius (drums) - A former research scientist and Heisman Trophy winner, Orange has always been on the short list for great achievements in any of the endeavors he's ever tried.  In 1980, he was the first human being to beat a horse in a steel cage wrestling death match.  In 1492 he sailed the ocean blue.  In 1990, he was the first astronaut to moonwalk in space and in 1972, he was the first person to count the number of licks that it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.  His stellar career and overachieving ways were to come to a grinding halt however when a laboratory experiment designed to find a cure for the spooky anxiety condition commonly referred to as "the willies" went horribly wrong and wound up creating and unleashing a sequel to herpes simplex entitled "herpes duplex."  The scientific community as well as the porno industry wound up shunning Julius and shaving off his man pelt.  Also, as it turns out, during the fateful experiment he was stung by a radioactive sting ray and gained the mysterious animal's ability to bottom feed on the ocean floor and wield his spiny barb at predators.  It was around this time that he took up playing drums and soon thereafter became an integral part of the most famous Flabby Hoffman tribute band called "Blood Fart."  This would of course bring him to the attention of Flabby himself and later he was invited to join the trio and play local bar gigs and such.


Dr. Groovulus (drums) - Spent a lot of time hanging out with super heroes and had been scheduled to officially be enlisted as one of the Super Friends prior to the sudden and surprising cancellation of the series back in '78.  Dr. Groovulus started out an evil and heartless lawyer, sold out and suckling on the horrifying plague riddled corporate teat like a brood of newborn rabid sewer rats on their multi-nipped rat mommy.  But the Dr. was to have an epiphany.  He had been serving with a battalion of lawyers on the famous Supreme Court case The Wealthy Vs. Everybody and was instrumental in getting the court to default to a 5-4 decision (and by decision I mean following the orders of their aristocratic benefactors) to defend the right of corporations to kill anyone they want to, install any people they want to at any time to high government office and basically ruin the lives of common people until they suck everybody's soul dry as a Canadian desert (what's that? No Canadian deserts you say?  Stay tuned).  Within weeks, decreased oversight allowed for a school bus company to pull the brakes out of all their vehicles without any liability and caused thousands upon thousands of innocent children, many of whom happened to be retards, to plunge off cliffs to their deaths.  Many of the busses fell into rivers or treacherous ravines where the deaths of the kids would have taken a measurable amount of time as they slowly drowned or were buried alive in avalanches.  After these tragedies, Dr. Groovulus could take no more and turned from the dark side, bought a ticket on a privately run outer space junket where he was belted by cosmic particles and became the super charged groove explosion that we know him to be now, using his superior drumming prowess with the Flabby Trio to reinforce what's good in the world.


Jerry Rubinesque - Flabby and Jerry go way back.  Back to when music meant change and a way out of the plastic mind controlling rat race.  But the point people for the revolution we're killed off, and the murderers slid into power to replace them.  And the rat race just got darker and more demented as the global aristocracy saw what a threat an empowered multi-cultural and free society would bring to them.  Because ultimately, when the oligarchs have finished consolidating companies and shipping all the middle class jobs to impoverished areas, and circling the wagons behind the impenetrable wall of the new omnipotent police state and taking that one open minded society and cloistering it behind a wall of fear, ignorance and hatred the world would be ripe for the plucking and the ultimate dystopian global totalitarian state.  This "Fourth Reich" will usher in an empire of darkness throughout the world for 1000 years.  Plus, they'll also destroy all chocolate!  It's all outlined in Jerry's new book: "How I Learned To Stop Hating Analingus" now available in your local grocer's freezer case.


Joe Glachenmachen - Old Glacky got his start as a former member of an poorly conceived all male version of the New York City Rockettes.  The ill fated dance troupe made what in hindsight could be viewed as the worst tactical decision in history by booking their opening tour exclusively in maximum security prisons and aboard wayfaring sea vessels of the Merchant Marines.  They were mercilessly pelted with rocks and garbage at every venue.  A year later he was featured in yet another foolhardy venture, an all male version of the Golden Girls in the role of Gertrude, a former Tahitian lady boy freak with testicles in his earlobes.  The tour manager for this stage show was also a psychotic putz and booked the act in nothing but hard core deep south bible studies and Pentecostal revival meetings.  Each night was another adventure in trying to avoid getting "defrocked" as it were.  It seemed that his luck would change when he was asked to become the host of a new reality TV game show modeled after the dark comedic 80's movie Throw Mama From The Train, but unfortunately it was cancelled during the first episode after three of the players had successfully committed matricide on camera.  So where do people go when everything in their creative lives has taken a prodigious dump on their heads?  Why to the Flabby Hoffman Trio of course…where all the marginally talented failures can find a home.


Pierre Le Deluge (bass) - Nicknames: Pee Pee Dookie, Sponge Boob and Gunk Magnet.  Hobbies: Stamp collecting, part time Tooth Fairy, Bass Guitar. Turn Ons: Goose liver pate mixed with fresh fetal embryo cells, bermuda shorts, Bass Guitar. Turn Offs: Rude people, minotaurs, muppets.  A lot of people refer to Deluge as a human blooper reel, but the truth is, he's more like a living and breathing version of Dopey from the 7 Dwarves.  His affliction first manifested early in life when young Deluge was known to frequently play in the middle of the street and was hit numerous times by passing cars directly in the brain.  As a teen he was a jittery and self conscious geek who wound up asking a large mountain goat to be his date for the senior prom.  The only school he could get accepted to after high school was clown college, and even that he flunked out of during the enrollment period for his first semester of classes.  He got a job as a professional loofah technologist with a specialty in defoliating stretch marks.  It was this job that inadvertently gave Deluge his first brush with fame as he was hired to work on attempting to smooth out the stretch marks of none other than Jerrod The Subway Guy, a task that was rumored to have brought Pierre to the brink of a nervous breakdown from exhaustion.  It was his reputation however for doing such fine work in the field that first brought him to the attention of Flabby, but once he heard him play bass Flabby convinced him to give up the sponge baths for good and become arguably, the most charismatic bassist of all time.


Eddie The Chest (bass) - Nicknames: Eddie The K, The Desert Fox, Sperminator X. Hobbies: Collecting Mork and Mindy memorabilia, shooting womp rats on Tatooine in his T-16, getting down just for the funk of it. Turn ons: people who use hackneyed quips, toe tapping broadway musical showstoppers, easter bunnies.  Turn offs: people who insist on labeling everything, chunky style things (i.e. peanut butter, soup), tongue kissing.  Eddie The Chest is a prolific talent who was able to raise himself up from humble beginnings to become one of the Flabby Hoffman Trio's most respected bassists.  So modest were The Chest's roots that he was known to have worked his way through kindergarten.  According to source documents obtained under FOIA, Eddie sold his body to science three times before his 10th birthday to raise enough bucks to buy the family some burnt toast.  Occasionally, there was enough money to afford to pay someone who had recently eaten polish sausages to belch in his family's faces just to sniff the meat residue inside the belch breeze.  Later once he turned 7, he was able to land a job at a local strip club bikini waxing the local talent and scrubbing their undercarriages for 10 bucks a throw.  Eventually all the hard work paid off as The Chest was able to become the youngest pimp in history, macking out his women while still in grade school.  Legend has it that he was subject to an epiphany and was awoken one night by a shimmering light.  He had a vision, to pick up the bass guitar and use it to transmogrify pea brained robotic morons to a more engaging life.  He gave up the bitches, bought a rig and joined up with the Flabby Hoffman Trio…blazing his righteous licks to illuminate the mouth breathers.


Sloop Biederman (kazoo) - While he's never actually played the kazoo with the FH Trio, he is renown the world over as the instrument's chief exponent.  Some say that he found his legendary kazoo at the entrance of an indian burial ground, others think he found it whilst excavating ancient ruins near Khirbet Qumran lying with the Dead Sea Scrolls.  Whatever the origins of this mythic blaster, the vibe of the thing cannot be contained or quashed.  It is unquashable.  The overall quashability of the thing is off the frickin charts.  We're talking quash-tastic here.  What so you don't believe me?  How'd you like to believe my foot up your ass.  In fact, why don't you take your unbelieving cynical butt over to someone that gives a crap.  Both you and the horse you rode in on can bite my entire beef portion.


Quarter Paisan - He was chosen early in life by one of the Valkeries to be one of the great warriors to live in Valhalla with Odin as is customary for the most courageous in the Norse mythological tradition.  His benefactor early in life was Jormungandr the Sea Serpent, and he learned well his lessons and the discipline of pillaging small waterfront towns and violating the townsfolk.  It has been foreseen that Quarter Paisan will be one of the survivors of Ragnarok and be amongst those who repopulate the Earth.  In fact one of the Bryggen Inscriptions reads: "May Thor receive you, may Odin own you and may Quarter Paisan mercilessly ravage your girlfriends."  Of course nowadays, the modern Viking warrior doesn't have a lot of options when it comes to the nomadic seafaring life, and random acts of ransacking (as opposed to man-sacking) are by and large frowned upon by the community at large.  No the modern way to loot and maraud a village is to become an investment banker and bone the average Joe until they don't know what hit them with the aid of a veil of fraud and corruption supported by the government and justified in the minds of the "sheep" by using faux social outrage inflamed by a bunch of exploitative neo-con quasi Nazis looking to edge the country more towards the right by any means necessary and protect what few shards remain of the long since impotent "elite" white majority.  All of them are being used by an entity to destroy our lives and our souls in the name of creating more power for those very few at the very top.  Ruthless bastards, ultimately corrupted by ultimate power.  Killers of light and love while embracing lifelessness and fear.  Quarter Paisan has the power to change all that.  With his magic bass guitar he can wield lightning, thunder and give free refills on soft drinks all in the name of righteousness.
Pantomime Zebra - A jerk of all trades, Pantomime Zebra has been at one time or another:  a private dick, a trapeze pivot/anchor for The Flying Wallendas, a sheep shearing shepherd Sherpa, a wet nurse for siamese twins, a mechanical bull designer, a voodoo doll, a career bachelor, a stunt double for Rosie O'Donnell on The Flintstones movie, a pre-chihuahua "yo quiero Taco Bell" mascot, a brewmaster for a microbrewery called Fizzmunger's Stale Ale, a crash test dummy for N.A.S.A., a not-so-hot plate, an Indian burial ground, a Riverdance choreographer, a speech writer for Stephen Hawking and a spokesperson for The Society Of Ass To Mouth Celebrity Call Girls and Cum Dumpsters (also known as the S.A.T.M.C.C.G.C.D).  He is responsible for such incredible achievements as: creation of a pitch to NCAA for second college hoops tournament in May called May Mayhem (in addition to March Madness), built the world's first robotic nuclear powered army of super worms, invented a cocktail using nothing but the fluid squeezed out of used hypodermic needles and bathtub gin, won the Oregon State Fair prize pig competition eight years in a row, became the first living creature to reliably predict the past with a greater than 45% accuracy rate, plus he also he rewrote the Constitution to replace that list of all of those stupid rights that no one uses anymore with a simple one sentence statement "God loves handguns!"