FLABBY HOFFMAN’S DISCONTINUED
ALBUM CUT OUT BIN
Flabby Hoffman and the Flabby Hoffman Trio have sold something along the lines of a dozen albums in the U.S.A. and U.S. Virgin Islands over the last 8 years and hence aren’t really worth a whole heck of a lot. They are however, really big in Luxembourg, Sri Lanka and various uninhabited pockets of Manchuria. To meet skyrocketing demands for sexy product good times, the band has compiled a series of albums for release only outside the U.S. which are assembled primarily by reshuffling the running order of the tracks of their American releases and adding toy clown horns and dog whistles to each of the tracks.
So even though none of you, the serious throngs of hot little beavers and beaverettes who are nervously clamoring for new Flabby material, are ever going to be able to hear or purchase any of the following albums ever, we still thought you might enjoy being teased by the cover art, album track listings and album reviews of a few of the 37 albums and box sets that form the Flabby foreign catalogue. The Flabby Trio is available to play live versions of any of the following albums for those desperate to pony up the bucks. They are also available for weddings and bar mitzvahs.
Written and recorded after the Flabby Trio had first been introduced to the hedonistic practice of sniffing model airplane glue out of a brown paper sack, Blubber Soul is often looked upon as a turning point in the band’s career when they went from the raw histrionic zeal of the wild days of Flabbymania and turned gradually more towards working their way into a mastery of using the paper bag for a wide variety of practical tasks. Along with the enhanced vivid mental awareness caused by the huffing of various household cleansing products, Blubber Soul was the first album which saw the growing influence of their producer in their work. Called in various circles a musical guru, and by some a Svengali, there is no denying that their producer, who happened to be named Guru Svengali, began with this album to be something more of a creative sage who would henceforth be referred to as the fifth Flabby Hoffman Trio member.
31 FLAVORS REVISITED
The first release from Flabby Hoffman after their infamous backstabbing of their rock music groupies at their so called “non-electric” show at the world famous club The Whiskey-A-Stop-Stop, which was the first time they ever played publically with acoustic instruments. While die hard fans booed and jeered the band throughout their 18.5 hour long set, their follow up album release 31 Flavors Revisited, which predominantly featured material from that controversial set, was their first long player to sell more than two copies. With such tracks as Positively 4th Sweet, Blonde on Flan, Memphis Booze Again, Lay Lady Layer Cake and A Chard Rain’s (gonna fall) its no wonder it was received as well as it was. This legendary album was recorded in less than 20 minutes and still remains today held in high disregard as a timeless classic of unrivaled obscurity. Taste the bold and zesty epicurean delight that is 31 Flavors Revisited.
GET YOUR HO HO’S OUT
Made during the turbulent times of the autumn of 2005, this was the first album for the FH Trio that was partially recorded live. Made in front of a healthy throng of dispassionate and occasionally openly heckling crowd of orthodontists while playing at the 2005 National Orthodontia Trade Show at the Naperville Holiday Inn Party Room C, the band was clearly out of their comfort zone and the tension was palpable. A few dental hygienists earlier in the evening had actually beaten up members of the opening band, Jefferson Star’s Hip, with pool cues and canvas sacks full of prickly pears. The intention for the FH Trio was to record the basic tracks live and, like most bands, sweeten the project by redoing most of the vocals and instruments in the studio after the fact. In the case of Get Your Ho Ho’s Out however, the entire product had to be recreated after the fact as someone at the gig had neglected to string the guitars. The internet is literally teaming with various examples of what are called “board feed” clips from the show, which are not doctored with the battery of filters, pitch benders and overdubs that the final product benefited from and the “clean” version leaves the distinct impression that the real Flabby Hoffman Trio is no more talented than a group of circus seals honking out Merrily We Roll Along on novelty horns. Fortunately most people consider that a step above talent wise than most mainstream hacks like Taylor Swift and Britney Spears and gave them a pass.
Clearly showing the post traumatic impact of having been shell shocked and at the center of the eye of the storm both politically and sexually, and feeling victimized like the pivot girl at the center of some frat house circle jerk, the Flabby Trio reshaped their approach and took a less confrontational and more self indulgent, hedonistic path. Chunky Dory, their first foray into this new reinvention of themselves, came as a shock to the public at large and was received at the time of its release with cat calls, hate mail and several celebrity roasts. Nowadays, many years later through the prism of hindsight, critics and human beings alike have a revisionist view of the work, looking upon it as only mildly nauseating. Around this time the band was openly flirting with the idea of pretending to come out as “bi-curious” which didn’t offend anyone in terms of the sexual orientation, but the mere thought of having sex with any member of the Flabby Hoffman Trio was so repellent to most people that it netted out to be really bad PR at the time . Additionally one of the founding members of the Flabby Trio, a bassist named Dr. Nude, was found dead the day before the release of the record having accidentally drowned inside one of Pamela Anderson’s old discarded saline implants. The work though shows a band in rare form, or possibly medium rare, and is viewed as deeply influential by artists as diverse as Sir Mix-A-Little to R. Kelly (who is likely to have stolen his mask idea from Flabby Hoffman himself while they both worked in Chicago).
RING A DING DONG
Not many people know it, but upon their inception the Flabby Trio was actually a 15 piece swing band. They would do vintage classics like It Must Be Jelly Cause Jam Don’t Shake Like That, Salt Peanuts, Shoe Fly Pie and Strange Fruit. It was only after brief flirtations with being an Australian Rules Football team, being a Kabuki Theater troupe, working as lab research technologists at the super collider site in Switzerland and being the official understudies for a regional touring ensemble for the show A Chorus Line, that they finally settled on becoming a rock band. But before they officially did so, they made their way into the studio to do a anthology of all of their early experimental and formative works. That album became Ring A Ding Dong. At this juncture, it has never been proven that anyone has ever listened to any part of this album whatsoever, including any member of the band. Which is probably a good thing because ever copy comes complete with an ultra mega jumbo ebola virus which would spring out and eat the eyes of any one unfortunate enough to tear open the shrink wrap.
Back in their early days, the Flabby Trio had a fearsome energy. A kinetic and bold approach that drove people wild with vigorous responses that were way beyond the frequently apathetic, stoic and blasé reactions they get nowadays. Back then, Flabby was such a dervishly hot performer that he was referred to as “the human swivel.” Alliteratively ironic that he would now be known as “the human drivel.” 9/10ths of the band back in those days made money driving a taxi for a company called Cabbie Hoffman, then they started their own interior decorating company called Drabbie Hoffman. Phone Sex (Gabby Hoffman), mortuary (Slabbie Hoffman), circumcision (Rabbi Hoffman), seafood restaurant (Crabby Hoffman)…and on and on. This album owes a lot stylistically to the sound of nails scratching on a black board, the muffled screams of anguish of the astronauts of an exploding space shuttle as well as the sound of a naked Delta Burke getting up out of a vinyl reclining chair in the middle of a hot summer’s day. Its hotter than salsa!
CAPTAIN FATASTIC AND THE BROWN DIRT CHOWBOY
The overwhelming apathy, lack of pride and community spirit that has come to embody the American culture by this time had long ago replace the urgency of activism and the notion that individuals could do things that could make a difference in the world. Music responded, and the protest songs of yesteryear morphed into a more palatable mainstream pop as a stop gap to what we have today which is nursery rhymes set to the backdrop of a drum machine beat. Vibe, aura, charisma and content were replaced with polish and marketability. The Flabby Trio responded with their most sterile and least prurient interest oriented album ever. In fact it has been an only modestly denied fact that the FH Trio subcontracted out to another band to do this album for them so they could all take care of some errands and go down to the DMV to get their licenses renewed. Those few who have had the displeasure of hearing the album agree that it sounds nothing like the actual band and point out that all of the lead vocals are sung by someone who sounds an awful lot like Nelson Mandela. Still, whether it’s the commercial approach to the arrangements, the infantile use of baby talk for the lyrics, the pre-adolescent intellectual and creative curve that was used to produce this product, or whether it was just simply that the FH Trio had little to do with the making of this album, it remains to this day the hottest selling record they had ever put their name on with more than four copies sold.
IN THROUGH THE GOUT DOOR
Sober for the first time in 24 hours, the FH Trio found themselves with a creative urge once again and made their way into the studio for what would be viewed at the time as their creative renaissance. Flabby had the idea to do a concept album of an album without a concept. Press and fans alike hailed it as a tour de force. In Through The Gout Door was so influential in some parts of the world that it actually provided the spark for the Flabby Trio to get signed to do a self funded movie. The movie was called “Upside Down Penguins Frozen To The Roof Of A Cave Like Some Kinda Penguin-esque Vampire Bats” offered nothing more than a commercial and critical spanking for the band. The theme of the movie was to show a bunch of penguins frozen to the roof of a cave while music from In Through The Gout Door blared at volumes so loud that it blew the speakers at every theater which the movie was shown. The movie’s catch phrase didn’t win over any fans either with its controversial phrase “All hype…no wipe!” The album itself has become dated and most people now have downgraded it to “mildly nauseating” from “nominally nauseating.”