Are you forlorn? Are you tired, poor, hungry and yearning to be free? Do you feel down in the dumps, down in the mouth…or down because someone took a dump in your mouth? Have you given up because you’re tired of being a doormat, fed up with the guilt you feel because you’ve been conditioned to be riddled with jealousy about the depth of the greenery on the other side of the fence, or are you ugly and fat? You are not alone. You have a brain, a heart and courage…all you need is a man behind the curtain to remind you that there is an objective sense of truth and justice behind the spin and propaganda which dominate and pervert our weary hearts. Flabby Hoffman is listening and is here for you. So if you have a problem, or a question; if you’re curious about life, or bi-curious; if you’re on a quest for the truth and you’ve run out of answers…Flabby is your man. So here we present an advice column for the masses. Email or send us your questions, or just read through the troubles of others and the clear-headed homespun advice of Americas favorite radical, the voice of the people, the human embodiment of the angst riddled zeitgeist of the post millennium global collective unconscious: Flabby Hoffman. No problem is too big and lofty or too small and insignificant for this crusader of the common man. And now here’s the jazz!
Dear Flabby: I am tired of all this partisan politics…being a Republican, I have been taught to hate Democrats all my life, but lately I have realized that Democrats are Americans too…maybe I shouldn’t hate them so much. What should I do? Signed, Nurse Mengele Dear Nurse: A common aspect of every right wing totalitarian state in the history of man is that in their rise to power they always must always rely on the creation of a set of “enemies” for which they blame their culture’s problems. By placing a manufactured enemy on a pedestal, the elements of the ruling elite then get to take oppressive measures with impunity in the name of a collective defense to protect the people from this insidious threat which their spin doctors have created. Much like a tabloid newspaper exploits our base level needs for trash, the masses usually get caught up in trivial reasons offered by the state for the hatred of these enemies because nobody want to take the time to make the spiritual and intellectual journey to find the reality behind the spin. Therefore you hate Democrats because you’re empty on the inside, you’ve been manipulated into the blame game by your elite right wing masters. You’re a weak minded tool of the ruling class. You need to break down the elements of your oppression, learn about history and then you need to go down to the bus depot and live like a hobo for a year…turning tricks and begging for loose change, otherwise you’ll be a jerk for the rest of your life. – F.
Dear Flabby: I am a gay Boy Scout Troop leader. I don’t feel like I am turning my pack into queers, but if you listen to the news and the politicians and the Organization of Southern Baptists…you’d think I was the second coming of the antichrist. Should I quit, for the good of the kids? Signed, Scoutmaster Superhonky Dear Super Honky: The answer is yes, you should quit the Scouts and become a Catholic priest. That way you can flit about all you like and even chase pre-teen stick poon and ultimately no one will really give a crap what you do. When you work for the Pope’s insane clown posse, you’re untouchable. – F.
Dear Flabby: I work two jobs and so does my wife…still we can barely make ends meet. We’ve got dozens of health bills that come in for the kids that we can never pay. We got no insurance and the house is always a mess cause we don’t have time to clean. I would like to sell my children for the organs. Can you hook me up with someone…I’ve got a lot of kids! Signed, Basquiat Gluesniffer Dear Basquiat: I get a dozen or so letters exactly like yours every week. People driven by the incessant needs of their economic hardships to sell their children to slave labor camps in Indochina or harvest their organs. My suggestion is to make hay while the sun shines and sash in your chips now, because once the Republicans get a Constitutional ban on abortions, there’s gonna be a glut in the market of unwanted kids. The price of the average black market vital organ will plummet as desperate and ill suited mothers around the country will be willing to sell their children at rock bottom prices. I myself got caught leveraged heavily in fetal embryos when the ban on that research came down…so I know how it feels to have the market bottom out on you. Thank goodness I was able to sell them to the hot dog factory. – F.
Dear Flabby: I am an ex-white supremist. I was a wife beater, I ran illegal dog fights and I sold sensitive nuclear secrets to the Canadians. One time I gang raped myself. If I accept Ronald Reagan as my personal lord and savior, will all my sins be forgiven? Signed, Stool Pidgeon Dear Stool: Don’t be so hard on yourself. Clearly you are the product of a socialization process that our society imposes on us to be mindless consumers and otherwise feckless. You need a sabbatical. Go to your local drugstore and set up a tent in aisle 7…you know that’s the aisle where they put all the holiday specials. Seeing them rotate product through that aisle can be an enlightening experience: after they take out the valentines, they put in the Easter eggs; after they take out the Easter eggs, they put in the fireworks; after they take out the fireworks, they put in the back to school items. Aisle 7 is the modern day equivalent of apple pie…it is the best and the worst that America has to offer all in one. This process will serve as an undeniable confirmation of the emptiness of our culture. Once you have spent some quality time there, you will begin to see what it is all about and you should have a decent catalyst to start your deprogramming. The process is really long and involved and a thousand times more difficult than coming off heroin. When you stop using, all you need to do is not do heroin. In America, you get programming messages every single waking moment of your life, which you must fight against and overcome. Your sins will never be forgiven, there’s no need to apologize either…you just need to end the cycle of destruction that you have been on all your life. – F.
Dear Flabby: Where can I score a good helper monkey? Signed, Prude, Rude and Misconstrued Dear Prude: I could tell you where to get a good helper monkey, and that monkey could do some light housework and fetch things for you for a while…or I could teach you how to fish and you could feed yourself forever. Either way you will still be a tool of the capitalist and a mindless foot soldier in their war against the human soul. You are the type of person that really chafes my goat. What a waste you are…endlessly imposing your passive aggressive displaced anger on everyone you come into contact with. You are the ultimate reason why the new American fascist totalitarianism thrives so splendidly these days, because something inside you broke a long time ago. You actually privately enjoy knowing that people are made to suffer, being exploited and unfairly persecuted because you’re so shriveled up on the inside. It’s because our society has created so many people like you, people that will never amount to anything more than damaged goods, that we have become so dedicated to the principles of hatred and destruction. If you had any guts, you’d move to Africa and join with the park rangers trying to protect the endangered species from poachers. But you wont, because you are a jerk for life. – F.
Dear Flabby: What is “Echelon?” Signed, Sheriff Omar Dear Sheriff: “Echelon” is a code name for a device used to eavesdrop on the American people by the N.S.A. It primarily works on a system of key words and phrases that, once spoken in a phone conversation or used in an email and such, red flag that communication for review by an N.S.A. operative. Every phone call in the United States and now all email are reviewed by this system. Let us pray that this power never falls into the wrong hands, because if they ever set the key words to be “midget porn,” “endangered species cooking recipes” or “how much for your white women” then yours truly will be in serious trouble! -F.
Dear Flabby: Is it wrong to go all the way on the first date? Signed Harried and Helpless Dear H.H.: The answer is yes, it is wrong to go all the way on the first date…in fact you should go “all the way” before the first date. Most experts in modern day interpersonal relationships now agree that it is now proper to offer to go all the way within the first ten minutes of having met someone. So if you have waited all the way until the first date to offer the goodies then you are in danger of becoming a real square and a dried up old maid. Mastering Johnsons, the world’s foremost institute on the ins and outs of modern day sexual relations, insists that in this workaday world a girl should go as far as to offer oral during the actual introduction to any potential suitor. “Hello my name is Harried and Helpless, there’s a party in the back of my throat and you’re invited.”–F.
Dear Flabby: Is homosexuality genetic or is it learned behavior? Signed, Fee Waybill Dear Fee: As it turns out it has recently been proven that most people are born homosexual and that it is heterosexuality which is the learned behavior. The Bethesda Institute For Fornication And Buggery, an east coast consortium involving the country’s largest and most progressive sexually oriented think tank, in their June 2004 journal announced their findings in this arena. They claim that the evidence for this postulation arises from the simple fact that most human’s first sexual experience is self-love. Masturbation, while often inspired by thoughts of members of the opposite sex, pictures or even in some cases explicit videos and DVDs of hardcore girl to midget action (e.g. “You Must Be This Tall To Ride My Coochie”), in actuality involves the manipulation of one’s own organs to climax in a same sex orientation. They in fact claim that masturbation is a homosexual act and that anyone frigging themselves is at least “bi.” –F.
Dear Flabby: What are the socio-economic repercussions of the end of competition in America? Signed, Pig, The Talking Babe Dear Pig: What happens if you spend your whole life in, let’s say, the radio industry. You do real well for yourself for about 20 years until one day the corporation hires the son of one of the board members to be your boss. Well he turns out to be god’s gift to jag offs, incompetent, belligerent, insane and flatulent. Your life becomes a non-stop hell. What if that same jerk decides he doesn’t like the way you look in khaki and starts screwing with you on top of it. With the deplorable state of management in this country today, it’s likely that everyone has been in a similar situation. Well since there is no competition in your industry because the government has rolled over and played baby seal while Clear Channel bought up every radio station in the country, you start to realize you are boned. What are you going to do, start a new career? Secondly, all those bread lines in Russia…they had those because they had no free market economy. The end of competition in America means that to keep profit margins at 24% annual growth, which is what they have been at since the millennium, then something has got to give…quality, customer service and increasingly the working stiff is going to have to add their own sweat equity to keep the mega-corporations from eating away their profits on labor costs. Call it the Ikea Principle. You have to build the furniture so they don’t have to. Even the sweat shops cost some money to run. –F.
Dear Flabby: Why do your eyes close when you sneeze? Signed, Bob Eubanks Hey Bob: Well most people think that your eyelids shut to keep your eyes from flying out of the sockets. Not true. The real purpose is to keep your tiny little brain from flying out of your eye hole you sheep minded pinhead. You are the Pope of Dope! –F.
Dear Flabby: Is marijuana really a gateway drug to the harder stuff, or is that just a myth? Signed, Alice B. Toklas Dear Toklas: Herb is the gateway to one thing and one thing only…passionless sport sex with Boy Scout Troop leaders. The gateway drug to coke and heroin is ironically tuna casserole. A recent study by the New Rectum Journal Of Face Twitches claims that repeated consumption of tuna casserole leads directly to dilaudid addiction. Even worse are the effects of the dreaded green bean casserole who’s crunchy fried onion toppings are said to lead immediately to a permanent methadone habit as well as an irrational and inescapable attraction to Manchurian peasant women. –F.
Dear Flabby: Is it true that the anti-cigarette commercials on TV make people smoke more? Signed, Skankie Avalon Dear Skankie: Yes. The cigarette industry was banned from advertising on television in 1970. The R.J. Reynolds Corp. started diversifying into the food industry right at the same time, culminating in the 1980’s acquisition of Nabisco. Philip Morris acquired Kraft. Back then there was still a certain amount of freedom within the media, it wasn’t like it is now where everything on the air or in print is micro-managed by the four or five men that control all of the media. The cigarette companies could not afford to lose all of the clout they had with media editorial departments and immunity that their advertising budgets bought them, so by buying into food companies they could advertise and goad media companies into staying away from negative press on tobacco under the threat of pulling their food advertising budget away. Now of course, because our government is made up of ankle grabbers who have their brown noses up big tobacco’s collective spice hole, the cancer merchants have run amok. First there is the wanton product placement of cigarettes in TV and movies from TV cartoons that cater to children like King Of The Hill to practically 98% of the movies that get made. And then came the tobacco settlement. This allowed the cigarette companies to actually advertise on TV again. The funny thing is while America thought the whole “Truth” campaign was penance for tobacco…that’s what they wanted us to think. It’s turned out to be a marketing coup. The so-called “Truth” campaign has been a ruse all along, it is really an advertising campaign cleverly disguised. It works on the trigger-response mechanism in the brain. Notice how many times they use the words “cigarettes” or “tobacco” in each promo. They do that because smokers hear the word cigarette and it reminds them that they want one, just like a fatso like me wants some frozen yogurt ever time I see a Dairy Queen commercial.
Dear Flabby: Who farted? Signed, Frank Gifford Hey Giff: He who smelt it, dealt it. –F.
Dear Flabby: I am a spiritually empty, vacuous living embodiment of industrial waste. How can I break the cycle of chronic underachieving? Signed, Pepe Face Dear Pepe: Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are merely one of the teeming millions of useless wastes of life that our plastic corporate dominated culture has been relentlessly churning out since Nixon had Kennedy killed. What do you think…that there are actually people out there that would respect you more if you were wise or deep? Poppycock! Most people hate their lives so much that if they saw you were any better off than they were, they would do what they could to knock you down. So revel in your idiocy. Bask in your robotic complacency. Buy yourself a comfortable lounge chair, sit back and let the commercials drill into your brain until you are nothing more than a vessel for the sublimation of your humanity into a cycle of endless consumerism. You wont be happy then either mind you, but at least you wont know the difference any more and the nagging feeling that there must be a better way will finally disappear. –F.
Dear Flabby: Why does one nut hang lower than the other? Signed, Oprah Winfrey Dear Oprah: Keep stretching them, the upper one will catch up soon enough…BTW good luck with the lipo recovery. –F.