FLABBY’S LO-CAL MUSIC GUIDE

FLABBY HOFFMAN’S CHICAGO LO-CAL MUSIC GUIDE

 

FLABBY'S LO-CAL PICWhat follows below is a series of write-ups of local/unsigned bands and comedians as written by Flabby Hoffman. While it might be true that these blurbs contain frequent minor league violations of most of the pornography laws of the 48 contiguous United States, it is not true that Flabby only writes these things with a Twinkie stuck up his ass (he prefers the wider girth and smooth chocolate coating of a Ding Dong). Each paragraph represents a separate appearance that the artist has made over the years on various Flabby shows each of which got a separate short (paragraph long) write up. Some of the links I have included (where available) are so old and stale they might lead you to the home sites for Al Qaeda sleeper cells, and some of these bands might no longer exist, but what can I tell you. It was fun while it lasted.

 

If you would like an original Flabby write up/review for your act whatever it may be I would be happy to oblige as time permits. Send along an email, weblink (preferably to a site where I can check out your artistic endeavors to: flabbyhoffman (at) yahoo.com.

 

VITAL USER TIP: If you are looking for your review and don’t have time to scroll through all of this here’s what you do: 1. copy and paste entire list below into a blank Word document (don’t be alarmed but this file translates to about 200 pages worth of Word Doc) 2. put the cursor at the top of the document 3. press the ctrl key and the letter “F” at the same time 4. in the middle of the box that appears there should be a slot to type in the name you are looking for 4. click the button at the bottom right of the box that says “Find Next” and that should take you to your review. If not, keep pressing the “Find Next” key until it does. Also there is a possibility that your name appears more than once…so even after you see your reviews, keep clicking on that “Find Next” button until it says “Finished Checking Document” as you might find more goodies.

 

Musicians

 

Flabby Hoffman Trio

http://www.flabbyhoffman.com

Not since Mr. Miagi in the movie Karate Kid had Daniel-San wax on and wax off has there been a more perverted event in entertainment than Flabby Hoffman. Sure he’s the only entertainer large enough to be used as his own tour bus, sure Goodyear has asked to fill him with helium and float him over a sporting event as their new blimp and he’s gotten stuck twice in a subway tunnel, but his trio will still kick your ass and make you like it.

 

Overman

http://www.myspace.com/overmaniscoming

Get set to sweat…it’s Overman time. Faster than a speeding caffeine fiend, more powerful than a taco platter at 4:00am after a night of binge drinking, able to leap tall midgets in a single bound. It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Overman. Yes, Overman! A rock band here to fight for truth, justice and an idiosyncratic stylized form of music that will subdue your troubles like a super-absorbent multiply paper towel absorbs annoying spills in just one swipe!

 

Here’s a band that knows how to make music that gets a booty shakin. Its groove time with Overman all the time. But are you worthy of the big fun that they are ready to whip out? Can you handle the truth? There’s only one way to find out. It’s not enough to just cheer like crazy and shake your money maker…if you really want to show you deserve this level of rockin, we need to see some naked boobs and fat doobers thrown up on the stage bitch.

 

Last on our scorecards, first in our hearts, Overman is like a sultry night in the middle of winter. Their tunes will immediately plug you in to the forth person tense (that’s when you talk about someone talking about you talking about yourself in the third person). Their stylistic integrity will mold you into a traveling spiritual soup kitchen, feeding hordes of righteous impoverished Mongols left fallow by the rigors of their journey to thwart the aristocracy.

 

Spaghetti Feed

http://www.myspace.com/spaghettifeed

Sure in today’s society you can cop out nice and easy and settle for uninspired music that sounds no more profound or creative than that wind up monkey toy that bashes the cymbals together. You could play the easy listening music radio station, pretend you don’t have a soul at all and act like a robot. Sure you can do that, but with a band like Spaghetti Feed around why bother being milk toast when they make jamming out so much more fun.

 

The incendiary rousing jams of this band will slice you and dice you and kick you up a notch to notches unknown. All you have to do is plug in and let the groove wash over you. And after their set, why not run up to them and offer them tons of sport sex without commitments, luxury items, record deals with giant advances and a make a nice plate for them of various taste treats off of value menus from every fast food drive thru in town.

 

Roundeye

www.myspace.com/roundeye

Roundeye will sneak up on you and give you the musical pounding of your life until your kidneys fail and you fall into a deep, unresponsive comatose state. Years later someone will accidentally leave your nearly lifeless body in front of a pinball machine, and you will start to play it like some fiendish savant eventually becoming the pinball messiah…bitch!

 

So many times with the game on the line, we watched in stunned silence and awe as the golden boy Joe Montana led his team down the gridiron and himself into the halls of the legendary gods of football…making it look easy and effortless. That is the sign of true greatness…greatness in fact as exemplified by Roundeye. Vince Lombardi once said winning isn’t everything…it’s the only thing. Not that that means anything, it’s just a quote that I know.

 

Neil Diamond Phillips

http://www.myspace.com/neildiamondphillips

Sure creativity in America is defunct. The passion and showmanship hallmarks of the entertainment business, as well as sexual experimentation with the family pet, have gone the way of the dodo in today’s world. Now it’s all Paris Hilton, [O1] F[O2] ox Networks, blood farts, Ann Coulters, tube steaks and french fried Twinkies for breakfast. Lah tee dah! Still, I guess there is a little spark left so long as Neil Diamond Phillips is around…bitch!

 

Tired of bands that make you laugh and dance and sing along with them until your ordinary and average night out on the town turns into an awesome unforgettable party at the end of which everybody gets laid? Too bad. Because if ever there was a band that can give you all that and more, it is Neil D.P. They will not only make you fall in love all over again, but they will beat you and whip you and make you write bad checks…bitch!

 

The band has a robust and diverse breadth of talent to draw off of. Not only do they have a band that can juke and jive with the best of them. They also have not forgotten to keep the showmanship at a top level. Why Dr. Ruth Westheimer, the sex doctor, once referred to this band as “the band most likely to give an entire audience a collective group orgasm.” So bust out the lube for easy entry and let NDP beat your blues into a bloody pulp.

 

Like the proverbial immovable object meeting an irresistible force, NDP is more like an irresistible band meeting an unstoppable party. But what’s really great about them is that they also tour around the country in a van solving mysteries. Why just last month alone the solved The Mystery Of The Fudgie Vixen, The Mystery Of The Sassy Abdominal Flap, Mystery Of The Retarded President and Mystery Of The Holy Roman Vampire.

 

This band is more fun than a barrel of rhinestone encrusted codpieces and spandex lederhosen, more fun than a self lubricating pogo stick covered in donut crumbs, more fun than a pair of rocket powered flying boots that dispense tequila shooters and jello shots, more fun than a fruit pie filled with tacos and fattened goose liver pate, more fun than sending someone you tricked into having sport sex with you a “Dear John” the morning after.

 

Some “firsts” in our lives are unforgettable like the first time we huffed glue, the first time we used a Tickle Me Elmo doll as a sexual device, our first metrosexual experience, the first time we aborted a panda fetus at the San Diego Zoo as part of a series of clandestine activities designed to compromise the govt. of Sri Lanka and the first time we saw Neil Diamond Phillips. Memories of these wonderful things are what makes life worth living.

 

This band is only good for people that like to have fun and party. If however you are a stuffed shirt that like spending their time browsing a J. Crew catalogue, thinks that Michael Bolton has got a lot of soul and loves watching paint dry…then you’re better off getting a Belinda Carlisle CD in your Walkman and hanging out at Starbucks. The rest of us will just sing, shout, dance and laugh our asses off to this ultimate party band.

 

You’re in for a treat as this tribute acting troupe to Lou Diamond Phillips will perform a word for word re-enactment of some of his greatest movies. Tonight we will see scenes from “Stand And Deliver,” “Young Guns,” “The Big Hit” and of course “La Bamba.” Then they will…what?!? Oh, pardon me. It’s seems I have made an error. They are not an acting troupe, they’re a band. And the tribute is to Neil Diamond…my bad.

 

Yeni Raki

www.myspace.com/yeniraki

Drawing from a palette of diversely oriented musical sub-genres, Yeni Raki will “Raki” your world. They’ll shake you harder than a British nanny shakes an innocent newborn baby the first time she is left alone with it (not simply cause it wont shut the hell up, but because it felt refreshing like a fresh plate of bangers and mash after a night of boozing it up).

 

The Life Forms

www.myspace.com/thelifeforms

Here is a band that spawns musical grooves that would feel great on a warm sunny afternoon driving down the highway in a vintage rag top with the stereo blasting so loud that old ladies would piss themselves for miles around. They don’t cotton to the types of self serving poseurs that litter the club scene like so many flaming ants under a magnifying glass.

 

Doggybag

www.doggybagmusic.com

Prepare yourself for a music ride through a vast diaspora of interconnected life experiences revealing a long road traveled not towards exasperation, but towards a celebration. It is one thing to express the vigor and optimism of youth before life lays its weary burden upon you and another to absorb it all and still come out swinging which Doggybag can do.

 

While they might be called “Doggybag,” our opening act does not feature scraps and leftovers like the traditional doggy bag. In fact quite the opposite. They offer a fresh helping of tasty Grade A musical cuts which features a recipe for passionate entertainment. You might want to take them home in a doggy bag after the show in the form of their CD however once you’ve seen them in action. I hear it’s almost as good the next morning cold just like pizza.

 

Slot two of tonight’s show is occupied by a band that defines what a blue collar hard working band of rockers is all about. Doggybag is all about making a great evening click for their friends and fans, and they know how to deliver the goods. Rumors however that Doggybag has signed on to be competitors on Survivor: Fire Island Edition are totally untrue.

 

Inventors of the phrase “bitch slap” and “avec plasir,” Doggybag would have an irreplaceable role in American culture even without their famous appearance at the 1968 festival outside the riot plagued Chicago Democratic Convention. MC5 later said that their performance was the most pivotal influential moment in our culture since the Bill Of Rights was secretly ruled invalid by the Star Chamber in 2002. So why not free willie and dig the jams bitch!

 

This band is like a musical guilty pleasure, indulging the listener in a rich array of powerful rockers. It’s so good, it just has to be fattening. And speaking of fattening, there is a rumor that instead of using a stage for tonight’s show, the bands will be performing on Flabby Hoffman’s huge ass. But I digress. Dig the delicious treats inside this Doggybag bitches!

 

Somersault Factory

www.myspace.com/somersaultfactory

How far can souls be taught to fly into the ether of a boundless, unknown and uncharted expanse? What will the boundaries of our own mortality and the feckless and brazenly insidious madmen setting society’s table allow us to create in this world? Are we to pretend that paradise was not meant for this world and give up on it like so many others have? This music will take you further towards the answer than you’ve been before…if you let it.

 

There are so few people left in this world that have super powers like Somersault Factory. In addition to having radio-vision, laser guided rocket powered nose hair, action portfolio, edible nunchucks, bullet proof Nehru jackets, they also have a talking corned beef and sauerkraut sandwich named Rueben as a sidekick. Together they form a nearly unstoppable force. Oh, yeh and they play some pretty righteous music and are cool people too!

 

Prepare for a good time and to shake your rump a bit with these music makers. Let them lift you up with their fun sounds and tasty licks. Its just the type of thing that will help you recharge the batteries, stoke the fires, fuel the engines and rake the coals. And you’re gonna need every bit of inspiration you can get, because in two weeks John McCain might be President of the United States which means that Armageddon will be close behind.

 

Harkening back to a bygone era where music was driven by vibe and inspired by something more than a barely legal slut in a bikini or a bunch of emasculated poseur castrati boys that prance around like a gaggle of prima ballerinas lip synching to garbage spit out by a computer and a marketing dept. They refuse to live in a world where boy bands and pre-teen whores are made into cultural heroes and turn music into an utter and endless wasteland.

 

Mushroom Murder Mob

http://www.myspace.com/mushroommurdermob

Here’s a band that’ll blast their way into your life like that giant crazy pitcher of animated Kool-Aid blasts through a wall in those freaked out commercials. They play music like they are looking for a confrontation, not a fight…but a confrontation at the end of which there might be a resolution. Or maybe there will be hell to pay. No one knows.

 

Taxi

http://www.myspace.com/taxirockschicago

A great set of music, fun and merriment awaits with a set from Taxi. Catchy riffs delivered with more authority than a Domino’s Pizza at the 29 minute mark. The test isn’t whether or not they are ready to rock you, the test is whether or not you’ve got the brass ones big enough to accept such a beefy portion of rock. Just like the soup, this music is so chunky you’ll be tempted to use a fork…but use a spoon, you’ll want to get every drop. Take that to the bank!

 

In the song “Rock And Roll Hoochie Koo,” Rick Derringer states the immortal words at the end of the second verse “Taxi rocks my ass off nine ways to Sunday.” In “Spirit Of The Radio,” prog band Rush sings “Taxi blows the barn doors off my newly tucked ass.” And in the immortal classic “Flirtin’ With Disaster” Molly Hatchet proclaims during the bridge “Taxi rocks my balls off.” And now you’ll see what drives these classic rockers to love Taxi so much.

 

Taxi is a band boldly blazing a unique trail into a world of rock and roll discovery. They seek the passion within the darkness, they build a school on the edge of a precipice, they fashion their cocktails using the primordial goo from the swamp at which all life sprang…and for a finale watch them pull a rabbit out of their spice rack. Taxi is all about protecting our last shreds of individuality in our modern day neo-totalitarian police state.

 

Missing Score

http://www.myspace.com/missingscore

It’s great listening to music that can enlighten you sometimes, or just lighten the load…and then sometimes its just nice to let it all hang out and have someone musically tear you a new one. This band is ready to be your huckleberry and whip you into submission in a big way. Plus word is they also provide marriage counseling on the cheap for those of you with a marriage on the rocks…or even if you don’t need it, they will give it a whirl.

 

The mind boggling sounds of Missing Score with make you their bitch lickity split and you don’t have a choice in the matter. Plus their music will be featured in a series of porno movies debuting next week. You can hear them in such soon to be classic hit films as Beach Blanket Rug Munch; Star Dreck: The Next Penetration; I Saw Who You Gave Your Last Hummer; Saturday Night Beaver; Where The Boys Aren’t, Insiderman and Rambo-ne.

 

The climax of the evening takes the form of Missing Score, a group of relative newcomers to the Chicago scene. They will pimp your auto with their juicy jams and put a pink flamingo out in front of your mojo. So it is, like the sands of time in an hourglass, or the trickle of a single drop of water in Niagara Falls or the taste in a single stick of Double-Mint gum…we play a part in the whole of an entire process while retaining the singularity of self.

 

Moist Guitars

http://www.myspace.com/moistguitars

Here’s a band that’s out to make you wet at the tip. Some bands play their asses off to get people groovin, some bands write clever lyrics to pump you up, and other bands will show a little skin and get a little crazy with a no holds barred show that is more like a rave. Moist Guitars however seems like they’re ready to do all of the above. Please be advised that those with heart conditions might like to consult their physician before taking in their set.

 

Glasko

www.myspace.com/glaskomusic

This is a band that is covering all the bases on the path to success. They seem to have a very attuned sense of self which they’re crafting into a rarified version. Focused, determined, honed into presenting a band and not just a loosely confederated group of people and songs. Its that extra level of continuity that gives even the casual observer the impression that Glasko has big things in its future. I wish people would think things like that about me dammit.

 

You like your music from a bunch of hot, sexy, slutty pre-teen jailbait whores dressed like cheap hookers lip synching songs that are blatantly infantile with more cheese than a double stuffed pizza and more plastic than your average yuppie. Well that’s too bad because this band will rip you a new one and make you like it. With a variety of intense musical influences, this band will touch you more deeply than your pervert uncle did at your 13th birthday party.

 

There are many things that Glasko is not. They are not a dessert topping. They are not a statuesque runway model named Giselle. They are not a half smoked bong load of skunk weed. They are not a hot dog with everything. They are not a renovated theater on the outskirts of downtown Cleveland. They are none of these things. What they are is a passionate bunch of rockers who will bring a sense of meaning and excitement into your stupid empty life.

 

The X Factor that Glasko brings to the table in addition to their great songs, versatile musicianship, engaging arrangements and fanatical devotion to the music of Barry White is their charisma. You can follow their career by the trail of lesser bands which Glasko will crush and leave in the dust forever relegated to being nothing but desiccated mendicants.

 

Sure they play great music, and yes they have found a way to combine elements of widespread appeal with artistic integrity, and you can’t deny that they all frequently wear pants when in public…its all designed to inflate the senses and make Glasko a unique expedition into the world of creative music. So take all your clothes off, bust out the body paint, shag everything in sight and cozy up to warm and inviting…wait who was I talking about?

 

Prepare yourselves for a balls out time and a half with this electrifying band of rockers. You can’t ask for more fun out of a local band and in fact if you aren’t having fun then you’d best go see a doctor as soon as possible. You might have advanced syphilis. You might even have an earwig eating its way through your brain. And maybe the earwig has laid its brood of eggs right inside your cerebral cortex and within days you will be a drooling zombie.

 

Here is the recipe for making Glasko: 1. Take five parts rock, two parts pop, one part funky riffs and three parts heavy whipped cream. 2. Mix in a bowl with an egg whisk. 3. Place in 425 degree oven for 45 minutes until golden brown. 4. Let cool on the windowsill until they melt your face off with a series of blistering tunes and catchy hooks that make all your so called favorite bands sound like some simpering bitch dragging fingernails on a chalkboard.

 

Here is a band that cannot be denied. Their following is nearly an ever growing cult of devoted fans that cannot get enough of their rockin’ music. But unlike some cults that get all creepy with interspecies marriages, worshipping Anna Nicole Smith’s disembodied breast implants, committing mass suicides by drinking poison jello shots, ritualistic castrations, and fanatical male prostitution…the cult of Glasko is all about jamming tunes and partying down.

 

Symphonic Affair

http://www.myspace.com/symphonicaffairmusic

There’s a buzz around this band that keeps growing as they have the look, the jams, the fans and the tunes to make a big splash in the biz someday soon. It’s now officially time for all of the rest of us to become brown-nosers, sycophants and hangers on and ride their coat tails to feed off of their success. Reserve your seat now, and hang on for the ride.

 

After a hiatus to retool their sound, Symphonic Affair is back and this time they are loaded for bear. Their edgier rock sound has a lot of teeth, if you aren’t careful, those teeth will latch onto you and you’ll be hooked just like so many music fans around Chicago have become. Tonight’s set is a special event. For the first time ever Symphonic will be performing in 3-D. Don’t forget to grab your 3-D glasses…the action will jump right out at you.

 

One listen to Symphonic Affairs passionate and powerful tunes and you’ll know why they keep getting asked back to the Flabby show, perhaps more than any other band. Their story is a heartfelt, rags to riches tale as well. Few people know that in order to buy their instruments and pay for their rehearsal space, each of the band members has to drive a cab 18 hours a day as well as occasionally sell Kirstie Alley’s lipo suction squeezings to Oprah.

 

This band walks the tightrope between making majestic music and creating high production value magic. Known mostly for their famous Statue Of Liberty illusion. They did not make it disappear, but instead made it seem like the Statue had a breast implant in its left boob. Other tricks include: making Detroit seem livable, the heating of a burrito in a microwave illusion and once on a date…one of their members pulled a rabbit out of their pants.

 

See tomorrow’s stars develop right before your eyes and then be the first in line to suck up to them so you can be a member of their posse when they go platinum. By the way, join Symphonic Affair in the parking lot after the show as they will be going door to door selling chocolates to raise money to pay for breast reduction surgery for Flabby Hoffman. Said to be working on their first rock opera based on the life of baseball legend Sammy Sosa.

 

Not only is Symphonic Affair jamming their collective buts off to make good things happen for themselves, word is that they are about to be featured in a revealing 12 page racy pictorial in the upcoming issue of Guns and Ammo magazine. Their likes are: long walks in the park, tira misu and turkey necks. Turn offs include: linen suits, butch chicks, mediciney breath, living dead zombie hookers, body paint and hotel beds that vibrate.

 

Camera

www.myspace.com/camerachicago

On their webpage the list of influences that Camera has is longer than maverick director Vincent Gallo’s codpiece in the movie The Brown Bunny. Fact is however that these fellahs have assimilated these bits and pieces into their own idiom and are ready to become influences on us. Last night a giant lobster forced itself upon me and had its way with me. Arf!!!

 

Reverie

www.myspace.com/reverieone

This is the type of band that you can’t help but cheer for. With a blue collar work ethic, a down to Earth attitude and cool tunes it really makes it easy to root for them to make it. And it really cheeses me off to think about all those brainless pigs the media shoves down our throats every day. I’d like to shove Britney Spears up Rupert Murdoch’s pee hole.

 

Where our first band took a hallucinogenic path towards entertaining us, the modern rock ecstasy of Reverie’s music will get right up in your grill and dig right into the riff rock center of your nervous system. But while theirs is a more visceral buzz, it is no less potent. The rumors that the members of Reverie are training to enter the synchronized swimming event in the 2008 Olympics are false…they are training to be the next Jamaican Bobsled Team.

 

The word “Reverie” is derived from the French word “Reversailles” which literally means “rock band with tasty hot licks, free spankings, attitudes without platitudes and tangy love musk.” In 1967 historian and linguistics professor Jeremiah Fleck discovered that it was Reverie and not Walt Whitman who was actually responsible for writing Leaves Of Grass.

 

Mr. Russia

http://www.mrrussia.net

When did it become such a rare thing to be cool and have a band that rocked people’s balls off? One’s things for sure…in this topsy turvey world where governments are evil, innocent people are treated guity, morons are treated like heroes and the whole human experience is reduced to being a dutiful shopper…I forgot my point. Screw it, you’re an idiot.

 

These Russkies wont be invading sovereign nations in an attempt to compromise pro-American political leaders and to advance their own imperialist designs paid for by newly minted oil money. What Mr. Russia will invade is your inner groove and compromise your blues until there is no place left for them to hide. So what you will need to do is check out their awesome jams and allow their invading forces to overrun your brain….with righteous jams.

 

Section 4

http://www.myspace.com/section4rocks

These sentient and soulful artists are seekers of a more nuance oriented journey through life and they will bring you to the brink of a spiritual awakening. The trouble is you. Are you ready to accept the path to a greater awareness? Can you accept that there is a hole inside you that has been carved out by a society whose messianic cultural slave drivers are hell bent on turning you into a cloistered and impotent zombie who is more machine than human?

 

Passion, vigor, an insatiable dynamism infused with a kinetic evocative heft is in store for us all within the expansive world of Section 4. With a creative process informed by more vibe than you can shake a dozen sticks at, you can always count on the fact that Section 4 will be doling out the groove in a level destined to evoke nothing less than a fanatical level of devotion from all excepting the most zombified, indoctrinated, mouth breathing brain stems.

 

There once was a band named “Section 4.” They played sweet freaky music you’d adore. Their tunes are so fun, you’ll be shakin’ your buns. And for sure they’ll leave you wanting more. This Section 4 Limerick was in part sponsored by the makers of “Genetically Modified Seed Material: The Movie” coming soon to a local multiplex indoctrination center near you. A movie that Ben Lyons called: “Thumbs up….my ass!”

 

With the exception of 9 bands (one of which is Section 4), music has sucked for the last 35 years and has been designed by the aristocracy to manipulate and goad our culture into becoming a race of zombies and impotent robots. The “master race” of the American version of Nazism isn’t a blond haired blue eyed powerful symbol of Aryan superiority, instead its a dumbed down, easily manipulated stooge with an endless appetite for consuming and sports.

 

Mixing power with subtlety, Section 4 has enough breadth and passion to knock the hate out of you and kick your blues right in the nads. They will issue a two for one coupon for your spirit and give your inner gunk a right good tongue job of justice and goodness. And try the new Section 4 candy bar, it’s a delicious mix of chocolate, nougat, breast milk from Queen Elizabeth II and special hugs and kisses for you. I’m jealous of you for getting to see them.

 

One of the most riveting bands on the local Chicago scene. Combining a rich palette of nuanced hypersensitivity with amazing arrangements and musical ability, this is a band that engages and inspires the listener in ways that few can. They have more power than He-Man, Skeletor and She-Ra combined. In fact if you scream the words “I have the power” during their set while raising this program over your head, you’ll turn into a super powered cantaloupe.

 

The evening gets super groovy as band number 3 on the line up has tons of good vibes to dish out (pun intended). If you want a sell out band full of pretty boys that lip sync and prance about like a bunch of fops and dandies without a single stitch of talent that get all their music from a computer programmer nicknamed CHUD, then you have really stepped into the wrong show. But enough talk about them, let’s talk about you. What do you think of them?

 

Blackmarket Democracy

http://www.myspace.com/blackmarketdemocracy

Prepare for a blast in the face of pure power and unblemished energy. You can be transported away to a world where flying Norsemen carry flaming swords into battle against monsters, dragons and divorcees on a crusade to rid the world of everything they feel a sense of repulsion from such as: New Coke, razors with 4 or more blades, edible jock straps, ham and cheese omelets, perky nipples and all NASCAR fans.

 

Host

http://myspace.com/hosthosthost

There are few certain things in this world, but what can be said is that people like you are unfit and unworthy of seeing a band as powerful and cool as Host Host Host. You’re the type of person that enjoys long walks in the sewage distillation plant, cleaning their undercarriage using undocumented migrant workers, eating the leftovers that they reject for use in the manufacture of hot dogs and you think even after all these years that Goldie Hawn is still hot.

 

Anti-Crew

http://www.myspace.com/anticrew

Richard Nixon’s jingoistic destruction of Alger Hiss for political gain was the true start of “McCarthyism,” the wedding march song that we know as “Here Comes The Bride” was composed by Richard Wagner who was a hateful anti-semite who greatly inspired Hitler, John Wayne’s real first name (the poster boy for butch Americans) was Marion. The point is what you see isn’t always what you get…unless of course you’re talking about Anti Crew.

 

Gentlemen’s Club

www. myspace. com/thegentlemensclubonline

Get prepared for a series of evocative, angular riffs and satirical lyrics which will leave you more vibrant and renewed than a baby with a freshly powdered ass. And speaking of dumpsters, be forewarned because once you see this Gentlemen’s Club you are going to want to become a full time member…but they are exclusionary. No idiots, sell outs, zombies or Britney fans allowed…only true rockers need apply you sanctimonious little bitch!

 

This isn’t your grandma’s Gentleman’s Club, no! You wont find scantily clad, barely legal chippies stripped to the birthday suit grinding down on your meat bonanza or slyly urging you to see what’s behind the curtains in their private booths. What you will see is a whole new kind of Gentleman’s Club, where men are men and jams are plentiful. It is the end of a very bad time for you, their tasty hooks and tunes will spark a new Renaissance.

 

The Evening Redness

http://www.myspace.com/theeveningredness

Those who chose to wear socks to this show, should prepare to have them rocked off. The fact of the matter is that The Evening Redness will spank your ass with their righteous licks and riffs until your heine becomes the Redness itself. Then once you think its peaked, they will whip out that heine and spank it with another rockin tune, until you have lost all sense of the difference between light and shadow, between sober and stoner.

 

Waiflike

http://www.myspace.com/waiflikemusic

When you think of things which are “waiflike” these days, other than Flabby Hoffman, what comes to mind is a young supermodel under the trance and caught in the grip of an induced fervor of an unhealthy nutritional discipline. However with the band “Waiflike” you will be caught in the grip of a much healthier dillio. In fact 9 out of 10 hobos under the delusion that they are doctors say that the raucous tunes and jams of the band Waiflike can heal people.

 

Everyday Celebrity

http://www.everydaycelebrity.com

Rumor is this band is slated as the villain in the next Bond movie and they are to be called Hooks Galore (named for their musical hooks that they wield with such authority). They’ll use their dynamic sense of musical balance and manic stage energy to take over the world. And you will roll over like a sun drenched beach bunny to take another heaping helping of their thick pungent musical recipe and let your cabana boy rub oil all over it.

 

If you want some punchy tunes expertly delivered with hooks to spare and a great buzz, then look no further than EC. Don’t resist the urge to join the party, strip down to your G-String and let it all hang out. Let Everyday Celebrity be your musical bikini wax. Of course if you have been listening to too much mainstream media, you might already be to pre-programmed and brain dead to really dig it. Maybe you’d prefer some Air Supply or Cher.

 

Turn Of The Century

www.myspace.com/turnofthecentury

Many people have a harsh lot in life. The world is full of so many horrors and vermin and high priced hookers who are far too expensive for a schmuck like me to afford. It seems so unfair. Once in a while there’s an equalizer. Turn Of The Century is just such a thing. For one listen to their awesome grooves and blazing riffs will turn it all around and make you remember that once in a while even a world like this can produce something cool.

 

Das Fur Kots

www.myspace.com/dasfurkots

These rowdy fellahs are geared and primed to turn what could be the most mundane of club dates into a raucous rock and rock party. In fact when 9 out of the 10 hottest supermodels were asked for their top five turn ons, the list read like this: 1. Doggie. 2. Das Fur Kots. 3. Long walks on the beach. 4. Men who wear fishnet stockings and high heels. 5. Sticky kind bud. Pretty impressive, but once you’ve heard them you’ll know the reason why.

 

Seth Bradley

www.myspace.com/sethbradley

Seth infuses a dynamic pop sensibility with a unique urgency and sense of longing in his music. He sets himself apart from the pack with a voice that could crumble a piece of blue cheese into shards at 50 paces. If you doubt my assessment and think that I am exaggerating, then I dare you to go up to him during his set and put a hunk of blue cheese directly in front of his mouth when he is singing and watch as the power of his voice demolishes it.

 

Seth has a resonant and soulful voice that cannot help but turn a few heads making even the most cloistered of jaded self-centered morons wake up and groove. In fact Cosmopolitan magazine mentions Seth specifically in their last issue as being one of the top five ways to turn on women in the boudoir. That list being: 1. Champaign and Strawberries. 2. Seth Bradley. 3. Big Feet. 4. Water Sports. 5. Nitrous Oxide. Open the possibilities for yourself.

 

In these uncertain times and crazy political climate there are a lot of uncertainties. Will we wind up with that wacko fascist phony Hillary or that Charlie Chaplin looking maniac McCain as Prez? Will that Nixon clone Huckabee get the V.P. nod and take his rightful place as the successor of the wave of evil leaders we’ve had destroy this country for the last 50 years or will the stunning voice and shear power of the intense Seth Bradley set us free?

 

Passion, vigor, an insatiable dynamism infused with electricity all informed by a fanatical devotion to the band Sly And The Family Stone, are the contours that serve as the spark to this musical explosion. Can you free your mind enough to accept the depth of its charter, to touch you in ways that make you feel loved like it was the very first time???

 

With a voice that can take you from warm and inviting to expansive and urgent in a matter of moments, it wont take you long to become impressed by Seth. So if you dig music by surface minded phonies with enough talent to fill a thimble getting by on looks alone and a dripping wet cleavage…then you will have to wait until our third act of the evening (Flabby Hoffman). Seth is all choice cut, prime, grade A, tasty singer songwriter of the highest order.

Reflective intense and personal, Seth has set a course for brighter horizons winding through a path that boldly strides through the dark corners of self-doubt and bewilderment that all of us find when we take the path less traveled. Will you take this journey with him, or will you chicken out, refuse to confront deeper issues, buy some comfort foods and watch some Australian rules football on ESPN 2 until your soul turns to mush? Hmmm…

 

Machines That Think

www.machinesthatthink.com

You’re a dried up piece of milk toast that thinks the music of Shania Twain is intellectually poignant and a stunningly nuanced series of musical observations of the human condition. Well prepare to get your head ripped off and stuffed down the neck hole by these hungry and innovative rockers. In fact in the directors cut of The Wizard Of Oz, instead of the heart, the brain and so forth…the wizard actually gave out Machines That Think CDs.

 

Their intense, driven and evocative music dabbles in the undeniable realm of the profound throughout. The unique complexity is framed within a vigorous high octane package so that it rocks to the point where it the details compliment the heaviness rather than distract as can be the case with some prog. In other words, if you aren’t digging the rockin’ grooves of this band, it’s not their fault…it’s your fault and you must suck.

 

You’ve become a gray mattered, sheep mentality conformist clone with a devout dedication to emptiness and a hole in your heart the size of Oprah Winfrey’s favorite dildo. Lately you’ve been wondering if there’s something that you can do to break up the annoying monotony of your useless life. Well the answer to your concerns is here in the form of Machines That Think. If you’re still a zombie after you’ve seen them, then you really must suck.

 

Here’s a band that seems to have one goal in mind. That goal is to jam some bad assed riffs until you the listener are sticky with goo and writhing on the floor dry humping a poet, legally changing your name to Wilber while on the way to the baseball game where you throw spark plugs at the fans until everybody gives up following sports, movies, TV, animal porno, rough stuff in the bedroom and buying into marketing campaigns targeting kids.

 

So you think you’re cool because you worship Britney Spears even when she’s down and you think Ashton Kutcher is the coolest actor ever you never missed an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond…I hate to be the one to tell you, but you are a useless and worthless meat bag. Not to worry however, because Machines That Think will set you free with their intense commitment to musical ingenuity and rampant zazz. You will be transformed.

 

Heavy The Fall

www.myspace.com/heavythefall

Rock and roll might not have been able to save the world from becoming savaged by a torrent of ego maniacally driven crypto-fascists from turning the whole damn place into a dumbed down police state, but at least with a band like Heavy The Fall we can all see that some very cool things still exist even in a world that seems comfortable with sucking balls. In fact Heavy The Fall rocks so hard you’ll feel like they’re kicking the worlds ass for you.

 

The Low Republic

http://www.myspace.com/thelowrepublic

An intriguing band that captures a combination of stylistic verve and a passionate power with a vibrant groove leaving the audience ready to dance even while they’re having their skin melted off. In fact if you’re not digging their set, then it’s likely that some of the wires in your brain are frayed or perhaps your mind is under the shroud of a dark somnambulist. No worries though, their music will be your shaman to lead you into the bliss.

 

The Quilts

http://www.myspace.com/thequilts

Here is a band that really packs a wallop and gives a third meaning to the phrase “speak softly and carry a big stick.” The force of their musical presence and dynamism pounds so hard it can tenderize a steak, or even tenderize the heart of the most helplessly indoctrinated brain dead emotionally empty yuppie. Mark my words, if you cannot get off on the deep and intense vibe spouting from this musical joy ride, then you need a spiritual enema bitch.

 

Unlike the subject of the iconic 50’s movie, these rebels have a cause. The cause is to rock you and suck the poison out of your fetid and contaminated soul. They will fearlessly rip and shred the living whoozits out of you, purging your toxins. So prepare for a deep spiritual cleansing. Afterwards prepare for them to give you a zesty full body loofah exfoliation. Just be careful you don’t get too excited and wet yourself like they have done to so many others.

 

Lou Carlozo Band

http://www.myspace.com/stickfiguresoul

Few people have contributed to building the Chicago musical creative community with as much dedication as Lou has with producing, writing and involvement with creative networking groups. Tonight he contributes with creativity of his own. His eye opening musical sensibility is both profound and accessible all at once…focused and expansive. Why not show your support with a gentle slap on his ass when he passes by you tonight.

 

The Drama Junkies

http://www.myspace.com/dramajunkiesmusic

These fearless musical adventurers, these hearty evocative musical provocateurs are ready to thrash your complacency into submission. Of course their type of free thinking approach will ultimately land them on Richard Nixon’s enemies list…and look where that got Buddy Holly and Bob Dylan. No need to worry, Nixon is dead now and his test tube baby, Mike Huckabee will be busy inducing a stroke in President McCain for some time.

 

A perfect start to an evening of fun music and revelry, The Drama Junkies feature some great musicians and cool people who have paid their dues and played their blues in a variety of configurations throughout the years. And as we drift precariously into a socialist like society due to the lack of competition caused by endless unrestricted corporate consolidation, soon there wont be anyone that plays cool music like this.

 

Team Rockit

http://www.myspace.com/teamrockit

In a perfect world, Team Rockit would be as popular as a certain north side sports team that hasn’t won a championship in 100 years. How is it the worst team in the history of all competition gets worshipped by 30,000 fans every time they play and Team Rockit, a band that is a winner every time out of the box, doesn’t get to play in giant stadiums? It’s cause the damn media practically kills itself to promote baseball and nothing to promote Team Rockit.

 

Everything about Team suggests that they are ready for the next step to happen in a big way. They’ve got the look, sound and feel of a band ready to kick down the barriers and once you’ve seen them in action you will be a believer as well. So, make the most of your opportunities now to get their autographs, line up in the front row and ladies even save one of their semen samples, cause in a year or two when they’re multi-platinum, you’ll wish you did.

 

Pool Of Frogs

http://www.myspace.com/pooloffrogs

Unlike the famous Prince song about birds crying, when Pool Of Frogs play, this is what it sounds like when beavers cry. The Frogs aren’t really a band, they are more like some invading Mongol horde come to ravage your women, lay waste to your land and shower the non-believers with their god-like golden man filth. You would be wise to suckle at their teat and drink in their milky goodness lest you become litter on the trail of their vengeance.

 

Being in the presence of P. of F. is rather like having an 8 hour long tantric orgasm while dry humping your best friend’s main squeeze while they’re out of town donating a kidney to an anonymous orphan as you get spanked with a whip made out of a pubic weave collected from the Karen Carpenter’s bikini waxings all the while wondering if anorexia makes pubic hair grow slower? In other words it’s the best damn experience you’ll ever have

 

If you’re looking for a band that can combine the glorious sensitivity of Debbie Boone’s “You Light Up My Life” with the tender passion of Karen Carpenter’s “We’ve Only Just Begun” with an earthy little splash of John Denver’s “Rocky Mountain High” then you’ve got the wrong f*ckin’ band. This is the god damn Pool Of frickin’ Frogs bitch…here to steal your f*ckin dingos, light your children’s PJ’s on fire and rape your cattle. Shut up bitch!

 

Radical Chic And Mau-Mauing the Flak Catchers Magazine calls Pool Of Frogs “a tart mix of sexual chocolate and herbal ecstasy with a side order of sucker punch to the crotch.” With this band, both the show and the after party all take place on stage. Watch as they create their own urban legend in front of your very eyes. You’ll want to blink at least once or twice during their set, but don’t! You wont want to miss a minute of the action.

 

Action Finger

http://www.myspace.com/actionfinger

Rumors of Action Finger acting erratically, shaving their heads, showing their shaven beavers to paparazzi, driving their cars with their infant kids not in child seats and showing up to do the opening number for the MTV Awards fat as hell and lip synching like a bad Japanese martial arts movie are all true. So’s the one about you being a stupid jackass.

 

Rebel Rouser

http://www.myspace.com/rebelrouserr

Come get “roused” by these high energy rockers and join their ravenous throng of insatiable fans as they tear up the room with a mixture of curvilinear riffs and balls out rockers that will turn you into a supplicant nursing at the Rebel teat growing ever hungrier for another dose. We here at the Flabby show are so confident that you’ll become their zombie slaves subsequent to their set that if you are not satisfied we will give you a free noogie.

 

Unlike the subject of the iconic 50’s movie, these rebels have a cause. The cause is to rock you and suck the poison out of your fetid and contaminated soul. They will fearlessly rip and shred the living whoozits out of you, purging your toxins. So prepare for a deep spiritual cleansing. Afterwards prepare for them to give you a zesty full body loofah exfoliation.

 

The Rouser is in the House! Prepare to have thyself rocked and rolled so hard that you will have the lint blown right out of your belly button; you’ll have the nose hairs blown right out of your nostrils; you’ll have the cheese dust blown right off your cheese doodles and you’ll have the lead blown out of your imported Chinese children’s toys. So bitches its about time you realized as the famous saying goes, if the Rouser is a rockin…don’t bother knockin.

 

Hot scalding riffs coming through with these guys. There’s an electricity in the room every time these long time vets of Flabby shows suit up. When you see them in action, you’ll get some sense of what it must have been like to see luminary and legendary rockers from bygone days when people believed music could change the world and things like destiny and integrity were more than catch phrases in some phony’s campaign slogan.

 

With equal parts riff rocking and panache, the Rouser has come to tickle your fancy and bitch slap your blues away. You might become helplessly addicted to their brash musical stylings and find yourself devoted like Renfeild in the Dracula movies. Eating bugs and grubs to survive, awaiting with hypnotic desperation for your new master’s dictates. Blindly searching for desires that are no longer your own, for you’re now a zombie to the groove.

 

This new band on the scene has come to kick ass and chew bubble gum…and they’re all out of bubble gum. They’ll drill you and then bill you…do anything to thrill you. Soon you will become like their own little pet lap dog, running after them when they leave the house, yipping and yapping, and peeing the carpet from sheer joy when they come home at night. And what will you do with yourself once you have become their dog? Hump their legs?

 

Hungry for a dose of jams that’s all crank and no filler. Well you’ve found the right band here. This young bunch of rockers will take all your cares away and whisk you off to an ultimate Xanadu where you’ll recline on clouds made of whimsy and drink deeply of a transcendent sticky mead and float away like in a Calgon bubble bath made of magma. In fact if you aren’t rocking to this band, best check your pulse. It might be time for the difibulator.

 

Teal Delusion

http://www.myspace.com/ugleestik

With this being their second in a series of three gigs this week (including a sweet weekend slot tomorrow night), Teal Delusion is clearly a band in high demand, which is better than being a clearly high band that is very demanding. One time at band camp, this girl took her trombone and stuck it up her ass and played “Tears Of A Clown.”

 

Set your mind for interstellar overdrive as the boys from Teal D. look to melt your frickin brain all the way down to the stem and reconstruct it with a groove-centric, rockin, sockin electric banana in the matrix. You will walk in through the door, and sensing the fulcrum of the intensity, you will perambulate in the ultimate rotogravure encrusted with gilded senses and opulent auras on the verge of a crossroad between the imagination and the impulse.

 

Across State Lines

http://www.myspace.com/acrossstatelinesmusic

This band has not done any songs entitled “Excuse Me While I Fold My Pants,” or “Liquorice Wet Nurse” or “Itchy Asses For The Masses” or “68 And I’ll Owe You One” or “Let’s Go Do Some Crimes Bitch” or “Butch Flaccidy And The Skin Flute Kid” nor have they done a song called “Flabby Hoffman’s Fat Ass Stole My Kitchen Utensils.” So what are their songs called? I don’t know. Why don’t you ask them, what am I your bitch?!? Bitch!

 

Bat Masterson

http://www.myspace.com/batmastersonband

You like your music to be made up of a bunch of hot sexy action and pre-teen jailbait dressed like cheap hookers lip synching songs that are blatantly infantile with more cheese than a double stuffed pizza and more plastic than the average menu item at Taco Bell. Well that’s too damn bad because this band will rip you a new one and make you like it.

 

Death To Smoochy

http://www.myspace.com/smoochytodeath

This band will help you drift off to a world away from ours when attention to timbre and headspace landed a band on the radio and didn’t get them pushed off to the side like some deep fried leper. Sort of gives off a little Who Sell Out vibe in a D.I.Y. milieu (in a good way). You however spend all your time getting into pissing contests and such with suppressed jock wannabees and never look outside yourself long enough to recognize quality.

 

Pick Noer

http://www.myspace.com/picknoer

Pick Noer their dainty and petite, delicate brand of music which with lead you to a deep state of blissful anal leakage. Even a dunce like you with limited reasoning skills can get a sense of their command of subtle musical timbres. Their’s is a warm, inviting set which will inspire you as the new global depression destroys society, bringing widespread anarchy and civil disobedience. And just remember…you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick noer.

 

Empra

http://www.myspace.com/empramusic

Well if hanging out at your place and doing boring things like watching paint dry for hours on end is your idea of a good time, then Empra is not going to be your cup of tea. Because these rockers are so busy revving up their engines into musical overdrive that you boring and complacent moribund types will get repeatedly kicked in your metaphorical groins so many times over and with so much force that your junk will be black and blue for the next six months.

 

Vehicle

http://www.myspace.com/musicvehicle

Webster’s defines the word “vehicle” as a medium for thought, feeling or action which is a perfectly apropos description for the inspired musical endeavor we will hear throughout tonight’s show. Oddly though, another definition for “vehicle” is a medium for suspending pigments and drugs. What the hell is that? It has nothing to do with our performer at all…weird.

 

Miss Jackie And The Sass

www.myspace.com/missjackieandthesass

Years ago, the world turned on to the Divine Miss M., Bette Midler, and now that same world somehow still exists and will be turned on in much the same way to the Divine Miss J. Cause the Divine Miss Jackie And The Sass will turn you on all the way to bejeezus and back with their super sultry sensuous sounds. You might even feel the night crawlers squirming inside the tackle box a wee bit if you’re anything less than comatose.

 

In addition to rockin your ass off, this band will win you over with their combination sultry passion and kickin grooves. The fact is that if the word “boing,” or more appropriately “boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!!!!” doesn’t come into your brain every minute or so while they are playing, you are either a brain dead, syphilis infested, moron with chronic fatigue syndrome or a eunuch. My guess is that you are a eunuch…totally balls free since 1997.

 

Umbra

http://www.myspace.com/umbrachicago

There’s so much evidence this country is being singled out for a widespread intellectual enema and spiritual wedgie that one wonders how we seem oblivious to it. The soulless crapola of the highest order we have been forced to chug would have caused a less zombified culture to rise up decades ago to kill every white person in sight out of shear hatred for the putrid world that the powers that be have foisted upon us. Fortunately we have Umbra.

 

On We

http://www.myspace.com/onwe

Rumors of On We acting erratically, shaving their heads, showing their shaven crotches to paparazzi, driving their cars with their infant kids not in child seats and showing up to do the opening number for the MTV Awards fat as hell and lip synching like a bad Japanese martial arts movie are not true. The rumor about them being a hot and hungry rock band on the prowl that will melt your face just for the fun of seeing it drip down onto the floor is true. Rockin!

 

Have you been feeling sentient or empathic about things lately? Have you been turned off by the proliferation of simple minded, pre-digested bull dink that gets foisted on us every day? Have you been searching for something that answers questions for you the same time it leaves you guessing? Well then look no more, because On We has got just the thing you’re looking for. So quit letting the world spank your senses, give yourself over to these juicy jams.

 

Dabbling in the nuance between obvious and oblique is the bailiwick of the true artist, and there is no doubt that On We are true artists. They will get your senses to rise to the surface and allow you to breathe in an unfettered space, like some giant weight has been lifted off your chest. Be mindful though, because the world around you still sucks pretty bad, and On We might leave you so light headed that you’ll try all manners of silly things like sleep with a hobo.[O3]

 

Scattered Trees

http://www.myspace.com/scatteredtreesmusic

Scattered Trees rock so effectively and have such a great and powerful command of their instruments that it is likely they will soon clearly be a band in high demand, which is better than being a clearly high band that is very demanding. So you’d be smart to kiss their asses now while you can, cause soon they will probably be too big for chumps like you. One time at band camp, this girl stuck a trumpet up her ass and played “Tears Of A Clown.”

 

Lost Armada

www.myspace.com/lostarmada

There are a lot of reasons to feel like the world is spiraling into a fiery abyss filled with greed addled bloodthirsty maniacs foisting their dehumanized and pathological brand of black hearted hatred on an unsuspecting world full of dumbed down braying jackasses disguised as humans who have been intellectually enslaved into a perpetual cycle of emptiness and unenlightened dysfunctional virtual slavery, but Lost Armada is not one of them.

 

Tonight’s opening band has more kick than a deep huff of modeling glue and will get you spinning around from the start to the finish of their set like someone sprayed some pepper spray on your o-ring. In fact their set is so thick and juicy you’ll be tempted to grab a fork and knife and eat it…but use a spoon, you’ll want to get every drop. Unlike the Spanish Armada however that fell apart when facing the British, this Armada comes through every time.

 

Hidden Mitten

http://myspace.com/thehiddenmitten

Which of the following is Hidden Mitten? A. The name of the first Czechoslovakian to walk on the moon. B. It’s the title of a romantic comedy starring Ben Affleck getting stranded in a post-apocalyptic all inclusive Caribbean resort with Tea Leone after a nuclear holocaust. C. A raucous bunch of kick ass indie rockers. If you said anything but “C” you are as dumb as mule with a pea sized syphilis infested brain and a ginormous bitch.

 

Leathur Cheetah

http://www.myspace.com/leathurcheetah

Word on the street is that Leathur Cheetah has a new drummer and they are feeling very robust about it. That’s good news for rockers, but bad news for those that dig music like Air Supply and Barry Manilow who are looking for the next Debbie Boone. The thing is, this band is all about ripping and layering their aggressive riffs with booming vocals drenched in vibe and plowing over the non-believers like a nuclear powered steam roller.

 

The Cheetah is back! After an amazingly short turn around time to replace their drummer, they are lock and loaded and ready for action once again. It’s the choice riffs, the blazing vocals and tight riffs that you remember, but now it’s new and improved with high powered action drums. Now available in extra crispy, original recipe or a la mode.

 

Fasten your seat belts for a roller coaster ride through the raucous feast of the senses that Leathur Cheetah will provide for you. Taste their riffy goodness and make their power chord laden jams a delicious and nutritious part of your balanced breakfast. Now with 100% of the doctor recommended daily dose of 11 vitamins and minerals, which is more than 10 sets worth of the average band. That’s why choosey moms choose Leathur Cheetah.

 

Leathur Cheetah will sneak up on your if you’re not careful. Just like the stealthy cat from which they take part of their name, the music of this band will pounce on you. You will be like an antelope in the middle of a tall grass waiting for just another group of poseurs phoning in another set of music with a bland and lifeless approach, but when Leathur Cheetah attacks you will be torn to pieces by their soulful hooks and shredding licks.

 

All of you beer drinkers and heck raisers will have plenty to glom onto with the bombastic rock and roll party that is Leathur Cheetah. Feel free to scream your ass off, light up a fat twistable and party naked like it’s 1999 bitch! Because true love is not just a feeling, it’s in what you do. It’s holding your lover’s forehead when they puke, or mopping their face with a cool towel when they’re tripping balls and to resist sleeping with their parents.

 

Kristin Joy

http://www.myspace.com/kristinjoymusic

Tonight’s show starts off with a delicious sound treat. Kristin is an injenou singer with a timbre range broad enough to melt your heart or shake your booty in her dynamic lexicon of original acoustic music. But there’s more to Kristin than meets the eye. In 1977, it was Kristin that brokered the historic S.A.L.T. treaty between the U.S. and the Soviets. In Time Magazine, Henry Kissinger called Kristin the greatest diplomat in American history.

 

Nick Bognar

www.myspace.com/nickbognar

Rumors that Nick Bogner is in fact a spy for the Red Chinese and has worked for decades as a Manchurian Candidate of sorts, quietly and efficiently dissecting American society through a series of assassinations, sabotages and miscellaneous subterfuge are exaggerated to a certain extent. He/They work only in the medium of subterfuge and they do not work for the Red Chinese. They work for the tiny Soviet breakaway republic of Rockyourassov.

 

In the movie Spartacus, Antoninus regails Crassus with his varied skills at teaching the classics to the children of his master and Crassus responds by asking rhetorically “what position have we for a boy of such varied gifts?” Well our host for tonight’s show, Nick Bognar is a little like Antoninus. And like Antoninus, he eats of the clam, not the snail and he sneaks off in the night to escape and fight with a beloved cleft chinned roman warrior.

 

Nick is a profound talent infusing energy and wit with an unerring sense of timing and drive. He will knock the hate out of you and kick your blues right in the nads. His latest release which we celebrate tonight, acts as a release for all of us to shake off the dust of a weary world and rock. And try the new Nick Bognar candy bar, it’s a delicious mix of chocolate, chaw, dog meat, nougat, breast milk from Queen Elizabeth II and special hugs and kisses for you.

 

If more people played music with the type of attitude, passion, wry (and occasionally ironic) humor that Nick has going for himself, then the music scene would still be a thriving community. Unfortunately, the powers that be have got a big chubby for foisting a pathologically spiritless brand of music on the population until we become so saturated with this feckless disposable culture that each and every one of us will inevitably turn into zombies.

 

LNHRR

http://www/myspace.com/lnhrr

So many bands are so full of themselves because people tell them they are great all the time. They choose to believe this in spite of the fact that the people telling them this are total idiots. Few of them have paid the dues and fashioned ballsy and intense chops of LNHRR. So they sit there and delude themselves until one day they will get on a line up with a band like this and they will feel like chumps. LNHRR in the meantime is the real magilla.

 

Soul Pollution

http://www.myspace.com/soulpollution

Soul Pollution is back for a second Flabby show so get ready, cause you are in for an intense ride. Talk about a band that leaves it all on the stage, they play with so much energy and commitment to the music it’s like it’s a combination of their first and last show every time. Plus they’re nice people too. Rumor has it tonight after the show they are all going to Habitat For Humanity and building a house for an underprivileged family. How cool is that?

 

Soul Pollution headlines yet another Flabby show. The debate rages on as to why they are always slotted to close the show. While some say it’s just luck of the draw or timing, truth of the matter is that they are so powerful and their chops are so awesome that the crowd is always exhausted once their set is done. No band’s got the guts to follow their set!

 

Super charged, electrifying, blasters of dynamic metal can jump start the mojo of even the most stoic zombie. Each lick will take you to a higher level of ecstasy and intensity. Its not uncommon for many of the ladies who see Soul Pollution to repeatedly ask to have Soul Pollution’s baby and for the men to offer to become their roadies and haul their gear for nothing more than a few scraps of meat gristle and a bowl of milk. Dig the wild riff-o-rama!

 

Thomas Edison once said genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. If that is true then there is no doubt that Soul Pollution is a brilliant band. It’s not just in the thrilling vibe and intensity of their performance, its also in the sense that you will get that they must really be practicing like maniacs and putting at least 99% into their perspiration side. And I was told that after the show they will wash, wax and detail any car for only $29.99.

 

Matt Robinson Band

www.myspace.com/matthewjamesrobinson

If the Sub-T is a rockin, don’t bother knockin. It’s probably because this band is in the middle of their rollicking set. Made from equal parts groove and good times, the vibe is so infectious and they’ll turn even the dullest of parties into a rager. So quit being such a bitch, why not toss a little cheap sex their way or something after their set. It’s the least you could do. Better yet, why not score some nitrous and get them ripped before you shag.

 

Baby Magic

http://www.myspace.com/babymagicmusic

Not many people realize that the word “Baby” in the name “Baby Magic” actually is an acronym, the letters of which mean the following: “B” is for Blast – as in you will have a blast when you check out this band; “A” is for A-Hole as in only a real A-Hole would not dig Baby Magic; the other “B” is for “Bitch” as in Baby Magic will make you their bitch; and “Y” is for Yentl which is a movie that will make you puke once you’ve tasted Baby Magic.

 

Here’s a game you can play while the inconceivably wild Baby Magic performs. Every time you hear someone in the audience say “holy mother of God,” “sweet jumping Jesus” or “I just pissed myself” drink a shot. By the end of their unreal set, you will be drunker than a football player behind the wheel of their Escalade while committing some vehicular manslaughters. But don’t you drink and drive, us normal people go to jail for that.

 

Planetary Blues

http://www.myspace.com/planetaryblues

The psychotropic musical thrill ride that you’ve been getting stoned and zoning out to music for all your life for is finally here in the personage of Planetary Blues. So often, musical technicians seem incapable of sustaining any real emotions in their jams. And that’s where Planetary B. puts a real ass whooping on their competition. They are masters of their instruments and play with tons of soul. More than you’ll ever have you frickin blood fart.

 

The whole town is a buzz with the emotive jams of Planetary Blues. Their music is top shelf, the bees knees and 23 skidoo. Each member of the band is also a licensed surgeon. After the gig, join them in the parking lot where they will perform any surgery for just $99.95. Listed in the Guiness Book of World records for having performed more sex change operations than any other band in North America, they will get your rocks off…literally!

 

These incendiary but lovable rocking blues-rock maestros will bitch slap your sorrows into the land of wind and ghosts. Allegations that members of the band regularly feast on lamb’s blood in ritualistic ceremonies in which they pledge their allegiance to a giant magical goat named Clip Clop have recently been exposed by the New England Journal of Medicine to be mild exaggerations. The have however placed an ad for a Liza Minelli look alike to sing lead on their upcoming tours of Siam, Prussia and the land of Nod.

 

The world’s first band to have received the Nobel Peace Prize for having discovered a brand new tonal musical key…“F-Flat.” Planetary Blues is also scheduled to be the first band to act as the crew for the space shuttle Discovery in early 2006. Sure they are transcendent, incandescent guitar heroes of Herculean strength and mythological scope, but their real talent is tailoring. Planetary Blues can make a custom suit that can shoot the lights out.

 

The world’s first band to have received the Nobel Peace Prize for having discovered a brand new tonal musical key…“F-Flat.” Planetary Blues is also scheduled to be the first band to act as the crew for the space shuttle Discovery in early 2006. Sure they are transcendent, incandescent guitar heroes of Herculean strength and mythological scope, but their real talent is in their abilities as male gigolos. Try one out for yourself if you don’t believe me. That oughta shut you up.

This band has chops and vibe so righteous it will blow a hole throug

 

h your skull and burn their words on the back of your eyeballs. You will either have to get out of the way or sit there and take it…but it cannot be stopped. Five minutes after they finish their set tonight this band will probably be signed to be the house band for every show on television or to be featured as the theme for the next Star Wars trilogy.

 

If you like cross genre rock with a rugged blues flavor cranked up to 11, then you are going to love Planetary Blues so much you might just bust a button on your trousers. Playing at every venue they can get their hands on, these guys will soon be on the map as one of the hardest working bands at The Beat Kitchen tonight.

Once you dig the tasty chops and get on the Planetary tip, you will be sexually healed and your mojo will turn into a pair of cherry flavored edible panties. The un-indoctrinated who have seen only a minute of Planetary are in for a treat so get your drink on and tear your clothes off and dance sticky and naked while basking in the splendor of their titillations.

 

Whiskey Blonde

http://www.myspace.com/whiskeyblonde

This band has the courage and temerity of a young bull in its prime. Siring bull calves with all of the comely she bulls in the herd whenever the fancy strikes them. Defending their position with shows of strength and poise and massively powerful shanks. Shanks of beef. And they also control a vast army of animated Tickle Me Elmo dolls who they send on various missions to disenfranchise the youth of Guam and other Pacific rim nations.

 

Sir Leo

www.myspace.com/sirleochicago

If you want to have your face torn off or melted down like that villain in the first Indiana Jones movie, then you are in luck because Sir Leo is your band. They will grab you by the brass ones and eat you for lunch. And then they will crap you out and you will flow down the Chicago River where various elements of you will form part of the river bed only to be eaten again, this time by ravenous mutant catfish. After that who knows, maybe a trip to Cabo.

 

This band will kick your ass and make you like it, but where’s the action figure playset, the product tie ins with McDonalds, the deep cut album track duets with Jay-Z and Timbaland and the “arranged” promo/paparazzi friendly marriages with ex-members of The Go-Go’s and the women’s gold medal winning 4 X 4 relay squad from the 1988 Goodwill Games? I’ll tell you where they are, they’re up the asses of the phonies who aren’t fit to kiss Sir Leo’s feet.

 

White Buffalo Is Born

http://www.myspace.com/whitebuffaloisborn

Rumors in the blogosphere are rampant that not only is this band a real cool exponent of great music, but that they got their name from the fact that they are all hung like a “buffalo.” One time at band camp, one of them put a trombone up their girlfriend’s spice wagon and then made a kid with cerebral palsy play it for an hour without allowing them to take time off for seizures. They never really actually did that and I’m a sick bitch for saying it.

 

Eleven Dollar Life

http://www.elevendollarlife.com

This band has the courage and temerity of a young bull in its prime. Siring bull calves with all of the comely she bulls in the herd whenever the fancy strikes them. Defending their position with shows of strength and poise and massively powerful shanks. Shanks of beef. And they also control a vast army of animated Tickle Me Elmo dolls who they send on various missions to disenfranchise the youth of Guam and other Pacific rim nations.

 

People Magazine calls Eleven Dollar’s unique blend of styles “as refreshing as a warm hooker is to a soldier on leave from an unjustified war.” Car And Driver Magazine calls them “a glass of fresh cold milk to dunk your graham crackers in after your civilian residential area has been cluster bombed with white phosphorus.” And Cosmopolitan lists them as number 6 on their “Top 20 Ways To Please Your Man.” Dig their blissful groove.

 

Kicked Off Edison

http://www.myspace.com/kickedoffedison

In addition to rockin your ass off, this band will win you over with their combination sultry passion and kickin grooves. The fact is that if the word “boing,” or more appropriately “boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!!!!” doesn’t come into your brain every minute or so while they are playing, you are either a brain dead, syphilis infested, moron with chronic fatigue syndrome or a eunuch. My guess is you are a little eunuch bitch…totally balls free since 1997.

 

The Heard

http://www.myspace.com/heardchicago

These trip hoppers are on a collision course for the center of your mind with an utter command of the groove so compelling and a perspective driven voice so incisive that you will have a inter-sensory multiple orgasms all throughout their set where each of your senses will climax with an unrivaled series of prolonged mind blowing ecstatic spasms. In fact if you do not experience this level of maximum euphoria then you are probably a brain dead bitch.

 

It’s party time for sure and The Heard will get us all to the promised land where grooves rule a psychedelic world of everlasting expansive amplitude. Their powerful group vocal attack, adrenalin, emotional drive and fanatical devotion to the music of Bette Midler set them apart as a band that cannot be stopped by even a combination of The Hulk and Yoda.

 

There is a phrase that goes “it is better to be seen and not heard.” Well with the band “The Heard” it is best for you to see and hear them. They will groove you and move you and turn you into one of their minions with the urgency of their delivery and the energy of their evocative prose. There are rumors all over town that the Heard is about to launch their new investment consulting firm. So after their set, why not go up to them and ask them for stock tips.

Get set to check out a wild array of creativity from our headliner of the evening. Drawing from a diverse palette, The Heard has created a musical potpourri mixing beats, grooves and all kinds of alternative influences and juicing it all up into a bombardment of the senses. So don’t be afraid to open up your cake hole and scream your approval.

 

True Cubicles

http://www.myspace.com/truecubicles

Its been two years since the True Cubicles graced the Flabby stage with their nuanced and insightful music. In that time a lot has happened. Barbecue flavored potato chips are now “Mesquite” flavored chips; Washington D.C. has a baseball team; everything at gourmet restaurants has cilantro in it and Martha Stewart has turned into a living breathing yeast infection. Hmmm, I guess things are the same as they were two years ago after all. Wowzers!

 

Nine out of ten doctors recommend a daily dose of True Cubicles for relief of the everyday common Repetitive Blues Syndrome. Of course if you enjoy feeling lousy, passively aggressive or just complacent and robotic, then don’t bother listening to the True Cubicles. One things for sure, once you hear them play you’ll be saying “you had me at hello.”

 

This duo is loaded for bear, seeking to tear its claws deep into the flanks of the indoctrinated plastic robotic zombies…victims of our homogenized, dehumanized culture. I am talking about, those witless, soulless mouth breathing brain stems who will never know a creative thought in their lives. And speaking of creative thought…oh, nevermind.

 

Prepare yourself for a rousing bit of face melting and a feast of tasty riffs. You however can’t handle the truth, so what makes you think you can handle the True Cubicles. It takes a real pair of brass ones to keep up with these great jamsters and you just don’t have the buster browns. The worst part is admitting how terrified you are of them, terrified of what they will make you feel. Terrified of seeing yourself through their prism. Tsk, tsk bitch!

 

Rising up like a flowering firework out of the hotbed of incendiary creative independent artistry of Libertyville. They liken themselves to a musical blob, which is probably why they fit in so well with Flabby Hoffman who has been likened to some amorphous blob who like water simply takes the shape of the container he is in. With their ear to the ground and their imaginations soaring above the ground, MT will allow you to feast from their aural smorgasbord.

 

Standing On The Shoulders Of Giants

http://www.myspace.com/standingontheshouldersofgiants

Here’s a band that fully exemplifies the ethic of following intuition to realize the full resonance of the creative impulse without compromise or apologies. In addition to creating something that is unsurpassed in today’s bland cookie cutter society for intensity and integrity, its just flat out refreshing to hear great artistry unleashed to its fullest. Plus, rumor has it that the band will sign the chest of anyone joining the fan club in July.

 

Supra Genius

http://www.myspace.com/suprageniusband

The enthusiastic jams of this band with rock you and roll you into a stupor. You would do well to carry a strong talisman every time you see them, because their powerful riffs might render you their zombie slave. A life without Supra Genius would be like a night without using sausage gravy as a sexual lubricant. It would be like having to stare at a life-size picture of Sarah Jessica Parker or being Tom Cruise’s wife/slave for a day. Purely horrible!

 

Mind At Large

http://www.mindatlarge.net

This band shows exactly what it like when you combine talent with equal parts of sweat equity. Changing from supple melodies to driving grooves effortlessly, your mind will be living large in the presence of Mind At Large. And if you dig the music, why not pick up a copy of the Mind At Large Home Game. Play the exciting board game in the comforts of your own home, guaranteed to provide hours of fun for you and all the primo tail you can tap.

 

The Loyal Divide

http://www.myspace.com/loyaldivide

Prepare to have you innermost sensitive areas repeatedly violated by vigorous levels of robust intensities which pull you from the depths of spewdom like a recently animated model robot tasting an unrivaled level of epicurean excess only to be subdued by the vastness of the desensitized world laying waste to the unlimited potential of those truly empowered to render the untapped power of life’s essence into the unrealized source of beauty.

 

Slazenger 7

http://www.myspace.com/slazenger7

Pounding their way into your brain like some super charged Pixies meets Iggy And The Stooges circa 1970, Slazenger 7 is loaded for bear. Legend states that a long time ago, elements from the band Slazenger 4 combined with elements of Slazenger 3 to form the outlandish and hard rockin band what we now know as Slazenger 7. Be that as it may, a stitch in time saves nine, penny wise and pound foolish, measure twice – cut once; touch my monkey.

 

The 4orty 5ives

http://www.myspace.com/4orty5iveschicago

I’m all jacked up on mushrooms and gas fumes right now, so I might be tripping balls, but the fact is that I have the 4orty 5ives jamming out of my speakers and I’ve never tripped in a better head space before. Not that I am advocating the use of high potency hallucinogens before and during a listening session with this band, as their incessant groove and righteous musical approach makes a fun time in any state of consciousness…altered or not.

 

The Stoneflys

http://www.myspace.com/thestoneflys

This band was confirmed to play on 05/15/08, a show which got transferred to tonight. I offered them the new night, they said they’d do it. They sent emails for me to confirm again which I was really slow to return. When they threatened to pull out I told them I thought they were confirmed already and to play the gig if they wanted. They kept the gig on their myspace page so I didn’t replace them, but told me yesterday they did not expect to play.

 

Not since the halcyon days of the Weimar Republic has a band brought such a movable feast of musical splendor in what is nothing short of an ultra vivid attack on the senses as The Stoneflys. They will eat away your blues faster than Oprah goes through a 25 pound bag of Idaho potatoes. Plus their music is like a musical ruffie and will lead to the tapping of many asses and nude laser tags battles that turn into co-ed orgies with no fatties or skanks.

 

Undertow

A mysterious band from the darkest depths of the Forbidden Zone in the Galaxy of Doom, the music of Undertow is metaphorically like the umbrella that high wire artists use to keep from falling off the tightrope. Each and every song they play fits perfectly in synch with the entire movie The Wizard Of Oz. Of course you have to dose yourself with at least 4 hits of LSD to achieve the effect. For that reason this entire program has been printed on blotter acid.

 

Captain Lucid

http://www.myspace.com/captainlucid

You know the rock biz is littered with head strong poseurs and a bunch of self righteous egomaniacs who worship the ground that they themselves walk on (even on the local show level). With this band you wont get any of that, as their music and their comportment are equally down to earth. Their organic nature is easily and immediately recognizable and will win them tons of fans in years to come. Only a total phony wouldn’t dig it.

 

Paid Pilots

www.myspace.com/paidpilots

The kinetic energy that this band harnesses in each song sounds like enough to power a city block for a year. Its passionate, in touch with itself and informed by a true innate visceral dynamism which is nothing less than totally infectious. Plus they took this gig on a short turn around which shows a nice adventurous and ambitious attitude to make the most out of tough situations. My recommendation is to cheer these guys on until you bleed out the ass!

 

Venganza

http://www.myspace.com/turkishrevenge

If the house is a rockin, don’t bother knockin…it’s just Venganza with another set of groove laden jams. Their unique rhythmic and melodic approach will take you to a long forgotten place and refuel the batteries that life in our harsh and ephemeral culture sucks dry. Of course if you enjoy having all the life force sucked out of you, then you might not dig their set.

 

Red Line District

http://www.myspace.com/theredlinedistrict

What are you looking for in a local rock band? Ear splitting riffs, stellar guitar work, soaring vocals, explosive stage presence, ear grabbing tunes and band members flying off the stage like bombers off the edge of an aircraft carrier…well if that’s what you want, your search is about to come to an end. Red Line is all that and a bag of chips to boot.

 

Just Infinite

http://www.jinfinite.com

Although it was on a short turn around and the only opening was a late slot time, this hungry and hard charging band jumped on tonight’s line up with cheerful enthusiasm. If they continue to meet such challenges with equal aplomb and attitude, there is no doubt that they are in the early stages of a very prolific career. They even had the guts to use a picture of Flabby Hoffman on their e-promo poster even though it causes most people to wretch.

 

Scanning Babies

http://www.isound.com/scanning_babies

There are lots of fun things to do with babies. Drop kick them, peel their skin off and make bomber jackets out of their hides, carve out their organs to harvest for the black market, use them in topiary garden arrangements, tossing them out windows at passing cars like water balloons…and so forth. But once you start up with Scanning Babies, no other use for babies will ever be the same. You wont want to throw these babies out with the bathwater.

 

Heavy Mental

www.HeavyMentalRocks.com

This heavy band will drive you mental with their cool music and kick ass jams. But you don’t have to take my word for it. Just take a look at these quotes from unsolicited members of the public at large: “I used to be a closeted pederast, until I heard Heavy Mental. Now I’m the coolest.” – Jack Boots “Heavy Mental is my favorite, I wanna have their baby.” – Joe Blow and “Heavy Metal is so good I almost pissed myself” – Jackie Onasis

 

Fifth World

http://www.myspace.com/fifthworldmusic

There is a size and splendor to the music of Fifth World on many levels. It seems designed and driven by the ultimate goal of having an impact. What is impressive is that somewhere in the concept it realizes that the greater the surface area of the target, the greater the overall impact will be. So their approach seems geared to being at first an expansive experience for the listener and then kicking your ass. It’s like a massage for your brain with a happy ending.

 

Some music is for fun, some music is to groove to, some music speaks to you and gives a succinct voice to your to your previously undefinable raging emotions, some music is driven by a need to reflect a world view condensed through the lens of a rich musical palette. Well with Fifth World you get all of the above. And also the first 10,000 in attendance tonight will also get a 10% off coupon for oral at the local brothel with every paid admission.

 

Tension

http://www.myspace.com/tensionproductions

These young and hungry artists are full of vim and vinegar. They’re out to make a name for themselves and paint the town red. So why not scream and shout out your support while they are jamming and after the set you or a lady friend of yours can run a scam to bear them an illegitimate child or two. Who knows, at this rate you might score big and land yourself the kid of a 100% bonafied rock star and you can collect on all that big child support.

 

Dynamite Blu

http://www.myspace.com/dynamiteblu

The atmospheric elements that Dynamite Blu employs to set their stage for their tasty rock grooves should clue you in that these guys have a deeply sensitized creative sensibility that frequently stretches the boundaries of rock in all the right ways. Once you dig the full tilt powerful licks you’ll be hooked but good. You’d best be careful however, you’ll get so excited when you hear their music, you could even wet your pants…I know I did.

 

E-zel/ Das Gluv

http://www.myspace.com/ezel1995

E-zel is a band that creates it’s own musical landscape. Sometimes subtle and sometimes right up in your grill, they have a strong command of the ability to create nuance in their music when so many others these days just hit you over the head. Also why not try their new morning breakfast spread “E-zella.” Spread some on your toast in the morning for a delicious and nutritious taste treat.

 

Is there anyone out there that enjoys music dripping with vibe played by virtuostic players that effortlessly flow from music of subtle nuance to irresistible booty shaking groove faster than a Ferrari goes from 0 to 60? Well for those that do, prepare to meet your perfect band. If E-zel can’t get your groove thing in full gear, then it’s likely that no one can. And don’t forget to check out the new spin off TV series on Fox this fall “Dancing With E-zel.”

 

Fresh from their triumphant performance at Munich By Southwest Festival and a command performance for Queen Beatrix of The Netherlands, Das Gluv is in rare form and ready to be making rock very much. Spectacular verve and continental form, their blue blooded old world nuance and charm will waft all over you like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s perfume. Watch as they cut a swath of unmistakable grooviness combining a debonair flair with a sprinkling of Eurotrash.

 

Party music never tasted so good. The Big E-Z will make you forget your troubles lickity split. This band is a perfect example of artistic integrity that plays by its own rules instead of bowing to trends or marketing scams. They cannot be boxed and packaged by those Madison Avenue drop outs who are turning radio into the 24 hour Bubble Gum Rock channel. If they don’t turn you on in the first three minutes, then you might already be a zombie.

 

There is only one word to describe the music and approach of E-Zel: sentient. There are however many words to describe the game of ping pong…words like bouncy, bounciness and bouncelent. Wait, those aren’t words. There are no words that embody the nature of ping pong. And what does ping pong have to do with anything? Have I gone mad? Have I slid into, and are you witnessing, a descent into pure insanity? No, I’m just tripping balls.

 

This show is tied in with the number 3 for E-Zel. It is 3rd third Flabby show, they are 3rd in the line up for the show and rumor has it that each of them have lined up a threesome for after the show. But seriously, the authenticity of E-Zel is as unmistakable as it is organically driven. The only people that don’t groove off their music are old farts, defense contractors, Canadian hockey goaltenders, Nazis and Cher. Everyone else really digs it.

 

Scarlet Escape

http://www.myspace.com/scarletescape

From the very moment you check out this band, you realize why they have been asked to open for bands like Chevelle and Helmet. With a unique and forceful style and a monumentally explosive delivery, only a drooling, lobotomized, mouth breathing pinhead with less between their ears than the scarecrow in The Wizard Of Oz would miss seeing that these guys are creating a powerful energy that seems destined for a bright and rewarding future.

 

The Chet Parsons Project

http://www.myspace.com/thechetparsonsproject

Not to be confused with seminal 70’s rock band, The “Alan” Parsons Project…or are they. Is The Chet Parsons Project really just a crass attempt to cash in on the popularity and intrinsic production value associated with The Alan Parsons Project. Seriously though, the C.P.P. is a band that incorporates an intriguing linear oblique stylistic songwriting with bursts of frenzied energy that will rip your face off and then slap it around a bit.

 

Bizarro

http://www.myspace.com/bizarromyspace

The term “balls to the walls” gets used so much these days, it’s almost lost all meaning. However when it comes to Bizarro, very little else can describe the furious musical explosion that this band will unleash on you. In fact they eat other bands for lunch, lesser bands incapable of even a speck of the intensity. In fact many of the more progressive and pragmatic environmentalists have suggested harnessing Bizarro as a clean renewable source of energy.

 

The phrase “ultra-electrified musical riff happy funkadelic kaleidoscope of mindblasting orgasmo crankers” is so overused these days it’s almost lost all its meaning. When it comes to Bizarro however, there is no way to over-exaggerate their energy with any level of hyperbole. Bizarro will make you write bad checks and make you want to have their baby.

 

Bizarro has enough mojo to give you both the head trip and the body buzz. If you do not get your rocks off on their ministry of sweet bombastic outrage then you might not have rocks to begin with. Now they come with twice the marshmallow bits: green clovers, purple horseshoes, pink moons, red eyeballs, blue hawaiis, brown o-rings, tope unicorns and green proboscis monkeys. Make it a delicious part of your nutritious breakfast! Taste the wetness.

 

My Delusion

www.myspace.com/mydelusionrox

The phrase “lick wielding brain sizzling super juicy jiggy jams” is employed so frequently in today’s lexicon that it has almost lost all it’s meaning. Our closing act this evening will unleash a furious tune-age so bombastic that it’ll turn your mind into the primordial goo from which all life sprang to give your inner groove the gift that keeps on giving.

 

The evening concludes with a crate full of rock and roll from the ear blistering jams of M.D. If you want fat power chords, in your face performances and a fanatical devotion to the seventh chord then you’ve come to the right place. If however you want some milk toast, lip synching panty waste sell out to prance around on stage like a brain dead ballerina and mouth the words to songs about how fun it is to be a zombie then you’ve got the wrong band.

 

Harvest

http://www.myspace.com/harvest

This band will give you a lot to cheer about above and beyond just the jamming tunes. Their commitment to kith and kin and their tireless work ethic reflect something deeper…a group of people connected together to realize a common vision. In a culture given towards foisting praise on a pre-digested, surface minded and dehumanized version of creativity in order to brainwash us all into becoming soulless clones, it’s refreshing to see Harvest in action.

 

Here are some examples of hard working, blue collar, grass roots oriented things that have been inspiring: Rocky Balboa, Abraham Lincoln, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire winners, the guy who invented the Pet Rock, The 1985 Villanova Wildcats NCAA College Basketball Champs and the band Harvest. Every note of their no-nonsense music sounds authentic and will make you feel alive and ready to party like it’s 1999. Lively up yourself!

 

After having taken an extended respite from the Flabby Caravan (of nearly a month) they are back for another slice of the pie. Ah, but what flavor is the pie and how many times has it been used as a makeshift shiv in a knife fight at a Turkish bathhouse between a man named “Pokey” and a talking Siberian husky named “Snowflake?” Who knows, but what will be obvious is that they will play their collective asses off in an all out effort to rock and or roll you.

 

Think the exuberance of the Black Crowes with the fluid instrumental breaks of the Allman Brothers and you will get a picture of Harvest blasting its way through another set. So sit back, funnel some liquor, and groove yourself into stupor letting all your inhibitions evaporate and dance around the club wearing only a loin cloth and a smile. It’s la vida loca baby!

 

Josh Solomon And The Empty Pockets

http://www.myspace.com/joshsolomonandtheemptypockets

Fresh off their stint performing in the stirring and critically acclaimed local music play “Revere” about the life and times of the seminal 60’s iconic band Paul Revere And The Raiders, Josh Sol….wait a minute. Nobody would do a play about Paul Revere And The Raiders?!? Let me tell you something, my research dept. is fired on Monday. While I get all this sorted out, dig the cool, powerful jams of Josh and The Pockets.

 

First came the Mersey Beat in the British Invasion, followed by the psychedelic sounds from San Francisco. Then came punk from London and the Seattle sound. Now get ready for the next musical idiom as Josh And The Pockets spearhead what is soon to sweep the nation with what will be known as the “Lincolnwood” sound. Regardless of the label, their inspired music is bound to have you all smiles.

 

Fusing pop sensibilities with a diverse stylistic palette and a finely tuned musicianship are all hallmarks of this powerful band. Speaking of hallmarks, the Hallmark greeting card company will be enacting a “Josh Solomon And The Empty Pockets Day” as the next artificially created holiday designed to shift more product.

Refined, robust and full of vim and vigor (what the heck is “vim” anyway), Josh and crew are sure to tickle your fancy and if you are lucky and friendly enough perhaps they’ll tickle something else for you too. But more importantly they will use their stellar musicianship and hook laden to leave bands of lesser dedication in the dust. We are lucky to have them opening the show tonight as it’s a great way to start off a cool party.

 

Tautalogic

http://www.tautologic.com

The Word “groovetastic” is used so much these days it has lost almost all meaning, but when it comes to Tautologic there could be no more appropriate use of the word. Deriving their name from the latin words “Taut” which means spearmint flavor and the word “Logic” which means chocolate covered vegetarian spring roll. Cause after all what goes better with rock and roll than a nice spearmint flavored chocolate covered vegetarian spring roll…bitch!

 

The Carpet Thieves

www.myspace.com/carpetthieves

Once you hear Carpet Thieves you’ll see why most other bands seem like a bunch of candy-assed nancy boys that can’t go round one with the likes of them. Pride, sacrifice, desire, a fanatical devotion to the band Foghat have risen these guys to notches unknown to become utterly and totally balls to the walls and more man than you’ll ever be.

 

If you dig mamby pamby half assed elevator music made by tone deaf sell outs and nancy boys then you’ve definitely got the wrong band with The Carpet Thieves. They will hit you upside your head time and time again until you’re brain damaged (in a good way). Because you don’t need an unresolved quest for rock…you need results. And the Carpet Thieves are all about the bottom line. And they will kick your ass and make you like it bitch!

 

Robbi

http://www.myspace.com/robbi

Wake up to the world around you with this verbal virtuoso. Robbi has a way of uniquely spinning a variety of musical influences, insightful lyrics, trippy beats and a fanatical devotion to the music of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass into a powerful attack as capable of conveying subtle thoughts as she is capable of delivering the KO punch. Ride the wave!

 

Don’t underestimate the thoughtful chanteuse Robbi because of her diminutive size, because sometimes big things can come in small packages. She will bombard you with her alternative and rap stylings and if you’re a sell out she will eat you for lunch as she rips away at life’s injustices with her powerful no holds barred lyrics. She’ll rock your world real good.

 

Sleeping Sergio

http://www.myspace.com/sleepingsergiomusic

There’s more to this band than just passionate music, diversely oriented, delivered with gusto and bravado. Let’s look Behind The Music. Sleeping Sergio was born the son of a poor sharecropper in the outback of the Mississippi delta region. Their land was poisoned by a nearby hog farmer and they moved to Chicago where they met Glenda, the Good Witch Of The South By Southwest, who turned them into the rockers you know and love today.

 

Sleeping S. is the epitome of young and hungry bands on the make for big things in their future. Scratching and clawing their way into grabbing the gusto is their middle name. Other middle names of theirs include “Roscoe,” “Niedemeier,” “Karl” and “Flipper.” A word of warning, by tomorrow you’ll be a junkie looking for another dose of S.S.

 

Best strap one on…uh, I mean strap yourselves in for this band. Because they will throw their diverse musical styles and influences at you in rapid fire fashion taking you into a profound musical world of their own creation. Turns out they’re all surgeons as well and they will perform any surgery you need for $99.00 out in the parking lot after the show.

 

Learn to love all over again with Sleeping Sergio. If this band was a baseball player, they’d be Reggie Jackson, hitting 3 homers in the World Series. If they were a football player they’d be Franco Harris whose powerful running led his team to 4 titles. If they were ice cream, they’d be Ben And Jerry’s, if they were a hospital they’d be the Mayo Clinic, if they were a dog food they’d be IAMS, if they were a Vulcan they’d be Mr. Spock, etc.

 

Only a useless, spiritually bereft, guileless, infantile, sophomoric bastard with extensive brain damage would not find something from the diverse palette of Sleeping Sergio to groove off of. Checking out their set is almost the same as wandering around the stages of the Bonnaroo Festival and listening down to a bunch of different bands for three hours in one third of the time. So strap on your strap-ons and expect the unexpected.

 

Mer

http://www.merplay.com

Forming a bridge in between our bands this evening is one of Chicago’s most accomplished and diversely inspired solo voices. Mer’s influences are literally a who’s who of extraordinary musicians, but no one that hears him would deny that he uses this to create a style seen through his own filter. He is also more than willing to do any surgery you want for $99.00.

 

Red Star Wrecking Co.

http://www.myspace.com/redstarwreckingco

It’s history in the making on slot two as I think this is the debut of R.S.W.C. we are all about to witness. Just think, as the years go by we will all share a common life experience…something that will bind us tighter than eating a pound and a half of cheese on melba toast. Hey here’s a good idea, let’s all get together here at the Sub-T in 10 years and have a reunion. In the meantime, let’s get down and get funky with the Wrecking Co…bitch!

 

Akasha

www.myspace.com/akashamyspace

Get ready to groove out with a tasty treat designed to make your harshest blues take off and evaporate like tears on the surface of the sun. You will find it irresistible and unmistakably appealing. It will be like having amazingly fulfilling sex with a series of hot to trot, barely legal, sexual dynamos while on a combination of nitrous, ruffies, Quaaludes and malt liquor for hours and hours until you get all bitchy and your genitals turn into gravy. Zesty!!!

 

Doko Benjo

www.myspace.com/dokobenjo

Popular music long ago had mass appeal as well as consummate artisanship. Somehow the George Gershwins of this world gave way to the Ashlee Simpsons and along the way our very humanity was compromised. Fortunately, we have true believers and creative visionaries like Doko Benjo around still to try and save our asses from an eternity of phoniness and ignorance. I pray they and others like them will find a happy place in the sun.

 

Proving the reverse axiom of “right makes might,” Doko will look to climax the evening with an order of Funkin’ Doughnuts. Yes if this blast of rock/funk fusion doesn’t sine your pitty on the runny kine then nothing will. So if your tired of the endless malaise of mainstream music, if you refer to Pop Culture as “Poop” Culture or if you are tired of being an emotional narcoleptic, you have found a cure in the form of Doko Benjo. No thanks necessary.

 

Meqqa

http://www.myspace.com/meqqa

This band has “fat record record contract” written all over them. In fact it pisses me right off to think that instead of promoting a rockin, hard working band like Meqqa that the mainstream media promotes a bunch of cheesecake phony no talent hacks like Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson allowing them to make albums and then have the press literally force them down our throats like a catholic priest forces himself down the throat of….well, nevermind.

 

Rumors that Meqqa has sold out and has converted to an N’Sync tribute cover band are completely untrue. Anyone that I catch spreading that rumor will never again be invited to set me up with their sister on a blind date where she gets a little tipsy and decides to let me get to third base in the car on the way to the Pizza Hut. I’m sorry to have to get like this, but the fact is that I hate rumors like that and the music of Meqqa is a stone cold jam and your sister’s a dog.

 

It’s been a while since Meqqa has been on a Flabby line up, stirring up their self-contained musical explosion. Be prepared for a riff oriented assault on the senses and those with a heart condition or in dire need of relaxation should beware. Don’t be afraid to scream and shout as they crank your brains to the other side of midnight…nobody will laugh at you. Nobody will endlessly ridicule you and call you a useless moron and tell you your birth was an accident.

 

There are so many mysteries in life. Does Sasquatch really exist? If you sneeze with your eyes open will your brain explode? What state is the Springfield from the Simpsons in? Who shot J.R.? How high is up? Really important stuff like that. But there is one thing that’s for certain…This band’s music presses all the right buttons and makes everything else you’ve ever checked out seem limp and feeble in comparison. It’s rock and roll or bust baby!

 

Stolen Blues

http://www.myspace.com/stolenbluesband

It’s blue collar rockers from the hinterland of Lansing coming down to do their best to assail your brain with a riff and roll circus that will make you feel like you just got repeatedly kicked in the mojo with a steel toed boot. This is a big gig for the band as it is the first time they’ve played since they were stampeded to death by a herd of wild exotic antelope from New Guinea. Forunately, for them they got better due to the miracle of modern day science.

 

Rumors that Stolen Blues has sold out and has converted to a Backstreet Boys tribute cover band are completely untrue. Anyone that I catch spreading that rumor will never be invited to set me up with their hot sister on a blind date where she gets a little tipsy and decides to let me get all the way to third base on the first date ever again. I’m sorry to have to get like this, but the fact is that I hate rumors like that and Stolen Blues is a stone cold jam!

 

Arlum

http://www.arlummusic.com

It’s been a while since they have hit it with Flabby, but just like riding a bicycle on a warm summer’s day without any pants on, you never forget how. They jump on the audience and dry hump them to within an inch of their lives with a non-stop stream of riffs that will leave you moist and sticky. They’re so good you’ll be tempted to use a fork, but use a spoon, you’ll want to get every drop.

 

If you are ready for high powered rockin’ action and excitement, the men from Arlum are ready to deliver in a big way. If you dig their riff-a-liciousness, then why not check them out this fall in their upcoming sitcom TV series “Arlum In The Family.” And why not buy their latest musical invention called “The Guit-arlum,” a guitar which automatically plays Arlum songs at the push of a button. You will laugh, you will cry, you’ll fall in love all over again.

 

An unofficial count of the number of Flabby shows that Arlum has done weighs in now at over 175 shows. If you add in the number of shows that Arlum members have played for other bands or simply been in attendance, then it turns out that Arlum has attended more Flabby shows then Flabby himself. Why have they been asked back so many times for so many gig slots over the years? Easy…it’s the jams (oh, yes and the cash kickbacks as well)!

 

The party continues on into act two as Flabby favorites Arlum and their fans are here to help celebrate the birthday of lead singer/axeman Mike. But instead of giving him the spanking, Arlum will be here to spank us with their driving brand of rock and roll. Rumors that the other bands have chipped in for a cake but are replacing the candles with marijuana cigarettes may not be entirely untrue so make sure to gather around when Mike tries to blow them out.

 

A Flabby holiday show wouldn’t be complete without Arlum. Their no nonsense and honest music is cutting a swath across the Chicago musical landscape. In candid interviews they credit their success to a strict regimen of dropping mushrooms and fondling underage barnyard animals before every show… Whoops, sorry! I got that mixed up with Flabby’s pre-show ritual. Either way they will rock your world and make you write bad checks.

 

A band with more Flabby show appearances than Flabby himself. All of this exposure seems to have gone to their heads. In fact 3 of the 4 members have turned to becoming professional male gigolos, and service between 30 to 40 lonely Gold Coast women a day to raise the money to start their own TV series to feed their now insatiable appetite for video showcasing.

 

These Flabby vets have played so many Flabby shows, that there has been serious talk about changing the name of the show to The Arlum Caravan instead of the Flabby Hoffman Caravan. Their contemporary rock sounds and musical guile have attracted a loyal group of followers that are nearly a cult following. Not to worry though, no poison Kool-Aids or mass ritualistic suicide pacts from this cult…not yet anyway, only a devotion to rock and roll.

 

Arlum has been voted the sexiest band in America for six out of the last four years by both Teen People magazine and Popular Mechanic. Recent rumors have portrayed them as having been the ghost writers for several of Broadway’s most exciting musicals such as the sequel to Rent called “Time Share” and a musical version of the old TV series Punky Brewster called “Pork Sword.” Still they find time to rock the Flabby show. Dig their swinging grooves!

 

Arlum has been voted the sexiest band in America for six out of the last four years by both Teen People magazine and Popular Mechanic. Recent rumors have portrayed them as having been the ghost writers for several of Broadway’s most exciting musicals such as the sequel to Rent called “Time Share” and a musical version of the old TV series Punky Brewster called “Pork Sword.” Still they find time to rock the Flabby show. Dig their swinging grooves!

 

Lief Garrett, 70’s heartthrob and raucous Teen Beat idol, calls Arlum the quintessential rock band. That might not be far from the truth, and the truth will set you free. Truth…that rhymes with “tooth.” And the tooth is where Duke Leto Atredies from the movie Dune hid the poison he was to kill Baron Hakkonen with. Of course he missed and wound up killing the guy with the massive eyebrows. Arlum has come to finish the job.

 

People Magazine just voted Arlum as the “Sexiest Band Alive” for the 8th straight year which leaves them in rare company with only the iconic band Right Said Fred as having achieved a longer commitment to excellence with 9 years in a row. This makes their authentic jams all the more impressive that they’re not just relying on their looks to earn favor.

 

This band has some to kick ass and chew bubble gum…and they’re all out of bubble gum. Now you too can be on the Arlum tip and let them gnaw at your brain with tunes that will definitely raise a few blisters. Wear your lust for their music on your sleeve…they love a loud crowd.

 

Outside of Flabby Hoffman himself, it is unlikely that anyone has hit it more times on a Flabby line up than Arlum. Are the rumors true that Flabby is grooming Arlum to star in their own TV series. The rumored perspective TV show titles include: Beverly Arlum 90210, Arlum the Vampire Slayer, Arlum Trek: The Next Generation, Arlum In The Family, Late Night With Arlum Letterman and Arlum Python’s Flying Circus. Oh yeah and they do music too.

 

WMNM radio deejay Roger Spackle, host of the long running Chicagoland local music radio show called “Fat Nurturing Wet Nurses,” was recently quoted in the Illinois Punt Pass and Kick Competition Journal saying that Arlum is most definitely the Chicago band picked as most likely to be destined for bigger and better things than the Flabby Hoffman show. And this is their first show since they were just acquitted of assaulting the Pillsbury Dough Boy.

 

Reverie

http://www.myspace.com/reverieone

Born with a passion for jams, Reverie has more licks and chops than a lollipop at a steak restaurant. Back on the Flabby Caravan for the third time, it wont be long before you see why they’re invited back. If you aren’t digging their tunes you’d best start digging a hole for yourself…cause something inside you must have croaked. Why not ask them to sign your boobs after their set? You never know, in a couple of years they should be worth something.

 

Let’s Get Out Of This Terrible Sandwich Shop

http://www.myspace.com/letsgetoutofthisterriblesandwichshop

Gore Vidal has placed L.G.O.O.T.T.S.S. on his list of Top 49 comedy acts of the 21st Century for the last 3 months in a row. In their high school yearbook, Sandwich Shop was voted “Most Likely To Freak Out A Pot Head” and in fact they seem well on their way to doing so. Learn to love all over again.

 

The first band to actually perform in 3-D, L.G.O.T.T.S.S. is a psychotic, insane ride through an exotic world full of purple clouds and cellophane chimpanzees. Their music pounds like a relentless series of solid kicks in the nuts from Patrick Ewing without the benefit on an anesthetic. It will take you on a trippy ride, like you were in the midst of an ether binge riding a North Korean rocket on its way to destroy Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. Snoogans!

 

Words fail to provide an adequate means of conveyance for the indescribable experience of this act. The only way to express what this act is truly all about would be to use cave drawings. A series of these drawings describing the experience of “Sandwich Shop” will be on exhibition at Adler Planetarium on Arbor Day.

 

First Round Failure

http://www.myspace.com/firstroundfailure

You won’t believe your ears and eyes, once you dig the men in the ties. Yes, it’s the second round with the Flabby show for First Round Failure. Unlike so many Pay-Per View fights on cable that end in the first round however, the band “First Round Failure” is in for the long haul and will treat you to an exciting exhibition from beginning to end. So get your groove on and get ready to blast through the envelope ninja style. Snoochie boochies!

 

In reading about F.R.F. I found out that they used to turn tricks with 4 ponies which is scary not only because it’s sex with animals, but since it was with “ponies” and not horses it implies that the animals were also underage. Seriously though, the frenzy of music they make is kinetic enough to give you chest pains just thinking about how much they put into it. So watch them put their shoulders to the wheel for their diverse jams.

 

Cola Wars

http://www.myspace.com/colawars

We hardly knew ye Cola Wars, for their first show with the Flabby Caravan, might just be their last. Rumor has it they are leaving the windy city in search of greener pastures. So enjoy them while you can, drink in their refreshing deliciousness. So party down tonight like its 1997 and hoist a few tankards for the band and send them out in style. They would do it for you if you were playing on a Flabby Caravan and they were in the crowd.

 

Sequoia

http://www.myspace.com/sequoia

Using uniquely fluid harmonic progressions to fuel their ballistic attack on the senses, Sequoia will give you all the rock you could ever ask for and more. Listening to them is like a plowing into a wall of riffs with a tank…in a good way. They will beat you, whip you and make you write bad checks and there is nothing you can do but sit there and take it. Why not pick up the Sequoia videogame, now with battle droids in the shape of Wade, Tim and Dan. Nooge!

 

Hail The Black Dragons

http://www.myspace.com/hailtheblackdragons

They will turn the inside of your skull into the primordial goo from which all life sprang in the span of the opening minute of their set. Hail The Black Dragon is the first band to actually appear in 3-D. Think getting repeatedly kicked in the nuts over and over…but in a good way. Nobody talks the talk and walks the walk quite like these monsters of head space. You can’t stop them…they cannot be stopped. You’d be a fool to try.

 

Gyre

http://www.myspace.com/gyre

The term “Balls to the Walls” gets used so much these days, its almost lost all meaning. With Gyre however, there’s no better way to describe their bombastic onslaught. Also, they played an instrumental role (no pun intended) in putting tonight’s show together. In fact two out of the four bands on the line up are due to the suggestion of Gyre. If you include that one of the other two bands is actually Gyre, then they are in fact responsible for 3/4ths of the show.

 

So many of us feel a compulsive need to reject the deeper experiences that life has to offer. We see so called “musicians” who cannot play or sing worth a damn coming out with clothes lines, athletes that cannot read come out with their own signature shoes and movie stars are plastered all over newspapers and gossip shows even though they are as deep as a soaking wet rolling paper. With Gyre, you can be sure that you will hear a commitment to depth.

 

Revelator

http://www.revelatorblues.com

This band will open a hidden door to a level of consciousness that you never knew you had. It’s like an aural bong load. Someday soon the only places you’ll be able to see them are in buildings whose names have been sold out to giant corporations, so drink it all in while you can. On the side Revelator also wrote the screenplay to the upcoming movie version of the TV series Wheel Of Fortune which everyone says has created quite a buzz in Hollywood.

 

It’s always a joyous occasion to have the electrifying Revelator join a Flabby line up. After experiencing their powerful performance, all other bands will sound like nails being dragged across a mile long blackboard. Celebrate life along with them. Bond with them. Grok their fullness. Take off your shoes and socks and let them sink in between your toes.

 

There are a lot of things in this world to doubt. War, famine, disease, why anyone would buy a Britney Spears record, why good things happen to bad people…lots of things to question, lots of reasons to ask “why.” One thing is for sure however is that Revelator will blow you away with a fiery, relentless music led by a voice that is nothing less than transcendent. The light is green, there’s nothing stopping you. Walk through the looking glass with them.

 

Neil Pert, drummer extraordinaire and lyricist for the prog rock band Rush, calls Revelator the single most important musical achievement since the release of the Donovan song Hurdy Gurdy Man. And indeed the diversely influenced sounds of Revelator will seep into your skin and expunge the emollients from the thick residue that the hollow and hurtful aspects of the world leave behind. So gnaw on a disco biscuit, tip back a cold one and let yourself dig it.

 

Soul Fix

http://www.soulfix.com

Soul Fix is the only band this evening that has not been on a Flabby line up before. The fact that they have not broken their Flabby cherry doesn’t mean they aren’t ready to rock your blues into submission with their own unique brand of stylized and profound musical gesticulations. If you aren’t careful, they’ll eat you for lunch and soon you’ll find yourself subconsciously humming their tunes. Before you know it, you’ll be addicted to their love.

 

Chasing September

http://www.myspace.com/chasingseptember

This band has frequently been compared to Donny And Marie Osmond and Michael Bolton. Just kidding of course. Chasing September makes those sugary hacks look like retarded alcoholics on a three day ether bender. Speaking of ether, does anyone know where I can score some? Anyway, back to Chasing September. Their intensity will tear your face off and melt your eyes. Then you and your faceless, eyeless ass will be their bitches.

 

Savitre

http://www.savitre.com

Sav and Co. jumped on the line up late last night to fill a last minute cancellation. That says a lot about the spirit of these rocking riff-meisters. When a lot of other bands shy away from last minute shows, Savitre was happy to join in and viewed it as a great opportunity to do what they love…play music. So get ready to crank it out with this intense, profound and sentient band and lay down your fears at the footsteps of the sanctum of rock and roll baby!

 

The stylish and impressive music of this local tribe of rollicking rockers is as much guts as it is glory. If you’re tired of being a dead-head wannabe, wearing tie-die knock offs, Birkenstocks and expressing your supposed individuality by joining with a social group that imposes an irritating bunch of idioms on you which choke your true personality to death…then this band will set you free. You can go ahead and sniff them too if you want.

 

Salamander Drake

http://www.salamanderdrake.com

Pat Travers of the legendary band Crosby Stills and Hash Oil once called this band the most important band since Dokken. Full of verve, sass and an incredible ability to breathe almost uncontrollably, these people will touch you in the morning and then just walk away. They fill the hole with rock and roll, and ultimately they will subdue your hungry brain and feed it with a snoot full plum tomatoes and grool for some reason.

 

Visionaire

http://www.myspace.com/visionaireband

Think the funk and soul of Parliament with more of a rockin bite to the music and modern day edge to the vocals and you will get an approximation of the sound of Visionaire. There is no truth however to the rumor that Visionaire have pioneered a DNA splicing technique that allows them to combine animals to form things like: a chick-cow for a chicken that gives milk and the gorilla-cat, the half ape/half feline house pet that also gives milk.

 

Sharing Night

www.myspace.com/sharingnight

We proudly announce another first timer to the Flabby Hoffman Caravan is actually a first timer in another way. This would be the first official gig for Sharing Night. We anticipate that you will be “sharing” a uniquely evocative musical experience. Sort of a D.I.Y. Beck with a refreshingly scatological sense of melody and even a twinge of Paul Simon, Sharing Night is a delicious tasty treat that if you aren’t careful you might just become addicted to.

 

The Great Kali

http://www.myspace.com/thegreatkalimusic

Web-stirs Dictionary defines Kali as “the Hindu god of Death and Product Placement that has a dozen human heads in its nut sack functioning as replacement testicles and drinks poison Kool-Aid for breakfast.” The band The Great Kali however is much less reliant on poison drinks and instead relies on a power packed set full of riffs and drive that wont give up until you’re passed out or puking from bouncing around so much. Or perhaps both.

 

GOZER

http://www.theydonthaveawebsiteyet.com

I haven’t heard GOZER yet, not even sure of their style, but I do know that they are cool people and they have put together great music sets in previous musical incarnations. So, since I don’t know much about the band, I will talk about the price of fish in Norway. Commercially in Norway Cod is available for the equivalent of $4.25 a pound, Salmon is about $8.00 a pound and Sea Trout is $3.75. Stay away from the mackerel though, too much mercury.

 

Once this band gets started you’ll think that their name GOZER was chosen because it rhymes with bulldozer which is what their phat jams will make you feel like you’ve been hit with like five minutes into their blistering set. Once they start to dish it out, you’ll feel like a hooker that’s been pounded into the ground within inches of her life by a John with a trouser snake the size of oil tanker. Seriously, you wont be able to walk normal for days.

 

The Future Laureates

http://www.myspace.com/thefuturelaureates

The real tragedy of the diabolical corporations strangling the life out of the music industry is that we get dumped on my an endless stream of promo for heartless and dehumanized creeps like Ashlee Simpson and Billy Joel while cool people like The Laureates are out there building a fresh timbre sensitive musical palette. I guess the rest of the world’s loss is our gain as their jams will wash the taste of a crappy culture out of our mouths.

 

Nova Roma

http://www.myspace.com/novaromarecords

Those that do not get a contact buzz from the bountiful energy that this band is going to toss your way are probably in need of a blood transfusion and might be burdened with a critical level of stupidness and probably should not be allowed by society to procreate or operate any heavy machinery. Because the fact of the matter is, Nova Roma will grab you by the naughty bits and toss you to hither, thither and yar with their smokin’ intensity you dumb bitch!

 

Chris Zonada And The Black Umbrella Brigade

http://www.myspace.com/chriszonada

What can I say about this band that hasn’t already been said. Rolling Stone magazine calls them “a breath of fresh air in a town full of mustard gas.” Sports Illustrated calls them, “a defining and vital cog in the great historical gig which advances the eternal rock and roll timeline.” Chicken Soup For The Soul: Volume Three calls the band “a dynamic feast for the ears of insurmountable bodacious-ness and verve.”

 

Chris Zonada, drives a Granada (or possibly a Miata) to pick up a frittata and a Pina Colada, because he’s gotta jot a sonata down about dancing the Lambada, just like Emil Zapata or Jake LaMotta, while reading about Dada made from a lotta terra cotta and fighting an Entifada, while sailing in a regatta. I think that says it all in a nutshell. BTW, after the show the whole band wants to take you out for snow cones.

 

Haegers Bend

http://www.myspace.com/haegersbend

Life, liberty and the pursuit of Haegers Bend is a dream that the founders of this land forced upon us during the establishment of this country for a reason. Because not only did we build this city on rock and roll, but we built this entire country on rock and roll. And when you listen down to the flavorful riffs and phat slabs of juicy jams of Haegers Bend, you will see why rock and roll has made this country the best place on Earth (even with all the crypto-fascists).

 

Inchworm

http://www.inchwormhole.com

Offering a composite of sounds and vibes seamlessly integrated to form a vibrant palette that is uniquely their own, Inchworm is a band with talent and a musical identity with an approach that has both an urgency and a certain timelessness. Rumors however that the band is giving up music and becoming the hosts of next year’s season of Antiques Roadshow to follow their other area of expertise, appraising antiques, are highly exaggerated bitch. Fah!

 

After The Fight

http://www.afterthefight.com

This is not the musical version of a “chick flick.” With After The Fight you get a blistering slap in the face of scalding hot sweet licks. Fierce and determined, this band is one to be reckoned with. And after After The Fight why not come to the after party, which would be called the after the After The Fight after party. Why it’s guaranteed that people will be hanging from the rafters, which would make it the rafter after the After The Fight…oh, well you get where I’m going with it.

 

Mark Pickerel

http://www.myspace.com/markpickerelandhisprayinghands

In a musical world that is increasingly filled with the aural equivalent of brash and transient pastels bathed in florescence, Mark Pickerel and his cohorts are awash in rich and vibrant earth tones lit by exotic scented candles. He has clearly steered clear of those perverted clowns that prefer their entertainment delivered in pre-packaged easily digestible portions and instead seeks a renaissance of the subtle art of nuance. Excelsior!

 

King Casey Band

http://www.myspace.com/kingcaseyband

The slow groove is a majestic element within the dictionary of rock idioms, and KCB is about to define it for you in its finest form. Lots of bands can pound your skull, melt your face and then toss in a power ballad to make you think they have soul, but the KCB will swirl around you with the intuitive pulse of the slow rock groove from within your chest and you will want to take off your shirt, bust out the body paint and burn a big fatty.

 

Soma Star

http://www.myspace.com/somastar

Soma Star borrows from the experience and savvy of years of local top notch musicians and adds their own special sauce to create a delicious and unique rock and roll feast of the senses. Startling, stunning and energetic, if you don’t have fun listening to them then be afraid because perhaps you’ve become one of those mindless automatons that our culture is churning out so many of. Even if that is the case, could be you’ll learn to love all over again.

 

Master Of None

http://www.myspace.com/mymasterofnone

One things for sure…if you don’t think to yourself “holy sh*t or WTF” at least a half a dozen times during Master Of None’s set then you should seek medical attention because you probably have less brain activity than Terri Schiavo. To say that M.O.N. is on an intense tangent is an understatement. Once in a while people find an idiom in which they can pour every ounce of their essence into defining the true meaning of the word conviction.

 

The world is starved for the type of stuff that Master Of None is about ready to drop on you. Have you been starved to find some music that you can sink your teeth into, then you are about to get all that you can handle. Oblique riffs and eclectic turns of phrase in lesser hands might seem scatological, but Master Of None dominates these idioms and forms them into a strength that few can rival. Plus they look great in a thong!

 

Tap into the power of Master Of None. Once you have heard them they’ll be just like Mastercard…you won’t want to leave home without them. And they’ll be like pork, the other white meat and they’ll fill the hole with Tootsie Roll and get chocolate in your peanut butter. They’re a pepper, she’s a pepper, he’s a pepper…wouldn’t you like to be a pepper too? So have it your way, hold the pickle hold the lettuce…special orders don’t upset us!

 

The Odyssey

http://www.myspace.com/theodysseymusic

This is a band where pure musicianship, showmanship and stylization are mixed in equal parts with the songs themselves to form a performance that is charismatic and, at times, electrifying. The only question is whether or not you the audience member deserves to have such a cool band entertain you. Let’s be honest, I saw the mess you left in the bathroom. And as for all that Peruvian flake you’ve been snorting, did you bring enough for everyone?

 

The sounds of The Odyssey are simply that, a sojourn into the mind of a musical idealism that seeks the eternal greener pastures which no matter how far or how fast you travel always exist beyond the next fence. It is up to the rest of us to realize that the splendor is not in the conclusion, but in the joy of the journey. Additionally after the show the band will be out in the parking lot selling licenses for bribes to truckers and grilling beef shish-kabobs.

 

Undertoad

http://www.undertoad.com

Take a trip with us in slot two of this evening’s show with Undertoad into a bygone old school era when groove was something that drove shows instead of fancy effects and sequenced computer programs. Oh, but your sanctimonious, vapid, emptiness does not begin to cover up for the fact that you are a closeted sexually depraved deviate who lacks the character to be able to enjoy and absorb the juicy musical goodness that Undertoad has to offer.

 

Whisky Dick

http://www.myspace.com/whiskydick

Strap yourselves in and put on your strap-ons for the climax of the evening (in more ways than one). The term “Whisky Dick” means a certain type of impotence derived from the intake of too much alcohol (or in some rare cases having sniffed too much model glue). This band however does not have total allegiance to their title, as their music is not impotent at all and in fact is full of potence. Why not just drink up and jam out and quit bitchin.

 

Main Street Minority

http://www.myspace.com/mainstreetminority

Get set for a high energy blitz of sights and sounds that will start off tonight’s show with a pow right in the kisser. So if you were looking for the musical equivalent of Urkel, with the pizzazz of watching paint dry…then you’ve definitely got the wrong band. M.S.M. will rock you with delight and make your eyes budge out of your skull big time.

 

Kitty Mortland

www.myspace.com/kittymortland

Is Kitty Mortland actually the famous “Mademoiselle Kitty” from the transcendent classic pop song Rock Show from the Venus And Mars album by Wings? No one can say for sure legally, but what can be said is that tonight Kitty will have a set of music for you of intriguingly crafted, intense, vibe oriented jams made of equal parts groove and sentience.

 

The ancient Tutonic Warriors had an expression that went “gravlach oop gardach” which means roughly “chocolate flavored pants suit.” In Asgaard, the Norse Gods used to say “Oop Boppity Derf” which when translated to English means “your pants suit smells like a wet dog with a guilt complex.” How does any of this apply to Kitty Mortland you ask? It doesn’t, but if Tutonic Warriors and Norse Gods were still around they’d dig her music big time.

 

The Fighting Scientists

http://www.myspace.com/thefightingscientists

The cutting edge is the launching point for this band. They frolic where others fear to tread. You, with your filthy adult protective undergarments and your MTV and your Civil War Re-enactments might just sit there like a bunch of brain dead, sell out clones with drool running down your ass crack, but one day you’ll see, this band is the shiznozz.

 

They will take you on a ride through Elysian Fields with a side trip to Valhalla within the first minute of their opening number. Adventure…excitement…a Jedi craves not these things, however the Flabby Hoffman show does and the Fighting Scientists have got that to spare. Fresh off of their stunning upset loss in the World Cup finals to Italy after their lead guitarist head butted a player, the Scientists are hungry to jam the anger out of their system.

 

Cut And Run

http://www.myspace.com/cutandrunmusic

The evening builds to a fitting climax with this band of hard charging, ass spanking, rip roaring band of hungry and scrappy post punk rockers. If you do not get off on these guys, then you clearly need to see a doctor because it is very likely that you are clinically brain dead. Even if you are brain dead, it is very probable that if you stick around long enough that Cut and Run’s explosive set will be enough to shake you out of your drool filled stupor.

 

Red Letter Kill

http://www.myspace.com/redletterkillband

The ancient Tutonic Warriors had an expression that went “Nug, Nug Bleh, Bleh (vomit) Derf Doo Derf Doo Derpity Doo” which means roughly “those with big nuts make great peanut butter.” In Asgaard, the Norse Gods used to say “Ich Bin Ein Berliner” which when translated to English means “your sister smells like a wet dog with a guilt complex.” How does it apply to Red Letter Kill? It doesn’t, they will however melt your face big time.

 

Hot Hot Robot

Prepare for a blast in the face of pure power and unblemished energy. You will be transported away to a world where flying Norsemen carry flaming swords into battle against monsters, dragons and divorcees on a crusade to rid the world of everything they feel a sense of repulsion from such as: New Coke, razors with 4 or more blades, edible jock straps, ham and cheese omelets, perky nipples, the bastard child of 10,000 maniacs and all NASCAR fans.

 

Adam Gehle Group

There are few certain things in this world, but what can be said is that people like you are unfit and unworthy of seeing a band as cool as Adam Gehle. You’re the type of person that enjoys long walks in the sewage distillation plant, cleaning their undercarriage using undocumented migrant workers, eating the leftovers that they reject for use in the manufacture of hot dogs and you think even after all these years that Goldie Hawn is still hot.

 

Are you tired of all the toxins that life in the big city dumps on you from day to day? Exhausted by the dull ache of being sucked dry by the various leeches who make it their business to exploit you to serve their own needs and extravagances? Well why not try a healthy dose of Adam Gehle Group? Within the first rollicking song, they will be kicking your blues to the curb and make you forget all about the robber barons and bastards of this world.

 

Learn to feel all over again with the Adam Gehle Group. He and his compatriots will take their various influences and blend them up into an electric mélange of driving coolness. But you don’t have to take my word for it, why not listen to these unsolicited endorsements: “they made me learn to feel all over again” – Ernest Borgnine; “I laughed, I cried, I fell in love all over again” – Guns and Ammo Magazine; “Who are they” – Richard Nixon.

 

Brother Noompsi

www.myspace.com/brothernoompsi

The music of tonight’s headliner, Brother Noompsi, can be summed up in one word…“groovulicious.” The problem has always been that any time you say anything about anything it sums up the knowledge gained from the past. Even when you speak of the future of things, you can only use a perspective gained through that which leads up to the present. Our goal should be to speak only of the future using knowledge of the future’s future.

 

Last

www.myspace.com/lastchicago

There is only one word to describe the feeling of what happens to someone after they have heard the music of Last: “Electrofried!” Lots of bands pussyfoot around and expect everyone to kiss their ass for just showing up. With Last, they never phone it in. Why do you think they call themselves Last anyway? I’m not sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was cause they are the last band you’ll ever need. If you don’t dig it, then something’s wrong with you.

 

Tonight Last is first. And with the game on the line, we’ll watch in stunned silence as Last drives their wild jams like a drive by the golden boy Joe Montana leading his team down the gridiron on a last minute come from behind score in the final seconds for the big win. Vince Lombardi once said “winning isn’t everything…it’s the only thing.” Not that that means anything, it’s just a quote that I know. This band however will make a “Last-ing” impression.

 

Sunny Wheat

http://www.myspace.com/sunnywheatmusic

You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your nose. You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish…but the tunes and performance of Sunny Wheat will inspire you so much that you will be able to pick a tuna. Learn to fall in love all over again…get inspired.

 

Jim Mullin

http://www.myspace.com/jim1floodritual

Get lost with Mr. M. down a dynamic highway strewn with raw emotions, energy and passion. While others become a victim to the daily grind, Jim has simply found a way to add a groove to it. Not only will he rock your ass off nine ways from Sunday, but he’s now taking a correspondence course from the Langley Online School Of Surgical Science and later after the show he’ll perform any surgery for only $99.95 out in the parking lot.

 

The Infamous Ashley St. Ives

http://www.myspace.com/theinfamousashleystives

Rock-a-docious feast for the hungry rock freak inside us all. They will blast through the blues, power through the new age crap and melt your face with a blinding array of riffs and grooves. Are you man enough to take it? Do you have the balls?

 

Whip Cream And Cherries

http://www.myspace.com/whipcreamandcherriesmusic

Kind of garage/post punk/classic rock/blues based jams that make the poseur rock bands around town sound like they are playing elevator music. So if you like your music pre-chewed and prissy…why don’t you make like a banana and split.

 

Amanda Williams

http://www.myspace.com/amandawilliamsmusic

The sublime song stylings of Amanda take the idiom of the singer/songwriter to its ultimate expression. With equal doses of power and humanity, her music has enough power to not only make a big impression on you…but even change who you are.

 

Graphic Nature

http://www.myspace.com/graphicdeephabits

The jams are old school, the message is positive and Graphic Nature is go! Give these guys a beat and a mike and that’s all they need to turn even the most droll and boring of get togethers into an outrageous party with “bad ass” written all over it. Dig it baby!looking

 

If you want to have your face torn off or melted down like that villain in the first Indiana Jones movie, then you are in luck because this is your band. They will grab you by the nuggets and eat you for lunch. And then they will crap you out and you will flow down the Chicago River where various elements of you will form part of the river bed only to be eaten again, this time by ravenous mutant catfish. After that who knows, maybe a trip to Cabo.

 

Combining forces and primordial strengths that are not often found in such ample quantities, Graphic Nature with work the mid-section of the those that get in the way of the perfect human condition with the force of their words, thoughts and indomitable spirit. And you will feel and get a sense of their intensity from the word go and if you don’t then you are in a limbo so deep and desensitized that you just might be a robot/cyborg rather than a human.

 

Odd Shaped Pieces

Sure I could tell you all about what I think of the music of this band so that you can project what your reaction should be. But that’s a form of selling out. In order to find out what we want, we need to research a whole variety of choices. To find out about these choices, we don’t need to listen to the opinions of others. All mainstream opinions are corrupted by right wing media anyway. Just dig things for yourself you zombie and quit acting like a sheep.

 

Fetch

http://www.myspace.com/fetch

Here is a band informed by a post punk European flavor with modern day sensibilities. You’ll catch their groove faster than John Travolta playing the role of “The Boy In The Plastic Bubble” would have caught typhus while on a transatlantic voyage in the keel of a life sized replica of the Cutty Sark. So why not lets all cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war for a little while and let Fetch metaphorically tap all our asses with their wild fricassee of music.

 

The Rikters

http://www.myspace.com/therikters

Hearing this band is more fun than riding a mechanical bull with a Tickle Me Elmo doll stuffed down your pants, more exciting than defeating an army of cyber-dingoes as they besiege the University Of Colorado at Bolder, more triumphant than having a torrid tryst with the headless torso of Jayne Mansfield and more bewildering than a trip to Bed Bath and Beyond. Only a prissy little whelp with the constitution of a gnat wouldn’t get off on their jams.

 

Last week The Rikters were honored by the Guiness Book Of Records for having counted more gold ball dimples than any other trio in the history of Chicago’s northwest side. When not honing their considerable skills at itemizing the indentations in things, they are brutalizing the delicate sensibilities of the rock and roll non-believers with their bawdy jams and beefy riffs, converting them all to life long fanatics. Touch their monkey!

 

Likquid Loski

http://www.myspace.com/likquidloski

The party keeps rollin with the sounds from 4 Deep in the form of Nitty and Likquid Loski. If their jams are anywhere near as cool as their names then we are looking at havin a blast with our final acts of the evening. Tap into the groove!

Noodles Nixin

I don’t know much about Noodles Nixin…so I’ll take this space to talk about Richard Nixon. He was, in my opinion, a Nazi operative who was looking to gain enough power to destroy the United States. And that is exactly what he and his followers did.

 

B-Vax

Gripping lyrics, groovy licks and a deep respect for his place in the pantheon of musical giants that have paved the way musically for all of us are the hallmarks of the B-Vax sound. So why not get up off your seat…and on your feet and let the music do the talking.

 

Mr. Russia

http://www.mrrussia.net

If a pulsing and pounding band that gives you a thrill ride every time out of the box is your idea of a good time, then you will get your money’s worth and more with Mr. Russia. You might even find yourself in a state of transference where you impose your thoughts of joy and pleasure onto them. Then you’ll start snarfing up the merch and decorating your living room with life sized cutouts of the band and throwing Mr. Russia parties every goddamn day.

 

Prepare for a musical version of crystal meth, 120 proof whiskey and nitrous combined. Some bands get a thrill pretending to be rock stars but there are only a few that can really pull it off for real. Mr. R is one of those bands. So when you want steak, why mess with rump roast when you can have filet. Mr. R is 100% grade A choice cut…you stupid bitch!

 

Moses Cleveland

http://www.myspace.com/mosesclevelandband

A very organically driven band where the music sounds very lived in and comfortable within its own skin so to speak. Over all they make music that sounds mature beyond its true age, stylized within its own idiom. The only problem left is whether you have escaped all the trappings of a society bent on turning you into a vanilla robot with their Jessica Simpsons and Reba McIntyres to really gravitate towards the honest music these guys make.

 

Detagoh

www.detagoh.com

Detagoh’s chief weapon is an understated depth that drives their powerful songwriting…hmmm, wait a second. Let’s try that again. Detagoh’s chief 2 weapons are understated depth and powerful songwriting which contribute to their inspired performances. Wait…one more time. Detagoh’s chief 3 weapons are understated depth…nuts, I’m out of space!

 

Bullet Called Life

http://www.myspace.com/bclrock

Those of you that have yet to see Bullet Called Life in action are going to be kicking your own asses at all the time you’ve wasted that you could have been digging the vastly cool dynamic vibe riddled riffs of these stealthy rockers. You might not be drinking acid laced wine out of a brown jug and hanging out at a three day festival of organic driven bands, selling pot holders made out of hemp for booze money, but you’ll feel like you are.

 

Blackdog

http://www.myspace.com/yourblackdog

Prepare to have your engines revved up and you furnace stoked as Blackdog has only one gear: overdrive! In fact, this band jams so hard that it has been proven in a clinical study by Masters & Johnson that when people are exposed to their music that men’s one eyed wonder weasels grow over an inch and a half and women’s bustlines increase by one and a half cup sizes. Check tomorrow and you will be pleasantly enhanced with slightly juicier tidbits.

 

The Ashland Saints

http://www.myspace.com/theashlandsaints

Dorks, nerds, dweebs and poseurs beware. Ashland Saints are here to purge the deep rooted poison from your psyches and give you frigid bitches the kick in the pants that you all richly deserve. They will pounce on you with their righteous licks and pound all the blues away with their authentic approach to a modern version and unique take on classic rock that will have you dancing around and wanting to have each and every one of their babies.

 

Red City

www.myspace.com/redcitychicago

Tired of hearing about all the crap in the world like warrantless wire tapping, secret torture camps, fascist police states, lead paint in children’s toys, dogs eating pregnant women’s fetuses, interspecies marriages, toxic mercury in sexual lubricant, gay boy scout troupe leaders, Ohio State University, the Olsen Twins, the Fox Network, the skyrocketing cost of lap dances and the end of Joe Camel ads? So I am. Fortunately Red City is here to rock us into shape.

 

This band’s gigantic sound will kick your ass so hard that by the end of their set your ass will look the inside of an open umbrella. Your ass will be kicked so hard that it will get a callous and become hard as plexiglass. Your ass will be kicked so hard that Richard Gere wont be able to stuff anything up it even if he wanted to. Your ass will be kicked so hard that your relatives will get black and blue. Well I think you get the idea…asses will be kicked.

 

Syrup Eddies

http://www.myspace.com/syrupeddies

The rumors are that the band Syrup Eddies all were dazzling urbanites that decided to move out into the sticks and become farmers like in the TV show Green Acres as being the source of their unique blend of highly attuned sensitivity marbled with generous veins of gritty Americana are all untrue. Actually they were forced to adopt their evocative and organic style after having lost a bar bet to the Queen Of The Musical Genre Society back in 1983.

 

Monk Mobley

http://www.myspace.com/monkmobleyproductions

Some bands do things like drink milk straight out of the carton and put it back, leave the toilet seat up and waterboard the in-laws at Burning Man…but Monk Mobley would never indulge in these practices. They’re too busy with blistering riffs, smoking licks and driving tunes to waste their time with such lowbrow antics. Why not congratulate them after their wailing set by running up afterwards and giving them a supportive pat on the ass.

 

Monk is out to prove something at, what it believed to be by most of the looky lou’s and rubbernecks, their first gig. Will the overly self righteous, God complexed, ankle grabbing, brown nosing sell outs in the literati of the local musical scene approve and kiss Monk’s asses just so they can say they told us so way back when? Probably. The rest of us know that Monk is here to jam ass and chew bubble gum. And they’re all out of bubble gum…biotch!

 

An electrifying band that is hungry to melt your juicy brain with their strident powerful licks. If you don’t take my word for it, listen to the views of these famous personalities: “Monk Mobley rocked so hard that it felt like I was having my head crushed in by a stampede of water buffalo” – Joan Rivers; “Monk Mobley is the shiznozz.” – Dolly Parton; “Monk Mobley has more spunk than Richard Gere on Groundhog Day.” – Antonio Banderas

 

The Electric Medicine

http://www.myspace.com/theelectricmedicine

During the Vietnam War back in 1968, The Electric Medicine was criticized for playing during the riots at the Chicago Democratic Convention and forming the White Panther Party much to the chagrin of the powers that be who had various agent provocateurs infiltrate their shows and systematically destroyed the movement from within by a series of fifth column activities…oh, wait a second. I’m sorry that was MC5. Dig it anyway!

 

Fedora

http://www.myspace.com/fedorafolk

If music was an experiment, and you were the petri dish, then Fedora would be the result of an experiment to find an elixir that can wipe all your blues away with a single dose. How will you react to this discovery? Will you sweep in like some giant pharmaceutical corporation and parse out the cure in dribs and drabs while the masses suffer, or will you take your cure to the people and spread the intrinsic goodness to one and all. What will you do?

 

Samantha Cathcart

http://www.myspace.com/samanthacathcartmusic

Are you tired of having your brain and your heart locked away behind a shadowy wall of doom and despair constructed and painted by the powers that be to look like real life without any of the soul? If you are why not have a listen to Samantha and her band for a bit. She will chisel a hole in the thing so you can look through to the other side and see what life really should be like. And who knows, maybe the whole darn thing will crumble someday.

 

Color Radio

http://www.myspace.com/colorradio

An electrifying band that is hungry to melt your juicy brain with their strident powerful licks. If you don’t take my word for it, listen to the views of these famous personalities: “Seeing Color Radio is more fun than having hard core grudge sex with the Homecoming Queen anonymously on numerous occasions in the ass…and in the mouth.” – Sarah Palin; “Color radio is a rock and roll juggernaut.” – TV’s Doogie Hauser, Neil Patrick Harris

 

Arch Visceral Parlor

http://www.myspace.com/archvisceralparlor

An electrifying band that is hungry to melt your juicy brain with their strident powerful licks. If you don’t take my word for it, listen to the views of these famous personalities: “Arch Visceral Parlor is like having your cake and eating it to…and saving one piece to shove up your ass.” – Katherine Hepburn; “Arch Visceral Parlor has come to kick ass and chew bubble gum…and they’re all out of bubble gum.” – Rowdy Roddy Piper, wrestler.

 

Red Denizen

http://myspace.com/reddenizen

Red Denizen is often confused with MC5 because of their enthusiastic desire to play at festivals held during riot infested national political conventions. But as it turns out, that is only a popularly held misconception of their true identity. Additionally they are not the lady in the polka dot dress, nor are they the Kwisatz Haderach, or even the flat foot floogie with the floy floy. But I could go on all night about the things they are not. And then what, eh?

 

Dig if you will the picture, of you and Red Denizen sharing a kiss. The sweat of your body covers them, can you picture this? Taste their luscious musical beef kabobs of hot and potentially lethal level of blood and guts rock and roll. If you don’t get off on their jams then you probably have less personality than Eric Clapton’s baby after he fell out the window. Will you know their name, if you saw Red Denizen in heaven? Shut up and sit down!

 

Brave Ulysses

http://www.myspace.com/braveulyssesmusic

In a world where the B.S. is kept out of mainstream media and the true believers are allowed to have their work see the light of day, Brave Ulysses would be at the top of the heap. Crafty music that rocks your nugget without plowing through it with a crudely fashioned pick axe with nuclear tipped barbs and other misc. poison extrusions. You wont come away from one of their shows the same type of useless phony you showed up as that’s for sure.

 

The Innervisionists

http://www.myspace.com/innervisionists

The problem with seeing the InnerVisionists isn’t that you get a face full of grooves and righteous lyrics that spit out like anthems in the making in a rapid fire torrent. The problem isn’t that you’ll find your booty moving non-stop to the bottomless well of the delicious funkified jams. No, the problem is that once you’re done seeing and listening down to them, you’ll be so spoiled that all the other bands you see will seem like useless piles of crap.

 

These are challenging times for all of us. After so long of being virtually plugged into the world through a media driven indoctrination device, it is unlikely that we will have the strength and the mental acuity to do anything besides watch the Red Chinese bone the entire world. But the Innervisionists are profound exponents of a new creative impulse fueled by a electrifying groove that has inspiration to spare and who knows. Maybe it’ll catch on.

 

A Modern Bison

http://www.myspace.com/amodernbison

Although their themes and influences span an uncanny diverse palette, they come together in a way that will send your senses spinning upwards to a new plateau. Cosmopolitan lists the music of A Modern Bison as one of the Top 100 Ways To Spice Up A Night With That Special Someone (March 2010 issue). Plus that supposed gaff with Bruno landing in A Modern Bison’s lap at the People’s Choice Awards last month was a publicity stunt.

 

Dr. V

http://www.drvchicago.com

The doctor is in as they say and you will inevitably be giving yourself over to his care as he and his groovy band uses their savvy licks and grooves to cure your blues. You’ll be on your feet every second from the moment they begin until they finish, and not just because the venue has no chairs, but because you can’t help yourself. And here’s one for you ladies. After the set, he will teach you all how to check him for a hernia. All you have to do is ask.

 

So you think that “lite” music is transcendent, the performers that win American Idol are dynamic and you think hate anything that’s colorful and different…then you should go to Branson Missouri and check out the Andy Williams show. You’ll have a blast. But if you’re one of the few people left that are hungry for crafty licks and cleaver lyrics delivered with true conviction, then Dr. V is right in your wheelhouse. The rest of you can suck it.

 

Gun Hat

http://www.myspace.com/gunhat

Playing music that would make a great addition to a drive down a long stretch of road on a Sunday afternoon with the top down, away from all the hustle and bustle of the workaday world, Gun Hat capture a feel with their smooth take on Americana. You’ll be thinking lemonade, county fairs and life at a more comfortable pace. Be careful for the culture shock when they finish their set though, because unfortunately the real world is a bitch and a half.

 

The Workhorse Kings

http://www.myspace.com/workhorsekings

Interlacing various grooves and riffs with strident melodies and bombastic stylings is in store whenever these guys are around. Their music is angular and full of power, but never loses sight of the juicy pockets. So why not live a little, color outside the lines. Isn’t it about time that you indulged yourself in something with a little more depth than your average mainstream indoctrination devices allow you to experience. Jeez, you are such a clone.

 

Pennal Johnson

http://www.myspace.com/pennal

If you’re not blown away by the musicianship and brilliant talent of Pennal Johnson…if you don’t say to yourself things like “OMG,” “Amazing” or “Where did this guy come from” multiple times throughout his set, then you’re either not paying attention, you’re not playing with a full deck or you need to go get your ears checked. Alright, I’ll come right out and say it…if this band doesn’t blow your mind, then there is something wrong with your mind.

 

The Euphoric

http://www.myspace.com/theeuphoric

The incendiary band MC5 referred to The Euphoric as one of their top influences citing their heavy duty incendiariness and their willingness to play under harsh conditions such as riot strewn political conventions and NFL punt, pass and kick competitions. Recently they’ve given up their political ambitions to concentrate on their incendiariness more. While most think it’s the wrong thing to do, the fact is…most people are dummies. Just like you!

 

Liquid Sex Pigeon

http://www.notsurewhattheirwebsiteis.org

I’ve never heard this band, but my guess is they will kick your ass nine ways to Sunday and make you beg for more. You’ll open wider than the trailer trash slut that you got your first slice of poonaner from on a double dare from the other 5th graders. You took a picture of it so it would last longer and said things like “I know you are, but what am I” and “I’m rubber and you’re glue and what bounces off me sticks to you” like a winey little bitch.

 

Raw Footage

http://www.myspace.com/rawfootagebandmusic

Here is a band that is geared and primed to grab every ounce of gusto life has to offer. In addition to making some of the grooviest music you can find anywhere at any level of the cultural landscape and employing a profound sense of “can do” attitude to everything they try, Raw Footage was also the first band to have ever spent any significant time doing shuttle diplomacy to help defrag the crisis in South Ossetia last year when the Russians invaded Georgia.

 

Have you lost all your zest for life? Do you feel drained, demoralized, used, and frustrated? Don’t worry, because with Raw Footage in the drivers seat, all your blues will melt away like so much butter on warm toast. That empty hole in your chest where your heart used to be will refill and pump along with the raucous grooves and dynamic performances of the Footage. Now if we could only do something about the empty hole in your skull. Kidding!

 

Some bands just go through the motions and rely on a public at large being perpetually dulled down and insensitive. How else would one explain the careers of Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson and others of that plastic ilk. Well with Raw Footage, you get a raucous party every time out of the box. In fact, once you’ve tasted a slice of these guys, you’ll be insatiable for more of their relentless energy and dynamism. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

 

There is only one word to describe tonight’s headliner and that word is “Ginormous.” Their sound is huge, born from a dynamic impulse that fuels a party just like a radio-isotope powers a nuclear reactor. Only with this band, there is no waste. It’s a high octane vision of a world where ever party rocks, everybody gets funky and boundaries blend into one intense rhythm. It’s more fun than a barrel of coked up gargoyles with a gallon of Astroglide.

 

6 To 9

http://www.myspace.com/fnpsixtonine

Rockin and grooving like nobody’s business is what 6 to 9 is all about. But you’d better make it your business, because if you don’t then everybody is gonna start looking at you like you belong on the short bus. In fact, you might actually belong on the short bus. You know what, 6 to 9 is too much band for you. The truth is you deserve a whole lot less. You can make up for it by cheering your ass off for them and giving them a handy in the parking lot.

 

Here is a band with a lot of gusto and can do attitude. Also gumption, hunger, rapaciousness, thirst, craving, aspirations and nerve. Think about the courage that it takes knowing the odds in the rock biz are a billion to one against someone actually making it. What with 9 out of every 10 bands falling victim to addiction on such drugs as Mescaline or Herbal Ecstasy only to wind up homeless and dry humped by Nick Nolte…it takes the guts of a warrior.

 

Killing Revolutions

http://www.myspace.com/killingrevolutions

Once these guys get down to business you’ll be shaking your head and saying “damn…these magnificent bastards are rocking my balls off (especially you ladies). Because this music is hotter than a polar bear in the middle of the Sahara Desert. You might even find yourself sexually attracted to them so much that after the show you’ll try to construct a lifesized replica of their taints. And then you’ll walk around with their taint in your mouth hole.

 

Charlie Pierce

http://www.myspace.com/charliepierce

Charlie was scouted and booked by the club, so technically he is not part of the Flabby Caravan, but I checked out his site and his tunes, and clearly Charlie offers a potent musical intensity. His music speaks from a place that is very human. Why not run up to him after his set and offer him a full body massage. It’s about time you did something nice for someone. A lot of people have been talking lately about how you’ve become such a selfish bitch.

 

The Heavies

http://www.myspace.com/theheaviesrock

This band is so hot and so much fun that they will melt your face and force you to eat your own mouth. Then without face or mouth you will be compelled to walk down to the lakefront and build a giant wicker man effigy in the likeness of a certain unnamed diabolical fascist American dictator and set it aflame and use the flame to both light your farts and make s’mores replacing your gall bladder for marshmallows in the recipe. Believe it bitch!

 

Legs Akimbo

http://www.myspace.com/legsakimboband

Are you turned on by outrageous bands who play a combination of speed metal and baroque styled chamber music while shrieking banshee women flagellate themselves with thorn covered switches pulled from a dark and foreboding thicket from deep within an ominous untamed corner of the Black Forest? Too bad, cause Legs Akimbo forges a musical style that combines smooth grooves, great hooks and solid musicianship into a fun musical party.

 

Plankton

http://www.myspace.com/plankton

If prog/art rock is your thing, then you are going to get a mouthful of it with this profoundly creative band. If that style of music is not your cup of tea, then I suggest you go stick a broomstick up your ass, go hang out at the ticket booth over at Wrigley Field and have sex with your family pet. Because a foam dome like you deserves to dump all your disposable income into a pile of B.S. like the Cubbies and to get a piece of tail from something with a tail.

 

Before The Sun

http://www.myspace.com/beforethesunband

Hard rockin, balls out music is in store for you in all its riff-a-licious goodness. The problem is that you can’t handle it. Unfortunately you are a mincing little cream puff with an undying devotion to such musical vomit as Toto and Menudo. Don’t worry though. All you need is a dose of Before The Sun and all will be fine. Your journey to self discovery will commence and be completed and you’ll wonder how you ever got along without them. Bitch!

 

O’Neill And Wean

http://www.myspace.com/BillyOneillDanWean

Once in a while a collision of truly organic musical elements occurs resulting in a creation of true resonant honesty and passion. What is remarkable about O’Neill and Wean is that they effortlessly create this in a world where nearly every single thing is steeped in its own self awareness. Rumors that they have stumbled across a porthole into the brain of John Malkovich like in the movie are untrue. It’s a porthole into Pat Sajak’s brain.

 

Digable Cat

http://www.digablecat.com

Digable’s sound is regal and powerful…like a bald eagle made out of wind and memory. Drawing from a diverse musical palette to create a profound musical spectrum is not all they’re good at however. Next year they’re slated to star in the Broadway revival of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Also in the works is an unauthorized autobiography, a guest shot on the Teletubbies show and their own Ben And Jerry’s flavor: “Digable Garcia.”

 

The Guiness Book of World Records lists Digable Cat as the first band to ever perform in 3-D. Digable will escort your musical perspective to a higher plateau with their captivating, singular and dynamic music. And don’t tell them that I told you…but they are your Secret Santa for the office holiday party. Join in the rapidly growing movement to enlist Digable to run for U.S. Congressman in the 2006 elections…or don’t you supercilious fop.

 

Mattithias And The Stereo Expanders

http://www.myspace.com/mattithias

Since ancient times, man has sought new ways to increase potentency in the boudoir. Tinctures, potions, pharmaceutical quaaludes…many tried, but none succeeded. A sure fire cure for what ails you is available. Yes, it’s Mattithias And The Stereo Expanders. Not only will they rock you and roll you into a raucous frenzy, but after listening to them your potency will skyrocket and you will become…a demon in the sack.

 

This band leave you feeling your listening to a super group D.I.Y. version including members of The Stooges and Velvet Underground as they rip their way through their music like they have something to prove with every chord. A word to the wise however for even the most passive, syphilis infested, brain dead, sell outs will be left soaking wet from their set and in sheer exhaustion. Don’t say I didn’t warn you…bitch.

 

Doug Travis

http://www.myspace.com/dougtravis

This band will come at you from so many directions that it will send your head spinning around like a groove windmill in a riff hurricane. If you are looking for bland music that plays into powerless provincial preconceived prescribed perimeters you will be sorely disappointed. In fact after their set you will be sore anyway as they will spank you with their immense intensity and give you a taste of the business end of their blunderbuss. You are a bitch!

 

Poverty Tax

http://www.myspace.com/povertytax

Some bands take to the middle of the road like a turd takes to the bottom of a shoe…expunging all the conflict and drama from their music in to accommodate the needs of the dehumanized marketing wonks who control the music business. Listening to Poverty Tax you’ll believe that only their own musical vision is in the mix. It plays like its all about the journey, not the destination. So grab your ankles and let them tap into your true gusto.

 

United Secrets Of America

http://www.myspace.com/theunitedsecretsofamerica

Once this band starts playing one thing that wont be secret anymore is how much this band rocks. Everyone will be united in their opinion that they rock. So get your air guitars ready and your fists-a-pumpin cause if you aren’t jumpin and shouting from their set then you might seriously be in a coma. There’s no doubt that at this juncture that it is time to jump on the bandwagon now before the damn thing gets full…bitch!

In the year 1776 the Founding Fathers brought forth upon this land, a nation conceived in injustice and inequity. They called it the United States of…oops, sorry wrong dillio! The United SECRETS of America is a thunderous band that’ll rock you and shake you until you wake up and see the world for what it really is…Squaresville baby!

 

Autumn In Analog

http://www.myspace.com/autumninanalog

Spring to life with Autumn. If you do not dig the musical and creative tapestry of A.I.N. then you might in all honesty have a screw loose. For this band is on a mission to use their divergent and singular sonic intuitions to build a wall of sound. Breathe in the daring and kinetic sounds. Only a brainless, mouth breathing square with a fixation on Lindsay Lohan, a penchant for Jerry Springer and the music of Ashlee Simpson wouldn’t dig it.

 

Our psychotropic E Ticket Ride through the sound of your imagination continues with band 3 for the show. All I can suggest is to have some Vitamin B and downers nearby in case the trip gets too heavy or you might wind up with a brain more vegetized than Brian Wilson and drooling like a fly in the middle of regurgitational ingestion. Make sure you choose a designated driver to wear earmuffs so that he does not get a contact high.

 

New Jersey

www.myspace.com/newjerseyisbonjovi

You might give love a bad name, but New Jersey wont give you a bad time. Their commitment to excellence is only matched by their desire to rock. You of course don’t deserve such incredible entertainment as you are a brain dead mouth breathing moron whose ignorance is only surpassed by their obnoxiousness. I’m just kidding, you know I love you. I’m just jealous that you are giving the high hard one to my sister (even if she is a bitch).

 

Jason Kluss And The Gentlemen Callers

www.jasonkluss.net

You’re off on holiday in some godforsaken third world dump like Haiti, Somalia, Vatican City or Pittsburgh and some half crazed lunatic professional Liza Minelli celebrity impersonator steals your wallet, your passport and your family pet’s anal cherry. What are you going to do? Call up Jason Kluss and the Callers who will come bail you out, council the pet and then rock your ass off…rock it off big time. You dumb bastard.

 

Lorcan Miller

http://www.myspace.com/lorcanmiller

Low key things can be intense. Examples or what I mean are things like the delicate shading on David Bowie’s anus after getting his salad tossed by the dog from the Air Bud movies and Al Pacino, having sex with a jar of peanut butter or the nuanced timbres and brave coloraturas from the profound music talents of Lorcan Miller. Last summer at band camp I shoved a goldfish up my pee hole and it lived for 4 days off the sweet nectar of my amber juice.

 

John Michaels And The Invisible Dogs

www.johnmichaels.net

Many people don’t know that this band was formed as part of a production effort to shoot a TV show pilot called “Johnny Tango and the Spider Monkeys Sniff Model Glue And Take Methaqualone While Punching An Éclair And Giving Mother Theresa’s Cadaver The William Tell Treatment In The Sequoia National Forest With Their Tongue Hanging Out.” The pilot did not get picked up. They will however rock you.

 

Big Sneak

www.myspace.com/bigsneakmusic

Big Sneak will rock you so hard it would be like an NFL punter kicking you in the nuts for a week solid. And then stepping on your nuts with cleats on. And then putting your nuts through a wood chipper like that greasy Euro Trash dude did to Steve Buscemi at the end of the movie Fargo and then taking your desiccated nuts and having Oprah Winfrey use it as an enema. So why don’t you do yourself a favor and let them toss your salad or something bitch.

 

Karma’s Agent

www.myspace.com/karmasagent

Most people go through life choosing not to see the options available and the various perspectives available in life beyond the matrix. They close their eyes to the subtleties and deep thoughts that drive and define the human cause. Instead they choose to be dumb bastards, seeking the path of the greatest comfort and blindly accepting how life is and not what it could be. Those useless panty waists are not fit to kiss Karma Agent’s jock strap…bitch!

 

Fear Of A Unified Dakota

http://www.myspace.com/fearofaunifieddakota

High energy proto-punk lashing out at the nearest phony as a matter of principle is the means of conveyance for this prodigiously powerful outfit. And speaking of outfits, tonight Fear Of A Unified Dakota will be wearing outfits designed by the new Victoria’s Secret For Men. Under their clothes they will all be wearing crotchless jock straps.

 

Hooley 777

http://www.myspace.com/hooly777

There is a sensory explosion in the midst of Hooly 777’s mix of quasi-industrial/electronica/virtuostic guitar soloing soundscapes. It’ll draw you into a pastiche world not unlike a musical chiaroscuro of sorts. Speaking of chiaroscuro, there’s a rumor that legendary “Coochie, Coochie” girl Charo will be jumping up on stage with him to shake her maracas.

 

Mark Minelli

If feeling things in a direct and pure way, reflecting those emotive conditions through an honest and introspective prism is not your bag, then Mark Minelli is not going to float your boat. However, if you’re a brainless wonder, lost in your own selfishness, hell bent on selling out and drowning in a world full of white bread milk toast plastic minded crapola, then who cares what you like anyway. The rest of us will be digging some Mark Minelli.

 

Stealing Love Jones

If digging and grooving on fun alternative jams loaded with great riffs and hooks isn’t your thing, then you might not get off too much on Stealing Love Jones. You probably can’t wait for Jessica Simpson’s next record and you sit around all day thinking why you can’t find yourself a nice guy like Lance Bass or a nice girl like Justin Timberlake to take all your cares away so that you never have to think about anything til your soul is destroyed.

 

Loaded

If brain blasting, face melting, rip roaring chops is your cup of tea, then kick back a few beers and dig the hot music of Loaded. If however you think that Air Supply and Supertramp are awesome and you think the best song of all time is either Macarena or Achy Breaky Heart, and you are glad that Journey is back together but your just sad that they don’t have Steve Perry anymore…then you should probably go home and listen to your Kathy Lee Gifford CD’s.

 

Hooly 777

http://www.myspace.com/hooly777

 

Lost In Blue

http://www.myspace.com/lostinblue

Harkening back to a day when quality instrumentation meant something, Lost In Blue has got dazzling riffs, chops and licks to spare. The phrase “jaw dropping bad assed jam monsters” gets bandied about way too much, however the shoe definitely fits for these fellahs. Speaking of shoes, why not take yours off and stick your foot up my ass.

 

The Minor League

http://www.myspace.com/corytheminorleague

The forgotten discipline of timbre will be on full display tonight with The Minor League. Listen to what it is like to have the soulful sounds of someone that cares about truly expressing themselves. Fact is, you’ve been programmed with pre-digested, vapid, emotionless drivel for so long that you probably wont even know what to do with it. So clear your mind from the socialization. Release the baggage and jump on in…the water’s fine.

 

Jeremy Miller

http://www.myspace.com/listenherefriend

Something of a modern day troubadour, Jeremy’s music is much like an unfolding story that reflects his unique perspective in ways that cannot be denied or minimized because they are immediately recognizable as his version of the truth. Of course if you are one of those human ostriches that live with their heads buried in the sand and their hearts stuck in molasses, then you wont get it at all. If you are that type of person, you should go listen to Q101.

 

A Guy Named Ken

www.myspace.com/aguynamedken

Long time multi-talented musician showcasing as a one man band in the vein of Trent Reznor with a wider set of diverse musical influences. If you can’t dig things like versatility, musical integrity and dynamic intensity, maybe you should bail and wait for the defense contractors at General Electric who own half the media or those satanic bastards at Clear Channel to shove Ashlee Simpson down your throat some more you useless brain dead bastard.

 

Is It What It Is

http://www.isitwhatitis.com/iiwii

Sure IIWII is best known for their hot steamy love scene with Meg Ryan in the movie Willie Wanker And The Sexual Chocolate Factory, but they are also a vibrant and talented band of hungry and inspired musicians. You know the day destroys the night, night divides the day, tried to run, tried to hide…break on through to Is It What It is…oh, yeah!!!

 

Winter

www.myspace.com/winterchicago

Modern rock with a linear perspective. Their style is dark and oblique in its origins, but is formulated through a clear lens as to be accessible and moving right from the get go. The problem isn’t what they have to offer, the problem is what you are ready to accept. Are you going to act like some cloistered little prissy and run off to momma and hide in the folds of her enormous abdominal flap or are you going to step up to the plate and dig the dusky groove?

 

Few people capture the intense depth of musical expression that Winter seems to effortlessly embody. Fact is however that after years of having our culture impose a practice of our being apathetic and stoic all the time, you might not be ready to be liberated. Now that you are a bitch for the pre-packaged, pre-digested bubble gum crap from the mainstream media, Winter might be too much for you. You might not be ready, but they are ready for you.

 

The music of winter emotes a provocative air of determination as they ponder the impact of the fundamental questions that drive us all. And with angular approach they find answers within the thrill of the quest itself. Rumors that the band is currently writing, producing, directing and staring in their own remake of the famous Redford/Newman movie “Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid” are untrue. They are however working on a remake of “Raging Bull.”

 

We Make Thunder

www.myspace.com/wemakethunder

Fusing a variety of genres to form their own Garage-O-Country/Punk identity, they pound away with a bold and irresistible authority. You are free of course to not worship them like the second coming of Buddha if you want, but keep in mind that shortly after you left for the show tonight we had someone break into your house and steal your dog. So you’d better cheer like a little school girl at a Menudo concert or the dog gets it.

 

Belding

http://www.myspace.com/mrbeldingcore

Take every band you’ve ever heard, crank the intensity up to 11 and you will only begin to scratch the surface of what this band is capable of. Check your face at the door, if not they’ll melt it off. With influences like Agothecles, Man Is The Bastard and Negative Approach its no wonder they’re ready to tear it up. Perhaps their riffs will even jog your suppressed memory from the time your aunt asked you to blow her at your sister’s confirmation.

 

Mr. Pitiful

http://www.myspace.com/mrpitiful

Watch out for Mr. Pitiful as they are clearly in the mood to kick ass and take names. Their infectious and energetic music is duplicated by their abundant skill to create a buzz. What’s refreshing is that their exuberance seems to come from a love of the music and the process of creating it and not to fulfill some pipe dream or feed their ego. Best to get a front row seat for them now, because soon you might need to go through a ticket broker to get them.

 

Unearthed

http://www.myspace.com/uneartheyourself

There is a strong sentience and pervasive sensuality intertwined with the essence of Unearthed that is full of shapes, memories and shadows. Yes it’s deep, yes it’s has the courage to be different in a world nearly utterly defined by conformity, but it feels comfortable and natural as their delightful sonorities transcend to even the most casual of music aficionados. Even a dumb bitch like you can dig these savvy and lavish songs. I’m kidding, you aren’t dumb.

 

Richard Fammeree

www.myspace.com/richardfammeree

Everyone knows that The Globe Theatre was the site where many of Shakespeare’s plays were originally produced. Few however know that it is now the site of an IMAX theater where next week they are planning to show the sequel to “Dude, Where’s My Car” called “Dude, Where’s My Brain.” Not exactly sure what that has to do with the visionary work of Richard Fammeree and his band, but if it feels good….do it!

 

Misguided Youth

http://www.myspace.com/misguidedyouth

Prepare yourself to get slammed by the musical pounding of a lifetime with the proud and powerful jams of Misguided Youth. This music is not for the faint of heart or the feeble. In fact recently many clubs are asking their patrons to take a full battery of health tests before they allow them in to see this band in action. Blood pressure, stress test, pulse and a hernia test are all required before entry is allowed. That’s how intense their set can get.

 

Dead Superheroes Orchestra

http://www.myspace.com/deadsuperheroes

The theatrical and dramatic underpinnings of D.S.O. are as rich and expressive as anything in our predominantly prefabricated and sterile culture. The difference between them and others is like the difference between viewing an intense work of art like Guernica and staring at a blank wall. But there you sit with your recently Tivo’d episodes of Desperate Housewives unable to feel anything like some useless pod person.

 

There are few things in life that embody the nuanced diversity of life itself as effortlessly as Dead Superheroes. Having derived their powers from being bitten by a radioactive Suzuki Method seven year old violinist, the D.S. has the following enhanced abilities: they play scales faster than a speeding bullet, the have jams more powerful than a locomotive, and they can leap tall syncopated contrapuntal arpeggios in a single bound.

 

Dragonfly Red

http://www.myspace.com/dragonflyred

After decades of MTV playing milk toast, MOR crap and Clear Channel churning out station after station of the least inspired music they can find so they can turn the whole country into a pack of brain dead easy to manipulate robots who seek to fill the emptiness inside them by shopping and consuming. With a power like that in place its no small wonder that any true rock and roll exists. But exist it does and Dragonfly Red is here to prove it.

 

Everelle

http://www.myspace.com/everelle

Listening down to this band is a blast. They have an uncommon feel for tasty jams and a mature and fully formed sound that has a confidence and swagger that equates itself well and projects the potential for very big things to happen for these post punk rockers in the very near future. Word on the grapevine is that they have their own perfume coming out next fall called Prelude To A Quaalude. Actually I’m just kidding about that…or am I? Yes I’m not!

 

Tautologic

http://www.tautologic.com

 

Paper Street Co.

http://www.paperstreetco.com

I’m not yanking your chain here, these guys will rip you a new one and make you like it. This blurb on Paper Street Co. has been brought to you by Pfizer the makers of “Niagra,” the new sexual enhancement drug that actually keeps men limp when they get stuck in bed with a chick that’s a two bagger. Never get caught doing a pig again…bitch!

 

You will be stunned by the power of this bombastic crew of rockers. Just like Dominoes Pizza, Paper Street will deliver you from the bounds of the drudgery of the day to day life in twenty minutes or less. In fact, why not make every Tuesday a “Paper Street Co.” day. Make sure to visit their site, listen down to their jams or post something nice about them in a chat room every Tuesday. Don’t just do it cause its right, do it cause I tell you to.

 

What impresses about Paper St. is that they play with a texture and a nuance that ranges far beyond their years reminding one of music from bands with many more years of seasoning their creative palette. Clearly the scene in Chicago is responding, as they have gigs booked out the yin yang. Best to cozy up to them now, because a year or two from now, you might have to pay $150 a piece for seats in the nose bleed section. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

 

Joe Sepi

http://www.joesepi.com

The question is not whether or not joesepi will rock your world, cause mass hysteria and terror in the aisles…the question is what will they call themselves at this show. There has been much speculation about this from the Wags, the Yuppies and the chronic necrophiliacs. The rumor mill is a buzz with such band titles as Joesepi and The Sundance Kid, Joesepi Versus The Volcano, They Might Be Joesepi or Joe And The Family Sepi.

 

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away turmoil engulfed the Galactic Republic. joesepi returned to his home planet of Tatooine to save his friend Wishek from the clutches of the vile gangster Flabby The Hut. A separatist movement under the leadership of the mysterious Count Sloop Biederman made it difficult for joesepi crank to their jams out. Many Gungans died to get us this information. Will joesepi be able to restore freedom to the galaxy?

 

Wishek

http://www.myspace.com/wishek

Headlining tonight is a band from the mystical far off land of Kalamazoo. Urban legend has it that Wishek has spent the last 3 years of their lives in pursuit of the Holy Grail. Fact is that they have not been looking for the Grail…they’ve been looking for the Holy Pants (the pants Jesus was wearing during the last supper). On their quest they have created a unique musical vision that defies definition and lifts as it separates. Just like a sports bar.

 

Chris Bryan

http://www.myspace.com/kidronmusic

Those of you that like their music bland and formulaic are in for a big disappointment when they check out our opening act. If there is one word that can sum up the music of Chris Bryan, that word would be “dynamic.” Chris is also an accomplished acrobat and word is he will treat us to his floor routine after his set showing off his mastery of the pommel horse, the uneven parallel bars and that thing where they dance around with a ribbon on a stick.

 

That Saturday

http://www.myspace.com/thatsaturday

After having been voted the Sexiest Band Alive by People Magazine in 2003, you’d figure That Saturday would just cash in on their star power and become complacent poseurs. Fact is they play an organically driven music with a sentient quality and a hunger for a type of success that is measured on a deeper plane than your average schmucks out there. So when they pass by you tonight, swat them on the ass tell them “go get ‘em tiger!”

 

Bottle Rocket Band

http://www.bottlerocketmusic.com

Combining a throwback vibe to a time when music was driven by creative emotions with a modern day sensibility, BRB can deliver the goods with gusto. The members of the band were also alternate members of the 2004 Jamaican Olympic Bobsled Team. After seeing the movie Cool Runnings, they immediately quit school and began training. The movie depicting their run at the gold called “Luke Warm Runnings” went directly to DVD.

 

Catsplash

http://www.catsplash.com

Catsplash is best described as an enigma wrapped in an anomaly, with an indeterminate inscrutability that can be characterized as nebulous within the confines of a borderless abstraction. In a world dominated by the lifeless, dull, drab, creatively barren, small minded, surface oriented, heart sick, sell outs, poseurs, phonies and robotic clones…Catsplash rises above the harsh din of all the pathetic corporate lackey wannabes like a creative oasis.

 

A rare creative zeitgeist that few bands ever get to achieve on a local level. The urban legend that they feed by scooping the brains out of Nicaraguan Contra Rebels with the spoon from a 60 year old rusty swiss army knife is exaggerated. They had some trouble choosing a name at first trying: The Electric Light Catsplash, Catsplash And The Blowfish, The Catsplash Matthews Band and Catsplash the 13th: Freddy Meets Jason before settling on Catsplash.

 

Kedsey

http://www.myspace.com/kedsey

These young turks are loaded for bear and hell bent for leather with a passionate need to blow your mind and destroy the need to compromise. They got their start as a Milli Vanilli cover band in 1982 and have won numerous awards due to their nearly fanatical devotion to the mythic pop duo. Rumor also has it that they are to be featured in the upcoming ESPN series Marathon Vegas Poker Championships as all of their members are poker masters.

 

Bottles Of Wine

http://www.bottlesofwineband.com

This band is guaranteed to revive your mojo and massage your groove thing with their riff mongering and tight portable rock and roll party. Like some revved up modern day combination of Robin Trower, Fu Manchu and Captain Beyond, Bottles Of Wine has come up with more way to kick your ass than George Washington Carver had uses for peanuts. So take your socks off and get your rocks off…its time to let it all hang out!

 

If Bottles Of Wine doesn’t have you up on your feet and dancing from the word go, you should go to see a doctor because you might have a dysfunction in your funk. By the same token, if you need a transfusion of soul or an infusion of rock and roll, you need look no further. This trio will rev you up with so much power that it’ll take at least a week before you become a mindless automaton zombie pawn of the ruling aristocracy again.

 

The Great Perhaps

http://www.thegreatperhaps.com

TGP can amply deliver rock or roll . For tonight, there’s no “Perhaps” about it…they’re definitely going to knock your socks off. And they’re a crafty bunch as well. Many have heard of the DaVinci Code, but only the most intense and scholarly types know of “The Great Perhaps Code.” This controversy sparked in late 2004 postulates that hidden within their song lyrics is an embedded code that details the exact recipe for KFC chicken.

 

Kick the jive bands to the curb and dig these real heartbreakers and rump shakers. Little is known about these legendary agent provocateurs. The urban legends swirl around these mysterious purveyors of high test kinetic performances. What is known however is that chief amongst their weaponry is a talent for music so intense that it will blister your brain from the inside and forever stamp the name of TGP on your dance card. And after their set, feel free to run up ask them for a Great Perhaps secret decoder ring.

 

Reel Jem

http://www.myspace.com/reeljem

Up from the south side of Chicago comes a band fronting a new Chicago style R&B tip that will move you and touch you. In a world dominated by pop music that seems geared mostly to make you want to buy something instead of feel something, Reel Jem offers a refreshing authenticity that stays true to the emotional integrity of its old school R&B roots. And what’s really great is they’ve invited all of us to their place after the show for tapas and mohitos.

 

You’ll laugh, you’ll cry…you’ll fall in love all over again as you reel in the dulcet tones of our opening act this evening Reel Jem. And just like the cartoon band “Jem” from the 80’s they are truly outrageous. Sometimes I like to dress up in women’s clothing and pretend I’m Thelma from the TV series Scooby Doo…I smell burning toast. What the hell was I supposed to be talking about? Oh, yeah…Reel Jem. Dig their fresh new stylistic R&B tip.

 

Levee

http://www.myspace.com/leveerock

Michaelangelo, Picasso, Piet Mondrian, DaVinci, Frank Gehry, Hugh Hefner, these artistic and design masters have all created works of eternal and resonant impact, however they all fade in comparison to the stellar work of Levee. But don’t tell them that I said so, they might get a swelled head. And then they might get encephalitis. Nah, they’re too grounded for that shiznozz.

 

Tom Tom Petty

http://www.myspace.com/tomtomp

Richard Nixon called TTP his favorite rock and roll band because of their cool music and dedication to rock and roll. In fact Nixon would often listen to their music while planning the Kennedy Assassination, designing the illegal bombing campaigns in Cambodia, eradicating dissent in America with COINTELPRO, dismantling the education system and training Bush Sr., Cheney and Rumsfeld to carry on his work. Just kidding of course…not!

 

Nicolas Stankus

http://www.myspace.com/nickstankusmusic

The closer for tonight is “profound” earning a reputation for himself around town. He will take you on a trip aboard a magic swirling ship, where your hands can’t feel to grip and your senses have been stripped and wait only for your boot heels to be wandering. We are trying a last minute effort to install a laser light show to accompany his set for the total freak out. And I have a band name suggestion for him when he gets a band – “Either Orgasm.”

 

Jargon Scott

http://www.myspace.com/jargonscott2

With a band like this closing the show, you’d best pace yourself. Shake to the wild and wanton elixir that they will brew for you. There are so many reasons to feel bad about the world: lousy access to good health care, too many morons, uninvited intrusions, the ongoing prohibition on marijuana, the continued success of the career of Paris Hilton, cake holes and figure skating…but Jargon Scott will help you forget all that (for about 40 minutes anyway).

 

The State Lines

http://www.myspace.com/thestatelines

Richard Nixon called The State Lines his favorite rock and roll band because of their cool music and dedication to rock and roll. In fact Nixon would often listen to their music while planning the Kennedy Assassination, designing the illegal bombing campaigns in Cambodia, eradicating dissent in America with COINTELPRO, dismantling the education system and training Bush Sr., Cheney and Rumsfeld to carry on his work. Just kidding of course.

 

Third Movement

http://www.myspace.com/thirdmovement

Sure 99% of everybody sucks, and all that crap has led to a precipitous drop in the quality of our cultural achievements as our corporate media leads the charge to dumb down America into a pile of mouth breathing brain stems. Third Movement however has slipped through the cracks and sallies forth, creating a musical tableau which is infused with unadulterated power as well as subtle nuance. Don’t be scared by how real it is.

 

It’s the second time for Third Movement on a Flabby line up even though it’s their first time playing. Having already secured a Flabby show for 02/22/07 a week ago, yesterday as of 6:00pm, in an act of selflessness, they jumped on tonight’s show after a last minute cancellation threatened to leave us short one band for tonight’s line up. So while you dig their jams tonight, but also applaud them for their last minute efforts to bail us out.

 

How many times have you listened to the radio and been astounded by the total absence of quality and intensity? For some reason we are being force fed a wild pack of non-stop plastic garbage. Well with this band, there are no compromises, no filler, no bubble gum…it’s just straight forward incredibly virtuostic funky bitch slapping riffs-a-plenty.

 

Assimilation

http://www.myspace.com/assimilationlive

This band has the courage and temerity of a young bull in its prime. Siring bull calves with all of the comely she bulls in the herd whenever the fancy strikes them. Defending their position with shows of strength and poise and massively powerful shanks. Shanks of beef. And they also control a vast army of animated Tickle Me Elmo dolls who they send on various missions to disenfranchise the youth of Guam and other Pacific rim nations.

 

Not Elliott

http://www.myspace.com/notelliot

Not Elliot is bursting onto the Chicago scene with the power and passion of a poet on payday on their way to the opium den. Using the tools of melodic riffs, nifty hooks and an unbridled kinetic energy, these fellahs will suck you into the vortex of their powerful music and beat the living bejeezus out of anyone’s blues that get within earshot of their show.

 

Bellmont

http://www.myspace.com/thebellmont

If you like your music pre-chewed and infantile, leaving nothing to the imagination like some rehashed Branson reject then you’ve got the wrong band here. Bellmont will rock you and groove you whether you like it or not will their spirited and energetic set. Plus they were runner up three years in a row for Car And Driver Magazine’s Band Most Likely To Kick Your Ass Competition. This year however they feel like they are finally ready to win it all.

 

Star quality is something that you are born with or that you manufacture very carefully in a test tube. Bellmont is new on the scene, but has already started to exhibit this star quality. Their charisma has led to them hooking up with the “In Crowd” and the local gossip mongers in town have reported that each of the members of the band have dated super model Kate Moss. It is beneath the Flabby Showgram however to advance such indelicate rumors.

 

Flabby Hoffman is proud to announce having broken the cherry of Belmont…the “cherry” of their Chicago nightclub show performance that is. These rule breakers and rump shakers are ready to make a run at turning the apathetic and unsuspecting Chicagoans into Belmont die-hards. And now you can say you were there when it all began.

 

Turn Of The Century

http://www.myspace.com/turnofthecentury

These self professed practitioners of “Psychedelic Dance Rock” are geared and primed to rock you and groove you until you’re dizzy and weak. When listening to their music, you might think you have them figured out and then all of the sudden a fresh musical hook will grab you right where it counts. Also, rumor has it that they will be starring in their own reality show on Fox called “Who Wants To Be A Thousand-aire?”

An electrifying band that is hungry to melt your juicy brain with their strident powerful licks. If you don’t take my word for it, listen to the views of these famous personalities: “Turn Of The Century kicked my ass nine ways to Sunday.” – Elizabeth Taylor; “Turn Of The Century rocked so hard they made me bleed out of my ass.” – George Lucas, creator of Star Wars; “Turn Of The Century is having my baby.” – Ellen Degeneres  

Gwen Mitchell Experiment

http://www.myspace.com/gwenmitchell

An act that must be believed to be seen, GMX will beat your ass with a series of riffs and virtuostic chops of such mindbending proportions that you will think that you have died and gone to a deep and intrinsically imbued musical Valhalla. Close your eyes as they play and there you’ll be, lying in the grass staring at a kaleidoscopic sky foisted upon a spiritual cloud out in the ether where desire reigns supreme and dreams are exalted.

 

Only a few bands can make music that approaches being defined as “profound” and the Gwen Mitchell Experiment is one of those bands. They will take you on a trip aboard a magic swirling ship, where your hands can’t feel to grip and your senses have been stripped and wait only for your boot heels to be wandering. In fact we are trying a last minute effort to install a laser light show to accompany their set for the total freak out.

 

Tall Dark Stranger

http://www.myspace.com/talldarkstranger

If you like your music pre-chewed and infantile, leaving nothing to the imagination like some rehashed Branson reject then you’ve got the wrong band here. TDS will rock you and groove you whether you like it or not will their spirited and energetic set. Plus they were runner up three years in a row for Car And Driver Magazine’s Band Most Likely To Kick Your Ass Competition. This year however they feel like they are finally ready to win it all.

 

Briareus Orbit Orchestra

http://www.myspace.com/briareusorbitorchestra

Prepare yourselves for our headliner this evening because they will toss down the gauntlet. The challenge will be for you to justify your measly existence in the face of such unbridled musicianship and refined talent. Best bring some deodorant along for them because if what Edison said is true that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, then Briareus will need it because they will be sweating up a storm. Fall in love all over again.

 

The Lifeline

http://www.myspace.com/thelifeline

Soaring and transcendent melodic profundity mixed with stellar performances are par for the course for these young turks. Dig if you will the picture!

 

Sure they have transcendent vocals and incredibly breath taking music, but The Lifeline’s true hidden passion is running a modeling agency for celebrity look-a-likes. They have been raking in the jack for over 14 years by farming out such hot celebrity doppelgangers as Faux Liza Minelli, Faux Richard Gere and Faux Alan Greenspan. It is only a matter of time before these diversely talented renaissance people find a way to superstardom.

 

Chasing Fate

http://www.myspace.com/chasingfate

While their named is “Chasing Fate” is you change one letter in their name it alters to “Chasing Fame” which very well could be what this band is doing. What’s certainly true of these emerging jammers is they’ve been chasing after a slot at a Flabby show for quite some time with one thing or another conspiring to provide a series of near misses. If however that’s emblematic of their overall ambition, then surely life in the fast lane awaits them.

 

The Backroom

http://www.myspace.com/thebackroom

In the business world, “the backroom” is where all the big money power deals get struck. In the music scene, “The Backroom” is where all the big power chords get struck. Even a drug addicted, plague addled, blind retard can see they’re a gorgeous trio of luscious man-meat and solid beefcake eye candy, but this band is more than just a body. They’re more than a pile of flesh parading around in matching jumpsuits dammit. Quit being so shallow.

 

The Automatic Stinging Machine

http://www.myspace.com/theautomaticstingingmachine

Borrowing from popular culture influences as diverse as the indy movie Mystery Men and the revolutionary Hokkaido detergent Mr. Sparkle, there is a very good likelihood that they will take your Herkimer Battle Jitney and vanquish it to the land of wind and ghosts. So give in to the impending wave, feast on their idiosyncratic jams and turn yourself into a disciple of their emotional and intellectual mechanisms bitch!

 

Hump Night Thumpers

http://www.humpnightthumpers.com/assembled/home.html

Capturing a vibe from a long gone era, Hump Night begins as a tribute to a long gone form, but they are indeed channeling their own voice.

 

An East Hazel Tango

http://www.myspace.com/aneasthazeltango

First of all the rumors about this band having a fetish-like need to dress up like the Tele-Tubbies and cruise the streets of Amsterdam beating up hookers is a total lie. That is actually the habits of the band “A West Hazel Tango” out of Kenosha. “An East Hazel Tango” is really a young and hungry band on the prowl using the power of their intense jams to knock your socks off and get your rocks off. Use a spoon, you’ll want to get every drop.

 

TBD

www.myspace.com/nosuchsiteexists

 

When it was learned that this program was being written before a band to be determined was in the closing slot, there was no doubt we’d be in for a treat. While no one really knows anything about the members of this band or its music, there can be no mistaking the quality of their character. Who among us has not heard of the abundant sacrifice and religious fervor they exhibit for sacrifice and religious fervor. My ass cries tears of blood for them.

 

The band that originally had this slot cancelled with two days to go before the show. It remains to be seen whether or not I will be able to find a band to replace them or if I will have to play a solo acoustic set to buy time until the other bands are ready to start. I am not sure who I will get for this slot, but what I am sure of is that they are a brilliant and visionary exponent of unrivaled and resonant musical dynamism times infinity…and a slut.

 

Fresh from their stint opening for MC5 and the famous transvestite Judas Priest cover band Judas Priestess, our closing band for this evening’s show is a polished gem in a sea of kidney stones. Their talent is so beyond comprehension that exposure to it for prolonged periods of time can cause your brain to collapse in on itself life a star turning into a black hole. In fact the only thing that is greater than their talent is their unrivaled good looks.

 

The band that was supposed to have performed in this slot unexpectedly cancelled. Try as I might, there was no one I could find that would take this slot. So there is a good possibility that there will be nothing going on for an hour, or maybe Sloop Biederman our host will do a rendition of his award winning one man play, “Shaving The Ubiquitous Inner Primordial Bull Dyke.” Do try and be a grown up about it you sniveling bitch.

 

Medicine Hat

http://www.medicinehatband.net

It is fitting that this stellar night of cool people and great music is headlined by Medicine Hat. Their licks are guaranteed to get you moist in all the right places. If you aren’t dancing by the end of their set, you need to check your pulse bitch. Turn-Ons are: doing body shots, merkins, botox injections and chicks who wear Wonder Woman Underoos. Turn offs are: B&D, sex in chat rooms, movies with subtitles and chicks who smell like ass.

 

You wanted a band that plays a combination of death metal, opera and flamenco music with a team of a half a dozen naked strippers as the back up singers. Well we couldn’t get that band. Instead we’ll start the night off with a group of self styled rockers and live performance jam meisters, Medicine Hat. This is one of Medicine Hat’s first shows since their award winning off Broadway theatrical interpretation of the Arthur Miller classic “The Crucible.”

 

Curiosity

http://www.curiosityvalentine.com

Here for a second trip to the Flabby show, Curiosity has come once again to display their unique brand of music. Perhaps the biggest “curiosity” however is how music of such vibrant power can come out of only two people. But be ever mindful and respectful of them however, cause these kittens have claws. Their idiom runs throughout the spectrum of darkness to light and is perfectly capable of enveloping you. If your lifeline fails, you’ll be theirs for keeps.

 

A mixture of equal parts venom, inspiration and power Curiosity is creating a musical tangent onto itself that speaks with a force and resonance that cannot be denied. If you aren’t careful, you might get spellbound and fall into their hypnotic power and walk the Earth as their zombie for the rest of your days doing their bidding and slavishly following them from gig to gig only stopping to eat the occasional brain all the way to the stem.

 

Silver Atlas

http://www.silveratlas.com

This will also be the second go around on the Flabby show for Silver Atlas. Since that first appearance they have been racking up an impressive resume making both good music and good things happen for themselves. When they aren’t making their intriguingly soulful tunes, they spend their time doing clinical scientific research in a race for the cure to keep red fabric from turning the rest of your laundry pink in the washer. We all owe them a debt.

 

Sullivan Andrews

http://www.sullivanandrews.com

If you want below average music where every song sounds the same as delivered by passionless sell out posers who seem to care more about the size of the artificial bulge in their pants than they do about the quality of their creativity…then you’d better find another band because Sullivan Andrews is the real magilla. You however are a cynical bastard and don’t trust me, however once you see their set you too will be a true believer.

 

Audiobon

http://www.audiobonrock.com

The high powered jammin’ tunes of Audiobon will leave you more worn out than a week in bed with a pack of pirate wenches. Ride the riff roller coaster with these prodigious rockers as they open up a can of whoop-ass and take your blues out the wood shed. There is no truth to the rumor however that Audiobon was responsible for Martha Stewart getting her own network TV show before she is even finished with her house arrest.

 

Larry O. Dean The Injured Parties

http://www.theinjuredparties.com

A cool pop trio making a name for themselves on the Chicago pop scene. In their spare time they produce one of those crazy Japanese reality extreme game shows where they torture the living bejeezus out of all the players. Critics and weak kneed sycophants agree that the Injured Parties are destined for bigger and better things…certainly bigger and better than the Flabby Hoffman show one would like to think.

 

NYCO

http://www.nycomusic.com

One of the most popular bands in Chicago and on GarageBand.com, their inaugural CD is fresh off the presses and was produced by a two time Grammy award winner. They are also one of the first bands that didn’t need to pay me under the table to say something nice about them. Dig the lush textural, vibe heavy, timbre driven sounds of these diversely trained and devoted musicians who are also destined for bigger things than the Flabby show.

 

Love Said Demeter/Sunspire

http://www.myspace.com/lovesaiddemeter

Fusing jazz, funk, reggae and elevator music…oops, everything except the elevator music, Love Said will drive your mojo to drop its pants and do the balalaikas. Watch out though. Things might get so exciting that Flabby might drop his pants too.

 

No, the Underground Lounge has not dosed your lager with purple microdot. The gateway that is opening up your mind to the other side of the looking glass isn’t a chemical one, it is the sentient nature of the music of our opening act. Of course for those of you that did get dosed before getting to the club…it might be chemically induced. The Flabby Hoffman show does not condone the practice of ingesting music without ample amounts of sex and drugs.

 

Run Logan

http://www.runlogan.com/splash.html

Another second timer to the Flabby constituency has riffs to spare in an exciting mélange of perky jams, fluid lyrics and a scorched Earth policy that makes Sherman’s Civil War march to the sea look like a picnic at a nudist colony. Their total rejection of traditional western harmonies in lieu of the atonal styles of Epsilon Von Schoenberg, the pioneer of 12 tone screamo music, has opened up a path for others that try to follow that majestic vision.

 

These diversely inspired musicians have a musical potpourri approach that is clearly destined for bigger and better things than the Flabby Hoffman show. It’s hook crazy modern rock that will pound on each and every one of your senses with a barrage of memorable riffs and licks like some quasi-sensual feast of hard charging rock that will stick to you like that weird jelly that sticks on refrigerated turkey.

 

Shalloboi

http://www.shalloboi.com

What can be said about people that have said things about Shalloboi that hasn’t already been symbolically implied in the meandering, impetuous graffiti scribble of teenage runaways turning tricks at the bus depot? Probably something, but there is no way of actually knowing. In fact if Shalloboi was a carpenter and you were a lady, would you marry them anyway? Would you have their baby? Be that as it may, the password is “blotter acid.”

 

Preston Fox

http://www.myspace.com/prestonfox

 

Rachel Eve

http://www.myspace.com/racheleeve

Listening to the warm and inviting voice of Rachele is like listening to your own inner dialogue without the noise and distractions of the intrusive world horning in. Reflective and aching to be transcendent, Rachele clearly has charted a course to flourish. Get your autograph book out, you’ll probably be cleaning up on Ebay soon with her John Hancock.

 

Nicole Fedanzo

http://www.myspace.com/nicolefedanzo

With the voice of an angel and drawing off the influences of some of the most expressive singer/songwriters to channel into her own unique voice, there is only one word to describe the Nicole’s music…resonant. Rumor has it that she is also offers cut-rate surgeries on the side and after the show she will perform any operation for only $98.

 

Velva

http://www.velva9000.com

Velva is sure to pick up the gauntlet thrown down by the phenomenal party time atmosphere of the evening and run with it. And just like Glenn Close in the movie Fatal Attraction…they will not be ignored. Except instead of stalking the audience and hacking them to death, the chosen weapon for Velva is their verve, their sassiness and their fanatical devotion to vibe. So shake your groove thing to radiant heat of these modern day post apocalyptic rockers

 

One of the coolest things about Velva is that you can always expect the unexpected. They will take you on a musical adventure that starts in your pants and winds up somewhere in the murky depths of your super ego. What can be said is that they will groove you and slap your complacency in tush. Come along on the musical tornado that is Velva as it makes its way though the trailer park of the mind. Grab onto the sassiness!

 

Widdle Monsters

http://www.widdlemonsters.com

 

Tusker

http://www.tuskerchicago.com

The word “Tusker” comes from the ancient Babylonian phrase “Pinky Tuskerdero” which means the same as our American phrase “sloppy seconds.” Currently the band is slated to star in the sequel to the smash movie hit “40 Year Old Virgin” called “30 Year Old Sexual Acrobats” sometime in the late Spring of 2009. Rumors of the band incorporating a Liza Minelli celebrity look alike as a lead singer according to scuttlebutt are mild exaggerations.

 

Paper Bullets

http://www.paperbullets.net

The only band to have a star named after them in the National Star Registry (a copy of which is filed with the U.S. Copyright Office), Paper Bullets is a band that also makes for a wonderful dessert topping. The members of the group are leaving immediately after the show to fly to Alaska to prepare to run the Iditarod dog sled race where Paper Bullets are four time defending champions. Don’t forget to kiss their pinky rings for good luck.

 

Who can take the sunrise, sprinkle it with dew…cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two…Paper Bullets can. Who can take tomorrow, dip it in a dream…separate the sorrow and collect up all the cream….Paper Bullets can. Paper Bullets can cause they mix it up with love and make the world taste good. Few bands on the scene have the power to take charge of the emotional direction of an evening the way that Paper Bullets can

 

Highway Band

http://highway.viachicago.org

Manager and mentor for the Highway Band, Mike Dykes suffered a terrible and tragic loss yesterday when his 28 year old daughter was suddenly and unexpectedly taken following a horrible car crash. The band had planned on joining us this evening, but have decided to rally around their friend and support him in this time of grief. We all dedicate the evening to these people and wish them strength in this time of immense sorrow. We are taking a collection to send flowers in memorium of Amber Dykes who was taken too early from this life.

 

Have you been looking for a band that combines the raw punk fervor of The Stooges with the ambient timbres of The Postal Service, adding a little bubble gum feel of the Bay City Rollers and the feisty politically infused folk sounds of Joan Baez? Well too bad, because you aren’t gonna find it here. What you will get with Highway Band is a blistering combination of rock and blues which will fire you up and set your groove thing to stun.

 

Tiffany Hull

http://www.tiffanyhullmusic.com

The opener for our show mixes memorable hooks with equal parts of passion for a mélange that will have you at hello. Carving out a Grand Canyon sized niche for herself around town, we here in Chi-Town will not have the luxury of seeing her in local clubs much longer as she’s clearly on a path to bigger things than the rinky dink Flabby Hoffman show.

 

Katherine Schell

http://www.katherineschell.com

Our second artist is the complete package. Soulful, inspired and gifted she is also compassionate well beyond her years giving of herself to various charities. Katherine is also a very prominent research scientist who holds patents on over 60 household items such as the hydro-electric phone, a glass bottom fridge, and a potato that peels itself.

 

Homeless J.

http://www.myspace.com/homelessjrealestate

What would happen if you took the best of early U2 and Echo And The Bunnymen and mixed that with equal parts of Led Zeppelin and Jane Addiction…and then you subtracted out all the Poco, Air Supply and REO Speedwagon then adding just a pinch of Muse and sprinkled a light coating of Queens Of The Stone Age together? I don’t know, but perhaps Homeless J would. Why don’t you ask them after they are done blowing you away with their set.

 

Machete Monks

http://www.myspace.com/machetemonks

Get ready for some gritty, riff happy in your face rock. This band is a party waiting to happen and has something for everyone in their music except compromise. Set to star in the upcoming movie version of the famous TV series 60 Minutes, the Monks are out to conquer Hollywood too. Write them at their site to vote for which one should play Andy Rooney.

 

Once in a great while, a band comes along that has the power to change the way we think about manic riff banging, psychotastic jams. In fact MM will give you a multiple rock-gasm so intense that it will leave you more soaking wet than a dozen trips down Disney’s Splash Mountain during a tropical storm. So when they grab their instruments and start pounding on them, don’t forget to hump along with the beat. Learn to love all over again.

 

Phonies and tight asses beware. Machete Monks is coming and they will bitch slap the whole lot of you. Their riff sensibility and passionate approach to performing creates a ravenous effect amongst everyone within earshot. You too may fall into their trap and get sucked into the vortex. Before you know it, your casual night out to a local club will turn into the party of a lifetime with Machete Monks as your avatar leading you to the ultimate buzz.

 

Jumpsuit

http://www.therockandtheroll.com

Rock and roll in its purest form is more about conveying a feeling than it is about sucking every penny out of someone’s wallet and then crucifying their faith in you on a pillar of mediocrity on the road to selling out for the short term payoff then emotionally retiring, living off the reputation from your early days when you were still hungry and every nuance meant something and seemed like it would resonate forever. No one knows this better than Jumpsuit.

 

Musical Outfits

http://www.musicaloutfits.com

The melodious, heartfelt approach of this band is as refreshing as it is uplifting. There is no disguising their songwriting talent in the tasty mix of tight chops and wonderfully manicured and thought out arrangements. The rumors however about their being weeks away from discovering a cure for the hideous psychological malady known as the Napoleon Complex, and having a passion for clinical psychiatric research seem to be erroneous.

 

Question Mark Zero

http://www.myspace.com/questionmarkzero

Spawned from primordial forces of nature in the early days of atomic testing and shot into space, they have returned to kick your ass and chew bubble gum (and they are all out of bubble gum). They’re shooting at the walls of heartache (bang, bang!) they are the Warrior. They’ll take you on a trip into space (the space between your ears…just kidding).

 

What tonight’s line up lacks in synergy, it makes up in energy. QMZ will definitely leave a lasting impression on you especially if you have become complacent from today’s mainstream crap. An offshoot of early atomic experiments, QMZ has taken their bombastic fusion of new wave and punk throughout the universe and they are now on a mission to rock you and scrimshaw your picture frames. Young turks or quasi-alien/clones…you decide.

 

Tiger! Tiger!

http://www.myspace.com/tigertigermusic

These crafty Flabby Caravan vets will make sweet love to your inner groove mechanism with their high powered driven super jams. If you aren’t all moist and tender by the end of their set you should call the doctor because you might be in a diabetic coma. And now that they are Tiger! Tiger! the world is their oyster. It’s only a matter of time before they are playing in giant soccer stadiums…so kiss up to them now and you can ride their coat tails.

 

Monster-0

http://www.monster-0.com

As Foreigner said in their classic tune Double Vision, “tonight’s the night we’re gonna push it to the limit.” A truer song quote has never been lifted from a white trash anthem rock song, for tonight is the final show for the ninja gang known as Monster-0 before they relocate to Frisco on a secret mission to recover the stolen plans for the Army’s Bernoulli Silicon Chip which has recently fallen into the clutches treacherous Ringu Clan before it’s too late.

 

While some have called them a dervish for the Nintendo generation, Monster-O has found a way to combine ambient electronica and heavy metal with a distinctive splash of pop sensibility. Monster-O also makes an easy to prepare meal which goes from box to your dinner table in 20 minutes. Add Monster-O to a pound of ground beef into a skillet and your family will think you were slaving away in the kitchen all day. Just add water, makes its own sauce.

 

Action Kit

http://www.myspace.com/actionkitmusic

The evening will culminate with a band whose sounds can evolve you into a land of surprises where undiscovered elements of pure stream of consciousness reveal a colorful world you have never been able to see before hidden behind a life of lowered expectations created by illusions of conformity which have been erected in front of you for your entire life. Will it be enough for you to break the pattern of sullen complacency? That part’s up to you.

 

McGrath Band

http://www.myspace.com/mcgrathband

Hungry for a dose of jams that all crank and no filler. Well you’ve found the right band here. McGrath band is a young bunch of rockers that will take all your cares away and whisk you off to an ultimate Xanadu where you’ll recline on clouds made of whimsy and drink deeply of a transcendent mead just like some rock and roll Calgon bubble bath. In fact if you aren’t rocking to this band, better check your pulse. It might be time for the difibulator.

 

The Trembling

http://www.thetrembling.com

Irving Berlin, legendary composer and co-producer of the movie Braveheart, calls The Trembling one of the most super-fun, super-relevant, boy-girl, call and response bands of the post Roe Vs. Wade era. Get lost in the viscosity of their emulsion as they wail and writhe in the throws of their own unique brand of indie punk. Feel the strident power and bravado of this rumbling power trio as they swagger towards an explosive musical reverie.

 

Milk At Midnight

http://www.milkatmidnight.com

Their bio describes Milk At Midnight as immediately likeable, uncompromising, intense and heady. What it fails to elaborate on is this band’s history of being primarily responsible for America’s only native art form: the diorama. Milk At Midnight’s diorama of the Battle Of Midway is featured at the Smithsonian and their unequalled effort, a diorama of Lincoln crossing the Delaware in 1492 is the top attraction at the Louvre since 1987.

 

Dirty Switch

http://dirtyswitch.com

A lot of people in bands these days forget about vibe. Music used to be all about the vibe. It was about getting into a certain headspace and rolling with it. It was about everybody getting the same buzz and languishing within the groove. Dirty Switch will bring you back to those times with a unique self-stylized idiom they have created. It can sneak up on you where the jam will turn into a pulse and then “bingo” you’ll be in the happy land that time forgot.

 

Do you want glamorous Las Vegas styled show tunes with leggy women in sparkling outfits doing synchronized riverdancing? How about music featuring a combination of ukuleles and dog whistles? That’s too bad, because Dirty Switch won’t do that.

 

Mixing rock with equal parts alternative is this band’s modus operandi. The old adage “do what you know” is certainly paying off here. Charles Dickens legendary turn of the century author said it best at the end of his most famous novel Nicolas Nickelby when he said “please sir, may I have another helping of music from Dirty Switch.” They also hold the record for eating more fried twinkies in one sitting than any other band ever at an even 229.

 

Bitterson

http://www.bitterson.com/index.cfm

It’s the second time for Bitterson on a Flabby line up. And while they are last on your score cards, after listening to a few of their songs, they might become first in your hearts. Combining genres, creating a sound that they are defining themselves but one that also speaks to the universal conditions of those who have ever sought a new and unique experience in their lives. 9 out of 10 doctors recommend a daily dose of Bitterson as being good for the heart.

 

Dig the dulcet tones and resplendent melodies of our headliner. Like a restless spirit searching for the answers to questions that lurk in our silent moments. They seek the musical identity of plausible realizations in a world that’s driven by ambiguity and emptiness. Are you ready to take the journey with them, or will you just sit around in your black and white simplistic world, forever to be a zombie clone, made fit for complacency by the aristocracy?

 

Bifunkal

http://www.flymantell.com/bifunkal/bifunkalhome.html

Not to be confused with “Bi-Uncle” (who nervously followed you around at family holiday parties when you were a kid looking for love in all the wrong places), but Bi-Funkal will sneak up on you if you’re not careful in a different way. The music of this band will pounce on you. Unlike your average group of poseurs phoning in another music set with a lifeless approach, Bifunkal will tear you to pieces with their soulful hooks and shredding licks.

 

The Altair Four

http://thealtairfour.com

Not only do the Altair Four make great music, but they also make a delicious bootleg pale ale called Lowbrau. Having recently turned down an offer to collectively replace a retiring Sandra Day O’Connor on the Supreme Court, the Four has chosen a higher path, beholden to nothing but their own sense of self-achievement using a their own measuring stick which they plunge into the primordial goo from which all rock and roll sprang…or is it sprung?

 

Blue Bottle

http://www.blue-bottle.net

A mod masterpiece of underground hipness, Bluebottle is living the ideal of the new aesthetic, rock and rollers on a mission. Tonight is very special for them as it is their CD release party which was four years in the making. Will Bluebottle cause an irresistible new wave in music that will mesmorize the international trend setters throughout the world and hoist them to a transcendent plateau never before achieved? We’ll let you be the judge.

 

Broad Tosser

http://www.myspace.com/broadtosser

Spawned from the primordial goo from which all rock and roll arose, Broad Tosser will take you to a place that speaks to your most impulsive instincts. Q: How many members of Broad Tosser does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three, one to bitch slap you stupid, one to repeatedly kick you in nuts and the other to stick a red hot pork chop up your ass. If you’re looking for some chicks trading on their looks and phoning in their set, look elsewhere.

 

Emily Shrine

http://www.emilyshrine.com

Featuring a love of pounding chords and dramatic vocals Emily Shrine will draw you urgently towards a complex emotional world full of tales of what life is like for those with depth beneath the surface minded emptiness of the mundane and complacent mainstream culture. The rumors however that they are planning to self produce their own trilogy of Star Wars movies all of which exclusively feature the adventures of Jar Jar Binks are untrue.

 

The Hot Love

http://www.myspace.com/thehotlove

The Hot Love will take your blues and chase them to the far corners of the universe. Trying to resist is futile. You have only to let your guard down for just a minute and give yourself over to the groove. The more you struggle the tighter their grip on you will eventually be. What do you think I’m kidding? Alright smarty, you think you know everything? Why not try to resist the groove and see what happens? Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

 

Roar

http://www.myspace.com/aroar

This band is like a pro wrestler who is working a specific part of the body until their opponent crumbles. Gradually working the groin with pile drivers, atomic elbows and folding chairs until the pin is a foregone conclusion. Their pounding tunes will work your body until you give yourself over to the groove and become their latest rock and roll victim. But hey a whiney little bitch like you looks like they could use some more badass jams in their lives.

 

TerraForma

http://www.myspace.com/terraforma

Terraforma has been molding and refining their own unique version of rock and roll here in Chicago for over 50 years. Additionally rumor has it that this band is also imbued with the power of the Shining. Cleaver use of this power has enabled them to burn the message “DC ruo yuB” into the subconscious of all of their fans…which when seen in a mirror actually reads “I smell burning toast.” These mentalists will soon control the entire rock industry.

 

Bacchus

http://www.bacchusband.com

Combining diverse influences from every musical style since the creation of Gregorian Chant, Bacchus features a combination of experience, spirit and virtuosity in a tightly knit trio. But their creative achievements are not limited to music. Back in 1974, several members of the band were responsible for inventing Picasso. Legendary talk show guest and Las Vegas performer Joey Heatherton once called Bacchus “a time in their own legend.”

 

The list of luminaries that varies members of Bacchus have played with is so long that Evel Knievel cannot jump a motorcycle over it. Their musical dexterity, performance virtuosity and rugged good looks not only make them a great live attraction, but have won them People Magazine’s “Sexiest Band Alive” six years in a row. Bacchus takes us back to a time when the music scene was all about the sex, drugs and rock and roll not just the sex and the drugs.

 

Lorus

http://www.myspace.com/lorusband

Is hard work, sacrifice and dedication the path to achieving the American dream or is it all a lie designed to get us all to work ourselves to death like ants in a colony until we bleed out of our asses in order to serve our unholy master’s needs to squeeze every penny they can out of us that the ankle grabbing Federal government will turn the other way and allow them to steal…or is it the path to true success? Follow the career of Lorus to find out.

 

POR

http://www.myspace.com/por

Headlining tonight, last on your scorecards, but first in your hearts is the dynamic POR. For those of you misguided conformists out there seeking to be a part of the crowd because they’re too scared to believe in themselves, she will let you know where it’s at.

 

Walking Spanish

http://www.walkingspanish.com

Featuring a style that covers a broad range of dynamic changes, the Walking Spanish offers powerful jams that will feel more comfortable to rock fans than the terrycloth robe that they give you at hoidy toidy hotels. Slip inside their world for a minute and let them bitch slap your blues in the mouth until you smell the strong odor of toast burning and you re-enact the Battle of Waterloo in your backyard with a group of Oompah Loompahs.

 

The bold and zesty flavor of Walking Spanish now comes in three varieties: Ranch, Nacho Cheese and Original Recipe. Some say that they also possess unique telekinetic powers. In fact, they can reportedly turn an inside out spicy tuna sushi roll into a regular spicy tuna roll using only the power of their minds. They can make the skies turn blue and the grass turn green and sometimes when no one’s looking, they can make air turn invisible.

 

If I Had A Hi Fi

http://www.ifihadahifi.net/rock/hifi

Once in a great while, a band comes along with an approach to music so original and unique that it cannot be defined using conventional English. The Inuit Indians of Alaska however have over 19 thousand words for incendiary music derived from divergent progressive influences. We tried to bring an Inuit from Alaska to write this introduction, but the freaking airfare was so big it might as well have been a million dollars.

 

The Demolition Dollrods

http://www.demolitiondollrods.com

Sent to the planet to inspire the creative forces that lie at the heart and soul of every living creature, the Dollrods will awaken the slumbering giant within you if you let them. Once they’ve turned you on, you will be forever caught in a realm somewhere between sense and the energy that destroys apathy. They will make you tingle from the top or your brain stem to the bottom of your aura with their delicious and nutritious vibe.

 

Bird Names

http://www.myspace.com/birdnames

Combining the X Factor with Q Rating to the Nth Degree, Bird Names will beguile your franchise with riddles and make you realize how many people are truly letting their lives go to waste. They say that every time they launch into a jam, an angel gets it’s wings, but who are “they” and how would “they” have even formed an opinion on Bird Names? Become their bitch. Go up to them after the show and give them a helping your steamy mess.

 

Sleepy’s Reason

www.myspace.com/sleepysreason

The musical enthusiasm of our opening band is infectious as there is nothing that compares watching musicians like this who clearly love to play music. So many bands phone it in or pose their way through their set like the audience owes them something. The opening of their own psychic friends network however has met with only moderate success.

 

Tonight’s show starts with the exciting jams of Sleepy’s reason. Showcasing musical skills and a strong devotion to the groove, they will steal your blues and quite possibly cause you to follow them around from gig to gig like a groupie selling homemade pot holders made of hemp to eek out a living. Join up now and become a “Sleepy Head.” Sell your beemer, get a VW bus, paint it psychedelic, buy some love beads and you’re there baby.

 

Lucent Man/Plaid Penmanship

http://www.lucentman.com

For many, having Lucent Man at a Flabby show in anything but the opening or closing slot is one of the chief signs of the Apocalypse. Other signs of the Apocalypse include Richard Gere’s gerbil collection escaping to form an agrarian Hindi style Ashram, the TV show Facts Of Life being made into a major motion picture, crossword puzzles doing people, Sean Connery telling me to “take of my panties” and a whale eating a bowl of Fruit Loops.

 

What do you get when you cross Frank Zappa with Yes, King Crimson, The Dixie Dregs, Volta Do Mar, Dennis Miller and Soren Kierkegard? I don’t know, but while you’re trying to figure that out, check out the incendiary jams and idiosyncratic riffs of Lucent Man. This unique and accomplished band is throwing a party in their mouths and you’re all invited. Lucent Man is also a leading pioneer in rock against litter…give a hoot, don’t pollute.

 

Featuring a broad range of musical styles, the music of Lucent Man has been referred to as nothing short of addictive. So addictive in fact that Lucent Man has recently been added by the FDA to its list of illegal narcotics. Only a lazy, moronic, narcissistic, complacent, syphilis infested, incestuous, insurance broker would argue that Lucent Man wasn’t both the bees knees and the cat’s meow of the frickin’ local Chicago band scene.

 

Not to be confused with the band “Translucent Man” or the band “Semi-Transparent Man” our headliner for tonight, Lucent Man, plays a brand of music that can truly be freaked out to. If you are not impacted by the intense riffs, patterns and overall musical tapestry that they create, then you are surely in danger of being defined as a mouth breathing brain stem. Look I don’t know how to make it any clearer, Lucent Man will bash your apathy with a tire iron.

 

Royal

http://rockroyal.com

Feast your ears on these bawdy rockers as they kick your apathy in the nuts and take your blues out to the woodshed to tan its hide. But watch out…for where such power exists, so too will be danger. If you cross them, they will mercilessly beat your face with an ugly stick. What am I talking about? Somebody obviously beat them to it. Hide your face in a bag!

 

The Debauchers

http://www.thedebauchers.com

Often referred to as Chicago’s tallest band, the fact of the matter is that they earned that title while all the other local bands were standing in a ditch. What can be said however about our opening act tonight is that they will tear your brains out with their blistering lo-fi with great zeal and gusto and suck all the poison out and leave you sitting there…brainless and just groovin’ off it. Tonight for H-Day they are The Replacements.

 

Tragic Kingdom

http://www.tragickingdomband.com

Billed on their website as the one and only female fronted rock tribute band, Tragic Kingdom will make you believe that No Doubt is in the house. I don’t know anything else about this band because the club booked them, so I will use the rest of their space to write 2 haikus: Flabby Hoffman’s Show – It loves to love you baby – Hot moist Flabby love. Flabby Hoffman’s ass – It’s bigger than a golf course – But only one hole.

 

Heart-Set Self-Destruct

http://www.myspace.com/heartsetselfdestruct

When H.S.S.D. first got toge2ther, they had trouble choosing a name. Some of the choices they had included: TV-Set Self Promotion; Dart-Set Self-Mutilation and even House-Sit Shelf-Construct. None of those stuck however, and a good thing too. A band this good can’t afford to horse around with a schlocky name damn it.

HSSD is a band that will pummel you with powerful and uncompromising riffs and chops that will indoctrinate you into their growing throng of true believers. They are the true architects of tonight’s show and put together the line up. A little known fact however is that they are also leading researchers in the field of metallurgy and have recently pioneered a new graphite/cadmium polymer being used in high end water pipes.

 

This emerging band seems to have a future as brash and explosive as their intense jams. In a very short time they have taken the Chicago circuit by storm, playing major gigs and venues like crazy. Once you here their wild set, you too will be a member of their growing throng of fans and will hang ten on their inescapable flavor wave.

 

Phil Yates

http://www.myspace.com/philyates

Get set to hear a band that has not forgotten that making music is supposed to be fun. If you want to hear music about death, depression, anxiety and vampires then you’d best look elsewhere. Not to say that they are going though life with rose colored shades, but there you’d have to be a real cold fish not to enjoy the music they’re making.

 

Sudden Dark

http://www.myspace.com/sdasoi

Also known as SDASOI, but no matter what you call them, there is no mistaking the commitment to true musicality and dynamic intensity that they will surround you with. As to what the mysterious acronym SDASOI actually means, no one is really sure. A group of scientists, tarot readers from the Psychic Friends Network, linguists and druids gather once a year in Vegas to have a symposium on the issue, but as of yet have built no consensus.

 

Perfect Red

http://www.myspace.com/perfectred

Tonight’s headliners feature stellar jams, loaded with intense firepower. They are busting down doors and opening a lot of opportunities for themselves, playing high profile gigs and trailblazing their own unique path. You will reminisce someday about the time you saw them at a local club show before they became mega. Play your cards right and they might make you part of their posse when they headline Live Aid 2008 or Woodstock 2007.

 

Probably Vampires

http://www.probablyvampires.com

This band is chocked full of whole grains and goodness and would make a delicious and nutritious part of your balanced breakfast. In fact 9 out of 10 pagan medicine men, necromancers and alchemists recommend a strong dosage of Probably Vampires every day, either before meals or after sex. In fact lab studies have show that a daily regimen can significantly reduce the incidence of crotch fungus in laboratory pigs. Live the fantasy!

 

Having recently gotten into a name change faze, Probably Vampires is rumored to have recently been added to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Guinness Book Of Records wing for having had over 300 name changes. Some of the names that didn’t stick include: “The Band Name That Didn’t Stick,” “Haunted Condom,” “Morning Sickness,” “Lethal Erection,” and “Tofu, The Musical.” Whatever the name they still will rock your world.

 

Pete Cassani

http://www.thepeasants.net

Whether fronting the legendary band The Peasants or hitting the stage solo as he will be tonight, Pete has always made music that demands to be listened to on both merits of what he has to play as well as what he has to say. He also takes on the fowl apparatus of our oppressors using the power of love to overwhelm darkness with illumination.

 

Figment

This band rose to prominence by being the model for the original Gerber baby. Later on after they became the chill, diversely influenced band that you will see before you tonight, they were the first band to be featured as an animated musical guest for the Scooby Doo show and helped the meddling kids solve the “Mystery Of The Brown Mexican Dirt Weed.” Spoiler Warning: Turns out that the Dirt Weed was bogarted by none other than Don Knotts.

 

Black Casual

http://www.blackcasualband.com/intro.cfm

Humorless and emotionless foam domes beware…Black Casual is here to metaphorically rip your back hair off and make you say “Thank you Black Casual, may I have another!” Not since the death of the legendary Burt Bacharach has an act captured the zeitgeist of American Pop the way Black Casual has. Be vigilant though for Black Casual’s mortal enemy, a band called White Formal. Word on the street is that they are looking to crash tonight’s show.

 

Mike Wiley

A newcomer to the Flabby show in his first time out of the box as host for the Caravan. Please make him feel welcome with a friendly slap on the ass as he passes you by just like baseball players do. Mike is a comic, actor, writer and if you’re real nice, maybe he’ll do some finger roulette for you. Rumors about him having been the donor for that French lady that got the face transplant however are unfounded. Mike is a devout Druid and they don’t allow that.

 

The Elefents

http://www.elefents.com

Out of the 70 Flabby shows booked thus far, only 3 shows has Flabby not been in attendance due to illness. The Elefents and MT (the opener) were at 2 of those shows. So I guess this is tempting fate by having them both at one show, and I suppose that the odds are that Flabby will catch a Junta virus or something equally as horrid. The Elefents however will bend you over their knee and spank you like a red headed step child with their juicy riffs.

 

All Things Lucid

www.myspace.com/allthingslucid

The phrase “sentient intrinsically individualized musical amalgam of alt. country, blues and rock” gets thrown around so much these days that it has almost lost all its meaning. There is however no better way of explaining the approach of our accomplished second act. Plus back in the 60’s they were the back up band for Sha-Na-Na at Woodstock.

 

Mabel

http://www.mabeltheband.com

Mabel is a band that features gender bending songs…ooops, I mean genre-bending songs. The diverse approach and multi-instrumental orientation of this quartet will leave you feeling that they have an entire orchestra of Oompa Loompas hidden behind the drum riser. And Mabel is also an intellectual juggernaut, already the inventors of the candy valentine heart and the mirrored disco ball, they’re also the leading U.S. researchers on room temperature fusion.

er;”>Good Time Charlie And The Snails

http://www.gtcats.com

Currently this band has been distracted from their musical endeavors as they wage a legal war with Warner Brothers over the rights to the box office smash which they claim was originally called “Good Time Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.” The minute they walk into a bar, you can tell they are a band of distinction, a real big spender. Wait no, that’s a song from Sweet Charity. Well anyway, dig if you will the picture.

 

Charles Mack

http://www.sonicbids.com/epk/epk.asp?epk_id=32222

Everybody is learning that Charles is a stellar bassist, touring everywhere, jamming with legends, playing transcendent music, but few people know that he is also building a legendary stable of prize pure breed lap dogs. In between playing with the likes of B.B. King, Buddy Guy and Cypress Hill, Charles also breeds a shih-tzu like nobody’s business. He is a fast machine, he keeps his motor clean…he is the best damn bassist that you’ve ever seen.

 

The Cannons

http://www.myspace.com/thecannons

Calling themselves a “nitty gritty rock band” you would think they would be doing a tribute tonight to The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, but instead they are doing a tribute to The Rolling Stones. Either way, they will chase your blues into a dark corner and jab at them with pointed sticks, battery cables and pepper spray. Then they will run an ad campaign featuring slanderous and humiliating catch phrases about your “blues” until they are rendered ineffectual.

 

Hello. I’m Victor

http://www.helloimvictor.com

Forged from the same dark primordial forces which spawned such creative behemoths as Neil Sedaka and “Great Five” Russian composer Rimsky-Korsakov, this band comes from places deep within the great untapped collective unconscious of the entire diaspora of the human dialectic. Rumor has it they practice at an old abandoned brewery where they have escaped mental patients make their own local brew called “Hello. I’m Victorbrau.”

 

Long Story Short

http://www.lssnoise.com

If Buddy Holly never would have died in that plane crash, there is no doubt that right now he would be jamming for this wild bunch of aggressively and diversely influenced men about town occasionally. While the rumors circulating about this band having a real passion for circulating rumors turned out to be untrue, what is true is that they enjoy the things that they like. Do not sniff this band…it violates their sense of balance.

 

Shamier

http://www.shamiermusic.com

 

Sad Hannah

http://www.sadhannah.com

World renown intellect and agent provocateur Maury Povich once said “talent is 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration and 400,000% comfortable shoes and a warm place to go to the bathroom. Sad Hannah has all this and more. So prepare to get some schoolin’ on how a healthy dose of rock can cure even the most rancid and pernicious flesh eating bacteria and win the war against terror without killing or employing toxic depleted uranium in their weapons.

 

Sheridan

http://www.purevolume.com/sheridanil

The hungry and hard charging men of Sheridan are out to make sweet monkey love to your inner groove thing with a driving musical authority so heavy that it will leave you splay legged on the ground, drenched in your own puddle of your own sick. Drool will be coming out of your ocular cavities and your fillings will come flying out of your teeth like a load of pus coming out of a giant squeezed white headed zit.

 

W.F.T.N.

http://www.wftnradio.com

 

Jenny Gillespie

http://www.sonicbids.com

 

Microchimp

http://www.microchimpmusic.com

News of the incipient ascendance of Macrohuman to open this set led Flabby to retain the services of a “fluffer” to make sure Microchimp fans are all at attention for what will be a rousing third chapter in our raucous party night. The buzz on this set is that Ward plans on being a little hard on The Beaver, so you’ll want to keep close attention. In between it all M-Chimp will roll you around in their rock and roll corn starch and look for the wet spot.

 

They say that every time Microchimp plays a tune, an angel gets its wings. Featuring members drawn from other famous bands like Iggy Pop and The Three Stooges, Fleetwood McDonald’s, Shirley Temple Pilots and Night Ranger. And you should also know that all the flak in the press lately about Microchimp being responsible for the Downing Street memos and the covert C.I.A. operative leak from the White House are unfounded.

 

They say that every time Microchimp plays a tune, an angel gets its wings. Featuring members drawn from other famous bands like Iggy Pop and The Three Stooges, Fleetwood McDonald’s, Shirley Temple Pilots and Night Ranger. And your should also know that all the flak in the press lately about Microchimp being responsible for the Downing Street memos and the covert C.I.A. operative leak from the White House are unfounded.

 

The force runs very strong in Microchimp. In fact the rumor is that Microchimp is Darth Vader’s father. With an almost fanatical devotion to the art of the jam, these guys will have you for lunch and cleanse their palette with your devotion. The corporate clowns that have bleached all of the humanity out of us don’t know what to do with Microchimp…they’re just too damn intense to be boxed and packaged. Prepare to be unprepared.

 

Summer Set

http://www.myspace.com/summerset

 

On The Front

http://www.myspace.com/onthefront

On The Front is a tremendously promising band. Emerging with equal parts energy, commitment, musicianship and catchy hooks you will actually witness the beginning of what sounds like the start of very important musical journey. If you want to know what On The Front is like…just think the opposite of the band Air Supply. So cheer them on, sound off like you got a pair, and after the show give ‘em a friendly supportive pat on the ass.

 

Holy Frog

http://www.holyfrog.com

 

The Weak Daze

http://www.myspace.com/theweakdaze

 

Jeff Daschbach

http://jeffdaschbach.com

Jeff has a command and mastery of the acoustic guitar that makes everyone else look like a stupid freakin moron unfit to kiss his leavings. The fact that millions of people go to see Lindsay Lohan in “Herbie: Fully Loaded” and there are not millions groveling at Jeff’s feet provides singular proof that our culture isn’t worth the plastic it’s printed on.

 

There are only a few people that have the virtuosity of Jeff. The guitar becomes simply an extension of his mind and he will kick your ass and make you like it. Jeff is Flabby Hoffman’s sponsor for Overeater’s Anonymous. As big as Flabby is now, before Jeff he was frequently mistaken for the Goodyear Blimp and rented himself out as a billboard.

 

In between our artists tonight we will be privileged to ingest the profound talents of the amazing Jeff Daschbach. Not only does he possess world class chops, but he delivers them with an authority and dexterity that few possess in today’s cookie cutter culture. Don’t forget to introduce yourself to Jeff after he plays, he can also validate your parking ticket.

 

One of the best local pickers…and I don’t mean picking the winners at the Dog Track. In fact if Jeff’s chops don’t blow your mind…you might be in a coma.

 

Paul Draws Blank

http://www.myspace.com/pauldrawsblank

Get on the good foot with the meaty, beaty, big and bouncy riffs of PDB. It wont matter how down you feel or if the world’s been using you as a punching bag, this band will have you feeling better and jumping around in no time. So if you are a prissy, stuffed shirt, preppy wanna be who thinks that American Idol stars make the best music ever, then go to Branson…but those that want to jam can stick around and groove your collective asses off.

 

PDB has a brash approach clearly focused on making music that is true to their own unique sense of self. Stubbornly refusing to compromise or water down their vision to kow tow to the projections of others with dreams of mainstream whimsy. Where do they get the power for all this? No one knows for sure however tales of ritualistic goat sacrifices and biting the heads off gophers at each of their shows have thus far proven to be untrue.

 

The Ava Raiders

http://www.myspace.com/theavaraiders

Their driving beats will have you bopping heads and swinging hips in no time. They will transport you back to a time before rock became only something to zone out on and really moved you. Speaking of moving, when they aren’t jamming people’s asses off they take in a little money on the side as a moving company. Perhaps you’ve seen their moving van tooling around town with the motto…”Box And Roll.” Or maybe you haven’t I don’t know.

 

Feathergun

http://www.feathergun.com

If you are a lightweight pansy who hates club shows cause you might get a smudge on your khakis and you think that Wayne Brady is the reincarnation of G.G. Allen, then the music of Feathergun will bitch slap you all the way to China. Not for the faint of heart, their tunes will grab you by the throat with an invisible hand and choke you just like Darth Vader did to that Imperial captain in the first Star Wars…except in a good way. Take your medicine bitch.

 

Boldly going where few bands have gone before, Feathergun combines power and intensity with a liberal smattering of memorable hooks. That means their jams will crush your skulls, but still have you tapping your toes. They were also the first local rock band to win an Oscar, a Tony Award, a Grammy and an Emmy, and in fact the only people to ever do that besides the legendary Rita Moreno. Beat them, whip them make them write bad checks!

 

Phil Circle

http://www.myspace.com/philcircle

He’s sassy! Brash! He’s loaded for bear and ready for action. If you want you’re your brand of acoustic music to have some teeth, then Phil Circle has got the jams for you. An amazing fact however is that Phil Circle will be making an appearance next summer in Wrestlemania XXI in a steel cage match against none other than the nature boy Ric Flair.

 

Textpert

http://www.texpertmusic.com

If success is indeed measured as 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, then Texpert will soon be the biggest band in history. They work harder onstage to rock you than a dozen Energizer bunnies on Jolt cola and chocolate covered coffee beans. Coming up later this summer catch Texpert as they make their major motion picture debut in the upcoming sequel to the movie “Dude Where’s My Car” called “Dude Where’s My Red Chinese Acrobatic Troupe?”

 

Don’t let the collared shirts and ties fool you, these dapper lads are set to rip significant portions of your brain out from your skull and metaphorically whip them against a wall and shoot them down with a symbolic firing squad made from riffs and cutting lyrics which will bitch slap you into total and complete adulation. When they are done, you’ll feel liberated, take up your pen and write an activist manifesto, legally changing your name to “Unibomber Jr.”

 

Kyle Mann Combo

http://www.myspace.com/kylemanncombo

Sure you could go out like a sheep minded drone and listen to whatever conformist sell out garbage they are peddling on mainstream radio these days. Life goes on. You will miss out however on the passionate and inspired music happening below the surface like that of Kyle’s Combo. If you want to be a plastic, cloistered, useless waste of human life and throw your neglected soul onto the trash heap with all the other zombies be my guest.

 

Lucky O’Shady

http://www.luckyoshady.net

Nice guys don’t always finish last. Take Lucky O’ Shady. Nice people playing moving music, but they aren’t finishing last. In fact there’s three acts after them.

 

Fresh from their lobbying campaign to make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday, Lucky O. has come to make you laugh, cry and fall in blarney all over again. Be forewarned, you’ll have so much fun at their show that you might find yourself pulling a Single White Female. You’ll follow them around, start dressing like them, copying their mannerisms and eventually forming a Lucky O’ Shady tribute band.

 

The JV All Stars

http://www.jvallstars.com

Hailing from Nebraska, The JV All Stars are a great addition to the line up and once you hear them play they will have your devotion for lunch. Charles Barkley, famous basketball player and original Dream Team member calls them the guiding inspiration for every achievement he has ever made. Will this band change your life too and guide you away from the endless cycle of failure and sleeziness you’re stuck in? Hmmm, that’s a corker!

 

Lindbergh

http://www.myspace.com/lindberghband

The 2nd band on tonight’s line up combines a wide array of skills and elements to form an accessible music without sacrificing any of its power. People are responding in a big way and they are burning up the scene. In addition to their music skills in 1992, they were about to be certified by the Guinness Book Of Records as having baked the world’s largest pizza puff. Unfortunately Flabby Hoffman ate it by accident before the officials arrived.

 

Donna Frost

http://www.donnafrost.com

Donna is a long time listener to the Flabby rhetoric, but a first time performer. Touring nationally, making great songs, winning awards and being the primary architect and engineer of the Star Wars missile defense program are just a few of the things that Donna has accomplished in her tireless effort to bring her sense of vibe and melody to all America.

 

Dirty Little Something

http://www.dirtylittlesomething.com

Why spend hundreds of dollars going to giant and impersonal arenas to see performers lip sync or hide their dried up talent with light shows and fog machines when D.L.S. can kick their asses with both ankles tied behind their ears. Seriously, these guys will eat poseurs for lunch with their stylized grooves and musical dexterity. If you prefer repetitive white washed garbage from Branson rejects then stay home and watch American Idol.

 

Nikki Capra

http://www.nikkicapra.com

Nikki Capra has been responsible for some of the greatest songs in the American songbook lexicon. Who can forget such classic Nikki’s songs as God Bless America, White Christmas and This Is The Army Mr. Brown. Her tunes changed America at a time when…wait a second I screwed up. Those songs were written by Irving Berlin. Nikki does that thing with the thing…I don’t know. I can’t be expected to know everything.

 

I am not sure if Nikki will be joining us this evening to be honest because of some logistical hassles, what I am sure of is that she might be joining us. What can also not be not said is that if she does make it out tonight, you will definitely know about it…because we will announcer her. I suppose if you are in the bathroom nose deep in a mirror full of pixie dust when she is introduced you might not find out about it after all.

 

Head Spins

Talk show host and poet laureate Maury Povich calls Head Spins a “rock and roll feast of gargantuan proportions that cannot be missed at any cost.” They are also the only band to regularly feature dog whistle solos for out canine friends to enjoy. Currently they are in discussions to have a series of Muppets designed after them and they were asked to be the mediator in trying to settle the professional hockey strike.

 

Your Little Ponies

http://www.yourlittleponies.com

On most TV shows you only get to see the most plastic cookie cutter Vegas reject types perfectly coiffed and mimicking one of several corporately acceptable messages or lifestyle templates in order to mold your mindset in the disguise of entertainment. This band however will dismiss those preconceived expectations into the land of ghosts and shadows as they hoot and shred their way into your funny bone. Try not to laugh as these purveyors of “sleazy listening” beat the crap out of the status quo.

 

Court Jester

http://www.courtjestermusic.com

What better way to open up any party than with the rockin’ jams of Court Jester…especially on a Saturday night. So tilt back a few, let the your cares drift away and shake your ass like there’s no tomorrow. By the way, there is no tomorrow. Hate to be the one to tell you, but Armageddon is going down at 1:02 am. So get stoned, sneak someone into the bathroom with you and get laid while Court Jester provides the soundtrack. You got nothing to lose.

 

Scenic Route

http://www.myspace.com/scenicroutemusic

The “grip it and rip it” theme for the evening continues with the ballsy chops and feverish riffs of Scenic Route. If you’re not jamming during their set, then you best have a friend check you for a pulse…cause you might just already be a stiff. And speaking of stiff, Scenic Route is like a musical stiffy ready to poke you in a dangerous and uncomfortable place and will bring back your mojo from the dead and give you a fat Frankenchubby.

 

Tom Schraeder

http://www.myspace.com/tomschraeder

Tom is an artist who speaks with the voice of an old soul searching within the horizons of his compelling and expansive musical landscape for answers to a timeless quest that resonates immediately to all that come within earshot. Tom is also an accomplished plastic surgeon and has offered as a perk to those that come out to our show to do any plastic surgery for just $99.95 out in the parking lot after the gig. Flabby’s got dibs on the first lipo.

 

The heartfelt music of Tom Schraeder is sure to fill you with mirth and good cheer. Even the coldest and most humorless automatons will find their icy personas rapidly thawing when listening. The rumors however that Tom spends nearly all of his free time practicing his field goal kicking skills to live out his dream to one day be the kicker for the Toronto Argonauts of the Canadian Football League seem to be mostly hallucinations.

 

Calling on a voice that seems attuned to some ancient emotional battles fought in the depths of a long forgotten memory that he himself is recovering for us, Tom is a troubadour in every sense of the word. He leads his fans into a transcendent collective experience way beyond the music…it’s a connection. Hey and for those that might be interested, join Tom in the parking lot after the set as he will perform any surgery you like for $99.95.

 

Those that claim that Tom cannot deliver music that is captivating and colorful are 100% wrong. Rumor has is that Tom has recently signed a global representation deal with Chef Boyardee to release “Schraeder-O’s” the neat round spaghetti you can eat with a spork shaped like Tom performing his classically haunting tune Tricks On The Wall.

 

Sleeper Car

http://www.sleepercarband.com

What makes this moment in our society’s cultural development so scary is that we seem to continually reward people for regressing and producing cultural achievements that can only be seen as the intellectual and emotional equivalent of the dry heaves. Fortunately we have bands like Sleeper Car out there trying to draw from and elaborate on the continuity of a rich musical heritage with style, subtlety and verve that isn’t scared to be deeply nuanced.

 

Charting out a unique and eclectic musical vision, Sleeper Car seems to be searching for answers in a world driven by vibe and nuance. They wont pound you over the head, they wont force you in their direction, they will simply drift with you into a sense of their recognition of the resonance that is all around us. They will make you forget all the horrible things that music has done to you over the years, like Motley Crue and Enuff Z’nuff as well.

 

Blackbox

http://www.blackboxfever.com

Whether they’re rockin you out at their gigs or on their weekly radio show on Fearless Radio, Blackbox is doing their best to replace our conformist corporate dominated music scene with the organic, intense, unique and occasionally balls to the wall jams of the culturally marginalized. Do not fear the unknown, embrace it. Love it, feel it and touch it in the bikini area. But watch out, because when you least expect it, Blackbox will rock your ass off.

 

Meisha Herron

http://www.geocities.com/bsharpcmusic

 

Haec Maiestas

http://www.myspace.com/haecmaiestas

Jilt http://www.myspace.com/jilt

 

Bullets In Madison

http://www.myspace.com/bulletsinmadison

A band wrapped in an enigma of a mystery of a puzzle in a riddle of an enigma, Bullets In Madison is bound to pitch woo with the impulse center within the deepest part of your cerebrum. Then once you think that they think that you think you’ve figured them out, they’ll throw you a change up and you’ll be whisked away to a land beyond infinity.

 

Ursa

http://www.subcoma.com/ursa

 

Lunch

http://www.lunchmusic.com

 

Capital Eye

http://www.capitaleyemusic.com

It’s been a while since Capital Eye hit it with the Flabby show. These young and hungry jammers have enough spark to pound their way to the top. Pay attention to their career as they will be pounding on all doors until they get what they want out of life. In fact why not start a cement sidewalk display to commemorate them now. Have them put their footprints in cement like at the L.A. theater and keep it in your backyard as a tourist attraction.

 

Glove

When you’re weary, feeling small; when tears are in your eyes, Glove will dry them all. Like a bridge over troubled water, Glove will lay you down. They’ve got a real type of thing goin down/getting down with a whole lot of rhythm going round. Teachers and critics all dance the poot, but they can’t get enough of your Glove. You’ll see a little silhouetto of a man, Scaramouche, Scaramouche will you do the fandango and they will light up your life.

 

Socialite Fiasco

http://www.socialitefiasco.com

Socialite Fiasco is perhaps the archetypal band for a Flabby show. Skilled, talented and fun loving, they are not shy about skewering the foibles of a culture gone very wrong. If you’re not careful, they might just get you hooked on good music from people that have something significant to say…and then mainstream radio will make you heave.

 

The Hares

http://www.haresmusic.com

It has been said that this band is capable of whipping your ass into melodic frenzies without thinking twice. But what if they thought twice? The level of hysteria they would produce would be unheard of. Rumor has it, that for this show they have thought three times…it’s clobberin’ time!

 

The Lavellas

http://www.thelavellas.com

With music that is 40% driving rock, 30% experimental, 35% space pop rock, and 61% melodic rock, The Lavellas actually have found a way to give 166% in a performance that is sure to leave you moist in some way shape or form. It must be jelly cause jam don’t shake like that.

 

Rapidly becoming the Wichita Linemen of the Chicago rock scene, eagerly forging a legend of monumental proportions for themselves. Driven to blow your mind and hungry to stuff their raging Yang up you perky Yin, this band plays like a thundering herd of passionate warriors on the make to frig your rig. Call it anything you want, just don’t call it late for supper.

 

Greenlight

http://www.greenlightband.net

Veterans of the Flabby show and one of the nicest bands around (shhh! don’t tell them I said that) has a style and panache all their own. Their melodic art punk is derived through a fanatical devotion to rhythm driven hook-centric rock. Ebert and Roper give Greenlight two dangling appendages up and nine out of ten dentists recommend you brush with Greenlight immediately after every meal for more healthy teeth and gums.

 

Melodic art punk pioneers and visionaries who will whisk you away to a land of rock and roll fairy tales and punkadelic through the looking glass third eye tripsidasical whimsy. It’s like love on a sunny afternoon with the mystery date of your dreams exuding the ultimate in emotive empowerment and deeply nuanced sensitivity with cherries on top. Taste it.

 

Green “E.” The Environmental Elvis

Green E, is the King…of Momma Nature that is. High kickin’ and guitar lickin’ his way into your hearts, this Elvis drives a solid gold hybrid limo and brings a message of TCP (take care of the planet)! Love him tender.

 

Electricon

http://www.electriconmusic.com

Friends and foes agree, a night without Electricon is like a night without folic acid in your digestive track…and that’s very bad for your colon. Once former teen stars of the hit 80’s Saturday morning action adventure TV series called “Electricon And Dynagirl,” instead of fighting villains with their super powers, they are now fighting apathy with their extraordinary musical ball of fire.

 

The Dammitheads

http://www.ourdamnwebsite.com

 

Bleary

http://www.bleary.org

 

For All I Care

http://www.forallicare.com

One of the only bands in Cook County to use the ellipsis as part of their title, F.A.I.C. is a trailblazing pioneer in the use of punctuation elements in band names. Voted as the top band of all time by men named “Milt,” the band was proud to announce last Tuesday that figures of them were being designed and molded for inclusion in Madame Tussaud’s famous House Of Wax in London. Feel their sass waft into you like an electric ruffie.

 

Hirudin

http://www.hirudin.net/home.php

 

Any Given Week

http://www.anygivenweek.com

Be forewarned, those of you watching Any Given Week from the left side of the room will get wet. Those of you on the right side of the room…will get soaked. It is always a good idea to bring you heavy weatherproofing gear to their shows, because if you don’t you will get spattered by the sweat and blood spewing forth from these powerhouse electric titans. If they don’t kick your ass, you’d better check your ass…the damn thing is probably dead.

 

A Modern Love Story

http://www.myspace.com/amls

Remember in the original Dawn Of The Dead where the zombie gets his head chopped off by a helicopter blade? That’s the best way of explaining what will happen to you when you listen down to A Modern Love Story. Their killer riffs and ripping vocals will tear the top of your head off and then they’ll use it the next day for their cereal bowl.

 

Ferdinand Fox

http://www.ferdinandfox.com

 

Cortlandt Homes

Dabbling in the nuance between obvious and oblique is the bailiwick of the true artist, then again blasting your ass off with some gritty rockers is so much more direct. So if you want to contemplate your navel, zone out and chant your mantra until your kundelini comes slithering out your pee hole, you’d best find another soundtrack than the one Cortlandt Homes will provide you. Because now is time to rock and roll, and the rock will abide.

 

The great mystical and spiritual leader Baba Ganooj says that “in order for one to obtain spiritual oneness with the ever expanding framework of the ultimate in human consciousness, one must first contend with the limitations of the groundwork and attain a greater sense of the entitlement which comes with the struggle of overcoming the obstructions of the fractious and demanding obligations of the flesh. And Cortlandt Homes rocks bitch!”

 

Soul Revolt

Prepare for a blast in the face of pure power and unblemished energy. You will be transported away to a world where flying Norsemen carry flaming swords into battle against monsters, dragons and divorcees on a crusade to rid the world of everything they feel a sense of repulsion from such as: New Coke, razors with 4 or more blades, edible jock straps, ham and cheese omelets, perky nipples, the bastard child of 10,000 maniacs and all NASCAR fans.

 

Red Shirt

http://www.redshirtmusic.com

Lots of eyes are on Red Shirt. Fans who have seen them are watching to see what seems like something destined for greatness. Other local bands are watching them with envy as they combine rockin’ jams with a rabid following, gobbling up tons of slots at all the best clubs. Rumors however that they have started their own traveling side show of women’s jello wrestling are greatly exaggerated. It’s not jello, it’s chocolate pudding…ride the flavor wave!

 

The Hall Effect

http://www.halleffectband.com

There are few certain things in this world, but what can be said is that people like you are unfit and unworthy of seeing a band as cool as The Hall Effect. You’re the type of person that enjoys long walks in the sewage distillation plant, cleaning their undercarriage using undocumented migrant workers, eating the leftovers that they reject for use in the manufacture of hot dogs and you think even after all these years that Goldie Hawn is still hot.

 

Jessica Sonner

http://www.myspace.com/jessicasonner

The dulcet tones of Ms. Sonner reach out to you from the emotional proving grounds where the rubber meets the highway and remind those of us that care to really listen and reflect that there are lessons to be learned from the bumps on the way to getting what we really need in life. She also invented the game of lawn darts, wrote directed and starred in an off Broadway play called “Shirley Temple’s First Hickie” and invented soap on a rope in 1972.

 

The Accord

http://www.myspace.com/theaccord

So your looking for some music that has variety, a commitment to sonic integrity, but doesn’t hit you over the head with it. You want your music authentic, you don’t want it cheesy, sleezy or over easy. That’s why The Accord is the best value for your musical entertainment dollar. It’s good music for good times that’s not pretentious, overly self-indulgent and best of all, it wont make you retain water. Well maybe a little water around the ankles.

 

Debe Welch

Debe is a profound talent infusing energy and wit with an unerring sense of timing and drive. She will knock the hate out of you and kick your blues right in the fanny. Prepare to, as the song says, “celebrate good times yeh yeh!” and shake off the dust of a weary world and rock. And after her set why not try a delicious Mountain Doobie soda. The only soda made with 100% reefer. Get extreme! Snap into the refreshing hallucination of Mountain Doobie!

 

Symphonic Affair

http://www.symphonicaffair.com

Two years ago a friend recommended Symphonic Affair as a hot young band in need of a gig. That was the beginning of what was to become 10 or so Flabby shows that they have done. Why have they been a part of so many gigs? Because their energetic jams and ravenous fans cannot be denied. Plus they also give a ridiculously enormous cash kick back…it’s really obscenely large. Embarrassingly huge. Let that be a lesson to you wannabees!

 

If hard work, dedication, sacrifice and hard charging jams are the keys to success in music, then Symphonic Affair is guaranteed a big future. They are poised to blaze a trail all their own on the next level and beyond, so you’d best be kissing up to them now. This could be your best shot at being part of a real life posse and pose down with the band at their after party when they pick up their 1st MTV music video award or their first appearance on SNL.

There are bands and there are bands, and Symphonic Affair is definitely a band what is a band. You needn’t take a series of pharmaceutical quality drugs like dilaudid, demerol and methadone in combination with binge levels of alcohol and ether to get off on their driving, emotional rock and roll. Watching them jam is like a hardcore pervert watching two lipstick lesbians slow dance together boob on boob in the middle of a vat of pudding.

 

These young turks are ready to spoil the plans of the naysayers and the cynics who stare in disbelief as they bitch slap each of the obstacles on the way to superstardom. Their rise to success has not been without sacrifice…in their case ritual sacrifice. They in fact slaughter a dozen mountain goats, a lizard, an Austrian wet nurse named Helga and one of those Disney World guys in a Donald Duck costume before each show for good luck.

 

New on the scene, the young turks on the block will ignite your passions and spit fire right in your kundalini with a brand of passionate rock that cannot be contained. All having been ironically bitten on separate occasions by radioactive spiders, these crusaders will climb the walls of your brain with their super powered rock.

 

Sure Symphonic Affair is giving the Chicago scene a swift kick in the pants with their pizzazz and their gumption, but nothing competes with the refreshing flavor of Symphonic Affair Cola and new Diet One Calorie low-carb Symphonic Affair Cherry Cola with lemon. Snap into the flavor wave and then stick your finger down your throat and make room to snap into another one. Ride the taste sensation!

 

Luster

http://www.myspace.com/luster

These lads have not done a Flabby gig before and are therefore unfamiliar with the unusually harsh hazing which they are about to endure. In between their stunning riffs and passionate jams they will be forced to have their nostrils hooked up to a car battery, chew on tin foil for an hour, forced to have sex with Alice the maid from the Brady Bunch, made to watch 17 uninterrupted hours of Punky Brewster reruns and forced to play for the Cubs…pray for them!

 

The Brilliants

http://www.thebrilliants.com

The Brilliants not only are quite an impressive band in every regard but are also perhaps the most important fashion designer in the history of couture. Their famous Ready To Wear line of fall fashions in the Milan Fashion Show of 1996 still makes the biggest names in fashion wet at the tip. Are you man enough to take the immensely gratifying display of unadulterated musical passion and tasteful eye for color combinations of this band…are you?!?

 

Band two continues the high pitched energy of the evening with a thick, chunky chord approach that should have everyone in the house shaking their money maker and groovin. Spawned from the primordial rock and roll swampy goo that gave life to all of rock’s most energetic jams, their chops will hit you so hard it will knock the taste out of your mouth and might get them brought up on criminal charges for assault with intent to rock your ass.

 

The Brilliants are a group who will pound your skull with a furious series of power chords and intense rockers which will use you and abuse you and then some back for seconds. Rumors of their putting together a yearly charity concert for the benefit of Formula One race car drivers who have chronic anal leakage are 100% untrue. It’s been suggested that these rumors were spread by Kevin Federline attempting to feel better after the Britney break up.

 

Munroe

http://www.munroemusic.com

See what all the fuss is about as you learn the new “Munroe Doctrine.” Unlike the one that we all learned about in school that protected the Americas from foreign intervention, once you hear this band you’ll realize the new Munroe Doctrine states that all those encountering the sounds of these uniquely powerful musical songsmiths shall have their groove thing shaken.

 

Red Line

http://www.theredlinerocks.com

Seeking the perfect balance between the power of rock and a distinctive pop sensibility is the goal for RedLine, a goal which they are very successful at accomplishing. The problem for their fans is that they don’t know whether to tap your toes or do some headbanging. The fact is that your skull will be jiggling like a bobble head doll all throughout their energized set. Plus they are all bonified insurance salesmen and have great prices on supplemental policies.

 

Make Out Party

http://www.myspace.com/makeoutpartyforever

The closer for tonight’s show takes the word “Party” in their band’s name very seriously. And party we all shall once they take the stage. The thing is that you will only enjoy them if you enjoy fun, energetic jams that groove you and make you jump and sway with the beat. If you are a dried up old humorless prune who hates life, thinks that music is annoying, hate laughing and loves the sound of puppies crying then you’ll hate Make Out Party.

 

Phantom Funk

http://www.phantomfunk.com

Also known as “The Ghost Who Jams” and “The Band Who Cannot Die,” Phantom Funk by day disguise themselves as mild mannered billionaire adventurer Kit Walker. At night however they take The Oath Of The Skull and joined by their faithful manservant Bandar they become Phantom Funk, rockers and protectors of all things decent.

 

Fun Club

http://www.myspace.com/funclub

This band is totally ninja and parties like it’s 1983, a year before Orwell’s dystopian society turns us into the equivalent of a smear of poop on the hem of a Girl Scout uniform. I shouldn’t tell you this, but you and I go way back…the band plans on springing a pop quiz out on you somewhere around half way into their set. The answers to the questions are: A, B, B, A…holy shnizznozz! That spells ABBA! Run for your frickin lives it’s ABBA!!! Why?!?

 

Madison Buchanon

http://www.myspace.com/madisonbuchananchicago

 

The Flabby show’s very first American Idol alumni, Madison has legit star power level charisma and talent that could charm even the most grizzled dried up old prunes with vocals so tasty that you’ll think that they must be fattening. Her voice is like the promised breath of springtime, gently reminding you of your first kiss from a true love. Sing out!

 

Jocelyn Hughes

http://www.myspace.com/joselynhughes

Joselyn has several outstanding warrants out for her arrest for the crime of her having habitually sniffed dog’s crotches without having previously gotten permission. In between her many comic gigs, she has made the tabloids recently for dating Louie Anderson.

The producers of the classic Paul Newman movie “Hud,” called Jocelyn a comedic version and masterful living embodiment of a very acute case of Pink Eye. Currently she is bombarding the region with his wacky one man show tribute to the comedy of Art Garfunkle.

 

The Blissters

http://www.theblissters.com

 

Echosend

http://www.echosend.com

 

Quiver Lip

http://www.quiverlip.com

The question is not whether Quiver Lip is ready to rock you so hard that it will pound your skull into a juicy pulp, the real question is whether or not you’ve got what it takes to handle the power. Their incendiary jams are like some organic nitrous tank giving you a Colorado Rocky Mountain high right here in the confines of the nightclub. There’s a lady who is sure all that glitters is gold and she’s buying a stairway to Quiver Lip.

 

The Symptoms

http://www.thesymptoms.us

 

Odvaya

http://www.sonicbids.com/epk/epk.asp?epk_id=8275

 

John “Sloop” Biederman

http://www.dailylimerick.net

 

Callisto

http://www.callistoband.com

 

Shrieking Violet

The first band to win on Fear Factor after having passed the trials of having eaten french fried rats, climbed up the Luxor hotel pyramid in Vegas while completely covered in axle grease, being forced to fly on Southwest Airlines and being forced to sleep on a bed of poisonous black mamba snakes. You will laugh, cry and fall in love all over again.

 

Vamplifier

http://www.vamplifier.com

Here is a band that sounds like a combination of Sonny And Cher meets the Carpenters with a sprig of Air Supply, John Denver and Boy George…wait a minute, I’ve got the wrong band. I wasn’t talking about Vamplifier, I was talking about another band with a somewhat similar name called “The Hobo Fellatio Ass Bonanza Without Consequences Initiative.” Vamplifier is a dynamic band, with an intensely prolific and unique musical palette.

 

The Sleeptights

http://www.myspace.com/thesleeptights

 

If you are looking to dig on a stout and thick pop music with load of hooks and plenty of meat on it’s bones, then the Sleeptights are your band. They will sneak up on you and before you know it you will be trapped in their gooey web of musical goodness. It has been said that August Strindberg and Norvus Fussbottom (the man for whom the term “Nervous Norvus” was named) were both giant Sleeptights fans and remain so even now that they’re dead.

 

409’S

http://www.myspace.com/the409s

The 409’s really know how to get a party started. And when it comes down to it, tough times like these demand a bunch of fun loving people like these guys to help kick the blues to the curb. And as it so happens, they are capable of doing a few other things to relieve some of the pangs of the economic downturn. In fact for those cash strapped sickos out there they will perform any surgical procedure for only $99.95 including brain surgery and lipo suction.

 

The Flying Aarons

http://www.dinosaurbearreindeer.com/aarons/

 

Kelly Williams

http://www.aghettoboy.com

This is Kelly’s second spin as the titular figurehead of the Flabby Hoffman Caravan. He will spank you until your fanny gains a ruddy complexion. His jokes, his tunes and his Riverdancing will leave you amazed at something. Love him long time

 

In 1983 Kelly received a Pell Grant to research the various healing powers of alternative sexual behaviors. He has since presided over (and videotaped) every conceivable sexual practice imaginable. His breakthroughs have been extraordinary, for example he can cure a headache with a poodle, an order of fish sticks and a dollop of tartar sauce.

 

Back for his second tour of duty as the Flabby Caravan host, Kelly has the hosting skills to pay the bills and he has come to kick ass and chew bubble gum…and he’s all out of bubble gum. Unfortunately his full length film “Ashcroft And The Chocolate Factory” has been indefinitely postponed due to nobody having actually created it.

 

Prepare for an all out assault on your senses as Kelly’s uncompromising sense of comedy drawn from real life experiences will have you thinking “did he really say that” in between laughs. Kelly has star quality written all over him, even in those hard to reach bikini areas.

 

Dave Barak

It has been a while since the gregarious Mr. Barak has hosted a Flabby event. The buzz around his return to host the Flabby show tonight ranks up there with such eagerly anticipated rock reunions as Simon and Garfunkel’s concert in Central Park or the reunion of Pink Floyd for the Live 8 shows or even the reuniting of Captain and Tenielle in Branson Missouri. Once in a while, concerts become historic events. This is one of those…bitch.

 

Amanda Sena

http://www.myspace.com/amandasena

A brief glimpse around the Chicago musical landscape will reveal the ambitious Amanda Sena whose electric voice is plugging into the local circuit. Especially impressive is her use of a team of capoeira artists who form the core of the Amanda Sena dancers as well as do her bidding as part of Amanda’s Yakuza, a sultry secret syndicate of rare art thieves.

 

Abreaction

http://www.abreaction.net

Our show tonight begins on an intriguing and introspective note with Abreaction as we head for more profound territory than the basic three chord rock line up you get at your average local rock venue. Rumors that “Abreaction” has creative ties to the workout video “Abs Of Steel” are false , however they did executive produce and star in “Buns Of Steel.”

 

Watch out for these young newcomers to the Chicago rock club circuit scene. With each gig their talent and virtuosity increases more and more. And with two Flabby gigs on their calendar this month, if their maturity continues in the same pattern, by February they might be blowing everybody out of the water. So grab on to something sturdy when they play and don’t say I didn’t warn you…well you can say I didn’t warn you, but you would be lying.

 

Rock has given us many great duos throughout musical history…Sonny And Cher, Hall And Oates, Loggins And Messina, Peaches And Herb, England Dan And John Ford Coley, and Donny And Marie. Well alright, so there is some room for improvement. Certainly Abreaction seems poised to raise the bar a bit on this seemingly underachieving group of rock and roll dyads. So sit back and enjoy what might soon become a legendary duo.

 

Sneakily…steathfully, Abreaction has jumped on an awful lot of Flabby line ups. All of the sudden they’ve done like forty nine flabby shows in the last six months. Hard working and improving every time out of the box, there should be big things in their future. Rumors about their having been romantically linked with Jessica Simpson are all lies however.

 

In a perfect world, it would be easy to find sensitive emotionally driven music like that of Abreaction. Every neighborhood would have a community theater where people were encouraged to perform and develop their creative instincts to the fullest, each major TV network would set aside several hours a week simply for the development of those experimenting various artistic expressions. Instead we spend 2.3 trillion a year on war machines.

 

Dig the sentient lyrics and passionate delivery of Abreaction, but be careful. A large dose might turn you into a long time fan. So if you are a sour puss who hates to laugh and music just gives them a headache, then perhaps you should run out and pick up some barbeque pork instead and not risk watching Abreaction’s set. They might just crack open that negative façade and those insulated and forgotten feelings will come out and make you all gooey.

 

The New Aesthetic

http://www.myspace.com/newaesthetic

Strap on your strap-ons for the kinetic sounds of New Aesthetic. This engaging and inspired trio will pummel your blues into submission. They will give you the force to groove, what you do with that force is up to you. Will you take the fast and easy path to the dark side or will you negate the conflict within you and become a New Aesthetic Knight like your father before you? Adventure, excitement, New Aesthetic fans crave these things.

 

Alison Wonderland

The sexy sultry and mysterious performance art poet of the Flabby Live show will take you to a land beyond euphoria into a xanadu of profound exaltation and verve.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…Allison Wonderland was born to a race of superior aliens with enormous intellects and even bigger libidos. Now being considered for her own HBO series called Group Sex In The City, Allison is bound for big things.

 

Sam Aronson

http://www.myspace.com/samaronsonmusic

Newcomer to both Chicagoland and the Flabby show, Sam is out to make a name for himself. Join him on his path to find adventure, mystery, romance and a talking dog named Foxtrot. Will he find love, success and blah, blah, blah in a callous, miserable world drenched in darkness, hellbent on self destruction and thriving on utter and complete emptiness?

 

Snoozie And The Miltonics

http://www.snoozieandthemiltonics.com

The Snoozie’s claim the secret to their engaging and diversely influenced music is guarded more closely than the original Coca Cola recipe. Our team of crackheads tested this and the secret to their music is guarded only 93% as closely as the Coke recipe. Rumors of Snoozie’s coming out with cherry flavored music however are exaggerated.

 

Nobody Ever Dies

http://www.myspace.com/nobodyeverdies

This slot this band performed in on the Flabby show was originally confirmed for a band named Bluzilla. Tragically however, I was informed that Paul Buschbacher, the frontman for Bluzilla, had passed away. I sent emails out and the first band to ask for the slot was Nobody Ever Dies. Is the irony of this band’s title just a coincidence or is Paul trying to get word to us that life exists after death? In other words, does this band prove the existence of life after death? Either way we wish Paul farewell.

 

The Fractured

http://www.animateband.com

Hunger is the one thing that sets apart a band like The Fractured from the chafe of the endless stream of ordinary players content with a life full of compromises and cutting corners. Those that settle for the path of least resistance or rely on their good looks instead of developing a commitment to their craft. The weakness, the cowardice, the spoiled emptiness of today’s corporate indoctrinated cultural phonies drive our course to a soulless grief.

 

Senor Fox

http://www.senorfoxtrio.com

It’s been a year or more in the making, finally a slot for Senor Fox on a Flabby show has materialized. So many things have happened during that time, things like Woodstock III, the Stock Market Crash of 1929, Roswell, Britney Spears’ head shaving, Oscar Robertson averaging a triple double for the 1961 NBA season and the invention of the spatula.

 

Happy Butterfly Foot

http://www.happybutterflyfoot.com

Well if you’ve not gotten your groove thing on yet, then for sure it will be once H.B.F. hits the stage. It becomes so easy in life to turn off, tune out and drop interest…to live without any vibrancy or willingness to escape the cycle of complacency that is charted out for you by those designing our society. It’s time to live a little. Let your hair down and groove to the jams or they might just stick a Happy Butterfly Foot up your “you know what.”

 

The Certain Someones

http://www.thecertainsomeones.com

The word “trio” gets bandied about so much these days that it’s truly lost all it’s meaning. However when it comes to The Certain Someones, there is no other word that fits better to describe their line up. For in as much as “duo” is inadequate and “quartet” is perhaps a bit braggadocios, “trio” fits like a glove for this cleaver and passionate band of talented and at times profound group. Don’t be afraid to show your support with cheers.

 

The Talman Project

http://www.talmanproject.com

Sure they jam, sure they are luscious to look at, but few people know that Talman Project also wrestles under the name “El Pollo Loco,” the infamous masked master of the Atomic Elbow on the Mexican wrestling circuit. You cannot afford to miss a single note from these nascent rockers, plus check them out as they star in the sequel to the movie “The Truman Show” called “The Talman Show” due for release in Summer 2006.

 

Indwelling Phronesis

http://www.myspace.com/indwellingphronesis

Indwelling has more licks than a $1000 call girl, more chops than a butcher shop window and more grooves than the tracks on an all terrain steel belted tire. Their relentless vibe will summon the best of your inner mechanism and shuffle you off to buffalo in a big way. If you aren’t totally drawn into the evocative music of this band then you out to get a check up, you might be dead from the neck up, just like Flabby Hoffman.

 

Verona Red

http://www.veronared.com

This rough hewn and uncompromising music speaks of pure passion in a language that will resonate with those seeking a greater sense of honest entertainment. Their music is all tenderloin and no gristle, a no nonsense meal of rock and roll that will stick to your ribs chocked full of the A.M.A.’s daily recommended dosage of your essential nutrients such as riff rockers, power ballads, showstoppers and epics. 9 out of 10 doctors recommend it.

 

TV Pow

http://www.tvpow.net

Get set for the actualization of TV Pow. Unconsciously denying the intense cultural mad stampede to conform, TV Pow has an intrinsic depth not seen since the early days of Frigid Pink or the debut album of Devo. Like some musical Chiaroscuro they balance light and contrast and unique perspectives to make music that exists on many levels. Plus they invented the game, “Pin The Tail on the Demonic Politician” so they’ve got that going for them too.

 

Fast Falls The Eventide

http://www.myspace.com/ffteventide

There’s more to this band than four men. There is a bond, a singularity of purpose and intent that is rarified and focused to an edge so sharp that it can cut through razor wire like a hot spatula cutting through quarter pound stick of thawed Land O’ Lakes 100% vegetable oil margarine. Consumed by a sense of their own destiny, brimming over with enthusiasm; they have given themselves over completely to their insatiable desire to rock.

 

Goat Motor

http://www.goatmotor.com

In this day and age there are few things that stay true to their roots, but Goat Motor is one of them. This band will literally blow your guts out through the top of your skull like a whale spouting water out its blow hole. Their blazing jams and ripping riffs will come down on you like a brick avalanche and leave you feeling peppy as a little school girl on prom night. If you don’t groove off this, then you need to go in for a check up right away.

 

Melissa Ziemer

http://www.melissaziemer.com

 

Scottish McMillan

http://www.scottishmcmillan.com

 

Ascendant

http://www.ascendantmusic.com

 

Deconstructing Jim

http://www.deconstructingjim.com

It’s been a while since Deconstructing has been on a Flabby line up, stirring up their self-contained musical explosion. Those that have not seen them before best be prepared for a riff oriented assault on the senses. Don’t be afraid to scream and shout as they crank your brains to the other side of midnight…nobody will laugh at you. Nobody will endlessly ridicule you and call you a useless moron and tell you your birth was an accident.

 

Miss Manners, syndicated etiquette columnist, calls Deconstructing Jim the most Bovine Growth Hormone free band in the continental United States. There is also a strong rumor that they are very close to creating a means of accomplishing room temperature fusion using only a mule and a Fender Twin solid state guitar amplifier. So when they are finished rocking around your clock tonight, they might just save the whole damn planet.

 

The War Brides

http://www.thewarbrides.com

The War Brides have come full circle. Originally formed by a dozen golf caddies in summer of 1969 in order to write a rock opera based on the gestation period of the fetus of Mickey O’ Roarke. After that tour de force went largely unnoticed by the wonks and the demagogues, they decided to relocate to Norway where they let termites eat their credit cards and prayed every day to a large ceramic bowl which they call Arthur. Oh and they do music too.

 

Haywood Yards

http://www.haywoodyards.com

 

Kevin Mileski

http://www.kevinmileski.com

 

Chad Aroo

http://www.myspace.com/arooincognito

Cops and robbers, real life car chases, booze, fast women with loose morals who’ve lost all sense of purpose and modesty, hot potatoes, sequin boots, mohair suits, shady characters and a steady supply of barely legal teen runaway hookers. What does all of this have to do with Chad Aroo…nothing really. Chad’s all about making cool music and entertaining. I just like talking about things like hash pipes, trucker convoys, sluts and the like.

 

Tristen

http://www.tristen.com

 

The Dirty Blue

http://www.thedirtyblue.com

 

Abe Quigley

http://www.abequigley.com

 

Aerin Tedesco

http://www.aerintedesco.com

 

Andrea Bunch

http://www.andreabunch.com

 

The Reptoids

http://www.reptoids.net

 

Arlo Leach

http://www.arlotone.com

 

½ Mad Poet

http://www.halfmadpoet.com

Half Mad Poet will lead you into a burning fireball of female fronted frenetic frenzy. If by the end of their set you aren’t tuned in, turned on and dropping out, then you need to see a doctor because you must be comatose. Oy, Oy, Oy Oy!!!

 

The Apartment Burlesque Orchestra

http://www.apartmentmusic.com

 

A Band Called Pharisee

http://www.bcpmusic.com

BCP has not been on a Flabby show in quite some time, but their down to Earth megalicious jams can get downright feisty at times and make nearly everything else seem like a puddle of rancid hobo vomit. Their likes are: Art Deco, organ harvesting, talking about their feelings and peeling grapes. Their dislikes are: mayonnaise on French fries, genetically modified seed material, Fonzie, percoset junkies and doing laundry.

 

Buzz Spectors

http://www.myspace.com/thebuzzspectors

Faster than a speeding bull dyke, able to bleep long swear words with a single sound….it’s a bird, it’s a bowl of three bean salad…no, it’s Buzz Spectors! Buzz Spectors using their powerful jams to fight for truth, justice and the American cheese.

 

Not only are the Buzz Spectors perhaps the best energized rock trio this side of the Pecos, they are also the rootin-est, tootin-est, shootin-est group of desperados since the rag tag salty pack of cowpokes featured in Peckinpah’s The Wild Bunch. So mind your manners and make sure to clap and shout for their zesty jams lest they feel their honor has been sullied and they demand satisfaction on the field of honor. And buy their frickin merch you slut!

 

Dogma 95

http://www.myspace.com/dogme95

Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the roses by any other name on the road less traveled while on the way to St. Ives I met a man with seven wives perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door who said “if truth beauty and beauty truth and the slithy toves did gyre and gimbel in the wabe then do not go gentle into that good night.” And I would not eat him in a boat, and I would not eat him with a goat. Oh yeah and he does music too.

 

God Wafer

http://www.bandfile.net/godwafer

Open your mouth, close your eyes and prepare to receive a rip roaring Eucharist so powerful that you will actually see God…Godwafer that is! The power of Godwafer compels you as they bless each and every one of us with their own versions of the holy sacraments: a baptismal font full of rock and roll. They will anoint you with their mojo and absolve you of all your blues. Thou shalt have no other bands before Godwafer.

 

MiLkBabY

http://www.uvulittle.com/milkbaby

In the second slot for tonight’s show is the amorphous and truly surprising sounds of MiLkBabY. They can’t live the button down life. And with their cocky stride and dance macabre, they’ll never be the darlings of those blue bloods and zombies who stroke their beards, cluck their tongues and say “what’s do be done about this MiLkBabY?” But they will throw a party in your mouth…and we’re all invited. Teach yourself to learn.

 

Od Tapo Imi

http://www.odtapoimi.com

 

Tracy DeMarco/The Glass Hour

http://www.theglasshour.com

 

Tari Follett

http://www.tarifollett.com/

 

Joy Missile

http://www.myspace.com/joymissile

Whether they are revolutionizing the art of the Haiku, dabbling in experimental clown face design, pioneering advanced origami figures or just jamming out their diversely influenced music, you will always find Joy Missile boldly going where no sextet has gone before. The music seems to reach for a life of energy that others do not have the guts to aspire towards. Oh, and I was told that they just saved a bunch of money on their car insurance!

 

18 Speed Tranny

http://www.18speedtranny.com/

 

Sean Flannery

http://www.worldsdumbestman.com

The double host set up of tonight’s show will double your freshness and double your fun. It’s like Double Mint gum without the tooth decay. Sean joins up with the Caravan and takes it for a test spin for the very first time. Dig the minty freshness of and become a bitch to his comedic stylings and his legendary, almost heroic, command of necessary skills to pay the bills.

 

Read My Hips

http://www.readmyhips.com

The good vibes of these purveyors of tribal dance will waft over you like an exotic mist full of the rarest herbal essences and lift your spirits to a world of ambrosia. The infectious energy will bring you to the brink of nirvana, whether you cross over into their land of bliss is up to you. If you seek the comfort of true artistic abandon, well then Read My Hips is right there for you.

 

Performing at various clubs and festivals throughout Chicago, RMH is a dance troupe with a polished and rarified Tribal Fusion style. Feel the subtle coloratura of their music and breadth of their refined stylistic elements as they wash over you like a warm bath in the primordial goo from which all life sprang.

 

The ExPlanation

http://www.theexplanation.com

 

Stewed Tomatoes

http://www.stewedtomatoes.com

 

A.J. Rosales

http://www.ajrosales.com

A frequent performer on Flabby shows, A.J. has often been matched up with rock bands. Now on an acoustic show he wont be drowned out by metal heads. Rawk!

 

Long time Flabby inner circle member and bon vivant, A.J. would never claim to have stolen the works of an icon like Irving Berlin. But if he did he would have done it with a style and grace of a Katheryn Hepburn or something. What do you want from me? Get off my back! A.J. will jam your brains out with his stellar tunage and guitar rips between acts.

 

The Kit Kat Honeys

http://www.kitkathoneys.com

 

The Indoor Kids

http://www.theindoorkids.com

The Indoor Kids have been providing a mental floss for the globe and tearing it up with their blistering licks and memorable hooks. Using a power they derive from a intense talisman which they discovered on a trip to Machu Picchu called Vance, they love to love you baby. Their turn-ons include: dressing up in a cub scout uniform and snorting navel lint. Their turn offs are: girls who need to get baked to enjoy sex and coffee enemas.

 

The Indoor Kids chief weapon is a unique musical style. Unique style and great musicianship…The Indoor Kids chief two weapons are unique style, musicianship and passion…wait, I’ve got it. The Indoor Kids chief three weapons are unique style, musicianship, passion, and great tunes. Hmmm….let me try this again. Chief amongst The Indoor Kids weaponry are unique style, musicianship…oh damn! I’m out of space.

 

Sandy Andina

http://www.sandyandina.com

 

Curtis Evans

http://www.myspace.com/curtisevans

Curtis Evans, long time guy…also does the thing with the thing. He will thrill and you will learn to laugh, cry and fall in love all over again. He will make you write bad checks. Then he will touch you in the morning and then just walk away, but he’ll come back later to introduce you to an all meat tofu substitute called “Near Tofu.” If you buy it, he might name his next song after something you used to care about but lost during an air raid.

 

Fetla

http://www.fetla.com

Sure they are best known for things, but really who are the band behind the men. Sure they can roast a beantastic, incredible cup of super coffee that can make a delicious an alternative energy resource which can also serve as battery acid, but what makes them tock? Why do they bother? What drives them emotionally? A deep and inner driving need to own the basketball team the Denver Nuggets…a love for nuclear medicine? The world may never know.

 

Shooting Blanks

http://www.shootingblanks.com

Bands that play traditional Nordic folk music come and bands that play traditional Nordic folk music go…but Shooting Blanks is going to go on forever. When the moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars…these guys will get the job done regardless of whether or not someone asked them to. Why not give to them until it hurts?

 

Thyme

Featuring the combined talents of Melissa Rose Ziemer and Desiree, Thyme is rekindling the old 70’s notion of the super group bringing such amazing star power and diverse talent the likes of which has not been seen since a little band called Derek and the Dominoes brought together Eric Clapton, Duane Allman and Yanni. Both bring boat loads of undeniable talent to tear down your preconceived notions of conception. You will love to learn again.

 

The Bad Vibes

http://www.thebadvibes.com

 

Ripley Caine

http://ripleycaine.com/

 

Pete Cassani

http://antifolkonline.com/PeteCassani.html

 

Genral Patton

http://www.genralpatton.com/gig_email001.htm

 

Kick The Cat

http://www.blujazz.com/bio_KickTheCat.html

 

The Last Of The Showmen

http://www.lastoftheshowmen.com

 

Last Year’s Man

http://www.lastyearsman.com

 

The Pick Pockets

http://www.thepickpockets.net

Fresh off of their award winning starring roles on Broadway as Willy Loman in Baz Luhrmann’s spectacular children’s musical version of the Tennessee Williams play called Sesame Streetcar Named Desire. This might be their last gig for a while as they are headed into the studio and then its off to NFL Europe to play for the Barcelona Dragons.

 

The Rental Thieves

http://www.myspace.com/therentalthieves

In an uncertain world where its difficult at best to find anything to believe in let alone have unprotected sex with, a world that ritualistically vomits on anything with integrity so that nothing exists except piles of puke and crapola piled ten feet high on street corners with water theme parks that run on puke instead of water with the puke wave pool and the puke log flume ride, it’s nice to know a band like this that is guaranteed to rock your ass off.

 

The New Fuse

http://www.myspace.com/thenewfuse

When you listen down to The New Fuse you will escape into a world of vibrant musical diversity. Using top notch chops and an obvious broad based set of influences they will stun and amaze you until you forget about all that frickin road rage you had earlier today when that bastard in the BMW cut you off so bad that you almost swerved head on into a short bus full of retards. Now close your eyes and let the music deprogram you.

 

Lure

http://www.luretheband.com

You cannot help but dream of exotic lands and fairy tales when listening to the allure of Lure. Fueled by a pervasive sense of pop, tempered by coy melodic hooks and anchored by an ingrained musicianship, Lure will win over even the most intransigent scalawag. After the show, they will also be signing copies of their latest DVD movie release Lure Meets Dracula, the exciting sequel to last year’s box office smash Lure And The Technicolor Dreamcoat.

 

The Gives

http://www.thegives.com

Hey…what gives? Why “The Gives” of course. (jarring chord O.L.) Nobody expects The Gives! Amongst their weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope and nice red uniforms…oh damn I’ll have to come in again. I didn’t expect The Gives! No one expects the gives! Amongst their etc…

 

If you want a buzz, you don’t need to turn to Turkish Black Mule Heroin when you could just let the grooving music of the Gives trance you into inebriation. Sure you can start shooting up, lose your job, your apartment and descend into a cycle of turning tricks, booting swag and sleeping on a bench at the bus depot, but wouldn’t it be more fun to just sit and listen to the music of the Gives. Why not, if it doesn’t work out, the junkie life will still be there.

 

Chris MacCarthy

http://www.myspace.com/chrismaccarthy

Chris recently was in receipt of a distinct honor has having been the first person to have been successfully voted off of 4 separate nationally televised reality shows: America’s Next Urkel, Extreme Dating Your Own Sister Island, the upcoming Survivor-Iraq edition and Martha Stewart’s Apprentice. Please help soothe his fragile ego with lots of cheers.

 

City At Sea – It’s a riff extravaganza and they’re all priced to move with these tremendously talented and powerful exponents of a little thing they like to call rock and roll.

 

Moxie Motive – You too are going to have a motive once you’ve seen them in action…and that’s to see more Moxie Motive. Probably quit your job, follow them around like the Grateful Dead.

 

The Quilts – Equal parts soulful and powerful, when listening down to the Quilts you get a profound sense that somehow you are in the right place at the right time.

 

Genral Patton And His Privates – These fun and powerful rockers of the Chicago scene are gonna take you on a journey on their magic swirling ship until your senses have been stripped.

 

Arlum – The longest running act in the Flabby circle of bands currently still going which is lucky for us all as these good friends of the Flabby show know how to get it going on!

 

Ronnie And The Puzzle – One things for sure, these guys know how to rock out and have fun. Check your blues at the door because before you know it, you’ll be on the road to rockville.

 

Soul Pollution – There are a lot of genres and influences going on with Soul Pollution…all of them reshaped by their own prism into a heart pounding brand of rock mayhem that is sizzling.

 

The Ivorys – The phrase “raging torrent of unrestrained coolness” gets tossed about so much that its almost lost all meaning, but when it comes to this band, it’s the only thing that can fit.

 

Graphic Nature Showcase – featuring Semaj (8 minutes), B. Vax (15 minutes), La Ciel/ The Clyde Project. It’s a variety show within the variety show…chucked full of coolness.

 

Somersault Factory – Dance to the jangle of their guitars, sway to the rhythm of their hypnotic grooves, but most of all get down and get funky just for the funk of it.

 

Wooden Wing – Soaring melodies and harmonies take you to places that you never dreamed possible without having some form of embarrassing nocturnal emission. Ooo that’s gross.

 

Faces For Radio – Don’t let the title of this band fool you, these lovely ladies have beauty to spare in both the looks and talent department. You can’t help but dig it.

 

Phil Circle – Just having returned from a four month stint in the subcontinent where he lead a gaggle of Somali pirates in a search for booty. Having had his “phil” he returned to rock us out.

 

Dawn Xiana Moon – This band plays really _______ _ music that sounds like ___________ on a __________, You’re gonna _______ it. Fill in the most flattering words you can come up with.

 

Ben X He is actually the tenth sequel to the original “Ben” released in 1972. His star diminished a bit with Ben VIII: Ben And The Temple of Doom, but Ben IX was a huge success.

 

Electric Medicine – Take off on a magic ride through the life giving essence of pure music and see what its like to free your soul from life’s worries through the healing grooves.

 

AJ Rosales – He’s been doing shows with Flabby for 74 years now ever since those USO days back on Omaha beach during the Normandy Invasion. As profoundly talent as you’re gonna see.

 

Aaron Morales Band – Aaron ghost wrote the music and lyrics to every song ever recorded by the following bands: The Eagles, Asia, Oasis and Falco…they all owe their careers to him.

 

Top Shelf Lickers This band is top shelf talent wise and has some of the best chops you can find anywhere. Just keep in mind who told you about em first…you’re old pal Flabby.

 

Jeff Daschbach A powerful performer who’s guitar chops and voice both thrill and tantalize with equal acuity. His adroit skills and acumen, as well as his ability to accentuate are easily ascertained to be advantageous to the…hey what the heck is up with all of these “A” words?

 

Nikki Lynette – What do you get when you mix rock, hip hop and pop with tons of sass, verve and style. You get Nikki Lynette. But this kitten’s got claws and while you are watching her charismatic and fiery delivery you can’t help but feel that she is destined for big things ahead.

Esh – So much of today’s modern popular music, artists deliver a series of hooks and catchphrases with a dispassionate sense of detachment…like some motor skill learned by sheer repetition. There’s no such thing with Esh. She’s got dynamic soul to spare!

 

20 Mark Helga Like Guns And Roses were formed by combining the bands L.A. Guns and Hollywood Rose, so too was 20 Mark Helga formed by combining the bands 13 Mark and 7 Helga. Not really, but I knew I could make something up cause music this good speaks for itself.

Eleven Dollar Life – Not only is this band a fun jam laden immediate party waiting to happen at all times, but they also run a bail bond and skip tracer service. Find your dead beats in a heartbeat.

 

Jeff Daschbach – Smokin guitarist and singer who will take you from zero to badass in under 60 seconds. Also holds land speed record for nitro-injected funny cars on the hot rod circuit.

 

Sid Yiddish – This pan-dimensional perf artist always has a few tricks up his sleeve and will leave you feeling life is a more interesting place for his having been here. Plus he’s a notary public.

 

King Pignacious – Harkening back to an era where esoterica and depth were cultural avenues that people where successfully capable of achieving, this act will mesmerize and tickle your fancy

 

Kitty Mortland – A multi-talented absorbing performer, engaging the audience comes naturally for Kitty. Careful, you’ll be a big time fan faster than you can say “beetlejuice” three times.

 

Echofarm – Keep in mind as you listen to the dynamic sounds of this band that all four members are writing the music. They could probably come up with an album every week if they wanted.

 

Diana Lawrence – What’s not to like about a vivacious talent who has skills and style? I’ll tell you what’s not to like…that there aren’t more like her. Put her in your myspace top 8 right now!

 

Brian McGrath – “Gravitas” is a great way to express the presence and depth embodied in Brian’s music. In a world full of cheap fools, it is a relief to find there’s those like him around.

 

Eddie Rockit and Friends – Tired of the same ol’ same ol’? Of course you aren’t. Which is too bad, because the mouth breathing sell out in you will hate the psychotropic effects of this act.

 

Kaiju Daiko – The dynamic, strident and powerful percussion ensemble Kaiju Daiko will speed you onto a journey towards a higher plateau. Now the only question is if you really deserve it.

 

Phil Circle – A wily and cagey singer/songwriter with talent to burn and a fire in the belly to ignite it. His fun personality and long term commitment to music is full of a raucous vitality.

 

Charles Joseph Smith – Charles stunning originality proves that the world is not exclusively full of conformist, white bread robots falling all over themselves to sell out and compromise their art.

 

Eddie Rockit and Friends – Take a trip back in time with Eddie and the gang to when music was based on creative impulses just to make good music, not to glorify jailbait lip synchers.

 

Merryweather –Samurais and Mongol hordes rampaging across medieval Asia always had Merryweather playing on their iPods during their most rambunctious pillaging. So should you.

 

Somersault Factory Rumors they’re changing name to Somersault And Pepper are untrue, although it is true that their new slogan is “things go better with Somersault Factory” and they do!

 

Half Moon Mad – We are bombarded with music that is dull, says nothing and is uninspired and mechanical…no balls. That dog wont hunt with Half Moon Mad. They’ve got big brass ones.

 

Benton Harbor Lunchbox – Webster’s defines “timbre” as: the quality of a sound that distinguishes it from others as exhibited by Benton Harbor Lunchbox. Dig the nuance!

 

Help Desk Disco, new wave, Madonna, “MT/empty-V,” GaGa, Katy Perry…it’s the Dumb and Dumber culture. Help Desk’s profound musical vision can guide us from out of the darkness.

 

Blue Eyed Jesus – Don’t be cheaky-just get freaky! Let yourself get saved while awash in the jams of these sentient soldiers and you too can be reborn. Afterwards let’s get some pulled pork.

 

Bambi Raptor – Snuggly, warm and fuzzy little Bambi just wants to cuddle right? Wrong, this aint your grandma’s Bambi. This Bambi’s got claws and they’re aiming to rip you a new jam hole.

 

The Hidden Dangers – This band senses fear in an audience like a feral jungle cat, so best cheer loud as you can. Their sinewy riffs can shred a human to the bone in 5 sec.

 

Soul Pollution – They say absolute power corrupts absolutely, however the absolute musical prowess of this band hasn’t corrupted their wild jams at all. Their gonna rip your face off brotha!

 

Eleven Dollar Life – Tired of Ten Dollar Life…try the band where the Dollar Life goes to “11.” Rock yourself before you wreck yourself. They’re knockin on your door…best let em in.

 

Del Segno – Not many people know this, but in addition to their amazing, engaging music, Del Segno also invented the incandescent Philadelphia Steak Sandwich and the scented candle.

 

Boomside Biddich – Life wont be the same once you’ve seen this act in full flower. You might find yourself living in a shotgun shack, or perhaps dancing the hoochie koo.

 

The Buck Stops – Stellar exponents of the rock idiom, these boys are hitting threes from downtown with every riff. If you don’t dig their jams, then there’s something wrong with you.

 

Kelly Zullo – Electric fire and explosive kinetic energy shoots out of this gifted player at a rate so fast and furious that it might just make your head spin right off your neck hole.

 

The Skis – Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…wait, I’m not sure of what I’m getting at with this. Dig the sweet jams of The Skis while I figure it out.

 

Stoneguard – The colorful, intense, brooding power of Stoneguard’s gonna slap you silly and leave you splayed out on the floor with nothing but a smile on…naked and sweaty.

 

Spherical Banana The most common comment people say when introduced to their first dose of Spherical is “is it hot in here?” as the fiery fun sets their pulse to swelter. Burn baby burn!

 

Miss Jackie And The Sass Sultry, jamming and full of good hooks, they can mow you down and stick you like some love porcupine where every needle is a tingle up and down your spine.

 

Electric Medicine Expressive, nuanced, built by people who give a damn about mood and vibe, this band can pour it on with pure groove in ways that make Dave Matthews seem like dog food.

 

Genral Patton And His Privates Its easy to get caught up in their hilarious antics, but their jams are 100% balls out. Don’t tell ’em I said so, but they’re also about the coolest people ever.

 

Jeff Daschbach – This picker can’t get any sicker…when he gets a head of steam…watch out. He can fire off a face melter that takes the average listener from zero to 60 faster than a Maserati.

 

Legs Akimbo This band has always played like they meant every single note. You wont find any glossy, phony, posuers in or anywhere in the vicinity around this band when they whip it out.

 

Arlum – Have you been wondering where all the good modern rock and roll went? Look no further…Arlum’s gonna kick your ass into the middle of next week with a big grin on their face.

 

Visionaire – This band just makes you want to come up with a bunch of mash up words with “groove” in it like: Groovilicious, Groovetastic, Groove-a-rama-ding-dong and Groovenetic.

 

Pet Robot With impulse and sentient subdued bravado, clearly on a mission to worlds unseen and untouched by the empathic human vector…phasers along with everything else are set to stun.

 

After The Fight – They are here to launch a mission to the center of your guts and implode your blues with a skull crushing riff attack of proportions heretofore unimaginable in the rock idiom.

 

The Studs – They put the “class” in classic rock…what am I saying? This is the worst band ever. They somehow manage to keep getting more and more horrible. I think I’m gonna seriously hurl.

 

Lord Stanley If you prefer your music pre-chewed and digested like some of the modern vanilla Milli-Vanilli knock offs that their pushing down our throats, you’re out of luck here.

 

JDub – A survey of 100 professional Madonna celebrity impersonators voted JDub as one of the best at what he does and the sexiest performer in the biz…so what are you gonna do about it?

 

sTiTs Hot and tangy jams from the ladies of sTiTs are gonna have you squiming in your panties as they bring the noise without the boys in a set that shall ride you like a cheap donkey.

 

Faces For Radio These beauties can belt them out fun time and you wait and see, you’re gonna be a devoted fan for quite some time to come once you get a taste of their sultry skills.

 

Overman – There are so many reasons to love Overman that I cannot mention them in this short of a space…let’s see how far I can get: cool lyrics, fun licks, tight buns, righteous people, funny…

 

Cheer Up Moon Cat Hearing this band is like a music blow job of the senses in the corner of a bus depot during the evening rush hour while sitting behind a priest and a horse whisperer.

 

Push Christian rapper and newcomer to the Flabby shows is gonna add a touch of class to the proceedings with perhaps a life affirming message that doesn’t need to be crass to be expressive.

 

Jason Kluss Trio – Many have suggested that if you stare at them long enough you see pictures of things like catamarans and sail boats like those photos at the mall, but their just a fun band.

 

Digital Musical Orchestra – If performance is defined as the transmission of thoughts, feelings and visual stimulus to the brain, then these guys have a bigger stimulus package than Obama.

 

Amy PlainOleDelicious – Her music/energy is a real turn on, and just like her nom de guerre suggests, once you get a taste you want to go back for seconds cause she’s plain ole delicious.

 

Rebecca F. – Talk about your complete package. She’s a veritable one stop show for musical talent, poetic insight and profound expression all in one. If you can’t dig it, its your problem.

 

Fist Funk Fury In Roman Myth, the Furies formed when Titan Cronus castrated his father Uranus and threw his genitalia into the sea. Thus started obsession for Romans with genitalia and uranus. Fist Funk Fury however is focused mainly on funk not junk.

 

Party At The Moontower Blaze one up as these powerful musical exponents shove a bombardment of intense funky rock right up your giggy. They’ve got double…maybe even triple the funk-o-liciousness of your average band and they’re loaded for bear.

 

Justice Prevails These showstoppers have got chops and a little something us old timers in the biz refer to as “pizzazz.” Look if you aren’t groovin with these guys right from the get go…then you ought to “get going” to the doctor, because you might have a damaged mojo.

 

Electric Medicine Living legends here in Chicago, reaching back into the days when soul was soulful and bliss was blissful. You want to know where it was at back in the days when things mattered and when life was full of possibilities…well here you go.

 

Maish Thomas The grooves these guys light up are full of surprises that take you on a ride to intriguing, unforeseen destinations. If you don’t believe me here is what Time Magazine had to say: “Thank you for calling Time Magazine…please leave a message after the tone”

 

Shannon Richardson Band Textured, full of vitality, and sometimes fiery in ways that shape colors into a brighter verve. There’s an honesty at its root that speaks to the mysteries all around us. One taste and you’re gonna be hooked, like some kind of musical crack pipe.

 

Arlum Great songs, great riffs and a commitment to spirited and genuine rock and roll are some of the elements missing from today’s pre-chewed and distilled fake plastic cow pies that they pass off as music….all of which Arlum has in great abundance. Dig it baby!

 

Norman Toronto This gigantic sounding band has got a brute strength that few bands anywhere can touch. Its just all so heavy, like the whole goddamn world is channeling through the screaming prism of their viscera. Its all so thick that its just got to be fattening.

 

The Root Cause Soulful and full of life, they are the means and the end. So if love Katy Perry and the hordes of phonies they traipse out on the radio these days…Root Cause is about to give you a wake up call that you missed the boat somewhere along the way in a big way.

 

Fersher Little is known of these travelling troubadours, yet their reputation for extreme jams is the stuff of legend. Abandoned as youths and raised by wild tit mice out back of an Outback Steakhouse, they developed a preternatural instinct for whatever it is tit mice do.

   

The Lauren Wolf Band If you want to learn all their secrets, just listen to the pumping and primping of her and the band tearing the cover off Move Over and then change gears into the combo of salacious and gravitas of One Day and you’ll get a sense that these waters run deep.

 

Ronnie And The Puzzle This band has a way of taking you on a trip through your memories even though you might not know them. The breadth and scope of their voice speaks to a common thread somehow we can all recognize as if you were the missing piece of the puzzle.

 

Bambi Raptor Spirited and driven exponents of the best that rock music has to offer. Passion, fun, blazing riffs and a life affirming penchant for occasionally playing in their underwear. It don’t get no better than these guys, musically or personally.

 

Dawn Xiana Moon, Lee Na-Moo, CC Zheng From Read My Hips Read My Hips has been one of Chicago’s premiere dance troupes for many years and we are all in for a real treat. I’ll let you in on a secret, Dawn Xiana Moon is also one of the most evocative musicians there is.

 

Visionaire Say what you want about your favorite bands, the fact is that you cant spell the word “party” without Visionaire. Because a gig without Visionaire is just a gig, but when Visionaire is on the scene we’re talking party time! Careful you don’t shake something loose.

 

The Vanarays Jaw dropping vibes come pouring forth from these expressive fellahs in irresistible waves of powerful and splendidly evocative pulses. This is where music should have gone before the corporate scalawags hijacked it all to squaresville.

 

Lian Paranoia Here is a band that combines fire and ice, ocean and desert, space and proximity into a stew of unforgettable profundity and startling power. Driven to find ways to be more driven there is a sense of these guys needing to fulfill the needs of the needy.

 

Art Garden – What do you get when you cross Britney Spears with Taylor Swift? I don’t know but Art Garden would probably kick its ass nine ways to sunday with their cool jams.

 

Wally Dogger – Sure none of them can speak english, and they aren’t legally allowed to play at clubs within 50 yards of an animal shelter…but they are the sexiest damn band in town.

 

Spherical Banana – Not to be cornfused with the Octagonal Orange or the Square Pomegranate, Spherical Banana is ready to chew bubble ass and kick names…and they’re all out of bubble ass.

 

Soul Fix – Hang out with your wang out as these face melters smash and claw their way into your groove thing with reckless and wild abandon. You might just wanna have their baby…just sayin.

 

Monk 9 – Time to get crunk and get your ass spanked by Monk 9 until its raw, red and blistered. They will leave you a chewed up heap of gunk, shivering in a puddle of your own goregasm.

 

Aaron Morales Band – He will cane you like a hurri-rock…or something like that. He has often been referred to as a combo of Ice Cube and Bertolt Brecht by groups of deaf and blind people.

 

Hail The Black Dragons – If you survive their amazing set, and only few can, you will be transformed into the legendary Philosopher King that Plato theorized as the perfect leader.

 

Right Eye Rita – She is imbued with sensitivities way beyond the average dink and uses that ability to put her ear to the ground and report back to us on life in its most organic composition.

 

Orifice A – One thing’s for sure, once you hear this rockin bunch of wild men strut their stuff, you’ll want to take Orifice A home with you to hug and squeeze and love and experiment with.

 

City By The Sea – You don’t need to get tanked up on cough syrup to enjoy the luscious tones of this superb musical outfit, but it wont hurt things a darn bit. Don’t forget to share!

 

Hidden Dangers – These guys are a walking, talking, breathing party waiting to happen. In an age where music is digitally molded by computers, its great to hear music made for the fun of it.

 

The Top Shelf Lickers – Get naked and swing off the vines as this stellar brand new band goes for the gusto…you’ll be tempted to use a fork, but use a spoon, you’ll want to get every drop.

 

Art Garden – You don’t need to get tanked up on cough syrup to enjoy the luscious tones of this superb musical outfit, but it wont hurt things a darn bit. Don’t forget to share!

 

Dawn Xiana Moon – This enchanting songstress is evocative and profound, bold and yet delicate issuing forth melodies that’ll transport you to a genteel world where art and thoughtfulness reign.

 

Nature Devil – Its hard to categorize this band’s unique sound into genres, so here are some acts they don’t sound like: The Sex Pistols, Liza Minelli, NWA, The USC Marching Band or Cher.

 

The Gatling Goats – Get naked and swing off the vines as this stellar brand new band goes for the gusto…you’ll be tempted to use a fork, but use a spoon, you’ll want to get every drop.

 

Driftin Luke – What better way to end an election week showcase than to dig the dulcet tones of the Americana and country influenced Driftin Luke. There’s nothing that good music can’t soothe.

 

The Roaring 22’s – One of the best bands you’ve never heard of, their blistering and blazing music can peel the skin off a grape in less than 10 seconds. Can you do that? I didn’t think so.

 

Nature Devil – Their ball gags taste like gently used condoms and sure, their Brown Bunny is not the one that gave Vincent Gallo the blow job in the movie. Still they can rock you out sexy time.

 

The Period – Get naked, shave your chest hair and swing off the vines as this stellar band goes for the gusto…you’ll be tempted to use a fork, but use a spoon, you’ll want to get every drop.

 

The Studs – If the Exit Nightclub is a rockin, don’t bother knockin…just come on in cause its The Studs and one things for sure…they are ready to get this party started. Are you ready for it?

 

Actual Rhinoceros – So you say you’ve been looking for stellar modern jazz mixed with hip hop? Look no further, as this amazing band is gonna blow your mind nine ways to Sunday

 

Phalinx

http://www.myspace.com/phalinx13

The night starts off with an authentic jamtastic kick in the fruit bowl in the person of Phalinx, a profound and uncompromising rock/alt/metal combo. While their jams are becoming well known, what few people know is that Phalinx is also one of the leading researchers in the field of chemical engineering and the chit chat around the water cooling tower speculates that they are close to patenting their own non-stick replacement for Teflon.

 

Loomis

http://www.loomismusic.com

 

Los Gatos Diablos

http://www.geocities.com/losgatosdiablos/

 

Low Chain

http://www.lowchain.com

 

Shelly Miller

http://www.shelleymiller.net/

 

Sons Of The Never Wrong

http://www.sons.com/

 

The Rabble Rousers

http://www.rabblerousersband.com

 

Ellen Rosner

http://house-of-music.com/ellenrosner/

 

The Rubies

http://www.rubiesmusic.com

 

Void Where Prohibited

http://www.void-where-prohibited.com/

 

The Wandering Endorphin

http://www.wanderingendorphin.com

 

Jaik Willis

http://www.jaikwillis.com

The only thing that matches Jaik’s amazing voice is the depth of his character. Maybe he’ll bring his flying “V” acoustic…the freakiest acoustic guitar ever.

 

Moxie Motive

http://www.moxiemotive.com

Our headliners for tonight’s show are starting to emerge as a force to be reckoned and one of those acts that have a creative impulse driving their popularity.

 

Sean Wiggins

http://www.seanwiggins.com/seanwiggins/

COMIC SECTION

Ricky March – What can be said about Ricky that hasn’t already been scribbled on every bathroom wall from here to China. He also invented the McRim Job sandwich for Micky D’s.

Thomas Bottoms – Not only does he get to host Flabby Fest, this is also his 12th birthday. Don’t let his youthful looks deceive you, he’s the funniest 12 year old comic on the rock circuit.

Dave Odd – Sure he’s funny…sure he hosts and books more shows than anyone in the history of everything…sure he’s got a legendary horse penis that rivals Rasputin…wait I forgot my point.

Caryn Ruby – She’s a straight talkin, fun lovin comic whose wit and humor are gonna take her places and you’ll be sitting around like a chump dangling your pud off the side of your easy chair.

Marcos Lara – He’s happy and peppy and bursting with love, and he’s got your pet doggie squirreled away in some spider hole somewhere and unless you laugh like crazy…the dog get’s it.

Maurice Shaw – Laugh your ass off so much that you wont know what hit you so afterwards when Maurice does his comedy set you wont feel so used. Just kidding, he’s very funny.

Ian Foley – Early to bed, early to rise. In and between he cooked and cleaned and went out of his mind. Going through life with blinders on its…wait that’s not Ian, that’s TV’s Alice.

Mike Wiley – He’s a long time guy and it shows in both his style and the deepness of his voice, but more importantly he’s got the funny under his belt and can whip it out on you lickity split.

 

Patty Vaccccccarrrelllllla She a great comedian and has carved out a niche for herself with her own awesome showcase, but I am tired of guessing how to spell that name.

Darren Marshall – He was working at a bridal shop in Flushing Queens til his boyfriend kicked him out in one of those crushing scenes…oh, wait that’s not Darren that’s TV’s The Nanny.

Kate Cullen – She’s funny with a ha ha in ways that you only wish you were…you’re jealous. Its about time you admitted it. Then you can come to grips with your inadequacies and heal.

Caryn Ruby – Our host for tonight’s show is a straight talkin, fun lovin comic who is smooth and witty, thinks on her feet and provides a lot of fun energy to all the shows she’s a part of. Comedy is her primary game and she is frequently tossing out the thigh slappers at clubs here and in L.A.

Maggie Ednie – You’d have to be a real mouth breathing dunce to not get some hearty laughs during Maggie’s take no prisoners comic stylings…too bad there’s so many dunces out there.

Bryan Bowden – They say “those who can’t do…teach,” but in the case of this comedian who happens to teach…don’t you believe it. He can take you to funny in lickity split or less.

Ryan Walker – There’ve been lots of famous “Walkers” Walker Texas Ranger, Luke Skywalker …well maybe that’s it, but Ryan Walker is by far the funniest of them all. It ain’t even close.

Ever Mainard – You can be as responsive as you want for Ever’s fun and jaunty comedic approach, but word to the wise…if you aren’t supportive she might go Everdactyl on your ass!

Matt Slater – Drawing observations of the world and life, this multi-dimensional comic is a triple threat with stand up, writing and improv skills. He’s also heir to the throne of Luxembourg.

Aaron McGaw – Aaron’s combo of magic and comedy is exciting, maybe too exciting for some. Those with a heart condition are advised to seek a doctor’s permission before indulging in his set.

Sam Norton – A comic who, unlike Teddy Roosevelt, speaks loudly and carries a big stick. If you do not dig what he has to offer, you are the one with the problem and must totally suck.  

Chris Stephens – A comic with a crafty wit with a broad perspective and range would hate Chris Stephens…that’s because Chris is moving in on their territory. Guaranteed to make you chortle

Tony Blanco – If media featured funny and intelligent characters instead of the no talent hacks they keep giving TV series to, Tony would clean up (and I don’t mean as in housekeeping).

Sadiq Samani – Here’s a fun game. While watching Sadiq’s set when you say or think the words “no he didn’t” you have to huff airplane glue out of a paper bag (in between laughs of course).

Patty Vaccarella – With rapidly growing comedic skills and a rabid horde of loyal fanatics swarming to get inner circle status in her posse, can her own sitcom be far off…book it.

Bryan Bowden – Here’s a comedian that’s got a lot of expressive skills and each one of them add up to laughs. Here’s a thought, why don’t you underwrite a comedy album and tour for him?

Dharmesh Bhagat – This clever and talented juggler has a stylistic approach to the discipline of juggling that is a real eye opener. He’ll make you realize your life is worth something again.

April Kaprelian – Funny, sexy, alluring and great energy are all in abundant supply with April. She’s an empowering presence, totally loaded for bear and will definitely tear you a new one.

Maggie Ednie – The only act who has been on all 3 Flabby Cavalcades. Once you see her in action you’ll know why. She’s a great entertainer, a laugh riot and you are not fit to kiss her feet.

Pat Iceberg Slim Doran – The only comic on the line up listed with 4 names. He quite possibly could be, the greatest 4 named comic in history. Hey, history rhymes with mystery…wow!

Travis T. – This performer has a list of accomplishments and experiences that would choke a bus load of rejects from the TV series The Biggest Loser. He’ll teach you how to love all over again.

 

Prashanth Venkataramanujam – Possibly the only performer tonight that has not had his Wikipedia page deleted, more importantly his clever, uncompromised humor is infectious.

Ricky March – Not only does he get to host Flabby Fest’s Comedy line up, this is also his 12th birthday. Don’t let his looks deceive you, he’s the funniest 12 year old comic on the rock circuit.

Russ Martin – The new Russ Martin is not a clone sent to destroy boredom…or is he. Why not sneak up behind him during his set and give him a reach around. If he squirms, he’s still human.

Patty Vaccarella – The Leopard Lady is hilarious and you’d best play nice. Cause if you don’t the leopard’s razor claws can swipe through your neck like a credit card through your atm.

Jonathan Finn – Great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandson of Huckleberry Finn.

Drew Michael – I drew Michael once, but the picture came out awful. This particular Michael draws too. He “draws” from life experience, draws conclusions and draws numbers for the lotto.

Almondo Burks – Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t. Almondo Joy’s got nuts…Mounds don’t. So sit back, shut your pie hole and take his funny like a man.

Nick Rosario – He’s spent last 25 years in a isolation float tank being fed nothing but comedy and Ding Dongs as part of experiment by govt. to create the perfect comic. Should be good.

Darren Marshall – Here are some words I can come up with out of the letters of his name Boggle style: red, rash, rare, shell, penis envy, blotter acid, panty raid, fecal freak and darn.

Thomas Bottoms – Host/comic who combines two elements of comedy that you find less and less of these days: jokes and laughter. Too many forget to get the laughter part going.

Sherman Edwards – Named in part after the famous inventor of confetti, Jebediah Sherm, this comic has continued the tradition of being spread all over parties to help things get festive.

Lewis Rhine – His original name was Xerces Pumperwinkle, but he changed it so as not to be confused with famous Remington Steel actor Bronson Pinchot. Wait, am I awake?

Leah Eva – Her name is actually an anagram for the phrase: “leave hear” which is an old Mayan term for something…I don’t know, what do I look like, an expert on Mayans.

David Laipple – He’s the black private dick who’s a sex machine with all the chicks…no wait that’s Shaft. Who is this guy and who gave him Shaft’s time slot on the Comedy Cavalcade?

Charlie Stone – Say “Unique New York” ten times fast…ha! You can’t. What you can do however is check out the amazingly funny and witty Charlie peddling his ha-ha’s to great effect.

Darwin Doobers – Saying Darwin is a man among munchkins and that the rest of the entertainment world is not fit to kiss the hem of his garment is not an exaggeration bitch.

Mike Wiley – Feeling a tingle and bead of moisture forming in your crotch during Mike’s set is completely normal. It’s Mike’s animal magnetism reaching out and cupping your junk.

Joe Red – You know Big Red, Red Badge Of Courage, Red White And Blue and even Mao’s Little Red Book…now you can add Joe Red to your list of crimson experiences.

Chris Fair – No Chris “Fair” is not an event in southern IL that features a hog calling contest and fried twinkies…this Chris Fair is a funny comic with fried twinkies and a hog calling contest.

Salty Peters – What can I say about Salty that hasn’t already been said in a wide variety of Penthouse Forum articles? Perhaps just a warning…keep an eye on your G-MILFS.

Ricky March – The Ides Of March, March Of Dimes, Million Man March, March Madness…none of these March’s can hold a candle to Ricky. His comedy rules them all.

Marcos Lara – Challenge your preconceived notions and open your mind, because Marcos looks like he’s about to launch into deth metal, but he’s actually looking for laughs not headbanging.

  Trey Mowder – Has an amazing wit and sly delivery. The engaging way that Trey melds humor with his strong personal convictions reminds us how pre-conceived notions can sell us short.

Joshua Bermont – Robert Frost said, “a poem begins as a lump in the throat.” With Joshua, his poems begin with something else in YOUR throat. For legal reasons I can’t say more than that.

Wild Card – Tired of feeling like a 98 pound weakling and getting your filth hole pounded by even the cream puffiest of nerds? Wild Card will reinstate your lost sense of self through improv.

PK Hemmons Not only is he a funny comic, but rumors throughout the community have him pegged as only a few cc’s short of being history’s most prolific sperm donor soon to be no. 1.

Mike Glazer Glazer the Tazer we used to call him back in high school when he was voted the most likely to perform at a Flabby Fest comedy stage in the senior year book. Who’da thunk it?

Amelia Kleymann Though certain syllables in her name suggest it, she’s not the bastard love child of

Amelia Earhart and pianist Richard Clayderman, she can role play it if the price is right.

Ryan Reynolds Ryan performed on day 1 of Flabby Fest so he doesn’t really belong in this program, however I didnt know he was playing so he didn’t get a write up…oops I’m out of space.

Colin Nelson Let’s play a trick on Colin. Scurry up to the stage and cup his balls…or don’t I don’t care. Maybe order a pizza with navel lint and anchovies and have it delivered to his house.

Phil Burns We are all confronted with challenges and obstacles to surmount. Overcoming them measures our character. What does this have to do with Phil? Nothin…I just don’t know the guy.

Andrea Schwartz Prepare for laughs and guffaws as Andrea hits the stage. You probably wont get any, but be prepared just in case…I’m kidding. She’s funnier than you are that’s for damn sure.

Andrea Scott Be careful around people who have two first names as their first and last name. They’re always tense and zesty. That 2nd first name drives ’em wild. Did I mention she’s funny?

David Kellaghan Back in the 70’s, the name Kellaghan was synonymous with the water softener biz. The phrase “hey Kellaghan man!” was iconic. Now its synonymous with comedy.

Prashanth Venkataramanumjam Prashanth doesn’t know it, but in 3 years he’s going to get hit by a police tazer during a sex sting and get super powers to have indestructible ear lobes.

James Fritz No one knows who this person is or why he’s here. He just showed up and is not leaving til we give him 5 minutes and a cherry toaster strudel. Just kidding of course…or am I?

Andrew Van Antwerp – The Belgian etymology of his name is a macguffin. He’s not a Belgi at all, if anything he’s a Frenchy posing as a Belgi or perhaps a Luxemborgian posing as a Belgi.

Laura Hugg She’s probably tired of jokes combining robot talk with her name like: Laura hug, Laura speak, Laura take dictation, Laura perform lezzie scene, but who am I to twist the blade.

Steve Long Here’s potential cheesy album titles for Steve’s first release: The Long And Short Of It, Long Time Coming, Donkey Long, Long Water, Bigger And Longer and The Long Run.

Vinny Rapponi Here’s a list of possible TV titles for Vinny when he gets a series: Here’s Vinny, Everybody Loves Vinny, 9021-Vinny, I Dream Of Vinny and The Vinny Bunch.

Kate Cullen I’d say that you never know what’s gonna come out of Kate’s mouth, but there are those that’d take it the wrong way and don panchos like at a Gallagher show. Hey Don Pancho!

Ian Ellis He’s famous in scientific/gaming circles due to the fact that his name is un-Boggle-able. In other words you cant spell any legit words from the letters in his name. I dare you to try.

Anne Root Here’s a list of possible titles for Anne’s autobiography for when she gets a book deal: Root For The Home Team…actually that’s all I’ve got. All the others I can think of suck.

Ricky March – Back when he was a male orderly, Nurse Ricky was the first one to sneak in a free blow job off of all the new brain dead patients using their drool as a sex lube. Too harsh?

Brian ImigMusician, online radio show host and live venue host, Brian has got a lot of heart to go along with a pleasant demeanor which should keep tonights show from gliding into an iceberg.

Harold Pierre While the french sounding last name might have you saying “oui, oui” there might be a different type of wee wee in your pants from laughing when Harold gets to it.

Sean White – Sean was voted by his kindergarten class as the most likely to be published in the American Journal Of Unified Quantum Mechanics Theory by the age of 107. He’s got a shot.

Chris Sowa – He’s been digging in your neighbor’s back yard for 3 weeks trying to tunnel under your home to listen in on you and get fresh material. Now we can laugh at your private antics.  

Thomas Bottoms – This multi-faceted performer not only takes you from zero to funny as fast as any high performance vehicle, but he also the host of his own comedy showcase as well.

Niel And Lein – Only a mouth breathing brain stem, moronic sycophant and quasi-fascist communist sympathizer wouldn’t laugh until they messed themselves with this improv duo.

The Slap Chops – You want your entertainment so thick that you’ll be tempted to eat it with a fork? The Slap Chops are what’s for dinner baby! But use a spoon, you’ll want to get every drop.

Grey Laurene Dolan – Did a 1 woman show portraying a woman with a 1 man show portraying a man with a 1 woman show Victor/Victoria style. Not really, but she’ll make you laugh for sure.

Bryan Bowden – Magic tricks of being frozen in a block of ice for nearly 13 years and giving the Statue Of Liberty are things that Bryan has never done, but he will get your ha ha’s out.

Patty Vaccarella – The leopard print priestess of the local comedy scene. Comedy is grounded in a real life sensibility everyone can relate to. Plus she’s about to become a comedy hostess as well.

Matt Slater – His attempts to control the globe and bring about a Matt Slater centric comedic empire are right on track for this stellar comic to take over everything on Earth by next week.

  Debe Welch – She’s a crowd pleaser and a talented performer who’ll have you hoppin and boppin to her dulcet tones…and she’ll also perform and surgical procedure after the show for $99.95.  

David Drake – Careful…those watching this funny man are quite likely to soil their adult protective undergarments as they laugh themselves into a heap of useless drooling putty.

Jay Harris – Melding good material with precise timing comes effortlessly for Jay. Too bad he doesn’t have a better sense of humor. Just kidding, Jay’s got the funny and he’ll nail you with it.

Kate Cullen – Don’t get on the wrong side of this hot tamale. She shows no quarter to those that come under the microscope of her sultry purview. Can you feel the sizzle? You know you do.

Dan Luke – Hey…Luke is no fluke at all. There’s so much wit and laughter he’ll bring into your miserable little lives in just a short set. Cause he’s got something you’ll never have…talent!

Walter Windchill – Good evening Mr. & Mrs. America from border to border, coast to coast and all the ships at sea. Let’s go to press…This just in, Walter Windchill is funny!

Rich Zito – At first I thought he was a solo acoustic act…now I find out he’s a comedian. So that shows to go me. Its like Rosanne Rosannadanna used to always say…whoops out of space.

  Nick Endquist – Some people think that there are funny things about life that can make people laugh or think…but most are just idiots. Fortunately, Nick is one of the first category. Enjoy!  

Molly Moon – Who’s a black private dic who’s a sex machine with all the chicks? It sure ain’t Molly. She’s more of like a funny comedian who’s looking to do her act and get some guffaws.

  Thomas Bottoms – He’s an irreverent and witty comic with the ability to really make people laugh. Unfortunately for him though, he’s a singer songwriter…just kidding, he’s really a comic.  

Marc Peurye – Rumors about Marc being a mad scientist piecing together a race of atomic robots to rule the world is a mild tall tale, he’s just a comic trying to take over the comedy scene.

Marcos Lara – He’ll start you off with his insightful and humorous observations on life and then he’ll take audience out for a round of frosty chocolate milk shakes…that’s the type of guy he is.

Mike Sheehan – In addition to giving you a few laughs and trying to relieve you of a bit of life’s stress, Mike can also Feng Shui your entire work space and turn your cubicle into a chick magnet.

 

Chevy Debbie – She’s a such a hottie…she oughta be Mazerati Debbie. But watch out, this kitten’s got claws. Claws in the form of hysterical jokes that’ll have you totally wetting yourself.

  Thomas Bottoms – Life’s a more colorful place with Thomas around: through his great observational spins, his hosting of shows and his devilishly hot ass when wearing bloomers.  

Jodie Aranas – Please keep in mind when the talented and exotic spinning poi that Jodie so capably wields are in full tilt, that we cannot have flash photography (or flash drives either).

Collin A. Bullock – Collin got his lucky break when he was discovered sitting on a soda fountain stool at a Hollywood soda fountain and…wait a minute, that was Lana Turner. Who is this guy?

Mike Sheehan – Seep into the morass of Mike as he takes you on a fun excursion into the dank, moist recesses of your sanctum where he’ll make a point of sticking you with his barbs.

Ricky March – Who’s a black private dic who’s a sex machine with all the chicks? That’s Ricky March. But watch out…this kitten’s got claws. Seriously he’ll make you bust a nut with laughter.

Momma McCrae – Like some ritual passed on by tribesmen, our cool closers are out to rock you and take you on a trip to the other side of wither. You’ll emotions should swell to 3 times the size.

Ricky March – In what he calls a ritual passed on by his Andalusian tribesmen, our sartorial host Sloop has hosed down all the chairs in the theater with his scent secreted from his rump.

Emily Lake – Her small town roots informing her act pay real dividends for crowds…and by that I mean laughter, not the type of dividends that evaporate from your 401k every year or so.

  Paul Sigwerth – A diversely influenced person, Paul lists both Nine Inch Nails and The Yonder Mountain String Band as faves. Could he be the post punk industrial hillbilly messiah? Perhaps.  

Chevy Debbie – She’s a such a hottie…she oughta be Mazerati Debbie. But watch out, this kitten’s got claws. Claws in the form of hysterical jokes that’ll have you totally wetting yourself.

Bubba Muski – In addition to a hot comedic style, Bubba also hosts his own showcases helping Chicago comedy scene. So if you want to offer him sexual favors, maybe he can get you a gig.

Maggie Edney – Maggie’s gets crowds laughing so much so we are now required by state law to give out adult protective undergarments before her set for when you pee yourself.

Kenneth Carl Witzgall – The more I reviewed the work and bio of Kenneth, the more I was convinced that he is Moadib from Dune. Is he the Kwisatz Haderach? Yeah, he totally might be.

 

Joe Larkin – Joe’s a seasoned vet, of comedy and life so he has a wide array of experiences and sensibilities to draw from. Rumor is he’s starting a Rent’s Too Damn High Party chapter as well.

Andrew Van Antwerp – Sure he’s great at comedy, but his real love is talking about how much he hates the Boston Bruins. In fact run up after the set and tell them how much Bobby Orr sucks.

Ryan Reynolds – Comedy comes easy to Ryan, that’s because he sees so much in the world that’s easy to make fun of. And why not? The world is totally tripping its balls off these days.

Molly Moon – The comic of a 1000 faces is a bright up and coming star in the making and you are damn lucky to have her as co-host. Now kiss the rings bitch! I said kiss the rings!!!

Patty Vaccarella – “Party” Vaccarella does wonders with the bone…your funny bone that is. You’ll laugh so hard you’ll spit blood and this time it wont be from alcohol damage to your liver.

  The Puterbaugh Sisters – This fun and endearing duo jokes, sings, and wigs out with great aplomb. Plus they told me before the show that each of you audience members has a hot ass.  

Ryan Reynolds – This dude is rude, nude and misconstrued…and he’s got attitude. So if you’re a prude this could be a prelude to a….nuts, I’m all out of words that rhyme with “ood.”

Paul Ferrell – Paul seems like a funny person with guile and a hearty contextual sensibility. Then again, so’s your momma. That’s right bitch I’m talkin to you. Hey take it easy, its just a joke.

  Travis Tack – His wry delivery and stinging humorous approach definitely has a cool sort of churlish in a good way side to it. The Tack Attack is comin for you brother…whatcha gonna do?

Kristi Treitman – In the perfect world we live in, there’s almost no reason we would need a few laughs in our lives right? Regardless, Kristi is ready to get you busting out with a bunch of them.

Thomas Bottoms – It’s Bottom’s Up with Thomas. He’ll make you laugh…bet your “bottom” dollar. He won’t bottom out. He’s no bottom dweller. Whatever it is, he’ll get to the bottom of it.

Caryn Ruby – Funny, vibrant and a electric, this comic can brighten the room. Its probably more than you deserve…you with your lousy snot nosed attitude. You’re a total dork and you know it.

Marcos Lara – There’s rumors that Marcos was dosed with gamma rays at an open mike and can now turn into The Hulk? So, while its easy to laugh at his jokes, best not make him angry.

Thomas Bottoms – He’s got flair to spare and a wit that wont quit. Hey that’s a pretty good line. I should probably quit while ahead. Only place to go from here is down and I hate going down.

 

Walter Windchill – Voted not most likely to succeed, instead voted most likely to secede as in secede from The Union. Been trying to start his own country of funny comics like him for years.

Grey Laurene Dolan – Grey knows how to deliver the laughs. In fact she’s gotten so good at delivering, if she doesn’t get you to laugh in 20 minutes or less, you get 10% off your next joke.

Chevy Debbie – In addition to being one funny lady, she is also the last person on Earth to have a working Betamax machine. Problem is the only tape she has is Cinderfellah starring Jerry Lewis.

Travis Tack – Tack is on the attack, he’s the Wacky Tack. Blistering the targets of his angst with a vicious brutality that can only be described as “vicious” and “brutal” (not really but he is funny).  

Gabe Wilkins – The most dominant power forward of his era, this former NBA star is probably one of the best of all time…oh wait. That’s Dominique Wilkins. This is the funny one.

Renea Williams – Fresh from a stint starring in a solo version of West Side Story performed entirely in ancient Sanskrit, Renea is ready to blow your mind with insight, comedy and verve.

Frank Leyden – What can I say about Frank that hasn’t already been said…on his FBI most wanted poster. Just kidding. The only people Frank is wanted by are fans in search of laughs.

  Jen Ducharme – Funny, witty, charming, insightful…these are all words Jen might use to describe someone who is actually talented. Just kidding…those are words to describe Jen.  

Ricky March – He’s funny, irascible, uncompromising and never an ass kisser and that’s refreshing these days now that everyone’s a total douche bag. Plus check out the man’s hot ass.

Frank Babbitt – Half of the legendary comedic duo Babbitt and Costello, Babbitt came up with the iconic Who’s On First….hang on. Frank is a cool local comic. He probably isn’t the same guy.

Michael Klasek – Not to be confused with Vlasic which is a pickle. Which ironically I am told he stuffs his crotch with before every show. Seriously though…this Klasek is a “classic.”

Ricky March – Not only does he get to host Flabby Fest’s Comedy line up, this is also his 12th birthday. Don’t let his looks deceive you, he’s the funniest 12 year old comic on the rock circuit.

Caryn Ruby – She’s a straight talkin, fun lovin comic whose wit and humor are gonna take her places and you’ll be sitting around like a chump dangling your pud off the side of your easy chair.

Thomas Bottoms – Not only does he get to host Flabby Fest, this is also his 12th birthday. Don’t let his youthful looks deceive you, he’s the funniest 12 year old comic on the rock circuit.

David Leonardis – It’s actually his birthday tonight, and this long time gallery owner/local cable host ‘s gonna need a birthday spanking. He’s been very naughty so make sure every swat counts.

Caryn Ruby – Rumors that she’s the host vessel of Vigo The Carpathian from Ghostbusters 2 are slightly exaggerated. However should Slimer interrupt her funny set…who you gonna call?

Chevy Debbie – This tart lady has juicy tidbits of comedic brilliance that’ll light up the stage with spicy humor. If the mike is a rockin, don’t bother knockin…its Chevy Debbie doin her thing.

Max Le Bien – He got his start in audio working at Radio Disney on a show called “Graphic Sex With Multiple Anonymous Sex Partners” we’re lucky to have him at the helm of this show.

Caryn Ruby – She’s a straight talkin, fun lovin comic whose wit and humor are gonna take her places and you’ll be sitting around like a chump dangling your pud off the side of your easy chair.

Thomas Bottoms – Not only does he get to host Flabby Fest, this is also his 12th birthday. Don’t let his youthful looks deceive you, he’s the funniest 12 year old comic on the rock circuit.

  MISC. ARTISAN SECTION  

Rainbow Kitty There are plenty of artists that can do works that seem angelic, but few can actually transform into the angelic apparition you are about to see from Rainbow Kitty.

Rob Hogan – Rob’s uses like 136,000 dabs from a magic marker to form startling perspectives full of depth. If you ask, maybe he’ll use those markers to connect your back acne.

 

Michel Rosenthal – Paul Simon has the song “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover” while Michel has 10,000 Ways To Use A Bottle Cap. Fun icons or have her customize it.

 

Roslyn Broder Her jewelry evokes a lot of dynamic patterns and distinguished tones and shades in a way that blows you away on close inspection and turns heads more than a train wreck.

Chris Drew – Chris has taken his stellar T-Shirt work beyond the art world. He is a throwback to when the person creating the art mattered just as much as the work.

Anthony Barnett – His art is memorable, accessible and has a commitment to quality that’s indescribable. Ask him to sign a napkin for you, in a few years it’s gonna be worth millions.

 

Julie Parkhurst – She’s got a style that’s all her own, but you can own a piece of it. Why not class up yourself real good and buy like a couple dozen pieces or more.

Shayna Norwood – AKA Steel Pedal Press, Shayna’s print work has impeccable style and class. Buy some and send off to friends and they’re gonna think you’re an aristocrat.

Tara O’ Shea – Art seems to come easy for this creative wiz. In addition to the cool things she’s displaying tonight, she’s got photography skills, music skills and nunchuck skills.

Jenny Rotten – The name’s “Rotten” the artwork’s anything but. Her photo/graphic fabric prints are so fabu, if you don’t immediately want one, something’s wrong with you.

Terry Tuccori – Say “Unique New York” ten times fast…ha! You can’t. What you can do however is check out the amazingly unique guitar string art from this talented vendor.

David Leonardis – It’s actually his birthday tonight, and this long time gallery owner/local cable host ‘s gonna need a birthday spanking. He’s been very naughty so make sure every swat counts.

Susan Abelson – Want special something to spruce up your life with some verve, but wanting to spend your bucks on something practical? Try Susan’s superb hats.

Glory Wolfe – This is the 1st show Glory has ever done with us…why? Because this is the first show we’ve ever done…period. Because her art lives up to her name…glorious.

Leonardo Salinas – Music and art comes together with these jaw dropping handcarved custom guitars/basses. You’re gonna wanna learn guitar just to play one of these gems.

Jodie Aranas – Twirling objects around is always a fun release for anyone looking to zone out for a bit, but with Jodie, this ain’t your grandma’s yo-yo tricks. Prepare to get blown away.

The Dark Dancers – Take a walk into a dark and mysterious side of the sensual world and let the Dark Dancers be your guide. Leave a trail of bread crumbs so you can find your way home.

Motion Tribe – This ain’t your grandmother’s hula hoop, its performance as a gateway to a healing, healthy approach to life through the movement arts. Let them take you for a spin.

Trixie Sparx – This evocative, enchanting, alluring, exotic, sublime, incandescent, radiant, luminescent, sensual, fireball is the complete package: looks, skills and charisma.

Wildfire Weaver – Not only is it fair to say that Wildfire is a “blazing” talent, but she’s also a pretty darn cool person (don’t tell her I told you, but she also helped book the talent for the show).

  Kalinka – Chicago has a fine “hoops” tradition, but up until now, those hoops have been personified by Michael Jordan. When Kalinka unleashes her moves, her hula hoops’ll change that.

Claire Wedemeyer – Tired of “juggling” work, family, play time, casual sex partners and the rest of life’s complexities? Sure you are. Claire’s awesome “juggling” should make it all feel better.

Jodie Aranas – This charming twirler should have you trancing out the whole time she performs her stellar grooves. Lithe and dexterous, she might just inspire you if you aren’t careful.

The Unstoppable PoeticUnsub GPA – Looking for someone to bring a sense of sanity into a world gone horribly freakish? GPA has got the goods to make you feel that humanity’s still here.

TheUnstoppable PoeticUnsub GPA – The only drawback to this artist is the length of his name barely leaves me enough space to describe what a profound poet he is. See I’ve already run out.

GPA Poetic Unsub Livingston – He seeks an ethereal world driven by heightened awareness and sensitivity, this writer/poet is puts the “evoc” in evocative. Not sure what an evoc is though

GPA Poeticunsub Livingston – You ready for thoughts of a true conveyor of wisdom and vision? I thought not, instead we got you GPA…just kidding. He really is that first thing I said.

GPA Poetic Unsub Livingston – The insightful and eloquent elocution of GPA will have you at hello and complete you all at the same time. Don’t say I didn’t warn you when your hooked.

GPA Poeticunsub Livingston – Uncompromising, strident, powerful and moving only begin to describe the power of this incendiary voice. If you’re living a lie, he wont let you deny the truth.

David Leonardis – It’s actually his birthday tonight, and this long time gallery owner/local cable host ‘s gonna need a birthday spanking. He’s been very naughty so make sure every swat counts.

Elizabeth Harper – Feel the warm congenital, I mean congenial pleasantries of Elizabeth to boldly go where no poet’s gone before. Ask her about her showcase too. She’s a hot commodity.

Wildfire Weaver – Spinderella, legendary mix-ologist of hip hoppers Salt N’ Pepa, ain’t got nothin on Wildfire. She’s gonna spin you silly with her poi and thrill you into a drooling stupor.

Sid Yiddish – Is Sid Yiddish some larval stage prophet gestating in our midst, quietly gelling within the crucible of our hapless cultural downturn to one day emerge as our great liberator?

Sid Yiddish – Not only is Sid a visionary of profound and diversely oriented creative idioms, but he’s also the inventor of Sham Wow, the miracle rag that cleans as it shines…(not really)

Sid Yiddish – Its been no bed of roses…no pleasure cruise. Its a challenge before the whole human race he’ll never lose! He is the champion my friends and he’ll keep on fighting to the end.

Sid Yiddish – Look, up in the sky…it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a cybernetic clone of a Frankie Avalon and Klaatu. No its Sid Yiddish. Oh no, his book called “To Serve Man” is a cookbook!

Sid Yiddish – Feel the warm congenital, I mean congenial pleasantries and allow Sid to boldly go where no other mystic has gone before…deep inside the exterior of your hallowed halls.

Sloop Biederman – In what he calls a ritual passed on by his Andalusian tribesmen, our sartorial host Sloop has hosed down all the chairs in the theater with his scent secreted from his rump.   Sloop Biederman – What more can be said about the legendary emcee for tonight’s show that hasn’t already been scribbled on nearly every bathroom wall from here to bejeezus and back. Sloop Biederman – In what he calls a ritual passed on by his Andalusian tribesmen, our sartorial host Sloop has hosed down all the chairs in the theater with his scent secreted from his rump. Sloop Biederman – Back in the wild, halcyon days we knew as the 80’s, Sloop got his start as the first Fabio. The most photographed man of the decade was known as “the hottie with the body.” Sloop Biederman – Sexy, sassy, hot and steamy…the co-host of the Flabby show is both yin and yang, sturm und drang with a little sweet and sour enough to satisfy all (especially in the boudoir)   Sloop Biederman – Faster than a speeding pile of thinly sliced prosciutto ham, more powerful than a nickel bag of Mexican dirt weed, able to leap tall lattes in a single bound…its Slooperman. Sloop Biederman Hosting the prime time portion of our show is the most prolific rock show host in history. With something around 300 shows under his belt, he is the iron man of rock emcees. Give the man a mic, a prize sack and a hot pocket and you got yourself a party  

to his pioneering crotch stuffing technique. 9 out of 10

Flabby Hoffman

http://www.flabbyhoffman.com

The Flabby Hoffman Trio is more than just eye candy and sweater meat with chiseled features and verve. They’re a bunch of rag tag deviants who should be locked away in a home for habitual perverts. For example going all the way for them is not just a “home run” (as is the case in mainstream vernacular), for them going all the way is called “getting to 5th base” which is a sexual practice too fowl to mention in public. Be afraid…be very afraid!

 

What has four wheels and flies, and when it sits around the house it sits around the house and is black and white and red all over while taking my wife…please? The FH Trio, the band Roid Rage Magazine says “stinks like a week old dead purple Teletubby wearing a skid marked pair of underwear on a hot day drenched in Dave Chappele’s bong water.”

 

Critics gleefully agree that the music of the Flabby Hoffman Trio will leave you with a dramatic and intense sense of longing and desire…longing to leave the room and a desire to vomit. Word is the government is researching ways to use their music as a weapon to nauseate Iraqi insurgents into giving up. In fact they are violating a restraining order, which the city council imposed on the band for disturbing the peace, by playing this evening.

 

Your host and curator of the evening, looking at Flabby you might think he’s a jolly old fat pig of man on a trippy, misguided but otherwise harmless middle age crisis vicariously living on the edge of greatness by making opportunities for bands that he can no longer make for himself. Fact is that he is the most dangerous man to corporate America alive and if his real dream were ever to be realized, our culture would be free from the fascists at last.

 

Rolling Stone magazine calls Flabby Hoffman “a pile of human filth of such unimaginable putrescence and grossness that bulimics and anorexics use pictures of him to induce vomiting.” Boy’s Life Magazine calls him “an infantile load of garbage immersed in a pile of elephant droppings and blood farts.” Neither of the reviews capture the true horror of Flabby Hoffman, the only person to have eaten a bitch by accident while performing a rim job.

 

Not only is the Flabby Hoffman Trio the best power trio since the dawn of recorded history, they are also the most prolific lovers, most profound philosophers, most nimble athletes, most proficient fluid mechanics engineers, most experienced patriot beer brewers, most dynamic bi-partisan blue ribbon committee members, best looking, well hung, prolific, incandescent, visionaries ever to form a band. Let them teach you how much you suck.

 

There’s nothing as fun as listening to the tremendous musical foreplay embodied by the Flabby Hoffman Trio, unless of course you include such things as soiled underwear, impotence, battered shrimp flavored edible crotchless panties, cow dung sculptures of Frida Cahlo’s unibrow, Jerrod The Subway guy’s ball sweat, aggressive malignant tumors, unjustifiable wars started by the U.S., NASCAR, Ryan Seacrest and things named after Reagan.

 

What do you get when you cross a life-sized replica of Oprah made out of a turd with a life-sized replica of a turd made out of Oprah? The Flabby Trio of course. Born from the primordial ooze from which all bodily fluids eject, they live and breathe and love in an effort to make it safe once again to do black tar heroin with your junkie babysitter in private without having some crypto-fascist set you up for a kangaroo court or the JFK Jr. treatment.

This greasy blob of inhuman wretchedness has a bad habit of indulging in bad habits. He is such a hard core bitch that he actually eats starving Ethiopians for breakfast, he has a cocktail after dinner made up of a mixture of Crystal Meth, codine, hash oil and black tar heroin and then goes out to hunt down an endangered species for no good reason other than being bored. He is the worst example of human trash that exists and you would do well to avoid him.

 

It was exactly five years ago to the day when at the Chase Café in Chicago at the invitation of Shelley Miller that Flabby Hoffman first reared himself (no easy feat) in public. Little did anyone know at the time that this roustabout, defender of the indefensible, anti-corporate crusader and notorious fat ass was only beginning a movement dedicated towards the dismantling of corporate media and giving the voice of the people back to the people. Fah!

 

There’s no amount of illegal narcotics or whore mongering that will give you the same type of industrial strength buzz that watching the Flabby Trio in action will. You’ll feel tingly on the inside all over like you haven’t felt since you were a little girl. Its sort of like the fresh blast of air that you feel on your brain when someone slams an ice pick through your forehead. They will kick your ass inside out so that you have to sit on your crotch.

 

Those that have pacemakers, those that are pregnant, and those with a heart condition are strongly advised to seek a doctors advice before listening to the music of our opening act. Their music has recently been added to the torture regiment at Abu Gharib and other U.S. internment camps where they subject prisoners to their tunes, even though the playing of their music has been ruled as cruel and unusual punishment by the International Criminal Court.

 

Brace yourself for the most irritating and revolting experience of your life as the Flabby Hoffman Trio makes its way out of your nightmares and into your wheelhouse with a series of annoying atonal jibberish and non-stop wardrobe malfunctions. Recently having had the restraining order lifted (for causing a disturbance to the peace both for noise and for hideous appearances), the Flabby trio is free to do the voodoo they do so poorly.

Legendary blob of the Chicago rock scene holds the record for widest ass in North America. Has his own marginal TV series with cult following of fringe elements and lobotomy survivors. Has a radio show with following of malcontents and spunk guzzlers. Has own musical power trio appealing primarily to domesticated animals. But it’s not all glamour, the Flabby Hoffman movement is also the leading trader of internal organs on the black market.

 

Not since the days of Dash Riprock on The Flintstones and Jet Screamer on The Jetsons has a television based singer caused as much uproar as Flabby Hoffman. Legend has it that Flabby is a direct descendant of Porkcules, the legendary Greek God of fatty foods. He and his trio of nincompoops will metaphorically spread their legs for you and get you to drink a butt load of their bountiful, sassy and refreshing musical goodness with abundant gusto.

Our opening act has frequently been referred to as the musical equivalent of crab lice. Those who have heard it refer to it as more like the transmission of a disease than a listening experience. Modern Metrosexual Magazine refers to the Flabby Trio as “a combination of flop sweat, spastic colon, dropsy, wet dog smell and morning drip.” Additionally their music also inexplicably leaves ring around the collar for all who hear them.

 

Fresh from their historic and momentous tour of various third world countries, industrial hog farms and secret CIA prisons throughout central Europe, the Flabby Hoffman Trio back in their home turf of Chi-Town is loaded for bear. Called the musical equivalent of a clown car in

 

Fresh from their historic and momentous tour of various third world countries, industrial hog farms and secret CIA prisons throughout central Europe, the Flabby Hoffman Trio back in their home turf of Chi-Town is loaded for bear. Called the musical equivalent of a clown car in mole sauce, and hearing them in action has been likened to the full sensual experience of dropping your soap in the prison shower.

 

The Flabby Hoffman trio proves the old saying “garbage in…garbage out” with their often imitating never duplicated sound. Now in the Guiness Book of Records as the band with the least amount of sex appeal of all time. Led by the titular figurehead of Chicago’s underground scene Flabby Hoffman, and backed up by interchangeable bassist unit and replaceable non-descript drumming unit, this trio is the musical equivalent of road kill.

 

The artist formerly known as Chester The Molester, Flabby is the leading purveyor of dissertations on the relative merits of having meritorious relatives. And then there’s Maude. That uncompromising, enterprisin’ anything but tranquilizing, right on Maude! Sable, popcorn, white wine, That Girl. Chestnuts, springtime, rainbows is That Girl. If you find one girl to love, only one girl to love, then she’ll be That Girl too! Let’s do it, let’s fall in love.

 

He has been called “one sick bitch” by both Buns And Ammo Magazine and Cheap Date Quarterly. He also does macramé, is a perennial figure on the Iron Man Marathon circuit, and CBS has just announced that they plan to hold their next season’s edition of Survivor on top of Flabby’s enormous stomach and genitals. Touch the chubby!

Fresh from their historic and momentous tour of various third world countries, industrial hog farms and secret CIA prisons throughout central Europe, the Flabby Hoffman Trio is loaded for bear. Called the musical equivalent of a clown car by Scientific American magazine, this band still feels it has a lot to prove both musically and in terms of coming up with a unified theory of quantum physics which govern the universe.

 

Flabby Hoffman is more than a band, it’s a way of life. In fact it has a strict indoctrination process used to screen true believers which seek to enter the tribe. These rights of passage include: the pledge must watch 12 hours straight of movies featuring Ashton Kutcher; if they survive that with their sanity they must then drink a gallon of Flabby’s lipo suction squeezings and finally to enter the Flabby inner circle they must eat their own mouth.

 

The Flabby Hoffman Trio has often been compared to the musical equivalent of a bag of un-refrigerated chicken fat that has been left out in the sun for a month in the middle of July with a swarm of worms than have partially gnawed through the bag but were drowned within the leaking fat leaving a trail of fetid worm carcasses which grew maggots and mold which of course attracted Flabby Hoffman who used the whole mess as pie filling.

 

There is very little to say about this act that hasn’t already been carved into various bathroom stalls in all of the most decrepit brothels all over town. Sure they frequently wake up half in the bag from the previous night, face down in a puddle of their own sick, with a tampon up their ass, but when it’s go time, this band rises to the occasion turning from Goofus into Gallant with a music set that sounds like an elephant with the dry heaves.

 

Yes, it’s the CD release party of “Illegally Download This CD,” the inaugural album from Flabby H. Come see what all the fuss is about with the band that Ms. Magazine called “the worst collection of annoying sounds, sights and ideas that have ever been collected in one place” and Sports Illustrated referred to as “the musical equivalent of a dozen puppies in a garbage bag being beaten to within an inch of their lives with a sack of grapefruits.”

 

The word “trio” gets bandied about so much these days it’s truly lost all meaning. But when it comes to the Flabby Hoffman Trio, there is no other word that fits better to describe their line up. For in as much as “duo” is inadequate and “quartet” is perhaps a bit exaggerated, “trio” fits like a glove for this cleaver and passionate band of talented and at times profound musical sluts. And after the show, why not grab them in the biscuits.

 

Only Flabby Hoffman’s arteries are harder than the unique brand of rock music and stupendous jams of this unstoppable musical juggernaut. And they are only band in the universe that is scratch and sniff. Stick around later in the evening because after they finish their set, a doctor will be harvesting Flabby’s body fat which we will be using instead of marshmallows to make delicious microwave S’mores as a fun treat for the whole audience.

 

Sure they are all middle aged yahoos with more wrinkles than a box of California raisins. And it may be true that their combined age is a number larger than the National Debt and their man boobs hang lower than Dolly Parton’s braless knockers. But if the Flabby Hoffman Trio can actually remember what time to show up and how to find the club, get a day pass from the retirement home and manage to stay awake this late they will rock your world.

 

Check out the band that legendary butch musician Neil Sedaka calls “incandescent.” The jams of this unreal trio will rock you so hard that you will get a floppy o-ring. The only band that plays on edible instruments made completely out reconstituted popcorn shrimp and prickly pears. Feel free to walk up and sniff the band after their set. They smell just like fresh doughnuts. Sniff the band dammit!

 

Only Flabby Hoffman’s arteries are harder than the unique brand of rock music and stupendous jams of this unstoppable musical juggernaut. And they are only band in the universe that is scratch and sniff. Stick around later in the evening because after they finish their set, a doctor will be harvesting Flabby’s body fat which we will be using instead of marshmallows to make delicious microwave S’mores as a fun treat for the whole audience.

 

The first band to actually perform in 3-D, The FHT is a psychotic, insane ride through an exotic world full of purple clouds and cellophane chimpanzees. Their music pounds like a relentless series of solid kicks in the nuts from Patrick Ewing without the benefit on an anesthetic. Flabby and his band will take you on a trippy ride, like you were in the midst of an ether binge riding a North Korean rocket on its way to destroy a fudge factory.

 

Plug in your shakras and lube up your aura for the what might very well be the most intense experience you have had in the last 20 minutes. The Flabby experience has been referred to by some as more than twice as exciting than measuring the long term effects of global warming on the water in your toilet bowl.

 

Watch in stunned amazement as Flabby and his group of feisty rapscallions touches you in your private area with jams so thick you’ll want to eat them with a fork…but, use a spoon, you’ll want to get every drop. Also join in the betting pool to and buy a square to pick how many songs it will take before Flabby’s massive girth plunges him through the stage.

What once is and never was, he is the Alpha and the Omega, the rock and roll equivalent of Mrs. Dash spice blend spreading an ever expanding buzz like some creeper weed that knocks you on your butt 15 minutes after you’ve smoked it. He is the chunky master of the funky…it’s Flabby “frickin” Hoffman damn it. With his jam band of compatriots pounding like a couple of Nordic demigods (or at least Demi Moore’s). You will be transformed.

 

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary to jam your freakin brains out, tis nobler in the mind to suffer the power chords of benign indifference and melt, thaw and resolve itself into pure doo doo. Alas poor Flabby Hoffman, I knew him Horatio…he was a man of infinite stomach (and abundant man boobs as well).

 

Alas poor Flabby Hoffman, I knew him Horatio…he was a man of infinite stomach (and abundant man boobs as well). Recently, UNICEF has asked Flabby if he would donate his body to feed Africa. The trio has often been described as a musical holocaust that sounds like amplified bear claws dragged across a blackboard. You can decide for yourself.

 

Be forewarned, the Flabby Hoffman Trio is considered by many as perhaps the most revolting band in the greater Chicagoland area. It is best to have an air sickness bag or two available and close at hand throughout their entire set. Don’t be lulled into a false sense of security however as some songs are less nauseating than others. Many people describe listening to them as like having the Incredible Hulk ram his fist directly up your pee hole.

 

For those that are unacquainted with the sounds of the Flabby Hoffman Trio: imagine the sound of a gargoyle sticking his foot up the ass of a baboon while a dozen shrieking falcons scrape their talons across a mile long blackboard sent through amplifiers that don’t just go up to 11 but actually go up to 12. When they play, nuns from miles around barf uncontrollably and pregnant women go into premature child birth. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

 

After an extended illness and a year long drought that savaged this year’s soybean harvest, the Flabby Hoffman trio is back and Flabby is hungrier than ever. The Flabby Hoffman trio was formed when three ordinary astronauts were bombarded with Gamma Gamma Gamma Rays which turned them into mutant super powered Frat Boys with diverse powers of invisible sex drives, super stretchy debt accumulation and the ability to “flame on.”

What is it that makes watching the Flabby Hoffman Trio such a perverse thrill? What gives them the raw, unadulterated sexual potency? Is it the their unrivaled musical prowess? Is it their broad based and idiosyncratic knowledge of the career of Sean Connery? Or is it their years of pent up emotional repression they got biting pillows on their latest stretch in the pokey? No, it’s none of those. What makes them so intense…it’s the nipples!

In 1980, the final master strokes of the Nixon Revolution were struck with the ascension to power of Ronald Reagan. With that one event, the United States was turned into the Evil Empire and was condemned to be the source of humanity’s ultimate destruction. 25 odd years into this darkness there’s only a few people left in this world with the strength of character to recognize the true depth and detail of our malady, unfortunately Flabby has eaten them all.

 

Flabby Hoffman – A gigantic man mountain whom native Americans refer to as “Planet With Legs,” was the inspiration for the game “Hungry Hungry Lipo” and human shrink hormones

The Flabby Hoffman Trio – The worst band in the history of everything. Run and hide.

Flabby Hoffman – Bloated, complacent and full of mularchy, this blowhard has as much opportunity of success as a Lindsay Lohan at a zombie convention. No brains at all.

Flabby Hoffman Trio – Fresh off their mildly unsuccessful tour of Bolivian and Nicaraguan Rest Homes The FH Trio has now officially nauseated more people than Montezuma’s Revenge.

Flabby Hoffman – Who’s a black private dic who’s a sex machine with all the chicks? It sure ain’t Flabby Hoffman. He’s more like Kavorkian’s suicide machine with the chicks.

Flabby Hoffman – A gigantic man mountain whom native Americans refer to as “Dances With Elephants,” was the inspiration for the game “Hungry Hungry Lipo” and human shrink hormones.

Flabby Hoffman – The world’s largest cybernetic robot built at FermiLabs in 1992, Flabby represents the apex of modern technology. Just kidding, he’s really Eddie Murphy in a fat suit.

Flabby Hoffman – Sure he’s been voted The Least Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine for 9 years in a row. Yes, he has both microphallus and macro-asses. Still he’s got…hmm, I got nuthin.

Flabby Hoffman Trio – You are about to see and hear the reason that air sickness bags were really invented. The phrases “somebody get me a bucket” and “quit nuzzling my undercarriage” are always the most popular slogans when the Flabby trio plays. You have been warned.

Flabby Hoffman – Who’s the black private dic who’s a sex machine with all the chicks…I don’t know but it sure ain’t Flabby. This is his first night off from house arrest in a year so be kind.   Flabby Hoffman – Who’s a black private dic who’s a sex machine with all the chicks? It sure ain’t Flabby Hoffman. He’s more like Kavorkian’s suicide machine with the chicks

Flabby Hoffman – A gigantic man mountain whom native Americans refer to as “Planet With Legs,” was the inspiration for the game “Hungry Hungry Lipo” and human shrink hormones.

Flabby Hoffman – In what he calls a ritual passed on by his Andalusian tribesmen, our sartorial host Sloop has hosed down all the chairs in the theater with his scent secreted from his rump.

 

Flabby Hoffman – A gigantic man mountain whom native Americans refer to as “Dances With Elephants,” was the inspiration for the game “Hungry Hungry Lipo” and human shrink hormones.

Flabby Hoffman – A gigantic man mountain whom native Americans refer to as “Planet With Legs,” was the inspiration for the game “Hungry Hungry Lipo” and human shrink hormones.

Flabby Hoffman Trio – Just having returned from a tour of playing in men’s bathrooms all throughout eastern Europe, this band is pioneering a new fetid sound called “puke-a-delic.”

Flabby’s Prize Sack Game – We take volunteers from amidst our audience or performers and pit their wits against the toughest game show for prizes and…wait, what was I talking about?

No News – The least respected news show in the tri-county area is without a doubt biased, ribald and opinionated. Same as other news programs, we just don’t pretend to be objective.

Weight Night With Flabby Hoffman – Our mini-talk show which will feature guests from throughout the rest of the show. Perfect time for you to get some fresh air or a handy in the alley.

  Flabby’s Prize Sack Game – Enter a world where the weirdest of the weird are rewarded and the perverts feel prude. Flabby’s sack overfloweth with prizes…can you handle the payload?  

No News – Why is being informed and intelligent such a naughty thing to do in our society? There’s no faster route to becoming alienated. With No News, you don’t have to worry about that.

  Weight Night With Flabby Hoffman – Ever wonder what a talk show would be like if it was based on trying to create good talk rather than selling and promoting product? Neither have we.  

Frosty The Snow Globe – While this product does not exist, and has nothing to do with this show, you’ve got to admit, you’d sell dozens of these during the holiday season to pie eyed jerks.

Happy Action Talk Show – It’s a talk show…it’s a dessert topping. It’s a talk show…it’s a dessert topping! Why its both! New Happy Action Talk Show now available in chunky style.

Happy Action Talk Show – It’s a talk show…it’s a dessert topping. It’s a talk show…it’s a dessert topping! Why its both! New Happy Action Talk Show now available in chunky style

MISSING LINKS

Del Segno

http://www.myspace.com/chriszonada

The Buck Stops

http://www.myspace.com/thebuckstopshear

Kelly Zullo

http://kellyzullomusic.com

Stoneguard

http://www.myspace.com/stoneguard1

Somersault Factory

http://somersaultfactory.com

Half Moon Mad

http://www.sonicbids.com/epk/epk.aspx?epk_id=295431

Benton Harbor Lunchbox

http://www.myspace.com/bentonharborlunchbox

Help Desk

http://www.myspace.com/thehelpdesk

Blue Eyed Jesus

http://www.myspace.com/blueeyedjesusband

Bambi Raptor

http://www.myspace.com/bambiraptors

The Hidden Dangers

http://www.myspace.com/thehiddendangers

Soul Pollution

http://www.myspace.com/soulpollution

Eleven Dollar Life

http://www.myspace.com/elevendollarlife

City At Sea

http://www.myspace.com/cityatseamusic

Moxie Motive

http://www.myspace.com/notsureyetwhatlinkis

The Quilts

http://www.myspace.com/thequilts

Genral Patton And His Privates

http://www.myspace.com/genralpatton

Arlum

http://www.arlummusic.com

Ronnie And The Puzzle

http://www.facebook.com/?sk=messages#!/pages/Ronnie-And-The-Puzzle/116412181741388

Soul Pollution

http://www.myspace.com/soulpollution

The Ivorys

www.myspace.com/theivorys

Wooden Wing

http://www.myspace.com/woodenwing

Phil Circle

http://www.myspace.com/philcircle

Dawn Xiana Moon

http://dawnxianamoon.com

Electric Medicine

http://www.myspace.com/theelectricmedicine

Chuck’s Wagon

http://www.myspace.com/chuckswagonmusic

Jenny Bienemann

http://jennybienemann.com

Robin Bienemann

http://www.robinb.org

Faces For Radio

http://www.myspace.com/facesforradio1

Overman

http://www.myspace.com/overmaniscoming

Lord Stanley

http://www.reverbnation.com/lordstanley

Cheer Up Moon Cat

http://www.reverbnation.com/cheerupmooncat

Jeff Daschbach

http://www.myspace.com/jeffdaschbach

Nikki Lynette

http://www.nikkilynette.com

Esh

http://www.reverbnation.com/eshthesinger

20 Mark Helga

http://www.reverbnation.com/20markhelga

The Flabby Hoffman Trio

http://www.myspace.com/flabbyhoffman

Caryn Ruby

http://carynruby.com

Del Segno

http://www.myspace.com/chriszonada

Legs Akimbo

http://www.bandmix.com/johnwoog

Visionaire

http://www.myspace.com/visionaireband

Pet Robot

http://www.myspace.com/petrobotmusic

After The Fight

http://www.myspace.com/afterthefight

The Studs

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Studs/131056443584124

City At Sea

http://www.myspace.com/cityatseamusic

Moxie Motive

http://www.myspace.com/notsureyetwhatlinkis

The Quilts

http://www.myspace.com/thequilts

Fist Funk Fury

http://www.facebook.com/fistfunkfury

Party At The Moontower

www.facebook.com/partyatthemoontower

Justice Prevails

http://www.justiceprevailsband.com

Electric Medicine

http://www.myspace.com/theelectricmedicine

Maish Thomas

www.facebook.com/maishthomas

Shannon Richardson Band

http://www.shannonrichardsonband.com

Norman Toronto

http://www.myspace.com/normantorontoandhisband

The Root Cause

http://www.myspace.com/rootcausetheband

The Lauren Wolf Band

http://www.laurenwolfmusic.com

Ronnie and the Puzzle

http://www.ronnieandthepuzzle.com

Visionaire

http://www.visionaireband.com

Lian Paranoia

www.reverbnation.com/lianparanoia

The Vanarays

http://vanarays.com/

Sloop Biederman

http://www.dailylimerick.net